Right Now

by Marie Hall

  Making a disgusted noise in the back of my throat, I clicked on my bedside lamp. I’d found the chrome jellyfish-shaped piece of art at a funky flea market two years ago. I’d snapped it up, just like I’d snapped up Xian. I was one of those people who just knew the moment I spotted what I wanted that it was mine.

  Nice to know that even if my mother didn’t approve of my lifestyle, she did still love me. Very forward thinking of her to want to see my nonexistent girlfriend; might be fun to take Jamie, just to see my grandma’s eyes pop out. Of course, Obasaan wasn’t really all that shocked by anything I did. In fact, I think she secretly admired me.

  Huffing my bangs out of my eyes, I hopped off the bed, padded over to the trunk in the corner of my room, and pulled out my high school yearbook. I hadn’t cracked the book since graduation.

  But I knew the page he was on by heart.

  Turning to page forty-two I stared at the boy. Alex was thinner, a little younger-looking, and wearing braces, which I’d found ridiculously adorable back then.

  Smiling, I traced the laughter around his eyes. That was the first thing that’d always struck me about him—e was always laughing, always making jokes.

  But beneath the surface lingered something heavy and dark. Every once in a while I’d see it when he was at his locker, thinking no one was looking. That’s when he’d drop the mask and that’s when I realized just how much we actually had in common. First time I’d seen the darkness was also the moment I’d fallen in love.

  Or as in love as a sixteen-year-old was capable of.

  After graduation, the feelings had disappeared. I’d moved on and I’m sure he had too. I thought I’d been totally over him until he walked in tonight.

  My heart pounded so hard just remembering the feel of him pressed up against me. I always knew what I wanted when I saw it. I’d teased him mercilessly, and I knew desire when I saw it. He’d be back.

  I tapped my finger on his face. “I want you, Alexander Donovan.”

  Chapter 2

  Alex

  “I fucked up last night.” I said it without preamble. There was no need to toe the line with Doctor Alvarez—after a year of therapy she’d grown used to my colorful speech.

  I’m no idiot. I knew after all the years of telling Ryan he had to do it that it was only fitting I found myself a shrink. Especially after the lovebirds decided to make my home theirs and I suddenly felt like an unwanted tagalong.

  Doc looked at me with her huge, expressive eyes. Eyes so dark they looked inky black, even beneath the heavy bifocals she wore. I’m not exactly sure what had drawn me to her. I’d gone through three shrinks, two of them males, before I decided the straight-laced, prim and proper, grandmotherly and hunched over doctor of sixty-plus years was the one for me. Something about her loosened my tongue and made me feel free to be me.

  “Fucked up how?” she said in a voice heavily flavored by a Spanish accent.

  I chuckled. Couldn’t help it. Hearing her swear was funny. But maybe Doc had a bit of a wild side to her, because I never could understand her office suite. You’d think someone who only seemed to wear shades of black and blue with the occasional white thrown into the mix just for fun would have an equally monochromatic office. But no, the walls were painted a brilliant canary yellow, real potted plants bursting with purple and red flowers were grouped in the corners, looking like Wild Kingdom over there, and somewhere she even had a mini-waterfall. I had to admit, I kind of liked the sound of running water. Except it always made me feel like I had to take a leak by the end of our one-hour sessions.

  Her no-nonsense eyes were piercing. “Alex, are you evading my question?” She tapped her notepad with her pencil eraser.

  “Nope. Just trying to figure out a PC way of putting this.” I licked my lips and then shook my head. “Yeah, no, there’s not really a nice way of saying that I took two girls into a bathroom in a roach-infested dive to suck me off, is there?”

  Her lips thinned as she scribbled something furiously. I often wondered what Doc thought of me. I knew it wasn’t her place to judge, but seriously, I could not imagine how the woman would feel if someday one of her college-aged granddaughters brought me home.

  I stifled a chuckle by clearing my throat. “So what do you think, Doc?”

  She shrugged. “What should I think? How did that make you feel?”

  “Jeez, cut the psychobabble bullshit. Just tell me that I fucked up, because you and I both know I did.”

  “We both know you use sex as a crutch. That’s been well established. When you’re feeling low, you find a partner. So I guess the question is what caused you to seek her out in the first place?”

  “Not her. Them. And yeah, how about the fact that I’ve got an awful job, I see myself sinking into anonymity, and while I meant to only take a semester hiatus from college, I’m going on a year now. Ryan and Lili are getting ready to get married in four months and I’m the best man, and I feel like such a loser that I don’t even know who I am anymore.” I was breathing heavily by the time I finished, each sentence adding a glowing coal to the already-hot furnace churning in my gut.

  She scribbled again and this time it pissed me off.

  “What the hell is wrong with me?” I tossed up my hands. “Why can’t I just stop being…?”

  “What?” She looked up, face screwing up into a question mark.

  “Me! Why can’t I just stop being me for a damn second? I’m sick of this. I see what’s happening, but I can’t stop it. I can’t.”

  She held up her hand to stall me. “Yes, you can. But only you can.”

  I scoffed. “You know what’s been hammering in my head all day? Before I took the twins into the bathroom, I opened up a fortune cookie. It told me to be opposite. Fuck, Doc.” It was like the wind was let out of my sails. Anger deflating, I leaned my elbows on my knees. “I don’t want to be me anymore. I don’t want to think about this shit all the time. Remember everything. I just want to stop. For a second.”

  I remembered honey eyes. I’d breathed around her. For a while the voices had been quiet. The ones that always told me I was a screwup, pathetic, a loser… For a second, being around her, I had forgotten.

  “You’re smiling. Why?” she asked, cocking her head like a curious baby chick.

  I twisted my lips, feeling hesitant to share the encounter with Z. I usually told Doc everything. But that moment belonged to me. I wiped my palms on my jeans.

  “Nothing really.”

  Her eyes narrowed to shrewd slits, but she didn’t question me further on it. Glancing at the wall clock—another eccentric item, this clock was in the shape of steaming cup of coffee, cool in a retro sort of way—she set her notepad aside. “This is your assignment for the week.”

  I hated her assignments; they were always stupid and hard and made me feel like an ass. Like the time she’d told me to only look women in the eye for an entire week. To not let my gaze wander for anything.

  It’d been torture, especially at the gym when the girls in their hot-pink work-out gear would saunter by, swinging their ass and looking at me with clear invitation. Beads of sweat had coated my body before I’d even hit the weights. By Wednesday it’d gotten so bad that I’d turned and run out of the building, heart pounding violently with adrenaline. I’m sure they thought I was gay, and of course by Friday I’d fallen off the wagon, spending the entire day and the next whoring it up.

  “I say follow that fortune cookie’s advice. Be opposite. If you want to say no to something, say yes instead. The first step to living again, Alex, is to just do it, even when it scares you.”

  Crap. I could already see this turning into a Yes Man, Jim Carrey-esque situation. I was locking myself at home this week.

  Period.

  “And what should I do about the whole Ryan and Lili thing?” I asked, ignoring her assignment for the moment.

  Her lips thinned. “I think you know.”

  I shook my head. She kept acting like it was so easy. Going up and
telling people you loved that you were leaving. I scrubbed my jaw. “C’mon, I pay you the bucks to make my life easier.”

  She chuckled. “I’m not a magician, Alex. I can’t make your life easier—I can only help you to help yourself. You have to be honest with them, let them know why and then follow through. If you don’t, this will just keep festering. You don’t want that and they don’t deserve it. Right?”

  “Right.” I sighed. I hated when she was right.

  ~*~

  “I’m moving out.” No big fanfare, no lengthy pauses. I walked into the kitchen later that day and laid it out there. My gut rolled and my mouth went suddenly dry. The words hung in the air loud and heavy.

  Ryan and Lili looked at me with huge owl eyes. It took me a second to realize they weren’t staring at me, but at my lip ring.

  I touched it self-consciously, then shrugged. Whatever—that lip ring had given me the best orgasm I’d had in two weeks. I’d woken up panting about Z this morning, wondering just how far that lotus-blossom trail went and how in the hell she’d known my name.

  Lili was sitting on Ryan’s lap, and they were sharing a plate of scrambled eggs and chicken sausage.

  “Why?” Ryan asked as Lili rubbed his arm.

  “Why?” I chuckled, eyeing Lili’s disheveled morning appearance. Her hair was in wild disarray, her eyes were swollen, and her lips bee-stung. It was obvious what they’d done this morning, especially because she was swallowed up by Ryan’s gray work-out shirt. She always wore his clothes after the deed. “Umm, because of this, dude.”

  I pointed at both of them.

  Lili’s look was thoughtful. “Because of us? We make you uncomfortable?”

  “No.” I walked to the fridge and grabbed the bowl of tossed fruit salad she’d whipped up for breakfast. I was going to miss Lili’s food. “Well, a little.” I sighed and then shut the door. “I’m single, man. And you’re…” I eyed her ring. “…definitely not. And I’m okay with that, really. But I’m the third wheel here. I’m afraid to bring girls over now because of Javi, which is cool. I mean I don’t mind, but, yeah…” Strangely, the words were a lot easier to say than I’d thought they would be.

  Smiling her sexy smile, Lili stood and walked over to me, then gave me a hug. The first time I’d laid eyes on her she’d stolen a little piece of my heart. Her tiny but curvaceous body leaned all the way into me. The way the shirt fell on her, you’d almost think she wasn’t wearing anything underneath, but Lili was a lady and she’d never walk around skanky in front of me. There were shorts on her mile-long legs, I was sure.

  If Ryan hadn’t stolen her from under my nose, who knows, maybe I’d have been the one sitting with her on my lap, eating breakfast together every morning.

  Of course, Ryan had been able to deal with the kid. I hadn’t. And that’d been the real reason I’d backed off. Though after being around Javier, I kind of liked him. He was quiet and most times I barely even knew he was in the room.

  Ryan was up and next to Lili, wrapping his arm around her waist. Sighing happily, she leaned into him. Not that my cousin needed to mark his turf around me—I knew the rules where she was concerned.

  Lili was off-limits. Permanently. It had bothered me a little in the beginning, I’m not gonna lie. But Ryan had needed saving—his demons had been dark and deadly, and I was grateful every day that Lili had loved him enough to do it. It pretty much made her a saint in my book.

  “I’m sorry, Alex,” Ryan muttered. “I mean, we could always look for another place.”

  “Dude, this is a fucking three-bedroom house. Too much for just me.” I waved him off and went to the kitchen table, grabbing a fork from the drawer before I sat, “It’s better this way. I just need my own space.”

  “You sure?” Lili asked as she and Ryan resumed their same post as before.

  “Yeah. I am.”

  I speared a strawberry and popped it into my mouth, the red color making me think of the red flower in Z’s hair. Damn, that woman had gotten under my skin.

  I hated that I still didn’t know her name. All I had was a letter. You can’t look up a name in the phone book with just a letter. I could always call The Garage and ask for Z, but that was a line I wasn’t ready to cross.

  “Know where you want to go?” Ryan asked.

  Be opposite. Those fucking words were driving me nuts. Doing drive-bys through my head all morning. I don’t believe in destiny or predestination (which I guess is really the same thing), but something about those two stupid words had gotten under my skin.

  I was sick of me.

  Sick of what I was becoming.

  Namely, my father. I could see it happening, I was turning into a chump with no skills and no goals. It was a miracle I hadn’t gotten some chick fat with my baby. No, I didn’t want to walk this path, didn’t want to look back twenty years from now and realize I’d wasted my life.

  I didn’t know what I wanted to be, but I didn’t want to be me anymore, and I definitely didn’t want to turn into John.

  “I don’t know—figured I’d look in the paper, start from there.”

  “Whatcha doin’ today?” Lili’s smile was hopeful. “Ryan and Javi and I are headed to the zoo to see the lion’s exhibit. Want to tag along?”

  Tag along?

  The sound of it made my stomach knot up. Not their fault… being the third wheel sucked. Finishing my salad, I pushed the empty bowl away and shook my head. “Can’t, have to work. Asked Chai to increase my hours since I’ll be paying rent on my own now.”

  She looked sad, and I felt like a jerk, but really it was time.

  Getting up, I placed my bowl in the sink, leaned over and kissed Lili’s cheek, punched Ryan’s shoulder, and called over my shoulder to Javi, “Later, little dude.”

  Throwing them the peace sign, I grabbed my keys, wallet, and hat and headed to my truck. I had thirty minutes before shift started, but I needed to get out. Needed to think.

  Sliding into my cherry-red F-150—the last present from my parents, my high school graduation gift—I gripped the wheel and stared at the three-bedroom ranch-style home I’d shared with Alex for the past five years.

  I wouldn’t say I was having a crisis, but maybe I was. I didn’t understand what was going on with me, why I felt so useless all the time. I wasn’t lazy, never have been. But I couldn’t seem to make myself care about much of anything.

  Partying wasn’t helping, sex wasn’t doing it… In fact, the most alive I’d felt in weeks was when Z had made me squirm and squeal like a boy.

  The phone in my pocket buzzed and I yanked it out, scowling at the screen as my mom’s face popped up.

  I hated talking to my parents.

  Mom less so than Dad.

  Sighing, I answered. “What?”

  “Jeez, Alex, is that any way to talk to your mother?”

  Clenching my jaw, knuckles gripping the wheel so tight they turned a dead shade of white, I forced a fake smile. “Hi, Mom. What can I do for you?”

  The sarcasm was obvious.

  She huffed, and I could just picture her twirling a length of her gray hair, once a vibrant, glossy blond, around her finger. I knew what she was going to ask, this was the only time of year she ever pulled the mom card on me.

  “It’s your father’s birthday in—”

  “Not going.” I turned the ignition, then backed up quicker than I should have, causing the back end to fishtail over gravel as I turned off my driveway and onto the road.

  “Alexander Midas Donovan, you didn’t even let me finish.”

  I rolled my eyes. God, I hated my middle name. My mom must have been high when she’d decided Midas was a good name for me. “I don’t need to—you ask every year and every year I say no. When are you going to stop? I’m twenty-three years old, and I’m pretty sure that constitutes legal adult status in this state, which means I’m not going. Also, that stupid party is months away, so why are you calling me about it now?”

  She ignored my last statement.
“Why do you always say no? He needs to talk to you.”

  My eyes bug, and I stare at the phone. If it was a man I’d punch it. I couldn’t believe she was asking me this. Seriously? Didn’t she remember, didn’t she understand that what he’d done was wrong, disgusting, vile… so hateful I didn’t think I could ever, ever forgive him?

  “Mom.” When I stopped at a light, I lifted my hat and threaded my fingers through my hair, wanting to yank it out instead. “You know why.” My voice went low and I heard her expel a sharp breath.

  “I…” She gave a lengthy pause. “Please? I think we need to talk.”

  Was she nuts? Or just stupid? Talk about what? That it was his birthday, that his life was just peachy and perfect, that he’d never had to suffer a day in his life?

  We weren’t talking about a man who cheated on his taxes or maybe had an affair with his slutty secretary—Janelle the tramp—we were talking about a guy who’d raped his nephew and should be rotting in prison, not getting ready to celebrate his fiftieth birthday with a pool party and grilled hot dogs.

  I ground my molars so hard it sounded like they were seconds from splitting.

  “Alex?” Her soft voice filtered over the line again.

  Easing back into traffic, I spotted the parking lot for Chai Time and hooked a hard right into it, trying to breathe through the disgust spreading its heat through my chest.

  I’d told my mom everything, though not the night I’d found my dad doing his sick shit to Ryan. I’d waited, mainly because I was terrified that if I ever spoke up, he’d do it to me too. I was a stupid kid, more concerned with myself than with Ryan. And I hated myself for it. Hated how much of a coward I’d become after that night.

  Never allowing myself to be alone with John, screaming bloody murder if my mom tried to leave the house without me.