Her Healing Place

by Sybil Smith

  It has so many memories, so many more than she can count. Tristan taking his first wobbly step to her outstretched arms in the living room. The time he said his first word as she held him in the refinished rocking chair that always helped him sleep. She can still see his sandy blonde hair stuck to his forehead and his pale skin as he ran around in a sprinkler she had bought for him on a whim. His tiny feet covered in red boots as they walked outside after it rained to stomp in puddles and look at the little worms inching across the driveway. His small legs peddling his tricycle up and down the driveway as she sat on the porch swing and watched. The way he laughed every time he went down the yellow slide in the backyard. The way he would clap his small hands every time they decided to have impromptu picnics outside under the clear blue Nebraska sky.

  It's too much. Her chest is physically aching and her throat is closing in and she's trying her damnedest not to cry. She pulls on Vera's hand as signal for them to start walking again. Vera looks between her and the house and pauses. "We can go in, y'know. No one is living there and I'm a cop. We wouldn't get in any trouble if you want to go look around."

  Evelyn wipes the lone tear that escaped and shakes her head. "No. I've…it's been almost eleven months since I've been in there. I don't need to go inside to remember it. I…I just wanted to say a goodbye of sorts.” She gives a weak nod to reassure herself. "I'm okay. We can go."

  Vera takes one tentative step and briefly looks back at the house again before looking back at Evelyn. "Only if you're sure. You know I won't mind."

  "I'm sure." The conviction in her voice surprises herself. She gives one last look at the house before she slowly starts to walk away, Vera beside her like she promised she would be. Evelyn tries to take a deep breath as she remembers the few times Tristan was well enough to dress up for Halloween and walked on this same sidewalk from house to house as he held her finger.

  She steps a little closer to Vera and then looks up at her. "This is hard for me, but I'm so thankful to be able to do this. You're…this…thank you. That doesn't feel like enough, but for once, I can't think of anything else to say to convey how much this means to me. So, thank you."

  Vera briefly looks down and squeezes her hand. "You don't need to thank me anymore. I love you. This is what I'm here for."

  It's still so hard for Evelyn to believe that. The last time someone said they loved her, they said it to manipulate her into getting what they wanted. They let her believe it before the plunged in the knife, twisting and turning it until she was so vulnerable and so unsure of herself and love that she vowed never to believe in it like that again. She loved Tristan and he loved her, but it was familial—one could never leave the other or live without the other because they were each other's family and all each other had. But an outsider, someone who willingly decided to love her? She didn't trust that, couldn't believe it.

  And then here's Vera, laying everything out on the line simply for love and nothing else. Not asking or wanting anything in return but Evelyn's love and companionship. She believes it—everything Vera is saying—because she feels the same way for Vera. It's just hard for her to let go of her previous misconceptions about it. She hopes she gets there one day; she hopes she can let go and truly believe this is out of the goodness of Vera's heart because deep down, she knows it is. There's just a niggling thought in the back of her mind saying this is too good to be true, too perfect, and it will never last.

  But hopefully Vera will be able to make that feeling completely disappear and fill it with complete, unadulterated trust. With any luck, one day sooner rather than later.

  She walks Vera down streets with the parks and libraries that she often took Tristan to, not stopping more than a brief moment because she already has every detail committed to memory. She doesn't need to see them to remember them, she only stops to let Vera in on a part of her life that no longer exists.

  They walk down two more side roads and past a small, quaint church before Evelyn finally falters and has to take a minute to calm herself. She doesn't believe in God, she's too scientific—only believes in facts. But she wasn't going to force Tristan into something she believed. So when he asked to go to church, she took him. She took him to eight different churches in eight weeks before he finally decided this one was the one he liked the most. She suspected part of it was because of the stained glass windows and children's groups, but it didn't matter. As long as he liked it and was happy, it didn't matter.

  Their shoes crunch on the gravel as they make their way up to the cemetery. The trees are leafless and the grass is crunchy and brown from the coldness of December—almost a perfect reflection of how she feels. Dread and sadness and loss start to engulf her as they walk closer and closer to the right plot. She's holding on to Vera's hand and arm so tight her knuckles are white and her breath is coming in quick, short gasps.

  When they finally arrive, she leans against Vera's side in an attempt to keep her standing upright. The headstone is solid black granite and would reflect the light of the sun if the clouds weren't out. It was the most expensive one offered but it didn't matter, she was already in so much debt that a little more wouldn't hurt. Especially not when it came to her son. She felt like the grandeur of the stone almost made up for the lack of decorum on it.

  It was just his name and the few short years of his life etched on the front. She was too broken, too shocked to think of anything else to put on it. But now there are thousands of things running through her mind that she could've added. His courage. His lust for life. The wisdom he had that was well beyond his years.

  She so wishes she even could've thought to put something small on there about how much she loved him, how much he changed her and there's no way she'll ever forget him.

  She slowly slides down to her knees on the grass and a deep sob is wretched from her body. Her throat is burning, it feels like her chest is collapsing in on itself. She's vaguely aware of Vera crouching down beside her, but she can't stop the tears. She's glad Vera doesn't try to reach out to comfort her; she just wants to cry. She wants to cry and let everything out as she looks at her son's grave. It's long moments before she can settle herself enough to look at Vera, gasping for breath. "This is…the last time I'll ever see this. I'll…I'll never see him again."

  Vera manages to hold back her own tears and pretend that her heart isn't so heavy with emotion that she's teeming to burst as well. She reaches over and soothing rubs her hand up and down Evelyn's arm. "No it's not. We can come back whenever you want."

  Evelyn's chin trembles and she shakes her head. "No. I can't. It hurts too much." She leans forward and her fingertips lightly press against the grass. "To know he's…he's under there but he's not really there? It hurts too much."

  Vera scoots over and pulls Evelyn in to lean against her, her hand running up and down a back still shaking from sobs. "Okay. We won't come back. That's okay."

  Evelyn looks at the gravestone as she pulls clings to Vera as tight as she can. "Does that make me a bad mother? To not want to come back her?"

  Vera slowly starts brushing Evelyn's hair away from her tear-slickened face. "No. Absolutely not. He'll always be there with you. You don't need to see his grave to know that. It doesn't make you a bad mother." She takes a deep breath to try and will away the tightness of her throat. "Tristan…he loved you. He wouldn't want you to do something that hurt you so much would he?"

  She remembers the way Tristan cried for her the day she barely nicked her finger while she was cutting his grapes; the way he clung to her all day after she burnt the inside of her wrist on a curling iron. She shakes her head against Vera once again. "No," she whispers.

  "See? So even though you don't see this every day, it doesn't mean you've forgotten him. He might not be there," she points to the ground, "but he's always going to be in your heart. And that's where it matters. That's where it counts."

  Evelyn can't form the words to respond. She buries her face against Vera and they sit there while she cries until s
he's coughing and struggling to breathe. Vera reaches up and runs her hand up and down Evelyn's back in an effort to soothe her. "It's okay. We can stay for as long as you want and leave whenever you're ready. I'm not going anywhere. Just let it out, I'm here. Just let it out."

  It's long minutes before Evelyn finally calms down enough to pull back from Vera. Her nose and cheeks are flaming pink from the cold, but she doesn't want to leave yet even though she knows she should. She places both hands on the ground on top of where she knows his chest would be and drops her head. She doesn't believe in God or life after death, but a part of her hopes he can hear her say how much she loves him.

  She finally pulls back and lets Vera help her stand on shaky legs. She looks down on the one last time before wiping her face and looking up at Vera. Biting her lip, she takes a trembling breath before slightly nodding her head. "I'm ready to go."

  "Are you—"

  "Yes." She takes Vera's hand and starts walking back towards the road. This is the last time she'll ever be here and it is the last time she'd ever see his grave, but she doesn't feel bad about it anymore. Sad, but not regretful. She loves him and it physically hurts to be without him, but he'll always be with her. Vera was right; she doesn't need to see this to know he's with her.

  And even though she cried on Vera's shoulder until her whole body ached, she realizes it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did all those months ago. Not because she loves him less, but because she realizes he's a part of her now; her life, her history and the person she's became. Nothing will ever be able to change that. And just knowing that makes everything hurt just a little less.

  Vera also taught her that some people become fighters and thrive, while others are marked forever, never recover and the link to death becomes their identity. She doesn't want that and she knows Tristan wouldn't want that for her either. She's not moving on from him because she never could. She's just learning to live in a different way that incorporates him into her life without hurting quite so much anymore. Deep down, she knows he'd be proud of her for that. And that's all that really matters to her now.

  Chapter 19

  Evelyn rests her head against Vera's shoulder, reaching out to steal a sip of Vera's coke. They are nearly halfway home now and she is…apprehensive. She had told Noah she was leaving and would be back in a couple of days, but even though he seemed to understand…he may not have. She really doesn't want him to be upset with her; not when they were truly starting to bond.

  Vera takes the cup from her hands and laughs as she looks down in it. "Thank you so much for finishing it off for me, I'm not sure if I'd have been able to all by myself."

  It barely takes a moment for Evelyn to pick up on the sarcasm and grin. "You're very welcome."

  Playfully rolling her eyes, Vera takes Evelyn's hand in her own and turns it palm up. Her finger traces every line and crevice in Evelyn's soft palm and watches how her fingers slightly twitch as it starts to feel ticklish. Without looking up, she knits her brow. "You said you left Nebraska eleven months ago…where were you between then and Philadelphia?"

  She knows for a fact that she had only met Evelyn a little over seven months ago even though it feels like she's known her for her entire life. It's unfathomable to think of a life where Evelyn isn't in it anymore.

  Evelyn sighs and Vera's eyes immediately flick up to meet her face. "I went straight to Philadelphia, but I didn't start looking for a permanent job for the first few months. I wasn't emotionally ready for something so time consuming."

  Vera nods in understanding. If she had went through something so devastating, she's not even sure that she would've been able to bounce back half as quickly as Evelyn did. It makes her feel even more love and admiration and pride for the woman sitting next to her. To go through so much and yet, still be able to make it through as well as she had?

  It was mindboggling.

  She glances over and notices Evelyn's eyes slowly blink close and fight to open. She has to be exhausted after all the emotions and memories their day had dredged up; the minutes upon minutes she used letting all of them out as she clung to Vera as if she was the only thing keeping her grounded.

  Vera knows she should let Evelyn rest, but something has been bothering her since they had landed yesterday. And maybe, just maybe Evelyn will give her a straight answer since she's so tired.

  Is that a horrible tactic to use?

  Absolutely. She knows she'll feel guilty for it later.

  But it's also the most likely way to figure out what the hell Evelyn was running from.

  She laces their fingers together and gives a gentle squeeze. Evelyn's eyes flutter open and she gives an apologetic grin. "What made you go to Nebraska?"

  Evelyn blinks her eyes quickly to stay awake. She frowns as she remembers everything that drove her away. "Circumstance," she replies, knowing it's vague but hoping it's enough for Vera.

  It isn't.

  "Oh," Vera says, not quite sure of what to make of that. "Why not Philadelphia if you had lived there before?"

  "That's the point," she barely whispers, too lost in thought. "It was too obvious."

  That piques Vera's interest. She sees Evelyn's distraction for what it is: a way to figure out exactly what happened. She takes a shallow breath, making sure to keep her voice just as low. "What were you running from?"

  Evelyn's mouth opens to respond, but she snaps it shut. Vera almost had her; she'll give her that. She's not just a detective because she's lucky; her interrogation skills are some of the best Evelyn had ever seen. She could make someone slip into a trap, guide them exactly to where she wanted the conversation to go without them even knowing.

  Evelyn's glad that Vera cares about her enough to want to know more about her past, but she's almost pissed that Vera had done that to her. Almost.

  But after all Vera had done for her, after how much they cared for each other…she couldn't stay mad if she tried. Her eyes close as the memories continue to rush in, hitting her like a ton of bricks settling down on her chest. It's too much. Incredibly too much to discuss on a plane full of strangers. Vera would just have to wait until she's ready to spill such heady news.

  She licks her lips, eyes glancing back up to Vera's concerned ones. "Like I said…people. And that's all I want to say about that right now." She frowns. "I'm sorry," she adds on in a whisper.

  "No, hey," Vera reassures as she clasps Evelyn's hand a little tighter. "There is nothing for you to be sorry about. We can talk about it when you're ready or we can never bring it up again, alright? It's up to you."

  "Thank you." And she means it wholeheartedly. Vera had pried, but she had backed off—just like she knew Evelyn needed her to. Not many other people would've let her drop something like that so easily.

  Vera assures her, tells her that she loves her and doesn't need to be thanked because that's how their relationship works. Over the next hour they talk about anything and everything: Evelyn's time in boarding school—that Vera had been surprised to hear about—her love of equestrian, some horror stories of Evelyn's residency at the hospital. She wasn't lying about her horrible bedside manner; some of the tales had Vera laughing for minutes straight.

  Still grinning, Vera lifts an eyebrow. "Tell me about…I don't know. Your parents?"

  Unknowingly, Vera had hit another wound. One that doesn't run as deep, but deep enough all the same. Evelyn shakes her head, eyes dropping to the floor. "We don't speak."

  Vera gives a little nod. She's sure Clara wouldn't let Vera out of her sight if she had lost a child. Everyone reacts differently though, and she knows that. "Too hard on them?"

  Uncharacteristically, Evelyn gives a small mirthless laugh. "Quite the opposite actually. They were relived."

  Vera's mouth drops open incredulously. Surely she misunderstood. "What?"

  The shock is evident in her voice, but Evelyn chooses not to answer. What could she possibly say? That her parents were coldhearted enough to celebrate the death of her child? That would most li
kely only get Vera riled up enough to confront them and she doesn't want that. Her parents aren't worth that kind of attention.

  Vera lifts the armrest, pulling Evelyn into her side. Her hands rub up and down her back; a gesture of comfort and soothing, her own way of showing Evelyn that she cares. "I'm sorry."

  And she is. Tristan, Evelyn's parents…how many things can one person possibly undergo before they break?

  Evelyn takes a shaky breath, hand clinging to Vera's shirt. "You shouldn't be. It isn't your burden to bear."

  "But you shouldn't have to bear it either," she says, voice raspy and thick as she tries to conjure even a little of what Evelyn has had to deal with all these years. She lightly drops a kiss to the crown of light hair before resting her cheek upon it. "No one deserves that, Evelyn. Especially not you."

  "It's impossible to measure what someone does or does not deser—"

  "No," she cuts her off. "I'm telling you right now that you deserve more than to be treated like that." She sighs, letting go when the seatbelt light starts to flash. Evelyn pulls back and Vera lightly cups her cheek as she looks into her eyes. How Evelyn can even trust her after living so long with people who didn't care about her, who lied to get what they wanted from her…she'll never know. But she'll be damned if Evelyn has those same insecurities when it comes to her.

  "I promise I'll never treat you like that, Evelyn," her voice a whisper barely heard above the shuffling of everyone scrambling to put away their things. "I love you and I promise to only give you the best that I can give."

  And Evelyn knows that. She can see it in Vera's eyes that she means every single word that she's saying. She mutters a thank you, full of love and fully aware that Vera told her not to do that anymore. But there are not words great enough to express what she feels, how she feels about this woman next to her and all she's managed to do in a short amount of time.