Never Out of Sight

by Louise Stone

  ‘She’s down there,’ I heard a guy shout and then a furore of noise and movement as the camera crews gathered their belongings to come after me. I looked briefly over my shoulder and began to run, the chilly late October air burning my lungs as I moved faster and faster through the familiar streets of Chilcote. After a couple of minutes, I stopped, catching my breath behind a tree in the park and checked once again. No one had followed. Instead, they would be waiting for me on my return.

  I suddenly shivered, my skin crawling with goosebumps as I scanned the park. It felt as though someone was watching me. My eyes flitted from the bench to the trees, to the children’s play area. The swing swayed back and forth and the tree branches waved their gnarly, leafless fingers as the wind began to pick up.

  I rubbed my eyes and thought how, only yesterday morning, I had been in Robert’s bed, and how his touch made me feel emotions I hadn’t felt in years. Now, my daughter was missing and I was trapped in a tangled web of lies, deceit and, simultaneously, lust.

  I knew Zoe would be devastated to find out about my affair with Robert, but I knew it would be even worse if she found out that, in the pit of despair of my post-natal depression, in a fog of sadness that I can now barely remember, I filled out the forms that would begin the process of giving Zoe up for adoption. With hindsight, I cannot believe I could ever have given her up. I know Stephen wouldn’t have. But at the time, I believed that she would be better off with a mother who could love her and care for her in a way I could not.

  When Stephen had found the papers, of course he had flipped. Quite rightly so. But instead of helping me, supporting me, suggesting counselling, he had called me unnatural. Things hadn’t been the same between us since. Little did he realise, or little did he choose to realise, how lonely I had felt, how isolated; how badly I had wanted to love her. If Stephen couldn’t forgive me for that, how could Zoe? Secrets were like poison, infiltrating every part of your soul, and rotting you from the inside out.

  But I wasn’t the only one with secrets. I knew about his affair, but I couldn’t banish the thought that there was more to it than that. Why had Carter wanted to question him? Surely, it couldn’t just be because he was an overprotective father? What was I missing? What wasn’t he telling me? Then I thought about the farmer, Jerry Wyre, and the way he had looked at me, like he knew me better than I knew myself. Was this his personal vendetta, because I had confronted him over his inappropriate behaviour towards Zoe?

  I needed to speak to Robert. Taking out my mobile, I found his number under ‘Student Admin’, pressed the green button and it started to ring.

  ‘Freya? Hey, I rolled over yesterday morning and you had gone. What happened?’

  A barrage of pent-up sobs was released and it took me a few seconds to be able to speak at all. ‘It’s Zoe, my daughter. She’s missing. The police are at the house.’

  ‘Shit. Are you sure? I mean, she might have just stayed out? It’s the kind of thing teenagers do sometimes.’ There was an awkward silence. ‘Shit, I’m sorry, Frey, I don’t know what to say.’

  I wanted to see him, I needed to feel his arms around me. I needed to feel confident, capable, like I mattered – and I only felt this way when I was with Robert.

  ‘I’m worried sick,’ I went on, wishing he would give me just a little bit more. ‘I thought you might understand. You’re the only person who really understands me.’ I started to cry again.

  ‘Aw, Frey, come on. Sorry,’ he said, his voice soothing. ‘I didn’t know you were that worried.’

  ‘The police are at our house and there have been developments.’

  Again, that awkward silence. ‘Look, do you want to come here? Or meet up somewhere?’

  ‘No,’ I sniffled. ‘I need to concentrate on my family.’

  ‘Okay, but listen… I’m sure it’ll be okay.’

  ‘No, it’s not okay because I’ve lied to the police about my relationship with you and I think the detective knows something doesn’t add up.’

  ‘What do you mean? Look, like I said, she might have just decided to stay away for a bit. It’s the kind of crazy thing I might have done at her age to get my parents’ attention. Well,’ he paused, ‘it’s what I wanted to do, but I was too scared of my dad.’

  ‘Please, Robert, listen,’ I said, hoping he would understand the urgency. ‘I thought the same at first, but she’s been gone for more than two days, and something’s definitely wrong because she never ignores texts from her dad.’ I lowered my voice, my hand gripping the phone. I exhaled silently, looked up to the sky and waited for my words to sink in. ‘I’m terrified something’s happened to her, Robert. What should I do?’

  ‘Aw, Frey,’ he soothed. ‘What can I do? Do you want to meet up?’

  I wanted that so badly it hurt but I shook my head. ‘No, I can’t. Not right now. It’s important I’m at home in case Zoe comes back or they hear anything.’

  He remained silent and I wished he would speak. He’d never been like this with me before, and speaking to him hadn’t brought me the comfort I’d imagined.

  ‘Rob? You understand?’

  A heartbeat later, he said, ‘Of course, Frey, your family comes first. I understand.’

  ***

  I returned home and, as I had expected, I was mobbed by the news crews.

  ‘Mrs Hall,’ called one woman, ‘is it true you don’t know exactly when Zoe went missing? That neither you nor Mr Hall knew until yesterday?’

  I caught the woman’s eye and said, ‘No comment,’ just as I had been instructed, but I was caught in a fresh wave of guilt.

  DI Carter whisked me inside as I approached the back doors.

  ‘Mrs Hall, where the hell have you been?’

  ‘I needed air.’ I looked at him. ‘Anyway, it’s not like I’m under arrest now, is it?’

  ‘No,’ he conceded, ‘but for your own safety and to protect you from them’ – he indicated the reporters – ‘I’d suggest you stay inside.’

  I walked past him and took my coat off in the hall. He followed me and, when I glimpsed my bag, I thought of all the essays I was supposed to be marking this weekend. I stopped suddenly. How could I be thinking of work at a time like this? What kind of mother was I? My cheeks reddened.

  ‘Mrs Hall,’ Carter started, ‘I want to talk to you about those photos Stephen mentioned to you. It would appear Zoe took more only on Thursday this week.’

  I didn’t move and he nodded sympathetically. ‘I’m not here to judge you or your family, Mrs Hall. It would appear that there are more photos of her…’ He paused. ‘Taken before she went missing. Can I have a word with you and Mr Hall in the kitchen? I think the photos may contain a clue.’

  A ripple of panic had started to make its way through my body; my throat was closing up and my fingers fingered the sides of my jeans. ‘What kind of clue?’

  He gestured for me to enter the kitchen. Stephen was already sitting at the table, his head in his hands. He looked up, his face pale and tired, when I joined him and stood by the table.

  Stephen’s lips twitched. ‘Like I told you earlier, she had some photos taken of herself.’

  I could hear a humming in my ears. I moved towards the nearest chair and rested my hand and weight against it. ‘Go on.’

  ‘She’s naked in them.’

  ‘What?’ I could barely manage a whisper.

  DI Carter pulled a seat out and sat me down.

  ‘I set up a safety feature through her mobile phone, so that every time a photo is taken, or whatever, it goes up into her cloud, and then downloads a copy automatically onto my laptop, into a file I’ve made, called Zo,’ Stephen went on. ‘Like I’ve told you. But there’s more.’

  I sat with a thud. ‘Why is she naked in these photos, Stephen?’

  ‘Well, initially I found out she was using some social networking app and that…’ His voice disappeared into thin air.

  ‘Initially?’ I said, suddenly disbelieving. ‘You make it sound like you’ve k
nown for some time.’ I had had a gut instinct a few months ago when he kept asking me if Zoe was acting differently. Why had it taken me this long to realise he had been holding back on me? I knew why, and I felt the guilt and shame roil in my stomach.

  ‘Yes, I’ve known for a couple of months. I thought it was best I dealt with it,’ Stephen said as though it was the most natural thing to have done.

  ‘When you say, she was using a social networking app, what do you mean? Who was she chatting to?’

  I felt sickened by the thought of men, maybe boys, talking seductively to my daughter. Why hadn’t I checked her phone myself? Why hadn’t I done more to protect her?

  Stephen brought me back from my reverie. ‘Freya, did you hear me? I said she was chatting to a guy.’

  I whipped my body round, engaging Carter’s gaze.

  ‘Well, then, maybe that’s who’s got her. This guy. Some pervert off the Internet.’ I pressed my lips together momentarily and looked up at Carter. ‘I presume you’re looking into it.’

  ‘Of course,’ replied Carter, unfazed by my ridiculous question. ‘We’ve got all the details of Zoe’s account on the app and the company involved are doing as much as they can to help us. But what I wanted to tell you both is that we’ve uncovered some perhaps disturbing revelations.’

  ‘Such as?’ I wasn’t sure what else they could tell me now that could be any more disturbing.

  ‘The man in question on this app was literally just chatting. We’ve looked back through reams of conversation.’

  ‘What are you suggesting, Detective?’ I rose unsteadily from the chair. Needing to keep myself busy, I grabbed a glass and ran the cold water, and unthinkingly filled it until it dribbled over the edge, the water hitting my hand. I wondered if I could take one of my pills without anybody noticing. Switching the tap off, I turned back to him. ‘Detective?’ I prompted.

  ‘Zoe offered to take her clothes off for this forum user. The person in question said “no”, and yet…’

  ‘Yet what?’ I took a step towards Carter.

  ‘Yet, she did it anyway,’ Stephen said quietly.

  ‘As soon as Zoe posted the picture, the man cancelled his account,’ added Carter.

  I looked back at Stephen, and watched my husband’s face pale further. ‘You mean, she wasn’t in any way groomed, she just…’

  ‘It looks like she might have taken her clothes off voluntarily, that is correct,’ Carter said. ‘We’ve tracked the man down. My colleague is questioning him as we speak. So far, though, we can’t get anything on him.’

  I couldn’t bear to hear these things; my daughter was slipping from my grasp as it was, and now my belief in my daughter’s innocence was being sullied, too.

  I knew then that Stephen and Carter were waiting for me to speak. How could I have become so out of touch with Zoe that I hadn’t known she was sexting and sending naked photos of herself to strangers? I lived under the same roof and yet it was as if DI Carter was talking about someone else’s daughter.

  ‘Mrs Hall?’ Carter prompted.

  ‘I can’t believe Zoe would do that,’ I said quietly, unable to meet his eye.

  ‘I’m afraid we have evidence to the contrary.’ He paused. ‘What we need to figure out is why Zoe was posing naked, and if she was using any other apps or sites.’ He now looked at both of us in turn. ‘Did she seem different recently? You know, at all out of character? Quite often when this sort of behaviour starts, the loved ones, although it’s painful, do have to admit that their child was acting a little out of sorts.’

  I glanced at Stephen. ‘Yes. She was acting differently. That’s what I said to you, Frey, on the phone, didn’t I?’

  I looked at him blankly.

  ‘When I phoned from the conference, I said to you that I was worried about her, didn’t I?’ He rubbed his unshaven cheek. ‘Because I know she’s had a lot on her mind of late.’

  ‘Such as?’ Carter urged.

  ‘She’s been worried about completing her project for her film studies coursework. She has to produce a short film with Keira but she told me she’s finding it hard to concentrate on it.’

  ‘She didn’t mention why?’

  Stephen shook his head. ‘I was hoping to talk to her about it this weekend.’

  ‘Mrs Hall?’ Carter brought his gaze to rest on me.

  ‘I thought she was fine,’ I said hurriedly. ‘I mean, just a bit of a moody teenager, but now I really think about it, yes, she was a bit distant.’

  ‘Did she ever try to talk to you about any problems she may have been experiencing?’

  ‘After the parent-teacher conference disaster last week, I wasn’t exactly in her good books,’ I said. ‘When I called her on Friday about her staying at Keira’s she didn’t answer so I left a message but she never got back to me. Unless…’ I suddenly remembered the phone ringing in my office on Friday evening while Robert and I had been making the most of the fact that everyone else had gone home already. The display had said the number was unknown, so I had let it ring. Now that I thought about it, I was sure the caller had left a voicemail that I had never checked.

  I now realised, my heart hammering in my chest, that it might have been Zoe. I had ignored my own child. I had desperately tried to pull Robert’s fumbling hands away from my shirt but he had pushed me firmly up against the filing cabinet causing books and files to fly everywhere.

  ‘Someone tried to ring me,’ I said quietly. ‘On Friday. I was on my way out and I didn’t recognise the number so I didn’t pick up. Maybe it was Zoe? I have to get back to my office now! What if it’s from Zoe telling us where she is and she thinks we’re not coming for her?’ My voice had risen an octave or two as I started hyperventilating.

  Carter furrowed his brows. ‘Why would she call your office phone and not your mobile?’

  I had no idea. I felt suddenly deflated. Of course he was right. The message was most likely from a colleague or a student.

  ‘Thing is,’ Stephen said, ‘Freya and Zoe aren’t very close. She’s probably made out they are but they’re really not.’

  I stared wide-eyed at Stephen. ‘How dare you!’

  ‘Well, it’s true, isn’t it? I’m just trying to give the detective an accurate portrayal of our family life.’ He looked at me, his stare challenging. ‘We talked about this earlier and I think it’s best we tell the detective everything now, don’t you?’

  A ball of hard, knotted anger twisted roughly in my stomach and I could feel adrenaline pumping around my body. I clenched my jaw. ‘I have already told the detective that Zoe and I aren’t that close, but that I love her with all my heart.’

  ‘We’re close,’ Stephen addressed Carter, who nodded. ‘That’s why she confided in me about the school project, because she knows I’ll listen.’

  ‘What did you talk about earlier?’ Carter asked, his gaze piercing the top of my head as I exchanged a brief, furtive look with Stephen. If he told the detective, I knew there was no hope of keeping it a secret from Zoe.

  ‘I…’ I started. ‘I thought about putting Zoe up for adoption when she was first born. I wasn’t coping.’

  Carter pursed his lips. ‘Do you think this might have anything to do with her disappearance?’

  ‘Only if she’s found out but I don’t see how she could have,’ Stephen said quickly.

  I nodded, guilt wracking my body, tears streaming down my face. I wiped my nose with my shirt sleeve. ‘I never meant to do it. It was like another woman had taken over my body. I thought Zoe deserved more.’

  Stephen put his hand on the small of my back. ‘Freya, please.’

  ‘Well, it’s true, isn’t it?’ I glared at him. ‘You know that’s what I kept telling you but to this day you still think I’m uncaring, that in some way I don’t love Zoe as much as I should.’ I slammed the table with the flat of my hand. ‘I love her, Stephen, just as much as you and you will not make out otherwise.’

  ‘I’m sure that Mrs Hall does get on with Zoe and
loves her very much,’ Carter offered in what I could tell was the most neutral voice he had to offer. ‘Sometimes children find it easier to confide in one parent but it doesn’t mean they don’t get on with the other.’

  We nodded simultaneously like children receiving a moralistic lesson.

  I knew, absolutely, that it was imperative I got to the office and listened to the voicemail, to see whether it was from Zoe.

  Then my mind froze with panic; images spun through my head of the mug Robert always used, the whisky he hid in my filing cabinet, the sexy underwear in my locked drawer, and goodness knew what else. I needed to erase all evidence of Robert from my life, to hide our relationship from the police. I had to protect my family from further hurt and betrayal. After all, it was my responsibility as Zoe’s mother never to let her out of my sight and, having made the mistake once, when she was returned to me I would not make it again. I could not have Zoe come home and find out my dark secrets. Of course Robert wasn’t involved in Zoe’s disappearance because I had been with him on Friday night, so there was no harm in maintaining the lie that I had been here, at home, instead of taking advantage of a student half my age in sexy, black-lace lingerie.

  I looked at Carter. ‘I need to go to my office to check that message.’

  ‘I’ll get someone to run you over there.’

  I glanced downwards. ‘Can’t I drive myself?’

  ‘Well, as I say, your safety is our concern.’

  I tensed. ‘Fine. I’ll be ready in five minutes or so.’

  ‘Frey, you’re going to the office today?’ Stephen’s forehead creased. ‘Our daughter is missing and you can focus on work?’

  ‘I’m not going to work, I’m going to check that message to see if it’s Zoe.’ I knew that wasn’t the only reason I was going, though. I guess Stephen knew me better than I thought, after all. ‘I might as well pick up some reading for next week’s lecture while I’m there. I need to do something with myself,’ I said, tears brimming. ‘Otherwise I think I will go mad.’

  I excused myself and made my way upstairs, Stephen watching my every step as I left the room. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. It was crazy. I could just tell Stephen everything, but wasn’t my family going through enough? I didn’t need to bring any more to our door. Our focus was Zoe: not me, not my relationship with Robert. But there was no point rocking the boat unnecessarily. I imagined the police finding out about me and Robert, telling Stephen; the thought was unbearable and I knew with a greater level of certainty than ever before that I needed to remove all evidence of Robert’s existence from my life.