I See You

by Patricia MacDonald

  A man sending his photo? Suddenly, Hannah wondered if all this imagined secrecy had simply been because Lisa was a little sheepish about having joined a dating service. Her heart lifted with hope.

  Adam unfolded the paper and began to read. Hannah watched his face. His expression, studiously noncommittal at first, began to change. His eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open. Suddenly, he groaned. ‘Oh my God,’ he said, crushing the letter in his fist. ‘Oh, Jesus.’

  ‘Let me see,’ she said, prying the wadded piece of paper from his fingers.

  ‘Oh, Hannah,’ he said shaking his head. There were tears in his eyes. ‘Don’t even look.’

  Hannah ignored his warning and began to read.

  ‘Dear Lisa,’ it read, ‘I received your response to my ad in the THFLG newsletter. I am so excited to meet you and your little princess, Sydney. You are a couple of beauties. I promise you that I will give her a first time that none of us will ever forget. I appreciate that you want this to be a special experience for her, and for yourself. I will be gentle and firm as I show that little angel the delights of a grown man’s love. The three of us can meet at my hunting cabin, time to be determined, for a weekend to remember. I am enclosing a photo of myself, as you requested. I also have the paperwork from the lab which will prove to you that I am disease-free, and will give you a copy when we meet. In answer to your other question, I go about seven to eight inches, fully erect. I know it’s a lot for a little girl to handle but with you to guide me, all will be well.

  ‘In closing, let me say, Thank Heaven for Little Girls forever!

  ‘Yours sincerely …’

  Hannah let out a cry, fainted, and slid off the couch, gashing her head on the coffee table as she fell.

  TWENTY-THREE

  Hannah came to, cradled in her husband’s arms. He was shaking her. His face loomed over hers, his gaze frantic.

  ‘Hannah, are you all right?’ he demanded. ‘Talk to me.’

  Hannah nodded and swallowed hard. ‘Let me go,’ she whispered.

  He released his hold on her except his steadying grip under one of her arms. Awkwardly, she scrambled up from the floor and sat down on the sofa. She didn’t dare try to stand up. She felt as if she would topple over if she did so. There was a spatter of dark red droplets across the rug beneath the corner of the table.

  Adam pushed himself up and sat down beside her. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed at the blood which had run down Hannah’s face from her scalp wound.

  ‘Ow,’ she exclaimed.

  ‘Does that hurt?’

  ‘A little,’ Hannah admitted.

  ‘Maybe I should take you to the ER.’

  ‘Forget the ER. I won’t go.’

  ‘You were out cold for a few seconds.’

  ‘From shock,’ she said, probing her cut scalp gingerly with her fingers. ‘Not from this.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

  ‘Absolutely. I was trying to obliterate everything that happened in the last hour.’

  ‘It didn’t work,’ he said.

  Hannah glanced at the innocuous-looking pile of letters scattered on the coffee table in front of them. ‘How could it?’ she said. Then she raised her hands and covered her eyes and her face.

  Adam closed his eyes too, and they sat that way for a few minutes, knees touching, their breathing loud in the quiet room.

  When Hannah removed her hands from her face, there were tears running down her cheeks. Some of the tears mixed with the blood and formed a spidery red pattern along her chin. She looked hopelessly at her husband.

  ‘Do we need to open the others?’ she asked.

  ‘I already know everything I need to know,’ he said.

  ‘So do I,’ said Hannah, and she let out a sob.

  Adam massaged her bent spine absently with his open palm. Hannah rubbed her eyes with her fists, as if she could somehow grind away the sight she had seen. It was no use. The words were now in her brain, frozen there forever.

  ‘Lisa cannot be allowed to be around Sydney. Never again,’ he said, and his voice was shaking.

  Hannah nodded. ‘No. Obviously not.’ Of all the heartbreaking things she had faced in recent months, this was the worst. ‘I … I can’t comprehend it.’

  ‘Truly,’ he said.

  Hannah shook her head and kneaded her forehead which was beginning to throb. ‘I just cannot believe this. Adam, what should we do?’

  ‘I don’t know. I feel like I don’t ever want to set eyes on her again.’

  ‘We can’t tell anyone about this.’

  ‘Why would we want to?’ he cried.

  ‘We can’t, that’s all.’

  ‘Because we’re ashamed?’

  ‘Well, I am ashamed. Aren’t you?’ she countered.

  ‘That’s the least of my concerns.’

  ‘But do we want this all over the papers? All over the news?’

  Adam looked at her in disbelief. ‘Are you worried about Lisa’s reputation? Isn’t it a little late for that?’

  Hannah shook her head miserably. ‘I can’t deny that I dread facing that. Every reporter saying that about Lisa. Even if it’s true. But that’s not it. I’m worried about Sydney finding out. I don’t want her to ever know that her mother was willing to …’

  ‘Pimp her out. A toddler,’ said Adam bitterly. ‘That’s what it is, isn’t it? It would serve Lisa right if we marched down to the police station and handed them these letters. Let them take over. I’m not sure if she’s actually committed a crime but she certainly intended to.’

  ‘I know. I know. I just …’ said Hannah. ‘I just keep wondering what is wrong with her? How could we not have known this? Could we have prevented it? Was it our fault somehow?’

  ‘Our fault?’ he demanded. ‘She certainly didn’t learn that depraved behavior around here. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Maybe she is a mental case – a psychopath – just like your friend said.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Hannah miserably. ‘I would never have believed … in my wildest dreams … that our own daughter could ever think of such a thing. It’s just … it’s too terrible to take in.’

  ‘Well, we have to take it in,’ said Adam, ‘because in less than two months she will be free and on her way home to take her daughter from us. And she’ll be free to carry out her disgusting plan.’

  ‘Can we stop her, short of calling the police?’

  For a few minutes they sat in silence, each one contemplating their miserable options. Adam broke the silence.

  ‘Hannah,’ he said, ‘we have to seek custody.’

  For one brief, despairing moment, Hannah thought about starting the process that lay ahead of them. Wresting custody of her grandchild away from her daughter. It was not what she would have chosen. But Sydney was innocent and, as unthinkable as it was, she had to be protected from her own mother. ‘I know,’ she said.

  ‘We will have to seek legal custody of Sydney. Lisa can’t be allowed to visit her unsupervised. We have no choice. And we have to do it right away.’

  Hannah nodded. ‘Of course. You’re right,’ she said.

  ‘I suppose we need to find an attorney,’ he said.

  ‘Wait, Adam, wait. Let’s just talk about it. When all is said and done, it’s Lisa. No matter what she’s done, she’s still our daughter.’

  Adam looked at her impatiently. ‘Meaning what? We should just pretend we don’t know what she was planning?’

  Hannah shook her head. ‘No. I don’t mean that.’

  ‘Don’t pretend that her intentions aren’t as clear as day. And don’t ask me to forgive her. Please, don’t do that. I’m sick to my stomach as it is.’

  Hannah put her hand on his, as if to stay his anger. ‘I’m just thinking that we might avoid the whole public spectacle, for Sydney’s sake. Maybe we can make Lisa listen to reason. Let’s go and see her.’

  ‘I don’t think I can stand the sight of her,’ he said disgustedly.

 
; ‘Adam, listen. We have to at least talk to her first. If she finds out that we know about these letters, maybe she will be willing to just give us custody to avoid all the attorneys and the judicial circus.’

  ‘Oh, no. Quietly is one thing but if we do this, it all has to be legal,’ he said, wagging a finger at Hannah. ‘Every “t” crossed, every “i” dotted. I don’t want Lisa to be able to say that she changed her mind, or that she doesn’t have these … appetites anymore,’ he said, angrily brushing the letters onto the floor. ‘I’ll never trust her alone with that child again.’

  Hannah shook her head, and her heart ached so badly that she felt as if a heart attack was imminent. ‘No. Me neither,’ she said.

  ‘Oh my God, it’s so sick!’ he cried.

  ‘I know,’ Hannah whispered.

  Again they were silent, prisoners of all they now knew.

  Finally Adam spoke. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘If we lay it out for her, she’ll have no choice but to capitulate. It’s that, or face more charges. And we can remind her that it won’t change anything that much. We’ve virtually had sole custody for months now.’

  ‘That’s what I’m hoping. And as hard as it is to turn my back on Lisa, we have to think of Sydney. She’s all that matters now. Her safety.’

  ‘Amen,’ he said.

  ‘So, you agree. We should try to talk to her?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘I suppose so,’ he sighed.

  ‘Should we go now?’ Hannah asked him, afraid of the answer.

  ‘It’s not going to get any easier,’ he said.

  They were able to let Lisa know that they were coming. Because she was on work detail in the laundry, she was not allowed to come to the phone. But the operator who answered the phone promised to relay the message to her through a guard. Hannah and Adam looked at one another, and each saw anxiety and determination in the other’s eyes.

  ‘Let’s go, before we lose our will,’ said Adam. Hannah nodded agreement.

  They were silent on the drive to the county jail, which was located in a dry, gray brown field at the edge of a commercial strip outside of the city. The drive took about forty minutes. Although Hannah looked out the window the whole way, she saw nothing. She could not have described the passing landscape if her life depended on it. In her mind’s eye she was seeing her daughter. Lisa at four, on the swings. At ten, riding her bike, at fourteen, graduating from high school, a fragile child among her older classmates. She had been strange – yes. Strange because she was so much smarter than every other classmate and yet was too young to be included in their senior year privileges and hi-jinx. But when it came to a social life, Lisa was impatient with kids her own age, and found their concerns juvenile. She was often isolated. Hannah had sought out counseling for her, and she and Adam had done their level best to reassure her that she was special, gifted, lucky. A million times Hannah had allayed her own anxieties by telling herself that it would all level out for her in the end, and she would find her social niche.

  Lisa’s pregnancy had come as a shock, and she was five months along when Hannah noticed her expanding belly, and Lisa finally admitted to it. Hannah had always suspected that some older boy had forced himself on her, at one of the intercollegiate brainiac competitions she sometimes attended in other cities. But Lisa refused to accuse anyone, and insisted that she wanted to keep her baby, even though Hannah and Adam knew full well that she was not yet capable of being a mother. They had always agreed that they would help her. They just never realized that they would be Sydney’s sole custodians a mere two years after she was born.

  Adam pulled through the brick gateway topped by sharp-edged wire mesh and drove up the long driveway leading up to the prison. He turned and glanced at Hannah. ‘We have arrived,’ he said.

  She nodded grimly. ‘Let’s just face it.’

  Lisa was sitting with her back to the door when they arrived at the visitors’ room. DCDOC, standing for Davidson County Dept. of Corrections, was emblazoned on the back of her prison jumpsuit. Hannah immediately recognized Lisa’s mass of dark, unruly curls.

  They walked around the table and stood there. Lisa looked up and her eyes behind her glasses lit up at the sight of them, and then, immediately, her gaze became wary. Hannah could not help herself. Despite all she knew, her heart went out to her child, who was now a prisoner in this godforsaken facility. She bent down and kissed her daughter awkwardly on the cheek. Adam remained standing, his arms crossed over his chest.

  ‘Dad?’

  ‘Hello, Lisa,’ he said.

  ‘Can we sit down?’ Hannah asked.

  Lisa waved a hand indifferently. She was studying her father’s stony face. Adam pulled out a chair for Hannah then pulled out the one beside her for himself.

  Lisa looked at them ruefully. ‘You took your time getting here. I thought you’d never come.’

  Hannah avoided her daughter’s gaze. Adam stared back at Lisa steadily, unsmiling. ‘This is not a social call,’ he said.

  For a moment Lisa looked taken aback. Her parents’ support, no matter what, had been a constant in her life. She stared at them, puzzled, trying to make sense of the change in their attitudes. ‘What is this? You look like you’re here to scold me.’

  ‘Not exactly,’ said Hannah quietly.

  ‘Well, what’s the matter, then?’ Lisa demanded. ‘Is this about the trial? You were the one who was telling me how happy I should be because we won. Remember? And if this is about the check, I told you, Troy gave me that money. No matter what that jury believed, that’s what happened. I thought my own parents would believe me.’

  ‘No, Lisa,’ said Hannah. ‘Stop. It has nothing to do with that.’

  ‘Just for the record,’ said Adam, ‘I don’t believe you. Not about the check. Not about Troy.’

  Hannah gave him a warning glance. ‘Adam, please don’t,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks a lot, Dad,’ said Lisa, pushing her glasses back up on the bridge of her nose. ‘I really appreciate that. So why the hell did you bother to come?’

  Adam’s eyes flashed angrily but he did not reply.

  ‘We have to talk to you about something,’ said Hannah.

  Lisa looked from one to the other with narrowed eyes. ‘What?’

  Hannah folded her hands on the worn tabletop which separated her from her daughter. ‘It’s about Sydney.’

  Lisa did not ask if there was anything amiss with her daughter. ‘What about her?’ she demanded.

  Hannah took a deep breath and looked down at her folded hands. Before she could speak, Adam blurted out, ‘We want you to give us sole custody of her. Legally.’

  Lisa’s eyes widened in anger. Then she looked from her father to her mother, as if challenging Hannah to refute what Adam had just said. ‘Is that true?’ she asked. ‘Is that why you’re here?’

  Hannah nodded.

  ‘I’m in jail for two months and you want me to give up my rights to my child?’ she asked mockingly.

  ‘We are worried. We have good reason,’ said Hannah, her voice trembling.

  ‘Why would I do that?’ Lisa demanded. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

  Adam reached into the breast pocket of his jacket and pulled out the letters from the post-office box. He set them down on the table as if they were explosive.

  ‘Because we have these,’ he said.

  ‘Adam, wait,’ said Hannah, worried that he was moving too quickly with Lisa.

  Lisa stared at the letters on the table. ‘What are those?’

  ‘They came from your post-office box,’ said Adam calmly.

  Lisa blanched. ‘What? How did you …?’

  ‘Does it really matter how?’ he asked wearily. ‘We have them. That’s all that really matters. We just need you to agree to give up your rights to Sydney.’

  Lisa did not pretend that she didn’t know about any post-office box. She picked up one of the letters, almost curiously, and then tossed it aside. When she looked up at her father, her eyes wer
e hard and glittering. Her face was frozen into an expression of contempt. ‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ she said.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Hannah searched her daughter’s face for some sign of guilt or embarrassment. There was no shame in Lisa’s eyes. No regret, or even uneasiness. Simply defiance. ‘Lisa, we’ve read these letters. We know … everything,’ said Hannah.

  ‘So let me get this straight. You broke into my post-office box?’ Lisa asked. ‘That’s a federal crime, isn’t it?’

  Adam’s jaw sagged as if she had punched him. His hands were balled up into fists, and he was shaking. ‘You have the nerve to talk to us about a crime?’

  Hannah spoke sharply in a low voice to her daughter. ‘Look, your father is right. We know that you have been soliciting men to have … I can’t even say it. It’s too disgusting to even say it. When I think of what you were suggesting about your own baby. Please, have the decency to be ashamed of yourself.’

  Lisa turned and looked at her mother earnestly. ‘Mother, I never meant for you to know about this. I knew you wouldn’t understand.’

  Hannah gasped. ‘Understand? What is there to understand?’

  ‘All right, look. I’m not unaware of what the world thinks about … unusual sexual tastes. I get it. But you need to try and expand your way of thinking a little bit. I’m not like you. I’m sure you two have done everything the same in bed for twenty years. That may be OK for you but it’s not for me. Besides, I don’t want to hurt Sydney. I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt her. I was very specific about that in my ad. I want her to enjoy it.’

  ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ Adam gasped.

  ‘You know that what you are talking about is a crime,’ said Hannah. ‘A heinous crime.’

  ‘I’m talking about pleasure,’ Lisa insisted. ‘Excitement.’

  Hannah closed her eyes. ‘Don’t say another word, Lisa. This conversation cannot continue.’

  Lisa looked vaguely affronted. ‘You’re the ones who brought it up. I’m only trying to explain. You’re insisting on an explanation.’

  Adam gripped one hand over his other fist, as if to prevent himself from reaching up and striking her. ‘We don’t need any explanations, Lisa. I don’t know how you turned into this … this … abomination. It doesn’t matter.’