Nice Guys Don't Finish Last

by Brown, Chavez

  I signed the form written in two columns, as she handed me a bag with Abdul's cell phone, wallet, watch & necklace. The phone’s screen had a crack on it with specs of blood presumably from the incident. I turned Blackberry on awaiting the downloading process, and an icon popped up displaying fifty missed calls, and twenty text messages. But realized I called him 45 out of those 50 times. Most of the text messages were from me, as well until I noticed a message saying:

  " Abdul, I can't wait for you to come with us Iraq. We have so much catching up to do, man. Keep me posted on everything going on."

  A gasp emerged as thoughts of him in Iraq disgruntled my mood. Why did he retain this away from me? I am aware that the physical state Abdul is in has hindered any chance of going to Iraq, but dammit.

  I scrolled to the last message that read:

  "Hey baby... I wanted to know if you would like to come by tonight. I'm horny and would like to do something."

  What in the Ru Paul hell? Why is Delmar sending my man messages & how the hell do they know each other?

  “Gap & Crafts Featuring Delmar”

  Embarrassment followed after sex with Deandre, I felt in control of my first intercourse experience, and look what happens. Ty says bottoms must always "clean" themselves before having sex, but I didn’t want him to know I was a virgin so I never asked what he meant. I thought I could handle a little ding ding without any fluid malfunctions. Boy was I wrong!

  I could tell Deandre was frustrated because he constantly mumbled "What the fuck, man". Now, I am going to be identified as the boy who dropped a load while riding it.

  Flabbergasted about it all, I did not even want to go to school. Abdul's punk ass never hit me back, and I guess Jeremy was finished with me. Can someone pass me a shovel & bury me in an Alexander McQueen coffin, as soon as possible?

  "Delmar, a lady from your school just called and said a guy named Roger died last night. Who is that," my mother asked busting through my door.

  "Roger died?" I asked in disbelief. “He was the producer of the song I’ve been working on.”

  "According to the woman on the phone, your studio session is canceled for the week,” she said as I sat there thinking about meeting him a few days ago and laughing with him yesterday. I expressed to my mother how nice Roger was, and that it felt like I knew him for ages.

  Later on that day, Ty & I went to Towson Mall in pursuit of outfits for our friend Corey’s birthday dinner. The temperature was oddly seventy-six degrees, and the attractive boys were everywhere. We had to remain focus because we both had the tendency to be in a mall for over two hours, and leave emptyhanded.

  “Chile, I wish I would pay forty girls for this shirt… ‘she’ ain’t even worth it,” Ty said.

  “Yeah, I don’t like it. Put it back on the shelf where it belongs,” I laughed as I threw the shirt on the floor.

  “This is the reason why I never come to the ‘Gap’, their clothes are overpriced and they shrink after you wash it. The only thing they good for is their underwear,” he said. “You right. Because my ‘cakes’ look good in their briefs, if I had a man he would lose his mind.”

  “Speaking of men, how did things go with Deandre last night,” he asked.

  “Ugh, I really don’t want to talk about it.”

  “What’s wrong, was it whack?”

  “Naw, it was good. It was great actually, but I had a little incident and I would rather not talk about it,” I insisted looking through the female’s side of the store, and placed on on a peach cardigan perfect for the event!

  “A little incident? Did you poop on yourself or something,” he laughed, while I strained to avoid any eye contact with him. “Oh my God, you did, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “Ohhhh, bitch! Now what did I tell you? You young ‘girls’ have to learn how to fleet,” he laughed hysterically.

  “Can you lower your voice? I’m sure everyone in here can hear what you are saying,” I whispered gazing at the mirror. “Mar, how did you allow something like that to happen though? You know much better than that.”

  “I mean, shit happens---.”

  “No pun intended,” he laughed as I walked away because I knew he would tease me for it. “Delmar, come back. I am just playing! I think it happens to the best of us, of course not me. However, I know many people who did it.”

  “Okay, next subject--- do you think I should buy this cardigan,” I asked while Ty rotated my body around to see the sweater front to back, and checked the price!

  “No shade, but I don’t think the garment is worth fifty dollars. It’s a lot more you can do with fifty coins.”

  “So what do you suggest I do,” I asked waiting for a quick response.

  “Give it to me,” he whispered as he looked around the store to see if any sales associates or cameras were around. He then, slipped the cardigan into my Louis Vuitton bag and grabbed the same colored cardigan from the shelf.

  “Ty, what the hell are you doing,” I asked.

  “Shut up and follow me to the fitting room area,” he said as I immediately wanted to run outside of the store. I didn’t want the shirt enough to steal, what if we get caught? It is not worth it. “You just have one item,” the sale associate asked while Ty shook his head yes and was assigned a room. I had no idea how he was going to get away with this but I was not interested in knowing either.

  “Do you think this fits me,” Ty asked opening the door to show me, while I remained silent. At this point, I contemplated suicide & searched for someone to bury me in my casket. He took three minutes to derive from the room, and my hands began to shake nervously. He finally came out!

  “Did everything fit you well,” the sale associate asked. “Oh no, girl. It was extremely too small, but thanks for asking,” he responded with an inviting smile. “You ready, Mar,” he asked.

  “Yes, I been ready,” I answered.

  We walked away from the fitting room, and suddenly the store rained with clouds. It felt like we were being watched and my heart pound hardly before we reached the exit, I envisioned the alarm thunder aloud---- but it didn’t.

  “I thought you were going to steal the cardigan, I am so happy you didn’t,” I sighed.

  “Bitch, I did. What did you think I put one in the bag for? It was to make her believe I only brought one item back there,” he said like it was nothing to it.

  “Oh my God, what did you do with the censor,” I asked. “I cut it off, and put it underneath the rug. So now it has a little hole in it, but I can stitch it up when we get back to my place,” he said.

  “Oh my gosh, I didn’t want it that bad Ty.”

  “You didn’t? I mean, I could always wear it myself. Our body types are similar anyways,” he insisted.

  “No, I will wear it.”

  “It’s a Small World Featuring Abdul”

  I spent half of the day thinking about the news the doctor revealed to me. Who can stomach the fact they may never walk again? I am a fighter; therefore, I will prove the doctors wrong & walk again. Every battle fought, I have never given up and won. Drama has followed me during for as long as I can remember, but I have not allowed for any of those things to defeat me. Whether it is death, love, war, hate, or a disease; I walk away with bruises unbothered by the events. Therefore, a damaged nerve will not hinder me from walking.

  Funny how we take things for granted, who would have known I would be paralyzed from the waist down? Frequently, many people take materialistic possessions for granted like a car, a house or a lover… but the ability to walk? I never thought in a million years that would be taken away from me.

  “Here’s the bag with your belongings & I have a granola bar and water,” Nico placed the bag in the chair with him. As I lied in the bed with the baked chicken, dry string beans & dinner roll the nurses brought me, barely touching one bite.

  “Babe, I think you should eat something. You look kind of weak,” he said.

  “I don’t want that it tastes like
plastic, I want my granola bar & water, boy,” I laughed in a whisper.

  “Your hard-headed ass, you have to get nutrients,” he said chopping some of the chicken with a plastic fork. “It actually looks good, I want some myself,” he laughed.

  “Knock yourself out! I refuse to eat that plastic shit. I’m surprised you even want me to eat this, Mr. I Love the Gym,” I whispered.

  “Well, I know that it’s hospitable, so I can’t argue with the food they serve. So what did the doctor say when I left?”

  “Oh, he just said that the bullet hit a nerve, and I may be paralyzed for the rest of my life. That’s all he said.”

  “What you mean that’s all he said? That’s a lot Abdul.”

  “I know, don’t remind me,” I said calmly.

  “Why are you acting so nonchalant about it,” he asked.

  “If I act a fool, it will not change the fact that I cannot walk anymore. The only thing I can do is pray about it, and go to physical therapy.”

  “You are right, and I will be with you every step of the way,” he smiled. He began to become the supportive person I fell in love with, I was wondered where the goodness of Nico dissolve.

  “Thanks baby,” I said.

  “Your welcome. Now, I want to talk about two things to you,” he said damn near swallowing his throat.

  “Okay, you can ask me anything,” I whispered.

  “One… why didn’t you tell me you were going to Iraq,” he asked as I nearly choked inhaling the scent of the hospital food in the air, and registering what he asked. Before giving a response, I collected the thoughts to avoid saying anything that could retract.

  “I didn’t tell you because I found out during your visit to the doctor that day and it was heavy alongside the news you learned.”

  “Understandable! The next question, how do you know Delmar,” he asked as I damn near swallowed my esophagus.

  “Delmar,” I asked within a question.

  “Yes, Delmar!”

  “Well, ummm… I really don’t.”

  “Abdul, please don’t piss me off right now. I just read the message he sent you, and it’s apparent that you two personally know each other,” he said.

  “No, I really don’t. I met Delmar at the Hippo the last time I went there, and he gave me his number. We text a few times but that is it.”

  “So why didn’t you tell me about it when you came home that night,” he asked.

  “Because I didn’t feel like it was anything worth telling, nothing happened between us! We just danced and that’s it,” I said holding the rigid dinner roll.

  “Okay, so sending you messages saying he is horny is acceptable,” he asked calmly than I’ve ever seen him.

  “No, it’s not acceptable. What are you talking about,” I asked as he pulled the phone out of the bag to show me the message.

  “This is what I’m talking about,” he pushed the phone in my face, and I could read the bolded letters. “So again, do you think this is acceptable,” he asked.

  “No babe, it is not. But I’ve never seen that message before, and I hardly said anything out of context. I am being completely honest, how do you know him anyway,” I asked confusedly.

  “Because he is the singer that recorded my song, and I already don’t like his ass,” he said as I inhaled.

  “Damn, this is a small world,” I said.

  “Oh, it’s a small world indeed!”

  “That Boy is a MONSTER! Featuring Nico”

  In search of space & time, I sauntered in the house to get away from the hospital! If I had to halt there for another minute, those walls were going to be torn down. One thing to witness your boyfriend suffer, but another when you suffer a phobia of hospitals.

  Flashbacks occur when I was a sever year old boy playing at the playground with my cousins, Trey & Brandon, and they caused me to fall face down off the see-saw. Talk about a busted face, the doctors had to pull seventy five stitches in my forehead, nose & mouth areas.

  The thought of hospitals makes me cringe, a hassle consuming deoxycyclines for chlamydia and have an appointment next Monday. The pressures of helping Abdul, preparing for a funeral & disposing a disease are overwhelming.

  I poured a glass of Bartenura Moscato, and sat on Abdul‘s favorite love seat next to Milo. This ride is a wake-up call, and I wish life could be normal again. I was determined to make Abdul hurt the way I did, but my antics did caused nothing but unnecessary drama.

  When he tells me about a sudden occurrence with someone, my mind usually travels to negative thoughts & triggers my insecurities. However, when he explained the encounter with Delmar, I believed him for once.

  One thing people may not know about me is that beyond this exterior, I am one of the most loving people you could ever meet. After dealing with many untrustworthy guys, I just lost respect for them and digressed colder throughout the years.

  My father left my mother, when I was five. He moved to San Diego, California to start his own family and I have five brothers & sisters whom I encountered twice. He tried to derive back in my life when I was 17, but it was too late for him to reenter.

  Why leave my mother with the “dirty dishes“, and return to the “kitchen” after everything’s been clean? After my nineteenth birthday, one of my brothers found me on Myspace & showed him to my dad and my father had me transported to L.A. for a week. It was the worst time of my life, and he definitely flipped after my sister told him my orientation on Myspace said that I was “gay” in my pre-PR Nico days.

  On my way back to Baltimore, he enclosed a note in my backpack that read:

  Dear Nicolas, Son, I know I haven’t been in your life and considered selfish. But I thought we could catch up during your trip with me. I guess I was wrong… it is apparent that nothing I can say or do change how you feel about me. I failed you as a father, and I blame myself for birthing a faggot. I know that if your mom and I were still together, you would not be a sissy flying around my house. You didn’t have a male figure to look to as a role model, so again… This is my fault.

  The letter was followed by a five-hundred dollar check; and a picture of me when I was a little boy. First, my sperm donor begs me for forgiveness yet insults me in the same paragraph. Anyone deserts me like an alien doesn’t get respect from me!

  In comparison, the first year of Abdul & I relationship, he would declare love for me but insisted my clinginess pushed him away.

  “You need to be secure within yourself,” he would claim. I never knew how to saturate his thoughts because I intended to love the way I wanted. The only serious relationship I had besides Abdul was with Deja, and a different experience considering she is a female. I have dated many guys after her, but they weren’t serious.

  Abdul would argue about my attitude towards limited time spent together & calling him before he called me. The terms “needy” or “clingy” were constantly thrown around, which opened a door for evolved insecurities. Anyone would react the way I did if they saw guys toss themselves at him, and he would entertain. Before we got together, I learned he created a reputation for dicking the boys down and leaving. The former made me diffident with him, and he never understood how insensitive he react to my emotion and said,”Nico, you are so dramatic. It’s not like I’m sleeping with the guys.”

  I lied back on the couch, and the effect of the Moscato rushed to my brain. The world flipped upside down, and random thoughts of Abdul’s resistance exploded in my head. I would give him the world, informed him on my whereabouts and overly affectionate towards him, in contrast, I received nothing in return. There was a moment; he asked if I wanted a pat on the back for notifying him I would arrive home late because I was out with friends.

  After one heated argument, I taught him a lesson. He fleshed his shit all over town like he was Tyson Beckford or Morris Chestnut, and there was reassurance anything he can do, I can do better!

  One day, a plan was constructed to remind him who the real ‘boss’ in the relationship is. He beli
eved an old ’friend’ took me out to dinner, and he did a complete three sixty. All of the ‘insecure antics’ he hated from me, he displayed them. A boomerang of repetitive phone calls & excessive text messages blew across my phone!

  The next morning, I had one hundred twenty six missed calls from him, and seventy eight text messages with sobbing letters. He still isn’t aware I stayed home alone that night, but I loved every bit of it.

  When I realized this was the only way to acquire him to appreciate me, I kept it going. The affectionate & needy little boy died the same day…while the cold, heartless bitch he fell in love with was born. It’s sad you must be cruel to someone, in order for them to appreciate you.

  After I pushed him away, he displayed negligent and clingy behavior. When humans do not receive love from the person they are in love with, it is an excuse to go outside of relationships opposed to just ending it. Abdul committed the unthinkable! He cheated on me with a boy in our house, and created monster. As much as I claim I forgive him, I still envision the boy lying in my bed with his ass in the air while riding Abdul’s face.

  He is blessed to have a tongue in his mouth & a pecker between his legs because many crazy bitches would have cut them both off.

  People do not realize you can’t say “I love you” to a person, and don’t mean it. All he ever had to do was show me the love I craved in the beginning, but he seized to amaze & lusted after I pushed him away. Why does love work that way?

  I know I conjured problems, and paid the consequences for my actions. But am glad I committed them, at least it allowed me to gain experience, since I am always Mr. Nice Guy! Abdul is a great guy, who made stupid mistakes.

  Overall, we are both human, maybe I have been a bit hard on him!

  “Second Chances… Featuring Delmar”

  When we arrived to Corey‘s dinner at Copeland’s in Columbia, the guests turned towards Ty & I with distasteful regards in their eyes. The room was segregated; the conceited crew sat on the left side, as the gossip “queens” sat on the right side! Of course, Ty would direct me to sit on the right side with the gossip girls.