Trust

by A M Raulerson

  “‘You can leave.’ He told the pimp, who turned and left without another word. “‘You are not to speak. I don’t want to hear a word out of you, do you understand?’ The man didn’t know I didn’t speak, but I nodded anyway. I didn’t want him to tell the pimp I was bad.

  “‘Good, now turn around. Bend over and spread your cheeks, boy!’ I did as he told me as quickly as I could. “‘Well you're not a virgin, but I wasn’t really expecting one. Turn back around!’ I did as he said, but no sooner had I turned, then he was slapping me. Knocking me onto the floor and leaving my ears ringing. Shaking my head, I stood back up. It didn’t matter what one of those men did to me, I had to take it or the pimp would be mad.

  “‘Well at least you're an obedient thing. Better than some of the others at least.’ He said, slapping me to the ground again. I guess he enjoyed this game. I have no idea how many times he slapped and punched me to the ground. His cock was out and he was pumping it up and down. Knowing I was expected to stand up again each time, I did my best, but with his last punch to my gut I was feeling even sicker than before, barely able to stand up.

  “‘Come closer boy, I know you know what to do with this.’ As I stepped closer he grabbed one of my ears and shoved my head down on his cock. I tried to pull back, a little scared I was going to throw up, but he wouldn’t let me go. He grabbed my other ear too, he started thrusting up into my mouth hard. There wasn’t anything I could do, I couldn’t stop the vomit from coming up, but I somehow managed to get my head up. He must have let my head go, cause I wasn’t strong enough to get away on my own. I managed not to throw up on him, but it was a near miss.

  “‘You stupid little shit! Well, if I can’t use that hole, I’ll use the other!’ He snatched me up by my hair again, throwing me across the arm of the couch. I was on my stomach, with my head far enough over that I thought I might throw up again.

  “Now, I’d been fucked before, but those men had usually prepared me enough so it was easier on me. It always hurt, but this was agony! I’d heard the lube cap open up, but he didn’t use any on me, just lubed his dick a little and shoved his way in me. I was screaming, trying to get away from him, but he’d grabbed my hair again and pinned me to the couch with his body.

  “‘It’s a good thing this room is sound proofed, boy! N o one can hear you scream.’ He was laughing at me. I hurt so bad that I just tried to go to that place I usually go, the place I could pretend this wasn’t happening. I hurt so bad all I could do was scream and beg him to stop.

  “‘I told you not to speak yo u little shit. Shut up and take it, it's all you're good for anyway.” He started slapping me again, anywhere he could reach. Soon, slapping wasn’t enough and he began punching me, fucking into me the whole time. I finally passed out, but it wasn’t soon enough for me. I’d never hurt so bad in my short miserable life.

  “When I woke up I was still lying across the arm of the couch, moaning softly with the pain and wishing I’d never woken up at all. The pimp was back though, pulling a big rolling suitcase behind him.

  “‘Dude! I knew you wanted rough, that’s why I brought the suitcase, but this is more than you paid for. He won’t be any good to work for a long time!’ I knew the pimp wasn’t complaining on my account. He was thinking of the money I wouldn’t be making him.

  “‘Fuck you! I got what I paid for. The damage is you're problem. You got paid, now get out!’ The smile on his face proving he really didn’t care.

  “Grumbling to himself the pimp wheeled the suitcase over to the couch. Lifting me up and throwing me into it and telling me to shut up as I screamed in pain. It was almost more than I could bear, but I knew it would be worse if I didn’t do as he said. I tried again to go into that protective place, where I could be silent and ignore the pain. I couldn’t quite get there, but I was able to at least stay quiet. I remember being wheeled out, going down in the elevator, hearing people all around me, and knowing none of them would be able to help me.”

  As Justin finishes telling us his memory, he goes quiet again, whispering the end with a sound of defeat and agony. Like he thinks we aren't going to help him either.

  “Baby, that isn’t your fault. None of it. Being treated like that, especially as young as you were, just shows how depraved that man was, how greedy that pimp was to give you to him in the first place. Justin, look at me.”

  Slowly, he lifts his head, not really meeting my eyes, but trying to. “Would you do that to anyone? Would you give a child to a man you knew was going to hurt him?” The shocked look on his face says it all. Justin needs to realize that what happened to him is just as abhorrent as the idea that he would do it to someone else. “I know you wouldn’t. What happened to you is not your fault. Just like you would never do it to anyone. No one should ever have done it to you. Don’t you see?” Justin’s quiet again, but I can tell he’s trying to understand what I’m telling him. He slowly relaxes into my chest. The trembling slows as he tries to put what happened into the perspective I’m giving him.

  “No child should ever have to go through what you did. But no matter what the perverts that touched you, or the pimp that sold you, ever told you…baby, there is nothing you could have done to stop it. And you certainly didn’t cause it because you were ‘bad’ or ‘stupid’. No matter what they told you, it wasn’t your fault.” Justin lay across my chest, with Charlie snuggling up behind him. I feel the tears still falling down Justin’s face as he snuggles into my chest.

  With a sigh that seems to come f rom way down deep in Justin’s chest, the tension flees his body. I can’t believe it, Justin just dropped into sleep as if he hasn’t slept in years. Reliving that trauma took everything out of him. He needs sleep more than anything else right now.

  Charlie slowly lets him go, waiting to make sure Justin won’t wake up, before sitting up against the headboard beside me. “Jesus! What can we possibly do to help him? I’m no psychologist babe, but a lot of trauma is wound up in his head. We’re just brushing the surface of it. I want to help him but…what if we just make it worse?” Charlie says, looking at Justin’s head still on my chest, and brushing his hair back.

  “I think you're right. We need to talk to Aaron. Maybe he can help him like he helped you. He needs a therapist who understands not just the trauma he’s gone through, but the lifestyle he wants. If he still wants it. Maybe you should give him a call and see if he can come out tomorrow morning. We can introduce Justin to him by explaining how he helped all of us. If Aaron’s willing to help, and Justin’s willing to work with him, well, it just might be a better idea than us trying to help him on our own. Simon’s really good, but this is probably better handled by a professional. Do you mind giving him a call?”

  “No, I’ll be right back.”

  ************* Charlie I scrounge in my pants pockets to find my phone before pulling them on and leaving the room. It isn’t that late, and I hope I’m not interrupting anything. But Aaron answers after the first ring, so he probably isn’t busy. Music thumps in the background as he answers.

  “Hey, hold on a second okay?” Aaron must have covered the phone, because the music is immediately muted.

  “Hey, babe. What’s wrong? You okay?” Aaron asks, concern in his voice.

  “Sorry to call so late. I hope I’m not bothering you, but we could use some advice.”

  “All right, that’s an intriguing way to start a conversation. What’s up?” The curiosity is evident in Aaron’s voice. “Well, to make a long story short, David and I think we ma y have found our third.” As up in the air as that is at this time, I’m still excited.

  “That’s great. Wait, you said ‘may have’. What do you mean?” “He’s been hurt, Aaron, very badly. He’s opening up to us, but David and I are afraid we’ll do him more harm than good. He needs someone in the lifestyle who can help him emotionally. He just had a really bad nightmare and David got him to talk about it. I won’t break his confidence, but it’s really bad, Aaron. We’re both out of our depths here
. Do you think you could come by tomorrow morning? He’s sleeping again, but I have no idea how tomorrow will be.”

  “Well, of course. I’ll help however I can. You're right not to tell me anything. If he’s as fragile as you think, it’s imperative he feels he can talk to you both without you judging him or repeating what he tells you in confidence. As you know, trust is big, and once broken… well, you know what that feels like, and sometimes it can never be recovered. I’ll be by first thing in the morning. You’d better have breakfast ready for me too, since you're making me drive so far!” Aaron chided. I knew he was joking, but promised to have a spread fit for a king ready in the morning.

  Hanging up with Aaron, I decide I need to warn Simon of the early morning invasion. I know I’ll also be calling into work, but I have good help and they’ll do just fine without me for a few days. Dialing Simon’s number, I know he’ll be upset. Not about Aaron. It’ll be the nightmare’s effect on Justin that will worry Simon. He’s all heart, never wanting anyone to hurt, so I know bringing in a professional will be something Simon can get behind.

  “Is something wrong?” A sleepy but alert Simon answers, causing me to laugh.

  “Why does everyone keep asking me that first off?” “Well, maybe because it’s after two in the morning, and calls at this time are either calls for a ride when you're drunk, which I know you're not, or a problem. What’s up?” Simon asks concerned.

  “Justin had a really bad nightmare. David got him to finally tell us about it, but it’s bad Simon. You were right, they treated this baby bad. How can people do this shit?” The anger and tears are apparent in my voice and they upset Simon.

  “Do you need me? Charlie, are you okay? If David needs to be with Justin, I can come help you if you need it. I’ve always been a good cuddler.” This makes me laugh, allowing me to let go of some of my anger. Simon looks like anything other than a cuddler but his scary looks cover a tender heart.

  “Thanks Simon, but I’m good. I’m going back in there with them in just a second. I wanted you to know we decided to call in Aaron. He’ll be here in the morning to talk to Justin. I was told I owe him a large breakfast spread, because he has to drive all the way out here. All of what, twenty miles? He says he’ll be here first thing. I just hope we’re making the right decision, and Justin doesn’t get scared.”

  “He’s going to be scared. No matter what you do. This is someone new, someone who wants to know what’s going on in his head. But you know Aaron, he can settle just about anyone. He’ll be able to help. You guys made the right choice.”

  Simon’s confirmation settles my nerves, I’m suddenly just as tired as Justin.

  “I’m going to bed. This was exhausting. See you in the morning Simon.”

  “Good night.” Walking back to the room, I crawl up the big bed, settling behind Justin again. Close enough so Justin will know I’m there if he wakes up again.

  “Is he coming?” David’s soft voice startles me. I should have known David wouldn’t go to sleep until everything is settled.

  “Yeah, he’ll be here in the morning. I called and let Simon know as well.”

  “Good boy.” It’s the last thing I hear as I quickly fall asleep with a smile on my face.

  ************* Justin I’m holding on to the quiet, the warmth of being he ld safe so I don’t want to move. I want to stay right here forever. Far away from the memories beating at the door in my mind. They are closer somehow since I opened the door to them again last night and let them be real again. The last thing I want to do is relive any of them. I locked that door for a reason.

  “I know you're awake, baby. It’s time to get up.” David’s smooth voice interrupts my thoughts, I feel relief that I can think about something else.

  “I need you to know something.” I tense up before David can even tell me what I’ve done wrong. Was last night too much? Am I just too damaged and David is going to send me back? I start to tremble, scared that I won’t be accepted.

  “Settle!” David’s hand grabs my neck, firmly holding me to his chest. “No, don’t do that. We love you. You aren’t going anywhere. Stop thinking like that right now!” With David’s command I relax, the panic slipping away, the hand on my neck helps. Shuddering, I clench my eyes tighter and let all the tension go at once.

  “It’s nothing bad, baby. I just don’t want you surprised when we go down stairs.” Lifting my head up with the hand behind my head, David forces me to make eye contact.

  “This might sound scary to you, but you need help, Justin. More help than Charlie and I can give you. We’ll be there every step of the way if you need us, but there are some things that need professional help.” I can’t help the contemptuous huff that escapes. I’ve gone to therapists before, they were useless. “I understand that disbelief, Justin. I’ve been there, after my parents died in that crash. The one that scared Simon’s face. Well, I tried lots of different therapy, none of it worked for me, and I was in a steadily darker place every day.

  “I blamed myself for the accident, started doing cr azy stuff, drinking and doing drugs. Anything to make the pain go away. I thought just the same as you do now. I thought nothing was going to help, but then I met Aaron. Simon introduced me to him. He isn’t just a therapist, most of the therapists I went to never would have understood my BDSM interests. They would have thought I was still looking for something that hurt enough to make the memories go away. Aaron understood. He’s in the lifestyle also. He’s a Dom. The one who taught me the right way to be Dom. “It’s not about hurting someone, or even being hurt by someone. He helped me know that my fears, my feelings of guilt were normal, a normal reaction to my grief.”

  I try to pull away from David, not wanting to hear what he’s saying. There’s no one in this world that can help me. How does David think a shrink can make what I went through ‘normal’? I start to struggle again, pushing away from the idea of even talking about what’s hidden behind that door. He’s only heard a drop in the bucket, and if I have anything to say about it, that’s all anyone will ever ! All that therapy never reached that scared silent child.

  “Stop, Justin. I know you're scared, and I’m scared too. I’m terrified because I know I’m not enough to help you!” I freeze at that. What does he mean? David’s given me more peace in the last few days than I’ve ever felt. How can he not know how much better I already am.

  “Part of being a Dom, Justin, part of loving you, is wanting what’s best for you. I want you to be whole, and I’m scared that I can’t give that to you. So I’ve done the one thing I know will help you. I called in a friend. Someone I know you can trust. He won’t ever betray you, this I swear. You can trust him, the same as you trust me or Charlie. The same way you can trust Simon. He can help you, if you’ll trust me enough to try. You trusted me last night. And the only way we’ll ever do anything, is when you trust me. If you aren’t ready to talk to him, that’s okay too. Just come down and meet him. Give him a chance, baby. I’ll be right by your side unless you say different. Can you try? Give him a chance for me?”

  I’m so confused. I want to please David, but I don’t know if I can do this. David’s asking for so much more than just telling him about some nightmare. He’s asking me to tell a stranger things that I’ve kept locked away for years. Things so much worse than guilt or grief. Can I do it? Will it even help? Or just make it worse? I don’t know. But David thinks it will help. I can try. I want to try for David, but I’m terrified.

  “Just come and meet him. You don’t have to do anything but that for now. Anything else will be up to you. Okay?” The look in David’s eyes convinces me he means what he says. He’s trying to help, but won’t force me to do anything.

  Nodding slowly, I lay my head back on David’s chest, sighing as David holds me tight, rubbing my back and shoulders until the tension leaves them.

  “As much as I would love to sit here and hold you, Charlie went down early to start a breakfast feast. Aaron is always hungry, and I bet you are too.�
�� As if on cue, my stomach growls, letting David know it’s all for the idea of food.

  “See, I told you.” Smiling, David pulls me up, while chuckling. “Shower first. Go ahead, I’m going to hit my room for new clothes. Get ready for the day and I’ll meet you back here in a minute. I don’t want you going down by yourself, okay? I’ll be with you no matter what.” As I walk towards the shower I’m praying I won’t disappoint David.

  ************* Charlie When I put on a spread, I lay out a good one. Being the good ole country boy that I am, I got up early to start the biscuits, cook the ham steaks, and make red eye gravy. The grits are on, and I’m starting on the pancakes when there’s a knock at the backdoor. Going to answer it, I give Aaron a hug as he comes in.

  Aaron is slender, his movements graceful. But never

  underestimate him. His body is solid muscle, and he can be a little powder keg. You don’t want to get on his bad side. I saw the look on his face when my old “Dom” Derek grabbed hold of my arm at a club one night. He wasn’t supposed to be able to get into the club I was in. When he grabbed hold of my arm and wrenched it back I had cried out in pain. Derek was shouting all kinds of trash at me, and I could see the bouncers making their way toward me, trying to get through the crowd to help. Next thing I see is Aaron grabbing Derek’s cock and balls and squeezing hard, slowly pushing him backward through the club and out the door, using only his firm grip to steer Derek. Needless to say, he’s publicly banned from that club, and was told all the other clubs in town would be getting faxed new pictures of his face. That new haircut of his and the fake ID he was using would put him on “The Never Again List”. No reputable club would allow him in by morning. Aaron crushed Derek’s balls one more time, shoving him onto the pavement outside. He looked furious. Ready to defend me and beat Derek to a pulp. I placed my hand on Aaron’s arm and told him Derek wasn't worth our time.