Nice Guys Don't Finish Last

by Brown, Chavez

  But everything that has happened this year, thus far has drained the shit out of me. From the shooting accident to the house fire to Milo dying to the nightmares and the recent break up between Nico & I.

  I haven’t spoken to him in five days, and it feels rather good. I haven’t felt this empowered in ages. I never knew what it’d take for the both of us to finally part ways & truly be done with it. It seemed like anything could happen between us but we were too scared to venture out & meet other people.

  It’s what I was used to knowing, the idea of giving up on him used to mortify me. But it is a pivotal moment to let go because the journey has been nothing but misery.

  Do you I still love him? Yes. Am I a fool? No. If I stay, one of us will end up dead. We both were deteriorating & lost our individuality in the midst of trying to satisy each other. It’s time for me to be a better father to my daughter.

  From this day forward, I’m not looking back the worst is far behind me. My experiences in Baltimore were some of the best & many of my worst. I’ve met some great people along the way and will certainly miss this place. Sometimes, you have to spontaneously abscond & start over.

  I’m reaching the toll booths & to my right was an oversized poster that read “Leaving Maryland.”

  Goodbye!!!!

  “…Making Me Ill Featuring Nico”

  I’ve been writing the same line repeatedly and still can’t figure out if I want it to be a rhyme scheme. Considering the recent events, I just want to climb on top of the Empire state building & jump off.

  The Casio keyboard sitting before me, played broken chords that weren’t good enough to sustain the notes. The light was on, but in my eyes the room remained dark as I sat on the bedroom floor pressing the keys on the keyboard. The keys sound like four goats competing in a sing-a-thon failing to hit any real note.

  How could the man I shared three years of my life with, suddenly leave me? I do not understand at all!

  I felt the chunks in the back of my throat draw closer to my tongue as I ran towards the bathroom that was only two feet away from my bed, and the vomit wildly escaped from my mouth appearing in the toilet.

  I lied at the toilet with my mouth hovering on it, and observed my surroundings. The dizzy spells pushed a full-on effect, and it felt like the white tiled wall moved towards me as the gray-tiled floor erupted. My pulse began to beat faster than its original rate, and tears poured down my face kissing the surface of my chin. I cupped my face with my hands and tears shifted into large cries loud enough for the entire city to hear. I pushed my fist against the floor to bring myself up and felt fragile on gravity. A pitiful reflection stared at me in the silverframed mirror, as I walked towards it to get a closer look.

  I was so ashamed looking in the mirror and seeing things I was not so proud of. The chinky, hazel-brown eyes that once saw happiness, is now dull with excessive bags underneath the surface. And the pink full-curled lips that were great for kissing, don’t kiss anymore. I used to live to see the day, to cherish, and to expect the unexpected. But never had I imagined that he would leave!

  I threw the glass soap dish at the mirror causing it to shatter revealing different medications on the shelf including Abdul’s ambien. All the glass is either on the floor or in the sink and my foot is bleeding. But I cannot feel right now, my body is becoming desensitized, based on the current events in my life.

  What the hell did I do to deserve this? I am a good man, a real man who has always been there for Abdul, and this is what the hell I get in return? He has put me through so much, and the thought of any guy receiving benefits from the lessons I’ve taught him and the man I helped create, angers me. When he had nowhere to stay, I was there for him. When he cheated on me, I stayed with him. During the entire shooting incident, I cleaned his urine, shit & fed him. And now he has himself together, he thinks he’s on top-of-the-world now, and that he can just go hurting people! I made a mistake, but I deserve to be forgiven… just like I forgave him. It’s not fair!

  If there’s anything wrong I did, then it is because of him. He made me the monster I am today, and he will not take responsibility for it. I really don’t want to live right now! What is the point of living? I have no boyfriend, job, or home. What do I have to lose?

  I am eyeing these ibuprofens inside the broken mirror, and then I’m gazing at the glass lying in the sink. Using glass would be quicker, but swallowing the pills would be less painful. I grabbed the full bottle pills and turned the arrow on the cap to open it, and it did not open at first attempt.

  The second time, I got it open and through a few in the palm of my hand and swallowed them. Ten minutes later, my eyes vision became blurry and my hands went numb. I tried to take to walk out the door, but slipped on a piece of glass knocking my head into the toilet…