Two Lovers

by Edie Bryant

  3

  Lauren

  I actually had a pretty satisfying day at work. While I was usually pretty bored, training a new person kept me pretty well entertained. And she seemed like a good person, too. She was fun enough to talk to and seemed to know what she was doing on a technical level. I thought it was gonna be an easy few weeks training her.

  I think easily the best part of training her, though, was the fact that when I was training her I didn’t have to spend time thinking about my failing relationship. At least, while I was at work, I was distracted.

  And, tonight, I was going to spend the evening distracted at home, as well. I was relieved when Brandon texted me in the morning that he wasn’t going to be able to come over tonight because he was going out with a few friends. Usually, I saw him on Fridays and the weekend, too.

  But I was finally going to get a Friday night to myself. Which meant I could stay up as late as I wanted watching reality TV because I didn’t have to wake up for work the next day.

  Which was basically exactly what I planned to do. And I was going to enjoy every minute of it.

  I even felt relief when I drove up to my house and saw that it was all still dark. When Brandon was there, he turned the lights on, and I’d come home to him cooking or something. But tonight it was just me, the darkness, and some pizza.

  As I walked up, I was even pulling up the app for my local pizza place to put in an order. But, when I unlocked the door, I quickly realized I was going to need to cancel it.

  It wasn’t actually dark at all. I mean, it looked dark from outside. But, inside, there were candles literally everywhere. On my coffee and side tables, on my fireplace mantle, everywhere was just dimly lit candles.

  And my first thought was goddamn it.

  Brandon walked out of the back room, a smile on his face and a box of chocolates in his hand.

  “Surprise!” he said excitedly.

  “Hey…” I said, trying to hide my disappointment but failing. “I thought you were going out with your friends tonight?”

  “No, I’m not. That was just a little white lie so that when you came home today all this would surprise you!” He smiled. “And it seems I successfully did, huh?”

  “You sure did.” I nodded.

  “I’ve got a lasagna in the oven, too, your favorite. And I rented your favorite movie, too.”

  “Oh, you didn’t have to do all that,” I told him. And I truly meant it.

  “I wanted to. Yesterday, after you said work was stressing you out so much, I realized I just haven’t been doing enough for you. Like, I have all these expectations for you and how you act around me, but what am I really doing to make your life easier?! I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to be one of those boyfriends. So, if I want more time with you, I’m willing to put in the work.”

  Again, god damn it.

  “That is…. really sweet, babe,” I told him.

  “Yeah…” He trailed off, starting to notice my hesitance. “Well, do you want to start dinner?” It should be about done.”

  “Yeah… yeah, that’d be great, let’s do that.”

  At least, when we were eating, there was an excuse to be quiet.

  He got some plates, served us both a hearty slice of lasagna, and then we got to eating. But, unfortunately, it wasn’t quiet at all. Brandon kept trying to engage me in conversation that I didn’t want to be having.

  God, I felt like such a piece of shit. He went out of his way to be kind, and I just got irritated about it. It really wasn’t fair to him, he was such a good guy, but I couldn’t help my feelings. I could only try to hide them.

  Which I was, to the best of my ability, but my frustration was definitely seeping through. I’d finally thought I’d had a night to myself, a night to completely avoid all the worries and doubts I had, and instead he showed up.

  And he knew I wasn’t happy.

  “You hate all of this, don’t you?” Brandon asked suddenly, after a few minutes of silence.

  “Hate what?” I asked stupidly.

  “You know what. Don’t play dumb with me. Everything I’ve done. You hate it. Why?”

  “I never said I hate—” He cut me off.

  "You don’t have to. I can see it on your face. I can hear it in your monotone voice. You fucking hate this, and I wish I had even the faintest clue why.”

  “Brandon—”

  “Seriously, Lauren, what is it!? Is it just because it’s, like, overly romantic? I know that some people aren’t that into romance, but is that it? Because I’m doing all these over-the-top gestures that you’d rather do without?”

  “I don’t know—”

  “Or is it me? Because if I’m just annoying you, fine, I can live with that, I guess. But I don't feel like that's the problem. I don't think what I’m doing is actually the problem. I think it’s just… what I am. I almost get the sense that if I was another person doing all this for you, you'd actually enjoy it!”

  “No, that’s definitely not true,” I told him, and that wasn't a lie.

  I knew that because this had been how I’d felt in my past relationships, too. I’d never had someone that I’d been particularly excited to come home to or very passionate about, although maybe I’d never gotten quite this distant with them. But that’s only because I was nervous about getting married.

  But, no, there wasn't a single person - man or woman - who would be able to do this stuff for me and have me enjoy it. The only relationship I’d felt that passionate about had been with my college ex, and even then I was sure it was only because she’d been my first love.

  “Don’t lie to me anymore, Lauren. This is it, this is the best I can do. If you don’t love me even now…”

  “Of course I love you,” I insisted.

  “Do you?”

  “Yes. Absolutely. You’ve been a partner and a best friend to me for years now. We have grown so close…”

  “But have we grown close because that’s what you wanted or just because, you know, we happened to be together? We happened to be spending time with each other, and now you’re comfortable?”

  I paused for a moment. “Well, of course I'm comfortable. That’s what relationships are all about, right? Getting comfortable with another person, getting to know them, becoming close to them and stuff….”

  “No, at least, not entirely. That’s not all my feelings are for you, Lauren. I love you. I love you in a big way. I still feel as passionate for you as I did when we first got together.”

  “You… you do?” I asked hesitantly.

  His jaw dropped. “And you don’t, do you?”

  I didn’t know what to say. I had already made it pretty clear that I didn’t feel that way. I didn’t think I could convincingly lie about it now.

  But the lying couldn’t last forever anyway. At some point, this would all have to come to a head. And it looked like that point was now. I needed to just be honest, finally. In a way, that was as kind as possible, though.

  “The thing is, Brandon, it’s not like it’s just you. I’ve never been able to feel that passionate about any person I’ve ever dated. I think I just… don’t feel that way about people,” I said.

  He thought about this. “I don’t think that’s true, for anyone. Like, I think you always feel something… maybe you get more comfortable as things go on, but there’s got to be some kind of passion there. Some kind of drive. Like, you have to at least be excited about seeing the person and spending time with them. And it doesn’t seem like you’re that excited about seeing me.”

  I sighed. I had already made a promise to myself that this would be a conversation of honesty, and I wasn’t going to back down on that now.

  “Okay, I maybe haven’t been super excited to spend time with you lately… but I think it’s just nerves about the wedding. And it’ll pass.”

  “Nerves about the wedding?!” he asked with a half-gasp. As if this completely shocked him.

  I don’t know why I assumed he’d alre
ady know I was stressed about the wedding… it felt like I was just digging myself a deeper and deeper hole.

  “Well, yeah, I think that’s normal, right?” I asked.

  “Maybe some jitters right before the wedding. But to be nervous when it’s a year away? Why did you even accept my proposal? I mean, Lauren, what the hell?! I never pushed you to make that decision. I never would have wanted you to do it if I had known this was going to be how you’d feel about it.”

  “Brandon, come on, cut me a little slack, here. It is a huge life change, obviously. There is going to be some stress with that. But, obviously I want to do it. Like you said, I’m the one who said yes to the proposal.”

  “But do you? Do you actually want to marry me?”

  “Of course I do!”

  “Why, then?”

  “Why…?” I asked, desperately trying to come up with answers in my head.

  “Yes, why? If you want to get married so much, you must have a reason.”

  But I didn’t. Honestly, lately, I wasn’t not even sure why I had accepted his proposal. And that was an answer that was going to absolutely destroy Brandon. As much as I wanted to be honest, I didn’t want to implode this entire relationship. I had to dance around that one a bit.

  “Because that’s what you do when you love someone and you’ve been with them for years. You marry them, you make a commitment.”

  That wasn’t actually even a lie. That was my main motivation for saying yes. Because that’s what you do, that’s what you should do. It’s what settling down was all about.

  But I could tell by the look on his face that it was not the answer he wanted to hear.

  “I want to be loved, Lauren. I want to be loved passionately and completely. I want someone to be confident that I am the one for her. And you’re… you’re just not. I don’t think you’re ever really going to be. I… I don’t know. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.”

  I could see the pain I was causing him, and my guilt was immense.

  “Brandon, please, there was nothing for you to see before. This is just how I am. I can love, and I do love you, but I’m just not that passionate of a person.

  “I just don’t buy it, Lauren. I think the only reason you haven’t felt passionate about any person you’ve dated is because you never found the right person. You’ve never found the one for you, the one who makes your heart soar. So you’re settling for someone like me.”

  “I’m not settling,” I insisted.

  But my mind did drift to Sara. To the passion that I had once felt for her. The intensity of that love had been truly incredible, but… but I’d always attributed that feeling to my being young. I’d never considered that I could feel that again or that I could only feel that for the right person.

  “You are. If you're not completely happy with me, if you’d rather spend time alone than spend time with me, then you’re settling. And I just can’t do it.”

  I thought for a moment. “But how do you know I’m not just different? I mean, you have those feelings for me, don’t you?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?” he questioned.

  “I mean, if you have those passionate feelings, if I’m the one that makes your heart soar, then I’m the one for you, right? I’m, like, your soul mate, right?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t believe in soul mates. I don’t think there’s just one other person out there in the world that could make you happy. Yes, you make my heart soar. Yes, I’m passionately in love with you. But you’re not the only one I could feel that for, Lauren. There are other people out there who I could fall in love with, and they may actually love me back.”

  I knew exactly what he was getting at. And it should have made my heart sink. It should have made me sick to my stomach… but it just didn’t.

  “So what are you trying to say?” I asked him.

  “Maybe… maybe this just isn’t right. Maybe we’re not supposed to be together. Maybe it’d be better if we just called this whole thing off.”

  “Call off the wedding? Call off our relationship?” I asked, trying to clarify.

  “I think… I think if we call off the wedding, we should just call off the relationship, so… yeah, I guess that. I guess the relationship.”

  I nodded solemnly. And was surprised to feel… relief.

  “And you’re just fine with that?” he asked.

  “If that’s what you want to do…”

  Tears were welling up in his eyes. “No, it’s not what I want to do. It’s not even a little bit what I want to do. And I was hoping that…” He stopped talking.

  “Hoping that what?” I asked.

  “I don’t know, hoping to see something from you?! Hoping that hearing that I’m going to leave would actually matter to you?! I thought… I thought it would.” He sighed. “No, no I didn’t. I just hoped it would. What I had thought was… well, what I’d thought was pretty much this. That it really wouldn’t matter to you that much. That I didn’t matter to you that much.”

  “But you do matter,” I told him.

  He did, it was true. No, I was not passionately in love with him. I probably never would be. But it wasn’t that he didn’t matter, because I really did care. And seeing his pain really was my pain.

  “But you don’t want to be with me, do you, Lauren? You’ll be fine if this ends, right? Maybe even a little happy?”

  I stayed quiet.

  “Right.” He nodded, “that’s what I thought.”

  He got up from his chair, walked away from the table, and grabbed his keys.

  “I’ll send someone by for my things, one of my siblings probably. I’ll go ahead and break the news to my family and our friends. Don’t worry, I won’t make you sound like a total bitch.”

  I took in a deep breath. “No, do it,” I told him.

  He raised an eyebrow. “What?”

  “Make me sound like a total bitch. I am one. I feel so goddamn awful for stringing you along like this, but… but I really believed I loved you. I hope you know that. I wasn’t doing this to be cruel, I wasn’t just keeping you around as spare company. I thought this was what love was all about. Had I known it was going to end like this… I would have ended it a lot sooner.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I know. I think I know that. You don’t have a malicious bone in your body. You have never shown me anything but kindness, and… I just think you haven’t met your person yet, Lauren. God, that hurts so much to say, because I’m still so fucking in love with you, but it’s the truth. I don’t think you’ve met the person you’re supposed to be with yet, and, once you do… once you do, it’ll all be different. And you’ll see why this had to happen. When you really feel love, you’ll know why it never worked out between you and me.”

  I put my head in my hands. “I am going to miss you, you know.”

  “I know,” he agreed. “I’ll miss you, too.”

  And that was all he said before he grabbed his keys and walked outside.

  Once he was actually gone, I had a weird mix of emotions. On one hand, the relief was still there to a degree. But on the other, I felt so incredibly alone.

  And I also just felt a little… I don’t know. I guess hopeless.

  I didn’t really like being alone. And I think that’s why I’d always sought relationships, even if they hadn’t been particularly passionate. And now, I truly felt alone.

  And it was hard to know if that was ever going to change. Maybe Brandon was right and I just had to meet the right person, but I didn’t think so. I think I’m the one who was right. I think this was just how I am.

  Which, if that was the case, it fucking blows. I didn’t want to be this lonely. I didn’t want to be this bored in my relationships. I wanted that passion Brandon was talking about.

  I kept thinking of Sara and the way I’d felt with her. Maybe that kind of love was attainable once again. I knew, with Sara, I never would have been glad she wasn’t coming over. I never would have enjoyed watching hours of reality T
V in my house alone more than hanging out with her.

  She’d brought a light to my life, and it had flooded me. When I had been with her, I truly had been just… happy.

  But I was such a fuck up that even that didn’t work. Even when I had desperately loved someone, I couldn’t make it last.

  I think it was actually the fact that I had loved her that had made it so difficult. I’d grown so attached to her in such a short amount of time. And felt so much for her that I’d never felt for anyone else. And, frankly, it had been scary.

  I think I’d pushed her away because of that. Maybe never directly. But I’d become so… I don’t know, crazy? I would pick fights over little things. I would get crazy jealous of anyone she was hanging out with, whether it was a guy or a straight girl. You know, people who definitely had no interest in her romantically.

  But still, I had been so jealous. I had always been filled with the intense fear that she was going to eventually leave me. That I’d have to be alone again, that I’d never find a love like his.

  Which, I guess, had kind of turned out true. I obviously hadn't found anything that passionate again.

  But the irony was, who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t been so worried about losing her. It was like my constant worry was what had ultimately destroyed us and made me such a shitty person. It had been a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.

  Even more ironic was that I’d been a fantastic girlfriend since then. Okay, I guess not fantastic, if you wanted someone who would be passionate. But if you wanted a girl who wouldn’t get jealous, who wouldn’t try to control you, who would be there when you needed it but also give you plenty of space, then I was the one for you.

  But I guess that could have been because I haven’t been passionate. Why be jealous of the people I was with when I myself didn’t care that deeply about whether or not we broke up.

  Even now, I was sad about my broken engagement. But mostly because I hated that I had been with Brandon for so many years and then had had to hurt him this way. And I was sad to be alone. But was I sad to not be with him? You know… I just didn’t know. I felt like not, though.