Two Lovers

by Edie Bryant

  That was just how life was. It was exciting for a while, and then eventually things settled down and get boring once again.

  I knew that was my problem. I wanted the best of the world. I wanted constant thrill and excitement. I wanted passion.

  But it just wasn’t realistic, and I needed to learn to cope with the fact that life just wasn’t going to be that way for me. I had to be content with marriage, settling down, and a family. That was the only future in my cards now.

  And, eventually, I would get used to it… eventually.

  2

  Sara

  I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. The sun was nearly blinding me as it made its morning peak and the glare overcame my window.

  It was hurting, I was very photosensitive, but I still didn’t want to get out of the car. At least, not yet. It’d have to happen eventually, but, for now… for now I’d sit in the car. Just for a few more minutes while I mentally prepared myself.

  See, this was the exact reason why it took me so long to change jobs, even though I was grossly underpaid and very overworked. Because my social anxiety absolutely destroyed me at any given opportunity.

  When I first started my last job, it hadn’t been so bad. I’d been younger, my anxiety hadn’t yet been at its worst, and I started in a very small, private office. Not only had I functioned well under social pressure, but I had made a few friends that I’d became very close to along the way. Many of whom were extremely sad to see me go…

  And I was sad to see them go, too. But I’d needed to leave. I needed a change. Not only because I was getting offered double the money, either.

  The thing was, I probably would have stayed at my last job despite the money, if that had been the only contributing factor. But it wasn’t. My personal life had also had a lot of bumps in the road that I’d been trying my best to figure out.

  Namely, the destruction of my latest relationship with my long-term girlfriend. A slow, painful, frustrating destruction that had resulted in her moving out of our apartment and leaving me with all the rent.

  The rent I couldn’t afford because I was just not paid enough. Or I wasn’t, at my old job. So I decided to move.

  I mean, why not? Since I couldn’t afford the place I was at anyway, I thought it was worth it to move. Worth it to go to a place where I could start all over. New job, new dating pool, new me. That was what this move was to me.

  It was very unlike me, too. I wasn’t an adventurous person, not by a long shot. Picking up and leaving was not really my style.

  But to be fair, I didn’t do the most adventurous thing or anything. I mean, it wasn’t as if I’d picked up and moved to a whole new town and started over.

  No, I couldn’t do that, I just wasn’t that comfortable with the unfamiliar. Instead, I’d decided to move back to my old college town.

  It was a town I’d always liked. It wasn’t big enough to be called a city but also not exactly rural. It had nice little neighborhoods, upscale shopping centers, the college, a movie theater, and other entertainment facilities. It was expensive, but with my new salary, it was no problem. And it really was nice.

  Honestly, back when I had been in college, I had always planned to stay there. But, after a bad break up with one of my exes, who had shared my major, I’d decided I couldn’t stand to share any more classes with her and had transferred to another university.

  Oh, shit, I guess I really had made it a habit to pick up and leave every time one of my relationships failed. Ah, well, I guess that just meant I shouldn’t find myself a girlfriend in this town.

  Or any other town, for that matter. I had made it my mission to be completely celibate for this next phase of my life. Throughout my entire twenties, I had jumped from relationship to relationship to avoid being alone. I’d never been very comfortable with being single.

  But, in the process, I’d failed to really discover myself like you were supposed to in your twenties. I’d stagnated at a shitty job that had not improving my career and hadn’t made any friends outside of work because I had always been spending time with my girlfriends, instead.

  Well, no more. I was not going to lose myself in another person again. I was going to work on me and only me for a long time.

  And working on me started with me going into my new job, no matter how nerve-wracking it was. Though it really, really was, and I was struggling.

  It was just going to be so different from the small office I’d worked at before. This was like a real corporation, with departments and floor levels. The kind of company that truly did require a very secure network, where if I failed to do my job, company secrets and employee information could be at risk. It was a lot of pressure.

  But, it was also pressure I knew I was getting into. That was why the job paid so much better. And it was a chance for me to push myself.

  Okay, I had no more time to waste. If I waited another minute, I would be walking in late. I took a deep breath, got out of my car, and headed toward the entrance.

  Once I got there, it actually wasn’t as bad as I’d thought. They were expecting me, so I didn’t even have to introduce myself. As soon as someone saw a new face, they directed me toward the floor I would be working on and directed me to go find a woman named Lauren in one of the back cubicles.

  Ugh, Lauren, I hated that name. And also loved that name. It had actually been the name of my college ex.

  Okay, I didn’t hate the name. My ex and I had ended on bad terms, but I’d never really held it against her. Well, it really had been kind of her fault, but she had been young. So had I. It had been my first relationship, and a lot of mistakes were made on both ends.

  And, ultimately, I looked back on that first relationship rather fondly. I really did love that girl. I’d felt more for her than I’d felt for anyone else since her, although a few other exes had come close. She had just been such a sweetheart. And we’d had that young love thing going on big time.

  I thought about her from time to time. Admittedly, I’d tried to stalk her on social media with no luck. Which was not a big deal. I didn’t know why I’d even looked. What would I do if I actually found her? Reintroduce myself? Hope for a magical, mystical whirlwind romance, where we reignited the flame we’d used to have years ago?

  Okay, if you couldn’t tell, I may have fantasized about the latter option on a few occasions. What could I say? She was my first love. The only woman who’d ever swept me off my feet. A girl could daydream, couldn’t she?

  I was walking to the back cubicle where my trainer was located, and the second I turned the corner, my jaw dropped.

  Sitting in front of me wasn’t just anyone named Lauren. It was my Lauren. My ex-fucking-girlfriend.

  As if I hadn’t been anxious enough about this day?!

  Seriously, how could this happen? What in the actual fuck were the chances?!

  I was mortified. I could feel a blush coming to my cheeks. I was completely embarrassed that I had just been fantasizing her a moment ago, as if she could know that. It wasn’t as if the girl could read my damn mind. Still, I couldn’t shake my anxiety.

  She hadn’t even looked up from her desk yet. I was just quietly standing in the doorway, dreading the moment she looked up at me and realized who I was.

  What was I going to say? What kind of conversations were we going to have? How the hell was I going to sit next to her and let her train me for the next several weeks?!

  Yeah, this was going to be hard.

  She finally noticed I was there, her head turning upward from her desk. But, to my surprise, she didn’t look mortified like me.

  “Hey, you must be the new person, right? Hi, I’m Lauren, I’ll be training you.” She stood up from her desk and extended her hand.

  Holy fucking shit, she didn’t recognize me, did she? Oh my god, how on Earth could she not recognize me?!

  On one hand, I was a little offended. I’d remembered her after all these years, but she couldn’t even recognize me?!

  I
mean, to be fair, it’d been a long time since the beginning of college. Back then, I’d been a scrawny little thing who couldn’t dress to save her life.

  I looked a lot different now. My style had totally changed. I put effort into my look and I even worked out on a regular basis. I had a good, casual-but-put-together kind of thing going on.

  So, I tried not to be too annoyed and told myself I truly did look very different than I’d used to, and thus it was understandable why she wouldn’t recognize me.

  And, actually, this could really work out in my favor, couldn’t it!?

  I was absolutely mortified to think that she was going to know who I was and then we’d have to discuss it. But, if she didn’t know who I was, that was going to make this whole job training thing way easier! I could just keep it under wraps for a while and avoid all the awkwardness.

  But, no, that wasn’t going to work either, was it? I mean, at the end of the day, she was going to eventually find out who I was, right? And wasn’t it going to be especially awkward once she did? She’d know that I recognized her, for sure, she’d barely aged a day and was just as cute as she’d been in college.

  Except she was leaving, right? I mean, that’s why she was training me for her own position. She was moving onward and upward, and I bet, in two weeks, she wouldn’t even be in this position anymore! And if I could get through two weeks without her knowing who I was, I’d totally be home free!

  I just had to make sure I kept up the act for that long.

  I shook her hand. “Hello, so nice to meet you,” I said, being careful not to tell her my name and praying she wouldn’t ask for it.

  To my relief, she didn’t.

  “So, welcome to the new job! I take it you’ve worked in the tech field before?”

  “Oh, yes, but my last company was considerably smaller than this one, so this is quite the change for me.”

  “Oh, I’m sure you’ll adjust fast. This job is actually pretty laid back, too. Things run pretty smoothly here. Let’s see, where to start…” She was shifting papers around on her desk as if to look for something. “Oh, here it is! Right, I’m supposed to go over the employee handbook with you today. Sorry, the day is probably going to be a little boring.”

  Little did she know, it wasn’t going to be boring at all. Because I was looking into the face of the woman I’d loved years ago and had fantasized about ever since then. It was the exact opposite of boring, it was probably the most entertaining thing that could have happened to me today.

  And also the most nerve-wracking, but, you know, with her not knowing who I was, it was a little easier.

  I’d freely admit that the employee handbook part was a little boring, but I was hardly listening. I probably should have been, but, whatever, I had excellent workplace conduct. I was sure there was nothing I’d do to break the rules.

  I did my best to look like I was listening, but, really, I was finding myself enveloped in Lauren. At first, it was weird enough seeing that she looked almost the same, and I kept staring at her every feature. Her eyes, her perfectly sloped nose, the adorable red pucker of her lips. The image of her had been burned into my head for the last several years, and, now, I was seeing it in person again when I’d thought I never would.

  Eventually, I got used to looking at her, though only after a few hours, of course. But then, another interesting thing happened… I started noticing all her old mannerisms. The way she’d put her hand on her cheek when she was thinking…. or the way her smile did that half-crooked thing when she was being genuine.

  It was just so odd. I felt like I had stepped back in time. And with that, I felt like my feelings had gone back in time, too.

  It was like everything I had once felt for her was flooding back to me. Which wasn't surprising, considering I had fantasized about being with her again even when I hadn’t been sitting right in front of her. But it was bad, because now that I was seeing her in the flesh, now that I knew that we once again lived in the same town together, I really considered what it would be like to be together.

  “Okay, I think that just about covers everything,” Lauren said with a smile when we finished the handbook. “And just in time, too, because it looks like it’s about to be lunch.”

  “Oh, great!” I responded, though I wasn’t really eager to leave. Normally, I was all for my hour lunch break, but right now, I’d rather be at work, looking into Lauren’s eyes.

  “Are you from around here?” Lauren asked me. “Because if not, I could show you to a few good lunch places.”

  Oh, even better, I could avoid having to stop looking at her if we went to lunch!

  I was just about to say ‘that would be fantastic’ when a female voice behind us interrupted.

  “Hey, Lauren, your fiancé is on the main line. He said he’s having trouble getting through to you.”

  “Uh, oh, okay. Well, just tell him I’m about to go to lunch, and I’ll text him.”

  The young lady, who I recognized from being at the reception desk, nodded and walked away.

  My heart sank. The word was ringing in my ear: fiancé. God, Sara, you idiot, she has a fiancé!

  I don’t know why the thought that she might not be single hadn’t occurred to me. It made sense, she was such a beautiful woman. And she worked a good tech job, she had her life together, why would she still be single?

  Because, in my fantasy, she’d been thinking about me all these years the same way I’d been thinking about her. But that was literally insane. I was being psycho right now.

  “So, anyway, lunch?” Lauren asked me, getting back on track.

  I fiddled with the inside of my pants pocket anxiously, pulling the inner fabric of my pocket taut.

  Thank God I hadn’t already had the chance to agree to lunch, because I didn’t really want to go anymore. I didn’t really even want to be trained by Lauren anymore. Just like when we’d been young and in college, I realized that this time with her was only going to lead me to heartbreak. She was never going to be mine again like I wanted. The more time I spent with her, the more time I had to think about that.

  “Actually, I am kind of from around here. I used to live here years ago. So, I’m pretty familiar with everything.”

  “Oh, well, that’s great! For some reason, I had it in my head that you were a transplant.”

  “Yeah, no, I pretty much know my way around.” I smiled.

  “Well, great, see you in an hour, then?” she asked.

  “Yep, see you in an hour.”

  I walked out of the office and pretended to go to the bathroom so we didn’t have to walk all the way out of the building together. I was the kind of person who wore my heart on my sleeve, and I didn't think I’d be able to hide my immediate disappointment if we continued to be around each other.

  Honestly, that was what I was going to have to work on during my entire lunch break, now. Hiding my disappointment so that I’d seem normal to her. The last thing I needed was for her to get any weirdness from me, it might clue her into who I really was.

  But damn, was I disappointed. I couldn’t even will myself to go grab lunch. I had lost my entire appetite and spent my entire lunch break in my car, at the back of the parking lot, thinking about Lauren.

  And I felt damn stupid for it.

  We’d broken up years ago, so many years ago. It was crazy that I was this hurt to learn she was no longer single. We hadn’t had anything in a long time, and what we did have, I was probably glorifying in my head.

  Actually, I knew I was glorifying it. There were plenty of good reasons for our break up. And plenty of good reasons for us to not get back together.

  Our main issue had been Lauren’s constant jealousy. That girl couldn’t let me do a thing by myself without wanting to tag along. And not because she’d wanted to spend time with me, but because she’d been so insecure. It had been as if she’d thought I’d cheat on her the second she wasn’t in my line of sight.

  It had been hurtful. Because I’d loved her
so much, did so much to show her that, but at the end of the day, it was like it’d never been enough. And that had ultimately been what had destroyed us. The more insecure she’d gotten, the more incompetent of a girlfriend I’d felt, and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It’d hurt me on a daily basis. It hadn’t been healthy.

  So, I’d known I had to break up with her. But it’d killed me. I still remember suffering through the rest of that semester, having to see her at every goddamn class. It got so bad that I’d actually decided I’d transfer schools at the end of the semester. I’d thought, you know, out of sight out of mind.

  It had helped a little, not being in the same classes as her, but not a ton. I’d still thought of her all the time. I guess there was no out of sight, out of mind for Lauren and me. She was always in my mind. She’d taken up permanent residence there, and I was still not sure how to get her out.

  But, for all I know, even if we did get back together, it would be more of the same. More jealousy from her, more pain from me, and I couldn't say it wouldn't end in heartbreak again.

  I just needed to get over my fantasy. That’s all this really was. I wasn’t feeling pain because I was really being rejected by her, because I haven’t been. She didn’t know who I was, and, obviously, she’d been with her fiancé long before I’d come back into the picture.

  What was really happening was that I was sad because I’d always kept her as a back-up in my head. As I’d dealt with other break-ups, I thought of her. Thought of what it would be like to have her back in my life. What I'd do if she could be mine once again. And it took the edge off from other pain.

  Now that that bubble had been popped, there no longer was a fantasy. We’d never be together, and that was fine. I just needed to accept that and move on.

  Besides, I wouldn’t have to deal with her much longer. In a few weeks, she’d be gone. And even though we’d be living in the same town, I could forget she existed.

  At least, I could do my best to forget.