From Your Heart

by Shannyn Schroeder

  She took a cab back to the reception partly because she didn’t want to deal with traffic and parking and partly because if this conversation with Kevin went as planned, she didn’t want them to have two cars. He’d come home with her. When the driver pulled up in front of the building, Kathy sat for a moment.

  “This is it.”

  “I know. Sorry. Nerves.” She paid the driver and pulled the door handle. She walked through the front door again and saw the reception as a guest would. The room took on a different glow than it had when she’d been setting up. She held her clutch tightly in her palm and looked around the room. Most of the guests were already gone. Mayor Park was shaking hands with someone off to the side. The party was definitely winding down.

  She decided to wait at the bar for Kevin to find her. If he didn’t show in a little while, she’d text him to let him know she was here. She sat on a stool and ordered a glass of wine. Then she mentally rehearsed what she needed to say. Again. The rehearsal filled her mind so much that she didn’t notice Kevin beside her until he touched her back.

  “You look beautiful.”

  Her heart squeezed at his words, and her blood raced at his touch. She wished she could just turn and kiss him and allow that to be enough. To turn back time and pretend the last week didn’t exist.

  “Thank you. How was the reception?”

  “Same as always. Lots of talking.”

  “You’re good at that.” She shifted on her stool. “Do you want to order a drink?”

  He shook his head. “I’ve had enough.”

  “Can we get something more private? A table maybe?”

  “Absolutely.” He held a hand out and waited for her to stand. When she walked past him he placed his hand on the small of her back as he always did. It felt natural, right.

  As they passed the mayor, Kevin said good-bye, and they sat at a quiet corner table. She set her wineglass down and toyed with the stem as her well-practiced words fled her mind. “Thank you for agreeing to talk with me.”

  He placed a hand over hers and waited until she raised her gaze to meet his. “I was a little surprised you asked,” he said. “I came here early tonight as a test. I needed to see for myself if we were really done.”

  She swallowed hard. “I thought I wanted to be.” She shook her head. “No, that’s not right. I thought I needed to be. But I couldn’t. I’ve been miserable.”

  “Me too.” He picked up her hand and stroked his thumb over the back.

  “I wish I could just pretend none of that happened.”

  “We can’t.” He spoke sharply and she knew he was angry, even though he hadn’t yet shown any sign of it.

  “I know.”

  “What changed?”

  “Huh?”

  “What changed since last week? Why do you want to talk to me now when you wouldn’t then?”

  “I couldn’t talk to you then. I knew what would happen. You’d use your charm and your kisses to convince me to ignore how I felt. And I’d let you.”

  He slipped his hand away from hers. “So you pushed me away instead. What the hell sense does that make?”

  “None, really. I wasn’t being fair to either of us. I was upset after a fight with my mother. I saw you with Marnie and my initial thought was that you were cheating on me.”

  His eyes flashed with anger and he opened his mouth, but she stopped him with a raised hand. “I know nothing was happening there. Even after I stepped back and realized that, there was something fundamentally wrong. Don’t you see? I want to trust you and believe you won’t cheat, but the first time I saw you alone with a woman, that was my instinct. That wasn’t fair to you. What does that say about our relationship?”

  His shoulders slumped a little, and he rubbed a hand over his face. “What are you getting at?”

  She took a sip of wine and then twirled the base of the glass as she tried to formulate her words. “My mom came to see me. Actually, she called and I yelled at her and I was mean and nasty. At least more than I have been at any point in my life. I thought she’d disown me. Instead, she came to my apartment.”

  Picking up the glass, she finished her wine and looked directly at Kevin. “It was the first time in my life that I not only talked back to my mother, but also that I felt that she wasn’t going to just walk away. I know it probably sounds stupid to someone like you, but I grew up feeling like I might lose them.”

  “What do you mean, someone like me?”

  She waved a hand in the air. “You O’Malleys. You’re all assholes to each other. Fighting and yelling and yet, no matter what, you have each other’s backs in an instant.” Her throat got tight and her eyes burned. “I’ve never felt that. I know logically that my mother loves me. I know that I’d have to do something really, really horrendous for her to completely drop out of my life, and yet, I still feel the need to not rock the boat.”

  “Until last weekend.”

  Kathy nodded. “She expected me to go to some stupid engagement party, but we were supposed to go away together. That’s what started it. It snowballed from there, but the short of it is that my mother pointed out that it’s my choice whether or not I trust you. I can’t control those immediate feelings of jealousy and fear and insecurity.”

  “Kathy, I won’t cheat on you. There’s no one else I want.”

  “I get that. You’ve done everything possible to show me that I can trust you. It’s going to take time. But my mom’s point was that instead of confronting you, I did the same thing I did five years ago. I ran. I didn’t fight.”

  “Your mom told you to fight with me?”

  Kathy laughed. “Actually she offered a number of suggestions ranging from throwing a drink in your face to slapping the other woman.”

  Kevin burst into laughter.

  “What is so funny?”

  He reached for her hand again. “Sweetheart, you are not the drink-throwing, face-slapping type.”

  She tugged her hand back. “Maybe it’s time I become one.”

  A sly smile crossed his face. “Are you saying you want to fight?”

  “It’s about time I learned to fight for something.”

  “It’ll get tiresome. My job puts me in the company of a lot of women. Are you planning on slapping them all? The bail fees might get exorbitant.”

  “This isn’t a joke.”

  “Who’s laughing?” He stood and moved so he sat beside her. He put an arm on the back of her chair. “I love you, Kathy. But neither of us wants to be in a relationship where we’re doing nothing but fighting. Your mom is right in that you have to make the choice to trust me. Part of that just has to be faith.”

  “Are you saying that you don’t think we can work?” Her eyes filled again. She’d held out all her hope on this one conversation to fix everything.

  “Of course I’m not saying that.” He cradled her cheek. “You don’t need to beat back other women to be with me. You just have to be willing to fight me. Tell me when you’re feeling insecure or scared or pissed off. Be brave enough to tell me that. Be strong enough to take it when I fight back. Be sure enough to know that I’m not going anywhere.”

  “How?”

  “That’s where faith comes in. You have to be willing to take that leap. Regardless of how scary it is.”

  Could she do that? Suddenly, all of the thinking and prep work she’d done for days for this conversation didn’t matter because Kevin didn’t think she was up for this. She saw it in his eyes.

  He stroked her cheek again, and she leaned into his touch.

  “We both deserve something better than a relationship where there is no trust. That trust has to go both ways. I have to trust that you’ll come to me, no matter how bad things seem. Right now, all you want to do is run away. I get it. That’s your defense mechanism. But if I’m willing to open every part of me to give you whatever you need, you have to be willing to do the same.” He slipped away from the table and stood. “As much as I want to take you home right now and spend
the night with you, you were right about that too. It would be easy. And I don’t think you’re ready to give me what I need.”

  Then he turned and left her staring at him. Just when she didn’t think her heart could break any more, it did.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Walking away from Kathy at that moment was the hardest thing Kevin had ever done in his life. But he couldn’t continue on with the constant push and pull that they’d been doing. If he was going to be all in with this relationship, she needed to be too. And not just to say it, but to really believe it and live it. He shoved through the doors and walked to his car. By the time he stuck the key in the ignition, his hands were shaking.

  Fuck, he wanted a drink.

  He’d stayed sober all night because he wanted a clear head to talk to Kathy. Now he was regretting that decision. He no longer wanted to think straight or feel anything. Oblivion was starting to sound pretty damn good. Because he just walked away from the best thing he had. He’d needed to. It was the right decision and nothing told him that more than her reaction to what he’d said.

  She let him go.

  Not even a word of protest. She wasn’t ready to fight for them. Or fight with him. No matter what she’d said. The words sounded great, but like she said, when you’re a person who’s good with words, they don’t carry much weight.

  He started the engine and drove to his apartment. He and Kathy needed more space. She needed to figure out what she really wanted, what she was willing to put out there. He’d hoped that the past week apart had been enough. It was killing him to not be with her.

  By the time he got into his apartment, his thirst for alcohol had waned, but he popped the cap off a bottle of beer anyway. What he wanted to do was call Kathy and go to her, but this time, it was her move. She needed to decide if she was really in this relationship, if she was ready to put the work in.

  Just as he raised the bottle to his lips, there was a knock at his door. He went to answer, confused as to who would show up at his apartment. He hadn’t expected to see Kathy standing there looking pissed off.

  “That was a shitty thing to do,” she said as she pushed past him and entered his apartment without invitation.

  She must’ve taken his stunned silence as permission to continue. She turned on him, pointed, opened her mouth, and then stopped. She took a deep breath and crossed her arms.

  Damn. She was shutting down again. That was too bad because she looked damn good with some fire in her.

  “You came all the way over here to yell at me and now you’re not going to do it?” he said.

  “I didn’t come to yell.”

  He answered with a raised brow. He knew a pissed-off woman when he saw one.

  “Yes, I’m angry. Talking to you tonight was hard for me, and you acted like it was nothing. I know I screwed up and I want to fix it. I tried to tell you and I feel like you dismissed that.” Tears welled up in her eyes.

  He didn’t care anymore about pushing her or waiting to see if she was ready. She was here, and so he pulled her into his arms and held her. “I wasn’t dismissing you. I want you to want this as much as I do. I need you to be pissed off at me and fight with me when you are instead of shutting down and holding it in. ’Cause, let’s face it. I’m gonna do a whole lotta shit to piss you off. It’s in my nature. If you can’t let me have it now and then, we’ll never survive.”

  Her shoulders shook with her laughter. “I’m trying. I am. I don’t know how to do that.”

  “What?”

  She eased back and looked up at him. “Fight.”

  “Come on. Everyone knows how to fight.”

  She shook her head. “Nope. I’ve always been too afraid. Every time I’ve ever had a boyfriend, and things got rough, we broke up. That was it. The end.”

  “You sure you’re best friends with Moira? Because I’ve seen the O’Learys fight. They’re not as rowdy as the O’Malleys, but they get into it.”

  “I’m not stupid. I know people fight. I’ve seen it happen, and it makes me uncomfortable. I usually leave.”

  He thought about that. Every time he and his brothers had gotten into something, even if it was playful, Kathy had made herself scarce. “You can do your best or your worst and you won’t scare me away.”

  She paused before offering a quick nod. “Okay.”

  He held her upper arms and pushed her gently back from his embrace. “So let me have it.”

  “What?”

  “You came in here pissed off, saying it was a shitty thing to do.” He held his hands out for her to continue, but he also saw she had no steam left.

  But she straightened her shoulders and stiffened her spine. “You’re an asshole. I asked if we could talk, and you made it sound like we had a chance, you gave me hope. When I said I wanted to learn to fight for us, you laughed.”

  “I didn’t—”

  Her hand flicked up. “Don’t interrupt me. You absolutely did laugh at me. You thought I was being cute when all I did was try to make a point. That hurt.”

  Fuck. Her point struck home. He had done that to her. And worse, he was doing it again. He stood there, thinking about how cute it was that she was going to fight, and her words actually carried weight and meaning.

  He set his beer on the table beside them and reached for her. He held her head, threading his fingers through her curls, and kissed her. “I’m a fucking asshole.”

  “Yeah, you are, but why are you copping to it so easily?”

  He rested his forehead against hers. “I pushed you like I needed you to prove something to me, as if I needed to teach you something, and in one quick sentence, you showed me. I asked you to fight with me, to tell me when you were feeling insecure or upset. And then I treated your concerns like they were cute. I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t like this,” she whispered. “Fighting.”

  “It’s not like we do it all the time.”

  “My parents did.”

  “But they didn’t belong together. You know that. Did they ever love each other?”

  She lifted her shoulders. “I didn’t bother asking my mom. I’m not sure I want the answer.”

  “I know the answer here. We belong together.” His fingers skimmed down her arms. “Can you spend the night?”

  She nodded. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Not nearly as much as I’ve missed you.”

  He knew things weren’t perfect, but they’d figure it out. They were definitely on the right path.

  * * *

  Kathy had no idea how she’d been roped into going to a hockey game and then out for drinks with the O’Malley family on a Sunday afternoon, but that’s where she found herself a week later. She and Kevin watched Tommy, Sean, and Kai on the ice and cheered with Norah, Deirdre, and Emma in the stands. Her life felt balanced and normal. She and Kevin were happy and working.

  And she’d found herself surrounded by a whole new family who accepted her.

  She and Kevin still didn’t see each other as often as she’d like, which was part of why she was sitting at McGinty’s drinking with a bunch of hockey players at four in the afternoon, but they were working on it. Kevin had brought up the idea of them moving in together a couple of times. She thought it was a little too early yet, but the thought no longer scared the crap out of her. The idea of settling down with Kevin was beginning to feel like it was where she belonged, and that made her happy.

  She sipped on a margarita because the bartender looked at her like she was crazy for asking for a cosmo. Judging by the amount of tequila burning her throat, she shouldn’t have asked for a margarita either. Kevin was on his second beer and he was in party mode. She hadn’t seen him like this in a long time. He’d shaken off all vestiges of city-hall, suit-wearing Kevin, and he was just another loud-mouthed, cursing O’Malley.

  He wasn’t vulgar or disrespectful, just different. She’d forgotten this side of him. The side that needed to let loose. He moved from one group of people to the next. At tables,
at the bar, it didn’t matter. He spoke with everyone. When he was like this, she could see him being a politician. He was good at charming everyone.

  Kathy sat by herself. She’d talked with players’ wives and girlfriends, but she was talked out. She didn’t know how Kevin did this. He never ran out of things to say. Kevin came by, kissed the side of her head, and asked, “Need another drink?”

  “No, this one isn’t all that good. I think I’m going to head out.”

  “Come on, let’s stay for a while. We haven’t been out like this in a long time. Not just for fun. No work, or networking, or responsibility.”

  He was right, but she wasn’t having much fun. “You can stay.” They’d come in separate cars, but had planned on going home together.

  “No. Stay and we’ll leave together. A half hour.” He offered a broad smile and wiggled his eyebrows at her. His charm always worked on her and he knew it.

  “Thirty minutes for real,” she said.

  “Yep.”

  Then he was gone again. Kathy turned her drink in circles and played with the condensation dripping on the glass. Kevin was having a good time, and she didn’t want to ruin his fun, but that’s what she felt like she was doing.

  “Hi. Is it okay if I sit here?” one of the hockey players asked.

  She looked up. His dark hair was artfully messy and he was built much like Kevin’s brother Sean—long and lean.

  “Sure,” she said.

  “I’m Craig,” he said with an extended hand.

  She shook his hand. “Kathy.”

  “I don’t think I’ve seen you at a game before.”

  “This was my first one.”

  “Who do you know on the team?”

  “Sean and Tommy O’Malley. Their older brother Kevin is my boyfriend.” She checked the time on her phone.