Falling for the Ghost of You

by Christie, Nicole

  "I was going to tell you when I took you to my place."

  I yank my hand away from his grasp and angrily wipe my eyes. "Then what, huh? 'Thanks for the memories, it was good while it lasted'?"

  "No." He leans back in his seat and sighs. "I was going to tell you everything and beg for your forgiveness. You were supposed to say it's okay, you understand, and you love me, anyway—because you know the real me. Then I was going to ask you to stay with me, because I am so in love with you."

  My heart gives one big thump before it falls to the floor and shatters into a million pieces. Shaking my head, I whisper, "Don't say that to me. Not now."

  "Why not? You wanted the truth, right?"

  "So, what now? This—it won't work. We can't work. What am I suppose to do? Follow you around to your concerts and watch while girls flash their breasts at you? God, you thought I was jealous before..."

  "None of that matters!" Zane runs his hands through his hair, frustrated. "You're the only thing that matters. Violet, please....give us a chance. I can't lose you."

  "You lied to me!" I sob. "I don't know what's real."

  "This is real."

  He pulls me close and kisses me, hard and deep.

  I kiss him back, helpless to resist. I climb onto his lap, sinking into him, shutting everything out—all the lies, the millions of reasons why we can't be together—for a few precious seconds.

  "Tell me you love me," Zane says roughly, between our desperate kisses.

  "I love you," I whisper. "But I can't be with you."

  I pull myself away from him, and it's the hardest thing I've had to do.

  "I don't want to see you again...Aiden."

  I reach blindly for the handle. Zane grabs my hand.

  "Violet—"

  "No!"

  I twist away from him, and open the door. Refusing to look at him, I slip out of his truck and walk towards the restaurant.

  Don't look back.

  Before I go in, I swipe my hands over my face to wipe away the tear tracks. I don't care how much of a mess I am, but I don't want them to see me cry. Not again.

  Taco Bill's is super crowded, of course. I spot Matt and Rachel, sitting on the same side of a booth. Matt sees me and waves. He seems shocked at my appearance. I just nod at him and look for Kim.

  She's sitting at a big table with a bunch of her giggly friends. I catch her eye and wave her over. She comes immediately.

  "You okay, Violet? It looks like you’ve been crying."

  I shake my head and force a smile to my face. "Kim, can you do me a favor? Can you take me to Lauren's?"

  "Um, sure. Just let me tell the gang, okay?"

  Before we leave, I hesitate by the door, peering out at the parking lot. I am relieved to see that Zane's truck is gone.

  I'm never going to see him again.

  ******

  Chapter 32

  Kim let's me cry on the car ride to Lauren's in silence, for which I am immeasurably grateful. I ask her to come up with me, and she does.

  Lauren is surprised to see the both of us, but quickly invites us in. She orders the twins to go to their friend's apartment downstairs, and they obey her no-nonsense tone.

  I tell Lauren and Kim everything. Kim's eyes grow wider and wider.

  "You had sex with Aiden Cross?!"

  I nod, hugging my knees to my chest. "Except I didn't know it was him at the time. I thought he was...I don't know. Now I'm, like, mortified. It changes everything, you know?"

  "For sure," Kim agrees, looking star struck.

  "But he's still the same person, V." Lauren twists a lock of hair around her finger. "And he said he loves you."

  "Yeah, but..." I frown, staring off into space. "I don't care what he said. He didn't care enough about me to tell me the truth. And what about all those pictures of him with other women? Kim, do you know if he's dating anyone?"

  "There are rumors about him and Alaina Skye," Kim admits. "But neither side has officially confirmed it. And there's never been any pics of them kissing." She gives a little laugh. "Believe me, I'd know."

  I lapse into a miserable silence. Lauren carefully eases down onto the floor beside me. "So, can you forgive him for lying to you about who he really is?"

  "You really should," Kim enthuses, patting me on the shoulder. "Dude, he's Aiden Cross! I would give my left boob to go out with him."

  I can't help but laugh at that, even though the image it evokes is disturbing.

  "Seriously, though," Kim says, looking me in the eye. "I can see why he did it. I bet he gets sick of all the little fan girls—like me— throwing themselves at him. You're probably the most normal relationship he's had in years. Maybe he wanted to keep it like that for as long as he could."

  "Insightful," Lauren murmurs, impressed.

  Kim grins and shrugs. "I saw a couple of movies like this."

  "Yeah, it is like a plot out of some lame movie," I say. "That's why--I just can't wrap my head around it. It's so surreal, I just don't know what to think. But he lied. Not about something stupid, like what his favorite color is. He lied to me about his identity! How can I forgive him for that?"

  "There are all kinds of reasons why people have secret identities," Lauren says, in a not-so-subtle reminder that I have one, too.

  I let my meaningful look convey to her that it's totally not the same thing. I use a pseudonym for my writing—I don't fake a whole other life. And besides, I told Zane about my writing. So, there.

  "It doesn't even matter whether I can forgive him or not, guys," I say finally, resting my chin on my knees. "It can't ever work out between us, anyway. It's stupid to even hope."

  "No, Violet!" Kim groans. "Don't give up."

  Lauren surprisingly agrees. "There's always a way to make it work," she says. "If you love him, you would find a way."

  "Yeah, well, if he loved me, he would have told me the truth."

  I climb wearily to my feet. "Time to go home and face the music," I mutter.

  "Where did that expression come from, anyway?" Kim wonders. "You would think that would be a good thing, right? Who doesn't like music?"

  Lauren shrugs. "Maybe because it sounds better than 'face the year long grounding,' or 'face the dragon mother.'"

  "'Face the end of your life.'"

  "Thanks for joking about it," I say. "I'll let you know if I make it out alive. Maybe."

  Face the dragon mother. Ha. More like gentle lamb mother. I bet she doesn't even raise her voice. Maybe a quiet reprimand, between bone-crushing hugs.

  Ten agonizing minutes later...

  "--never ever leaving this house again! Is that clear?!"

  I cringe back into the chair. "Crystal."

  Mom takes a deep breath. Clearly, screaming at the top of her lungs drains her.

  "—never have dreamed you would be capable of being so irresponsible! What were you thinking?!"

  I grimace at her disappointed tone. "All I can say is I'm sorry. I don't have a good excuse, and I deserve whatever you decide to do with me."

  Mom just looks at me for a long minute. Then she sighs and kind of collapses onto the couch. "Did you sleep with him, Violet?"

  "Well, Mom, there wasn't much sleeping involved."

  She groans. "Oh, Violet! Really...ugh. Okay, were you at least safe? You used protection?"

  "Um...yes?"

  "That doesn't sound very convincing. Are you sure?"

  I squirm uncomfortably. We definitely did the first three times, but the fourth...it was really early in the morning, and I don't remember...

  "I'm sure," I say to Mom, because I want to spare her the gory details.

  She covers her eyes with her hands. "It wouldn't be realistic of me to think this won't happen again. So I think we should discuss birth control options. And Zane should be here, too. I'd definitely like to have a talk with him."

  "I don't—you don't have to worry about that," I say quickly. "We aren't together anymore. We broke up."

  Mom opens her
mouth to say something, changes her mind, then opens it again. "Oh, honey. He dumped you, huh? I'm so—"

  "Uh, no," I interrupt. "If anything, I...it was—it was mutual. The distance thing, you know. It was too hard. Why would you assume I was the one who got dumped?"

  She flushes. "Oh, no, I didn't mean to—I'm sorry, sweetie. You seemed so upset, so I thought—it’s not that I think he’s out of your league or anything—"

  "No, I—it's okay. Can we talk about my punishment and stuff tomorrow? I'm really tired right now."

  Mom searches my face intently. Finally, she comes over to me and puts one hand on my cheek. "Okay. We'll talk tomorrow."

  Thank god. I don't know how much longer I can hold it together.

  It's stupid. I'm the one that broke it off with Zane, yet I keep checking my phone for messages from him. Now I wish I hadn't deleted all his texts and calls. Pathetic, right?

  It's when I'm lying in bed that it hits me in a sudden crushing pain in my chest. I curl into a ball, crying out in despair.

  Zane. Zane. I'm not going to see him again, touch him, talk to him. I've been so caught up in who he really is that I haven't had time to comprehend this huge...loss in my life. How am I suppose to go on without him to look forward to? How am I suppose to face each day, knowing he won’t be in it? I’ll survive, of course I will. I just…it just hurts so much right now.

  I'm sobbing so hard, I don't hear her come in. The bed dips and then I feel Mom's comforting warmth curled against my back. She doesn't say anything, she just strokes my hair and lets me cry.

  We stay like that for most of the night. It's exactly what I need.

  ******

  Chapter 33

  The next morning, I'm in the kitchen, listlessly eating fudge pop tarts, when Bill wanders in.

  He appears startled to see me, and for a moment, it looks like he's going to turn right back around and leave.

  I watch him internally wrestle with himself for a couple of minutes. It’s funny how he looks from me to the door, whipping his head back and forth, until I feel like getting a laser pointer and shining it in his eyes. Finally, he addresses me.

  "Hi, Violet," he mumbles reluctantly.

  "Good morning, Bill," I mumble back.

  He stands there and rubs the back of his neck. While studying him, I realize how much Zane resembles him. As Aiden Cross, that is. It's funny how I never noticed before. Ha ha.

  "I'm sorry," he blurts out, startling me. "About the thing with Zane. I didn't realize the two of you were...together. I should have told him to stay away from you..."

  "It’s okay, Bill." I smile weakly. "Zane did try to stay away. I didn't let him."

  "Oh," he says, looking—if possible—even more uncomfortable.

  He half-turns as if to leave, then awkwardly twists back around again.

  Zane's a good guy," he says quickly. "Being Aiden Cross is—it's hard on him, sometimes. It's—it's not who he really is. Who he really is—he's Zane. When he—uh, he's never let anyone know the real him, unless he really cares about them. I—maybe he…I think he let you in."

  Bill's sweet bumbling little speech makes me want to hug him, even if I'm not quite sure what he’s trying to say.

  "Thanks, Bill," I say. I offer him a more genuine smile this time.

  He smiles back, quick and relieved. Then he abruptly turns and leaves.

  That was nice. I wonder how he and Mom communicate with each other, with both of them being so awkward and inarticulate. Now that I've met and lived with Bill, I just cannot imagine him sweeping her off her feet like she claimed. I guess being stuck in an elevator for two hours brought out the romantic beast in him.

  Huh. Maybe he's secretly smooth. Zane must've got it from somewhere.

  Zane.

  My appetite completely disappearing, I throw my barely nibbled on pop tarts in the trash, and go back upstairs to cry.

  The next morning, I wake up with a horrible headache. I text Lauren to let her know I won't be going to school, and she texts me back saying she hopes I feel better, and to not worry about her getting a ride—her mom is off for the next couple of days, so she can use the car.

  Relieved, I turn off my phone and toss it...somewhere. Then I bury my head under the blankets and surrender to the pounding pain in my head.

  I feel like the survivor of a bloody war the next day, but I suppose I feel well enough to go to school. Might as well, I guess.

  I am so late. I throw on a raggedy old shirt and a long blue skirt that appeared in my closet one day, origin unknown.

  Where is my phone? I vaguely remember throwing it somewhere last night. Crap, I don't have time to look for it. At least I don't have to pick up Lauren today.

  At first I think it's just my paranoid imagination that people are staring and whispering about me, but by the end of first period, I'm ready to start screaming at all the gawking idiots. Did Kim tell about Zane?

  "What?" I say to Chelsea Lopez, who has the locker next to mine. "Why do people keep staring at me? What's going on?"

  Chelsea looks surprised that I'm talking to her. We've only exchanged smiles and mumbled greetings until then.

  "I guess everyone thinks you have the inside scoop," she says cautiously.

  I am bewildered. "What inside scoop?"

  Chelsea pulls back her light brown hair, and laughs uncomfortably. "On Lauren and Mr. Jensen," she says, like I should know.

  “Lauren and Mr. Jensen? What about them?"

  Now she looks really uncomfortable. "You really don't know?"

  I grip the edges of my folder tightly. Ice forms in the pit of my stomach. "Please, just tell me."

  "Ummm...you know Alissa Shermer? She caught Lauren and Mr. Jensen making out in his car yesterday morning."

  "What?!"

  Lauren...and Mr. Jensen??? Okay...what?! What the hell?! That can’t be right. She doesn’t even like him! Lauren would never…

  Then a horrible thought suddenly occurs to me.

  "I have to go," I say abruptly, turning on my heel.

  I spot Damon heading for his English class. I grab his arm to get his attention. He immediately backs away, looking worried.

  "What's your problem?" he demands nervously.

  I glare at him. "Have you been hooking up with Lauren?"

  Damon's eyes widen. "Hell, no. I have a girlfriend. Besides, I hear your girl, Lauren is into older men—"

  I shake my head impatiently. "Why do you always look so guilty every time I see you?"

  He rubs the back of his head—guiltily. "I, uh, thought you knew I was the one who spread that rumor about the naked pictures of you online."

  "What naked—never mind, I don't want to know."

  I turn to leave, but before I go, I whirl around and smack him in the arm. "Quit spreading rumors about me! Asshole."

  I would have just left, but I'm on thin ice with Mom as it is. So I go straight to the nurse's office and fake a migraine. Ms. Hahn knows me as the straight A student who never gets in trouble, and I'm immediately cleared to go home. I knew my good girl rep would come in handy one day.

  I drive straight to Lauren's, a million thoughts zooming through my head.

  Lauren and Mr. Jensen? How? Why? How could she have not told me her boyfriend is our English teacher?!

  A zombie resembling my best friend opens the door. She looks awful! There are huge bags under her eyes, and it looks as if she hasn't slept in a year.

  "I tried to call you," she says dully, coming out and closing the door behind her.

  "I turned my phone off and threw it somewhere," I say. "So. Is it true?"

  Lauren nods tiredly. "Yeah."

  Having her confirm it makes my heart sink. "Can you...talk somewhere?"

  She glances back at her apartment. "I can't go far. Let's go outside."

  We go to the apartment complex's tiny park and find a bench to sit down on.

  "So he's the father?" I have to make sure. I’ve had enough misunderstandings to last me
a lifetime.

  Lauren looks down at her her hands folded over her stomach. She gives a tiny sigh. "Yeah."

  "Okay. How? When?"

  She shrugs. "It just sort of happened. When I started tutoring after school, he was always there. We started talking about our favorite books and authors, and…whatever. Then one night, he gave me a ride home. He kissed me. It was nice."

  "Nice?" I echo faintly.

  "He's different from all the other guys at school—he doesn't make stupid jokes all the time, or act like an idiot. We talked about everything."

  "I told him about the baby. I was really freaked out, and he was trying to reassure me...we didn't think there would be anyone around so early."

  I take a deep breath, a thousand questions on the tip of my tongue. "Okay, so he's going to step up and help you through this, right? Or am I gonna have to—"

  "V, he's married," she blurts out.

  A white hot bolt of fury shoots through me. I jump to my feet, shaking with rage. "What?! That bastard! What's his address?"

  But Lauren is shaking her head. She looks so pale and fragile, I sit back down and try to calm down for her sake.

  "He's probably going to be arrested. They're doing a formal investigation right now. I-I'm dropping out of school."

  My jaw drops. "You can't! What about Stanford?"

  "I don't know yet. The school called Mom. She had to come down to get me."

  "Oh, god. What did she say?"

  "She cried," Lauren murmurs. "Then she yelled a lot. When she finally calmed down, we had a long talk. She kind of blamed herself for always working, and never being around. Then…she said I helped her raise her babies, she can help me raise mine.” She exhales loudly. “We're going to talk to the school counselor to see what my options are. My grades have always been good, and I have all that extra credit, so…we’re optimistic."

  "Does that mean you're keeping the baby?" I ask hopefully.

  "I don't know," she hedges. "Mom's going to talk to one of my cousins to see if she might want to move in with us. To help out."

  I poke her in the arm. "You'll have to get a bigger place."