I See You

by Patricia MacDonald

  ‘I’m the same person I always was,’ she insisted. ‘What happened to your great love for me? That’s all I ever heard growing up. How much you loved me.’

  Hannah stared at her daughter as if from a great distance. Lisa made it sound like it had been a burden to constantly hear that she was loved. Was she, in fact, the same as she had always been? How was it possible that they had lived with Lisa, loved her all these years, and seen no flashing lights, no warning bells of danger dead ahead? Hannah had felt only a tremor of unease now and then, and told herself it was because her daughter was smarter than other children. And therefore unpredictable, and sometimes lonely. Hannah thought of her as special. Unique. ‘Believe it or not, I still love you. I still do.’

  Lisa snorted. ‘You’ve got a strange way of showing it.’

  ‘You’re our daughter, our only child, and we’ll always love you.’

  ‘Speak for yourself,’ said Adam. ‘I’m so disgusted, I don’t think I ever want to see you again, Lisa.’

  Hannah shook her head. ‘Adam, don’t say that. Your father and I are angry. Furious. But we are not doing this to try to hurt you. We just can’t let you go near Sydney ever again. Not alone. Not ever.’

  ‘And I’m supposed to do whatever you say? Just accept that you know what’s best for Sydney?’ Lisa demanded sarcastically. ‘Like you did for me?’

  Hannah exchanged a bewildered glance with Adam, both of them shocked by Lisa’s accusation. Is this lack of a conscience in Lisa the result of our parenting? Hannah wondered. We raised her the best way we could, with all the love and attention we could muster, and now, here she sits, in jail, defending her perverted desires. ‘Lisa, it’s common sense,’ Hannah said, almost gently. ‘Common decency.’

  Lisa curled her lip scornfully. ‘You’re right about the common part,’ she said. ‘You are both so … dull. So … middle of the road. Well, for your information, Sydney is my child. She doesn’t have to share your values. Did it ever occur to you that she might share mine? She might actually benefit from the choices I make for her?’

  Hannah looked at her daughter as if she were seeing her for the very first time. As if she were a total stranger. ‘When you took up with Troy, Lisa, you knew that he’d been accused of … interfering with a child. You knew that when you went out with him, didn’t you?’

  Lisa rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. ‘Wow, you’ve got a lot on your mind today.’

  ‘Didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I knew. Some nurse out where Grandma lives told me about him. She told me what he had been accused of. I found that interesting. I thought he and I might have some interests in common. But it turned out that he wasn’t into children after all,’ said Lisa. ‘In fact, he was just like you two. Very indignant about the whole idea.’

  Hannah stared at her. ‘You offered Sydney to Troy?’

  Lisa shook her head. ‘I suggested some things we all might enjoy. He went ballistic. He threatened to tell them at the medical school. He said they would kick me out if they knew. You know, you’d think, after what happened to him at that camp, that he wouldn’t be so free to go around accusing people. Besides, it was ridiculous. That was between us. It was our private business.’

  ‘You killed him, didn’t you?’ Adam said flatly.

  Lisa looked at him defiantly. ‘The gas heater exploded. I wasn’t even there. Remember?’

  Adam shook his head. ‘I don’t believe a word you say.’

  ‘All right. That’s enough,’ said Hannah. ‘Stop.’

  ‘You’re the ones who came over here accusing me,’ Lisa protested petulantly.

  ‘All right, look,’ said Adam. ‘We are going to tell you what is going to happen now and you are going to agree to it. End of story.’

  Lisa turned on him. ‘And what is that?’

  ‘We are going to hire an attorney to draw up an agreement that can’t be broken, giving us full and permanent custody of Sydney. And you are going to sign it. If you want visitation, you’re going to have to see Sydney with one of us always present. Or a social worker. Take your pick. If you want to hire an attorney to fight this you can. But we won’t pay for it this time. So, good luck with that.’

  Lisa studied her father with a cold gaze. ‘You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?’

  ‘I don’t know about that,’ said Adam, pointing a finger at her. ‘But I’ll tell you one thing. You will do this. You can’t get around us because we have these letters. It will be an easy matter to trace your communications with these perverts. If you try to fight this you, and they, are going to find yourselves all over the news and probably back in jail. Because I will not hesitate to use these disgusting letters against you in court if I have to.’

  ‘You know,’ said Lisa languidly, ‘if you had been reasonable I might have been willing to consider some kind of arrangement. But instead, you barged in here and threatened me. That makes me not want to cooperate.’

  ‘You have no choice,’ he said bitterly.

  A smile played around Lisa’s lips, and Hannah felt a sudden fear, like a gust of cold wind, blow up in her chest. ‘That’s what you think,’ said Lisa.

  Hannah glanced at Adam, and saw the momentary hesitancy, the uncertainty in his eyes. She realized, with a sickening certainty, that he was afraid, too.

  ‘For your information, I have done my research,’ said Lisa, ‘both in medicine and in psychology. And even an ignorant layman can tell you what I learned. When I first noticed these … interests I had, and I realized that other people didn’t necessarily share them, I read about their etiology.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Adam asked wearily. ‘I’m not here to discuss your sick sexual desires.’

  ‘Do you know where those predilections come from, in most cases?’ she asked.

  Adam glared at her, and did not response.

  ‘Most pedophiles were abused in their own childhoods. Often by their own fathers.’

  Hannah gasped and blinked at Lisa, as if she were blinded by the words she had just heard.

  ‘Now you can go ahead and try to make your case for why I should lose custody of Sydney,’ Lisa continued. ‘You’re right. The letters will definitely work against me. But what do you think a judge will say about your petition for custody when I tell him how I was sexually abused throughout my childhood? By my father? Do you think you’ll ever get custody of my daughter then?’

  In that moment, Hannah thought that this nightmare, which couldn’t get any worse, had suddenly become a thousand times more terrible. Adam? she thought. She wanted to die. She turned to look at her husband, afraid that he might suddenly look completely different. Like a monster. He was staring at his only child. His face was dead white and the look in his eyes was stricken, as if he were gazing upon the destruction of his very life.

  Adam was looking hopelessly at Lisa. ‘All your life, you’ve been my baby. All your life I’ve adored you. How can you even make up such a vile thing?’ he whispered.

  ‘In fact, I could tell them that you could actually be Sydney’s father. Of course, I think that might work against you in your fight for custody, don’t you?’

  Adam peered at her, as if he was trying to look into her mind. ‘Lisa, why say such a thing? You know it’s not true. A simple test would put that lie to rest. So why even say it? Do you know what you’re accusing me of? Do you realize …? This is evil …? Lisa. For God’s sake.’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘All I know is they won’t dare give her to you after I tell them that. How could they?’

  Hannah sat dumbfounded, staring at her husband and her daughter, as if she had been struck by lightning.

  Lisa looked at her mother ruefully. ‘Anytime you want to jump in, Mother. How about taking my side in this? I’m the victim here.’ Lisa looked at her mother’s stunned expression in disgust. ‘You are a poor excuse for a mother. Standing by and letting him have his way with me all throughout my childhood. Thanks a lot.’

  ‘I’m not h
earing this,’ said Hannah dully.

  ‘Right. You’re an expert at that,’ said Lisa. ‘Not hearing what you don’t want to hear.’

  Adam pleaded with his daughter. ‘Lisa, all I ever did was my best for you. Why? How could you hate me so?’

  Lisa looked at him slyly. ‘Why not? You’re trying to take what’s mine away from me. I’ll shout it from the rooftops if I want,’ she said.

  Hannah was silent. She knew about these cases. Fathers raping their daughters. It was part of her job to deal with the fallout of such things. She had encountered horrible men who preyed on their children. Women who refused to listen to their children when they had the courage to claim they were abused. She had worked with these families. What Lisa was saying did happen in some families, and not infrequently. People liked to think that this was the rarest of abuses. They were kidding themselves. Hannah glanced at her husband. He looked like he’d been poleaxed.

  ‘Maybe you’ll stop being the adoring wifey now. Maybe you’ll look at him a little differently.’ Lisa’s expression was satisfied. Almost … merry.

  Hannah stared at her daughter, trying to fathom the cruelty that was behind those laughing eyes. ‘Is that what you want?’ she asked. ‘For me to suspect the worst of your father?’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘You have no trouble suspecting the worst about me. Why not him?’

  Hannah closed her eyes. Then she shook her head and gathered up the letters on the table, stuffing them back into her purse. ‘These letters are proof. I have proof of the worst. Otherwise, I never would have believed it of you. I wouldn’t have believed it was possible.’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘I don’t care what you think. Think what you want,’ she said. ‘We’ll see what the court says. Do you suppose they’d take a chance on giving another innocent girl into his custody?’ Her eyes were maniacally bright.

  ‘Do you think this is funny?’ Hannah asked. ‘Why are you smiling?’

  ‘Because I can stop you from getting what you want,’ said Lisa.

  ‘Your father and I love our granddaughter,’ said Hannah. ‘We only want what’s good for her. You can’t be trusted to take care of her.’

  ‘Oh, she’d be better off being the victim of this pervert?’

  Hannah looked at her daughter as if from a great distance. ‘You are lost, Lisa,’ she said. ‘God help me, I can see it now.’

  Adam remained silent. Hannah wondered if he was physically all right. She looked into his pained, bewildered eyes.

  ‘Let’s go,’ she said. Then, she stood up. Adam rose unsteadily to his feet as well. Hannah looked down on her daughter, still seated at the table. ‘We will protect Sydney from you. I promise you that.’

  Hannah started for the door and Adam followed. Lisa watched them go. Her gaze was cold and her lips were lifted in a smile.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  ‘Thank you,’ he said, as he unlocked the passenger door of the car and waited for Hannah to slip into the front seat.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Hannah asked worriedly.

  Adam just shook his head.

  ‘We’ll be home soon,’ she said.

  Neither one of them spoke on the ride home. Hannah could not wait until they were in the safety, the shelter of their house. But when they were almost to her street, she remembered Sydney. They had to pick her up.

  ‘We have to stop and get Sydney,’ she said.

  Adam nodded. ‘You’re right. I was so distracted …’ he said.

  Hannah heaved a sigh, and Adam turned in the direction of Tiffany’s house.

  Sydney was waiting by the front window when they arrived. She grabbed up her little pink backpack and rushed to meet them. Hannah scooped her up, and inhaled her pure, delicious scent. She told herself that Lisa had been stopped before she could carry out her plan. Sydney was still untouched and innocent. Please, God, she thought.

  She carried the toddler out to the car. Adam got out of the car and opened the back door and extended his arms for her, ready to put her in the back seat. Then he hesitated, and looked at his wife.

  Hannah shook her head. ‘Don’t,’ she said. ‘Don’t hesitate. Don’t ever wonder.’ She handed Sydney to her grandfather, who placed her tenderly in her car seat while Sydney insisted, ‘Sit with me, Pop-pop.’

  Adam blinked away tears but he gave her a weary grin. ‘I love you, little bit.’

  ‘Wuv you,’ Sydney cried, blowing him a kiss.

  Hannah put one of Sydney’s favorite CDs into the dashboard so they would not need to talk. Sydney sang along cheerfully, leaving her grandparents alone with their thoughts and their recollections of the dreadful meeting with Lisa.

  Hannah felt as if it had been the longest evening of her life. They couldn’t really talk in front of Sydney but there was so much she wanted to say to Adam, so much information that she needed his help to process. Fortunately, Sydney seemed oblivious, banging around cheerfully among her toys, eating her dinner with gusto, taking her bath and crawling up on Adam’s lap for a story before bed. Hannah took her in to her room at last, and tucked her under her covers.

  ‘When is Mommy coming home?’ Sydney asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Hannah.

  ‘Tomorrow?’ asked the child.

  ‘No,’ said Hannah grimly. ‘Not tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m gonna draw a picture for her when she comes home,’ said Sydney.

  Hannah felt like her heart was being crushed in her chest. ‘Yes. That would be nice,’ she said. ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’

  Sydney threw her arms around Hannah’s neck. ‘I love you, Mom-mom,’ she said.

  ‘I love you too,’ said Hannah. ‘More than you will ever know.’

  Hannah left Sydney’s room, pulling the door shut quietly behind her, and tiptoed down the hall back to the living room. Adam was sitting in his favorite chair from where he often watched TV, but tonight the screen was dark. He stared at it nonetheless. He looked up when Hannah came into the room.

  ‘Did you get her off to sleep?’ he asked.

  Hannah nodded. ‘She was tired. She asked me when her mother was coming home. She wants to draw a picture for her.’

  Adam sighed. ‘Poor little thing. She has no idea.’

  ‘Thankfully,’ said Hannah. ‘Are you OK, darling? You look terrible.’

  ‘I feel as if a bomb exploded inside me. It’s like my chest is filled with rubble.’

  ‘I know,’ said Hannah.

  Adam looked over at his wife. His face was gray and haggard. ‘Hannah, I can’t believe what she is doing. I mean, I heard it with my own ears but … I still can’t believe it.’

  Hannah shook her head. ‘It’s as if I don’t know her at all.’

  ‘How could she hate me so much? To say such a thing? Was I such a bad father, that she should hate me so much?’

  She wanted to sit beside him and take his hand. She didn’t want to have to see the pain in his eyes. But she remained in the chair where she had sat down when she re-entered the room. They were going to have to be strong. Realistic. This was no time to break down. ‘You were a wonderful father,’ said Hannah staunchly. ‘From the day she was born.’

  Adam looked at Hannah with narrowed eyes. He was gripping the arms of his chair so tightly that his knuckles were white. ‘I’m trying to imagine how you felt when you heard that … accusation she made. I mean, didn’t you … wonder if it was true? It would be only human to wonder,’ he said.

  Hannah started to immediately deny it, and then she hesitated. She tried never to lie to him. Certainly not when it was this important. ‘All right. Sure. For a moment. Of course I did. For a minute.’

  Adam winced, pierced by her words. But he had asked what she had been thinking, and Hannah knew him well enough to know that he would accept what she said stoically.

  ‘You know, in the course of my job I’ve seen families where this sort of thing has happened. Children preyed on by parents and grandparents. There’s no use pretending that this doesn’t occur. It d
oes,’ Hannah admitted.

  Adam took a deep breath and considered his wife’s honest response. ‘You thought it might be possible.’

  ‘Anything’s possible,’ said Hannah.

  ‘Look, Hannah,’ he said. ‘I’m trying to be calm about this. And fatalistic. No one could blame you for asking yourself … Look, if you want me to take a lie-detector test … Or a paternity test …’

  Hannah raised her hands as if to ward off a blow. ‘Stop. Please. It was only the shock that rocked me for a moment. And then I came to my senses. I know you, Adam. A person’s world has to have some bedrock … truths. If there’s one thing in this world that I do know, it’s that you could never do what she said.’

  ‘Thank you,’ he said humbly.

  ‘No need,’ said Hannah.

  Adam grimaced. ‘Listening to her, I swear, I almost thought she believed it.’

  ‘She may have convinced herself somehow. Obviously, there is something terribly wrong with Lisa.’

  ‘Parents are supposed to be their child’s most tireless advocates. No matter what,’ he said. ‘I always believed that. We’re supposed to support them and stay on their side.’

  Hannah looked at him frankly. ‘With all that we know about her now? After seeing those letters?’ She shuddered as if she had tasted something bitter.

  He waited for her to say more but at the same time the realization dawned in his eyes that there was nothing more she needed to say. She was saying that there was nothing he had to prove to her. He had already proved it, over the course of their long life together. That’s what she was telling him. ‘You don’t know what that means to me,’ he said.

  She could feel a wave of love emanating from him, threatening to inundate her and make her weak. He wanted to come and sit beside her and pull her to him and hold her in his arms. He wanted to soak in her warmth, and share everything he felt without saying another word. Hannah shook her head in warning.

  ‘I know exactly what it means,’ she said. ‘Don’t think I don’t.’