F*ck Feelings
Page 36
Here’s where we lovingly acknowledge the other Bennett offspring, Rebecca, who has not written a book, but has done one better by carrying on the family traditions of becoming a skilled doctor and, with her amazingly good-natured husband, Aaron, having a family. We also want to thank their brood of boys, none of whom are currently old enough to look at the cover of this book, let alone read it.
The biggest thanks goes to Mona Bennett, MD, mother/wife, who is not only the head and heart of the family but this book’s spiritual adviser and unofficial third author. This book would not exist without her, period (nor would one of the authors). Her expertise—in psychiatry, poetry, rustic furniture building, small-dog wrangling, campfire songs from Camp Navarac, etc.—is too vast to be contained in any book. In short, M, we love you, and we thank you, for this and everything else.
Do we have to thank each other? That seems tacky. Never mind.
Dr. Michael Bennett:
I thank my college mentor, Professor Robert Kiely, for encouraging me to see a moral force in the magic of a work of art that, however powerful, could be constructive, destructive, or both.
I thank Joseph Conrad, who taught us that every therapist and idealist must beware his inner Kurtz.
I thank my Beth Israel hospital therapy supervisors, whose well-coached scripts helped us shrinks-in-training to respond to a patient’s deeper needs while side-stepping expected feelings and conversations: Ted and Carol Nadelson, Paul Russell, John Backman, Alicia Gavalya, Malkah Notman, and Joan Zilbach. Without being overly optimistic about treatment, they believed strongly in the value of trying to make your life better, even when it sucked and was likely to stay that way. Particular thanks to Carol, my mentor and matchmaker, who insisted that I had a book to write if I had something I really wanted to say.
I thank my old Upper Canada College buddies, Bill Johnston, George Biggar, Jim Arthur, and Brian Watson, for warm friendship, and my newer Toronto buddy Gail Robinson, who assures me that Canada is much more sensible about psychiatry than the U.S.
I thank my colleagues and friends at the old Massachusetts Mental Health Center who aided, abetted, and debated the views in this book when they ran against the prevailing culture: Jon Gudeman, Laura Rood, Steven Kingsbury, John Vara, Annette Kawecki, Robert Goisman, Dan Pershonek, Paul Riccardi, Barbara Dickey, Sondra Hellman, and Josephine Nazzaro.
I thank my patients who, by and large, give me the benefit of the doubt when I seem offensive and take it on faith that my intentions are good. Although we have taken great pains to remove any and all specific, personal information, the spirit and energy from their part of our conversations is what makes this book a dialogue.
Sarah Bennett:
Thank you to the following people I don’t know, but admire, and whose work I found especially encouraging and cathartic during the writing process: Joss Whedon, Jason Isbell, David Ortiz, Jill Soloway, Maria Bamford, Roxane Gay, Rob Delaney, and Amy Sherman-Palladino.
In addition to the family co-thanked above, extra thanks to the cousins Mitchell—Mary-Jane, Eyan, the Mitchell brothers (yes, just like on EastEnders)—my caring local family in Fort Greene, and Eilene and Bill Russell and Sherry Lee, my devoted local (unofficial) family in NH.
Thanks to these excellent friends, in order of seniority, because that seems fair: the five-ish-year club is small, because women over thirty rarely make new friends unless they have kids or join a cult. So thanks Mary Lordes and Tabitha D. Lee, and thanks again to Liz Gallagher, the rare hippie with a good sense of humor, for her generosity, positivity, and occasional futon use.
The ten-to-twenty-year club: Angela Boatwright, Lizzy Castruccio Kim (and the familia Castruccio) and Jimmy Kim, Jon Hart, Ashrita Reddy, Melissa Ragsly, S.D. Gottlieb, Simon Goetz, Ali Chenitz, Paisley Strellis, Amanda Nazario, and Kesone Phimmasone. Never did I think I’d have such long friendships with people I’d originally baited with mixtapes.
Thanks to even more friends of various vintages: Molly Templeton and Steve Shodin, Tobias Carroll, Alex Eben Meyer, Sarah Bridger, Diana Rupp, Quinn Heraty (again! Never too many times!), and Ben Strawbridge, who get their own special grouping because they haven’t just logged many friendship years but helped with this book specifically, whether they know it or not.
Amy Baker helped so much with the proposal, plus she ran a hockey league with me and has an unofficial medical degree, so she knows she’s hot shit (or at least she does now).
The twenty-plus club; i.e., those ladies with whom I survived high school: Elanor Starmer, Julia Turner, Dr. Rebecca Onion, and Dr. Cristie Ellis. I did many, many stupid things between the ages of twelve and fourteen that would have made anyone think twice about starting a friendship with me, yet these ladies did and we’ve since had the privilege of doing many stupid (and not-stupid) things together. I thank them (and their families, old and new) for their love and support in this and everything else.
For her friendship, love, and generosity, Emma Forrest is filed under “timeless.” She’s the goddess of chutzpah, the lady of the canyon, the woman who originated the phrase “Seth Green is so short that Prince uses him as a vibrator.” I love her and her family, both in the UK and in LA, and she is one of the funniest people in the world.
Maysan Haydar is the kind of friend who will never ignore your call, surprise you with tickets to see Soul Side, and load her husband and three genius, exquisite young children into a minivan to drive from Ohio to New Hampshire to visit you, and during that visit, she will bake a spinach pie, and it will be excellent. Maybe she’ll just do all that for me, along with so much more I can’t repay, which is why my last acknowledgment, to her and the thousands of Haydars everywhere, will have to do.
about the authors
DR. MICHAEL I. BENNETT, educated at both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, is a board-certified psychiatrist, a Canadian, and a Red Sox fan. While he’s worked in every aspect of his field from hospital administration to managed care, his major interest is his private practice, which he’s been running for almost thirty years. The author of F*ck Feelings with his daughter Sarah Bennett, he lives with his wife in Boston.
SARAH BENNETT has written for magazines, the Internet, television, and books. She also spent two years writing for a monthly sketch comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York. When not living by her philosophy of “will write for food,” Sarah walks her dog, watches Red Sox games, and avoids eye contact with other humans. Somehow, she lives in New Hampshire and works in New York. F*ck Feelings, written with her father, Dr. Michael I. Bennett, is her first book.
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suggested bibliography
(The following works were not cited directly in this text, but contain ideas or inspiration that informed this book.)
Michael Bennett:
Austen, Jane. Pride and Prejudice. London: Random House UK, 2014.
Burns, David. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: Plume, 1999. Revised edition.
Conrad, Joseph. Heart of Darkness. Mineola: Dover Publications, 1990. New edition.
Crews, Frederick. The Pooh Perplex. Chicago: University of Chicago Books, 1964.
Hallowell, Edward M., and John J. Ratey. Driven to Distraction. New York: Pantheon Books, 1994.
Kushner, Harold. When Bad Things Happen to Good People. New York: Knopf Doubleday, 1987.
Linehan, Marsha. Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorders. New York: The Guilford Press, 1993.
Maclean, Norman. A River Runs Through It. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1989.
Mason, Paul, a
nd Randi Kreger. Stop Walking on Eggshells. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, 1998.
Nadelson, Theodore. Trained to Kill: Soldiers at War. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 2005.
Nolen-Hoeksema, Susan. Women Who Think Too Much. New York: Holt Paperbacks, 2004. Reprint edition.
Prine, John. “Dear Abby.” Sweet Revenge. Atlantic Records SD 7274, 1973, LP.
Reiner, Carl, and Mel Brooks. The 2000 Year Old Man in the Year 2000: The Book. New York: HarperEntertainment, 1997.
Strout, Elizabeth. Olive Kitteridge. New York: Random House, 2008.
Sarah Bennett:
Aldon, Pamela, Dave Becky, Blair Beard, Louis C.K., et al. “Pregnant.” Louie. Directed by Louis C.K. Aired June 23, 2011. New York: 3 Arts Entertainment, 2011. Television broadcast.
Brosh, Allie. Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened. New York: Touchstone, 2013.
Davies, Robertson. Fifth Business. New York: Penguin Classics, 2001.
Fisher, Carrie. Wishful Drinking. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2009. Reprint edition.
Forrest, Emma. Your Voice in My Head. New York: Other Press, 2011.
Gay, Roxane. Bad Feminist. New York: HarperPerennial, 2014.
Gethard, Chris. A Bad Idea I’m About to Do: True Tales of Seriously Poor Judgment and Stunningly Awkward Adventure. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press, 2012.
Loder, Kurt, and Tina Turner: I, Tina: My Life Story. New York: William Morrow & Co., 1986.
Maria Bamford: The Special Special Special! Directed by Jordan Brady. Burbank, CA: New Wave Dynamics, 2014. DVD.
Poehler, Amy. Yes Please. New York: Dey Street Books, 2014.
Saks, Elyn. The Center Cannot Hold. New York: Hachette Books, 2008. Reprint edition.
Sheindlin, Judith. Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining: America’s Toughest Family Court Judge Speaks Out. New York: HarperPerennial, 1997. Reprint edition.
Styron, William. Darkness Visible. New York: Vintage, 1992.
Whedon, Joss, Gail Berman, Sandy Gallin, David Greenwalt, et al. “Amends.” Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Directed by Joss Whedon. Aired December 15, 1998. Beverly Hills: Mutant Enemy, 1998. Television broadcast.
index
A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.
AA, 35, 36, 38, 121
abstinence, 36
acceptance, 2, 3, 9, 32–33, 65, 107, 108, 196, 227, 305
accountability, 9
acne, 284
ADD, 27, 32
addiction:
as bottomless pit, 33
defining for yourself, 35
denial of, 35
and divorce, 170
and lost love, 206
recovery programs, 34, 36
rescuing others from, 117–24, 193–94, 254
selfishness of, 147
signs of, 34
and trauma, 228
withdrawal symptoms, 35
addiction, self-cures, 32–40
accepting your urges, 8, 32–34, 36
examples, 34–35
management, 35–37
quick diagnosis, 37–38
your script, 38–39
ADHD:
diagnosis, 276
medication, 271
adolescents:
alcohol and drugs, 146, 226, 305
and depression, 112, 258
development stage, 268
and divorced parents, 23, 277
embarrassing boners, 198
as jerks, 127, 145–46, 261–68
life-changing conversation with, 237
lying, 70, 145–46
need for privacy, 220
overcritical parent, 132
self-destructive, 135, 225
shoplifting, 263
and treatment, 317, 339
your responsibility to, 73, 145
advertising, 41
aggression, 60, 142
aging, 196, 199
Al-Anon, 118
alcohol use:
avoiding in pregnancy, 251
and child abuse, 84, 86
denial of, 120
designated driver, 64
and divorce, 165
drunk driver, 105
by in-laws, 293
out of control, 17, 18, 58
and pain, 166
quiet, mellow drunk, 35
rescuing others from, 52, 117–24, 193
risks of, 161
and spouse abuse, 239
and suicide threats, 113
teenage, 146, 226, 305
and trauma, 228
and violence, 80
alimony, 172
Allen, Woody, 143, 159
alternatives, seeking, 53
altruism, 109–41
Ambien, 202
angel, intervention by, 104
angel-themed TV programs, 284
anger, 113, 142
child abuse as source of, 86
examples, 232–33, 317
helping others with, 254
management, 146–47, 232, 233–35, 319
at parents, 291
venting, 231–37
your script, 148–49, 237
animals, adopting strays, 137
annoyances:
accepting, 149–55
examples, 150–51
quick diagnosis, 153–54
your script, 154
anti-vaxxers, 95
anxiety, 50, 85, 156–59, 250–51, 253, 316–17, 318–19, 333
anxiety attacks, 80, 81
asking why, 17–18
Asperger’s syndrome, 230–31
assets, your wish list, 179
asshole:
communicating with, 303
dating, 17
ex as, 22–23
sounding like, 22
teenage child as, 145–46
your inner, 25
Assholes, 284–313
accepting, 234, 321
acting like, 24, 30, 268
bathing the feet of, 145
becoming, 161, 313
bosses as, 220–21; see also workplace
can’t help themselves, 234
fucked by nearest/dearest, 286–91
hanging out with, 89
inescapably annoying, 149, 231
living and working with, 308–13
lying, 297–303
parents as, 234, 291–97
personality disorders of, 285
recovery from, 287
saintly, 296–97
saving from themselves, 303–8
selfish, 147, 287
social annihilation by, 298
and therapy, 286, 342
tunnel vision of, 297
as victims, 127, 303
words for wrangling with, 303
your script, 237
Assholes Anonymous, 293
Asshole whisperers, 285
attractiveness, 178–79, 184–85, 204, 285
autism, 230–31, 271
avoidance, 26, 57, 78, 84–85, 239, 242
baby:
breastfeeding, 249–50, 251
constant attention needed by, 251
examples, 249–50
not ruining, 247–55
quick diagnosis, 253–54
your script, 254
background checks, 127; see also due diligence
bail, setting, 246
bang per buck, 139
barfing, constant, 29
bar mitzvahs, 121
baseball, hope springs eternal in, 105, 208
bear:
angry, 262
being attacked by, 155
megabear reflex, 158–59
trained, 192
>
Beauty and the Beast, 192
becoming a more positive person, 20–25
examples, 22–23
making you more nasty, 26
management of, 23–24
nasty signs, 22
quick diagnosis, 24–25
seeking positive friends, 24
your script, 25
becoming decently demonic, 21
behavior management, 272
being a decent person, 36
Bergman, Ingmar, 159
Berra, Yogi, 209
bickering, 234, 257
Bill of Rights, 312
biofeedback, 159
bipolarity, 64
birth control, 198, 246
blame:
assigning, 32, 78, 116, 291, 313
assuming, 111
avoiding, 78, 242
protection from, 72, 294, 303
blowback, 306
Bochco, Steven, 300
Bogdanovich, Peter, 39
bonding, 144
boner, random, 198
borderlines, 209, 213–14, 285
brain:
anxious, 157
badly wired, 27
as body’s junk drawer, 318
damage to, 334
growing and maturing, 72
learning by doing, 259
programmed before birth, 18
protectiveness of, 158–59
and stress, 223
in turmoil, 230
weird, 8, 30
you’re not to blame for, 28
Bravo (TV network), 285
breastfeeding, 249–50, 251
bullies, standing up to, 55–62
bullshitter, becoming better, 52
burden, bearing, 157
burnout, 69
Byrne, Rhonda, The Secret, 14–15
Caffe Luna (R.I.P.), 39
canary, enchanted, 125
caregivers, 36–37
carrier pigeon, 83, 198
cat, as companion, 48
catharsis, 101–4, 321
cattle prod, 303
changing others, 109, 231
chaos:
classifications of, 12
slipping into, 10
charisma, 217
charity, 135–41
examples, 136–37
quick diagnosis, 138–39
your script, 139–40