The problem is that this will hurt Brianna. Ryan could break it now and even if it says it is for me, she’s not stupid. She will notice.
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
115
She will not see it when speaking alone watching me, and that never happens. She would know. What will be happy then? I think not. The problem is that I want to be with him, but no way to do it without hurting her, and right now Brianna is walking down my front steps, blinking hard, his eyes red and swollen even as tears spilled down her face. Brianna does not cry much, but it does when things are bad parents. And now she’s here, and I know that something happened to them. I know you need a friend. I know I need. I have to go - - - tell Ryan. No … do not do anything yet. Brianna is here, and sad. I have to talk to her. - Do your parents? - he said, and felt a little twinge, because he knows her very well. - I’m pretty sure. Hope - - it is well said, then paused for a second -. But Sarah, still … I have to talk to her. I know with whom I want to be, and not her. I pressed the phone so loud that I felt it digging into my hand, and I only had time to whisper. - Ryan … Before the bell rang and had to hang up. I had to do because if he did, would explode. I’m trapped in a huge mess which I do not know how to get out. I want Ryan, but I will not Brianna. I opened the door. Maybe everything can actually work. People have gone to the moon and curing diseases and finding ways to inject cream into snack cakes. But these things are not related to love. Or you have to open the door to your best friend, who is crying, and know that you love, you want to be there for her, but also did something that will mourn.
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
116
TRANSLATED BY: ANDRE_G Edited by: Mau
After seeing my dad - Brianna says, we are standing in the front hall, she is crying so hard that the words come out choppy. - What happened? - I say, Mom leaves the kitchen, his prescription pad in hand, distracted look on his face. Which vanishes as soon as he sees Brianna. - Brianna, honey what’s wrong? - she says, and walks to Brianna and hugs her mom. Is high enough to have to bow my head to rest on the shoulder of mom, but she does and mom looks at me. His eyes are wide but not surprised. Sadly. She knows, just like I do, that there is only one thing that can bankrupt Brianna in this way. Brianna let out a long breath, trembling, weeping subsided, but still lying on mom’s shoulder. I do not understand - - - she says. Why do I want? Brianna - Oh, they do - Mom says, giving her a quick hug -. It’s just that you are so angry at each other that you stay trapped in it. - You think so?
-A
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
117
Absolutely — Mom says, and hesitates look at me, uneasily. Both know they’re lying. And we both know you have to do because the truth is too horrible to say.- Thanks-Brianna says, away from mom, and the look on her face, she also knows that is a lie -. Sorry I cried over. Mom shakes her head.- Do not apologize for that. You know you’re always welcome here, but today I’m afraid you can get Sarah’s cold.- Oh, yes, that-Brianna says, taking a step away from mom, standing in the way you normally do, confident and smiling, with eyes still bright even - dyed red. How are you?- She was just lying in the room talking to someone on the phone when you arrived- - mom says. Who was Sarah Bear?- I was not talking on the phone-I say. I hate to lie to mom but right now I have to.- But - hear … Mom says, and stops, his expression pensive for a moment -. Well, I thought I heard you talking. But I guess it was television. She looks - - Brianna. You know how I get when I’m working on a recipe. The things I go in one ear and out the other. “I can bring something to drink or eat? Brianna shakes her head and looks at me. I know that look, the look of it - - we speak, and then say: - Mom, let’s go right? Mom nods and returns to pat the arm of Brianna. It gives me a look, a quick, when he goes into the kitchen, and I can say that she knows that I was on the phone. The only thing I can not say is if you know who. When we got to my room, Brianna said: - I was surprised that I called this morning. I even … I really got a little upset. But now I had not done for these sick and I … I’m sorry, Sarah.
Okay — I say, walking into my bedroom and sitting on my bed still not made. Now if I feel sick, because Brianna is clearly upset and still is being kind to me
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
118
saying you’re sorry and feeling my forehead with the back of his hand, as does mom when checking if I have a fever. You do not feel hot - - - she said. Not that I really know what I’m doing. You want some water or something else? I shake my head but she brings something anyway, and I think what Ryan said, speaking with her tonight, that’s going to end, and how I began to think he and I being together. Do not think about it at all. Although now I can do. Brianna - - say when she returned, bringing me water and then puts it on the nightstand -. What was it that happened? - I … I went to see Dad at work - - she said. I skipped the last period to go but he was busy, of course, as it always is, so I had to wait. I felt so stupid to be sitting there, but then I was finally able to return to his office. And when I did, he said he was surprised to see me and I said: What, you’re not surprised and happy?, And he said … said … - she stops and looks down at his hands, fists gripping in -. He said he had finished - says finally, the words came in a sob, and at first I thought I had misheard. - What Done? - Yes He said he had done with me. Going to make some kind of final agreement or something with Mom. He will give her everything she wants and more in response to his promise that the whole issue of custody, and that was how he said it, (the matter of custody), as if I was not even a person … is over. And I thought … I thought that was really good. She sniffs. - Even I said it. I said, “Then will be over, and we can see each other all the time. ? Even started to talk about his new department and how much he wished he could have seen him when he got but it would be great to see him now, and he looked at me. Just looked at me … do not know. And then he said “NO” - is not it?
- Yes- - “she said. It’s that simple. Said-No. I can not keep doing this. The fights in court, the games of the visits, I can not do anything about it. ? and I said: “True, and now will be over ? and he said: “Yes, and when
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
119
‘re older, maybe we meet again, but now when I see you or your mother, I realize that my life … ? she squeezes - hands into fists and pressed over his eyes -. He said he did his life was toxic. The envenenábamos. That was what he said “I realize that my life is toxic ? and I said,” But this is mom, not me ? and he said: “Sorry, I can not help it. When I see you, I see it, and everything feels poisoned - ? she starts to laugh, but not at all a laugh, is a strong and loud sound of anger. Pain. - Although he did say he was sorry - she says, her voice breaking. - spiteful. He told me he is doing everything necessary to get rid of me, but hey, he feels, and maybe I see in some years. - I really could not have said seriously. - I did. He’s gone. Like, gone forever. And he’s my dad! How can you leave me this way? I embrace it because there’s nothing I can say. No answer to your question. It is one that should not even be asked. But Brianna should. She should ask. And the injustice of the response you get … What words could ever get to make things better?
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
120
TRANSLATED BY: flochi Edited by: Mau
restructuring that he will contact me again? - Brianna said after a while, her tears falling. - - I … I began, but she interrupted me. - No, wait, do not answer that. Let’s face it, we both know what is the answer. - He will not lie on my bed and grab my phone. - Are you calling? - I said, wondering what will happen if she does. She shakes her head, marking, and then puts the phone under his ear. - Hey, Ryan - his voice cracks as he says his name, then you are telling what happened and then crying again,
sobbing so hard that it begins to choke, then pull the phone and says -: Talk to him, Sarah. Tell the rest. - - Brianna … I can not talk to Ryan now. I do not want to be in the place where I am, where I feel so bad for her I hate what I did, I hate myself and want to pretend it all away, but is still crying so hard, he says: - For favor. I can not … I do not want to have the final again. Pick up the phone.
- What Brianna?- - Ryan said. Brianna, are you there?
- C
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
121
- No-I say, my voice is shaking -. I’m Sarah. Brianna can not … she can not talk right now. He is really upset.- What is wrong with your dad?- Ryan said, sounding worried, and I know he is. He cares, he’s kind, this is one of the things I love about it, that … That I love him. No, wait, I can not love him, not now, not so, but … But I do.- Sarah?- he says, and I can say that this is hurting him, he feels bad for Brianna but I want to me. It has a bright soul. And I …if you could see me now would be a stain on it, it would be nothing but a dark mist because I know it’s good to be concerned about Brianna, he is nice, but I want you to worry about me, just me. It’s terrible. That’s the only word for it, for me, yet I still want us to be just him and me. I want that, but things are not simple and no-just him and me ?. There is a he, me and Brianna. Sarah - - - says Ryan again. Yes - - want … Let me say once, just once, because I want to, I wanted, and I know Ryan does too, make things better. And it is much worse. - hand it to me, I can talk now - Brianna says, surprised, and then moved toward me to hand the phone. I give it, and says: - Sarah is just being protective. I’m fine, really. Well, mostly. The look and stares back at me, smiling his smile easy, every day, the smile of Brianna. Although not reaching his eyes. - No, I … need to be alone tonight - - she says. You do not have to come. No, seriously, please. In addition, we will leave tomorrow. So we will be in school, right? Chau.
Hang up the phone, passing me and says: - I know I said I could not speak, but looked so extremely intense and seriously do not want to talk, what it should do, remember? So I worried that you were twitching, and no
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
122
You can do that with the kids, I mean, look at my dad. He would rather not see me ever again endure the crap out of mom. And that’s not going to happen with Ryan. Drink. - not the kind of guy who gets upset because you are suffering. - Do you know him like me. - I’ve known him forever, Brianna. Both do, remember? Frowns. - Okay, I do. What is wrong with you? I’m the one whose father is a total idiot, remember? - she sighs and lies down on the bed, flipping through my magazines -. I can not … no need to talk about it or think about it, okay? I … you’re right - - - say. Things have been a bit intense. - I take a deep breath. I will. I’ll do I know I should, and tell him everything. I will say that I like Ryan. I’ll tell him I kissed him. I’ll tell you that I know is her boyfriend and I’ll do anything, anything, to compensate. - I … the thing is, I … - O - understand what she says, sitting back and smiling a little -. I knew you were acting weird down, and now I know why. What? How? I just wanted to tell, but now … I’m terrified. - You … you understand? Well, Brianna, I know … Greg - called you, right? - - she says. Your mother said you were on the phone, after all. Well, I know you know about … what happened between him and me but it’s nothing, I swear, if you want to date him, you should. Just be careful. That is, he is always telling me that still loves me, but that’s … just talk. It’s impressive that you called. He leans against me, his shoulder touching mine. - I can even call him tonight, if you want. Do you want to do that? - Do you want to call it? - Security. I mean, you, of course I will. - He leans over and picks up a magazine, begins to leaf through it almost too casual -. Well, who could lead a skirt like this? Makes the model (you know it is tiny) look like Cadences-zilla. Mira. Do not do it? I pretended I looked at the picture but Brianna’s hands holding the journal. I know I know, but I can not … I can not be right. No?
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
123
She loves Ryan so much that Ryan is terrified of breaking with it. She can not love Greg too. You have to call - - - say. I was just watching TV. There was on the phone. - Seriously? Relief. Hear relief in his voice. I cross my hands, amazed. - Brianna, what you … you like Greg? She laughs. - You’re crazy, you know? I’m dating Ryan, remember? I hope that says he loves me soon. I guess that is waiting to officially be eight weeks, but would like him to do now. I want to hear. Magazine apart, bend his back and looks up at the ceiling. - Ugh, do not want to go home and have to deal with mom, but if I do, you are done. Tomorrow you will go to school, right? No, do not answer that. Going to go. You have to go. She looks at me. - I’m so confident that Greg called you, but I know if I call, refuse to call you just to tease me. But if it stays very close to you tomorrow, I know you’ve been keeping a secret - croons the last word and then gets up and gives me a quick hug. - Remember what I said about him, okay? - says, and then she goes away I realize she never really answered my question. He never said whether or not he liked Greg. Maybe she does. Maybe Greg is what she really wants. But I know he is not. I know because she told me something. He said he hoped soon to tell Ryan that he loves.
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
124
TRANSLATED BY: Sheilita Belikov Edited by: Mau
Dad says S o - - morning. How do you feel?
We are sitting on the kitchen table, both with breakfast. Best - - say, although I’m not. Ryan did not want to call last night, wanted him to call me. He did not and I was happy and sad and confused … actually sometimes I feel like two people. One of them wants that Brianna is good because she is my best friend and her parents hate how they hurt. The other wants her to be good for Ryan to tell him it’s over. No, I’m definitely feeling better. Only divided into two, and I can not get together again. Mom calls me when I go to the front door. - Sarah, is everything fine with Brianna? - I think so. I mean, as much as she can be. - And you … are you okay?
- I swear I’m feeling better. Mom.
-E
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
125
- not that … yesterday, you were on the phone, Sarah. I could hear that you were talking about, but it was pretty obvious who it was. I stare at her. She knows. He puts a hand on my arm, her eyesfull of concern. - Do you know what you’re doing, Sarah?- No-I say, and to my surprise, she hugs me.Beware — she says, then kisses me on the cheek. Says:- Brianna is here. Way out slowly. When Brianna and I go, I see my mom in the kitchen with dad, the two sitting together at the kitchen table, talking. They look so happy.- Do you think we’re all going to end up like our parents?- asked.- No-Brianna says, her voice sharp, surprised, and after a moment - says: “I … I act like her? His hands are tight on the wheel and carefully I deny my head, saying:- That was a stupid question. Just thinking about my mom and her cooking and stuff.- You can not cook at all-Brianna says, her hands relaxinga little. - She smiles. Hey, grab my bag and use the brush inside to fix your hair because it’s a little everywhere at this time. I do, thinking about what I said. Brianna is not like your mother. Not really. She takes care of me, well, sometimes says things that hurt me, but her mother just wants to think Brianna is nothing. Brianna wither me from that. I - - … thanks for yesterday says as we enter the parking -. For hearing about my dad and all that. It was … you were great, as always. Mom was … well, you can imagine how I was. - Is it so wrong?
- Yes She was so happy. Is getting what he wants, and he said he can call in any way that makes you happy as long as
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
PURPLE ROSE FORUM
126
understand you have to pay for me. She did not say anything about … he did not want to see me again. - That… - even
if your mother, that’s bad -. Sorry. - - If she says, then shakes his head -. Come on, okay? - - course I say, and while walking to school, I wish to make their parents stop being so stupid. I want to stop seeing it as one thing. I want to be parents who are supposed to be. - - Do not, she says, as we head down the hall. - Do not do what? Worrying - - she says, clutching one of my hands gently -. I’m fine, really Mom I can handle. And it’s not as if Dad was a lot of time around anyway. - still sucks. He shrugs, then smiles. - - I have you she waves her hand to Ryan, who is standing down the hall, watching us. - And him. What else do I need? Me - - Greg says, coming to our side. He puts his arm around me as she smiles to Brianna, who smiles back but continue to go to Ryan. I pause. I can not go. Not Ryan. Not now. So - - - Greg says, what you doing tonight? I look at him. He is crazy about Brianna, I know, and I know what this is. - I do not know what to do, but I know that Brianna has plans and if you’re waiting to see … Greg, she has a boyfriend. And though they knew where to go, not tell. - I know you will not, but she did - - he says. You’ll see. I know how she is. I like games, me too. That’s why we’re perfect for each other. Tell him I said that when she asked for me She’s not going - - ask say, but he’s right. She asks. Approached me between classes and says: What did Greg - they were talking about earlier?
The Unwritten Rule Page 10