Slut

by Jettie Woodruff

  “You’re good with that, Gabby?” Nick asked totally overstepping Paxton, but in a nice way. Sort of.

  I looked to Paxton first, trying to read his face, and I knew as soon as I saw it, he would have done whatever I wanted him to do.

  “Is that what you want, Gabriella? Do you want to move on, or do you want to talk about it with Nick here? I’ll do whatever you want.”

  I smiled, leaned into him a little more, and turned to Nick. “We’re good. You can go.”

  Nick nodded and started tapping keys, causing the screen to go black. “Okay, we all know that it’s Lane’s voice you’re going to be hearing. The beginning has been clipped just like before. I didn’t do that, and I can’t control it. Lane did it. I’m going to sign off, but I’m a text message away. Just remember, talk about it, Paxton is learning a lot of this for the first time, too, Gabby. Keep that in mind. Unlike you, it’s his own fault, but nonetheless, they're things he didn’t know, too. Like what you’re about to hear. Got it?”

  “Yes, thanks, Nick,” I said with a nod.

  Paxton didn’t say a word to Nick. He stared at the black screen and waited to hear my relaxed voice.

  I took a deep breath and waited with him, anticipation and edgy nerves.

  “Lay down. I’ll rub your back while we listen,” Paxton coaxed from my side.

  I gave him a strange look, feeling a little awkward about the reversed roles. “I said I was fine.”

  “Lay down,” Paxton ordered while ripping my pillows from behind my back. He tossed one to the side and slid the laptop over.

  Of course I obliged, coming to my knees and then my stomach. I felt his large hands before I heard my sleepy voice from the computer. His thumbs dug into my shoulders and I moaned, feeling sore spots I didn’t know were sore.

  “Did you ever meet Tatiana, Gabriella?”

  “Yes, she came to our house once, not long after Ophelia was born.”

  “But never before? You didn’t meet her before that day?”

  “Not technically. I watched her, but that’s it. I didn’t know she was his wife. Paxton didn’t wear a ring.”

  “Go on.”

  “I was in the middle of the boulders when I saw her. It was the same day that I ran into you on the beach. That day.”

  “Just keep going, Gabby. So it was about three weeks after you met Paxton for the first time?”

  Questions that I couldn’t answer took the place of Paxton’s massaging hands, and my eyes opened. “What’s he mean by that? He sounds like he doesn’t want you to talk about something. What is it?”

  “Shhh, I don’t know, babe. Right below my left shoulder blade,” I said while my body jolted below his, coaxing him to keep rubbing.

  “She was on the beach with a baby, maybe six months old or so. The baby played in the sand while she talked on a cellphone. I thought it would be rude if I just popped out, so I stood there and listened.”

  “What did you hear, Gabby. Who was she talking to?” Lane questioned.

  “I—I’m not sure. A man. She told him she was trying, and promised this would be her last trip there, she promised to tell him before she left.”

  “Tell who, Gabriella?”

  “I don’t know. My attention was mostly on the baby. She was the cutest baby I’d ever seen. Fuzzy white hair stood straight up on top of her little head. Her hair would no doubt be as pretty and shiny as her mother’s someday.”

  “When did you see her again?”

  “Later that day. I followed her, wondering where she had come from and where she was headed.”

  “And where did you see her?”

  Paxton’s hands stopped again, but only briefly when he heard the tone in my voice. Even I could hear the sadness.

  “She went to Paxton’s house.”

  “Why does that make you sad, Gabby?”

  “I didn’t know he had a wife and a baby. I thought he liked me, but he didn’t, he only used me. He didn’t treat me like he did her.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I watched them through the bushes the entire night. I heard every word they said to each other, and I knew he would never love me. It was silly for me to think a man like Paxton would ever love someone like me.”

  “Why do you say it like that, you’re very special, Gabby,” Lane interrupted.

  “But I’m just a slut. I could never look like her. She was beautiful, and the gene pool passed down to that little baby. My, God.”

  “Tell me what you heard, Gabby.”

  “I got closer than I normally did, because I couldn’t hear them. I hated the way he moved behind her and kissed her neck while she was on the phone—again. She was on the phone a lot. She gave him a dirty look and pushed his arm away. The baby, too, telling him to stop with a dirty look, telling him about some busy schedule she had to figure out.

  “Paxton backed off and played with his baby, letting her crawl in the fresh cut grass until she hung up. Before she finally hung up, she applied more lipstick and complained about them trying to kill her, I just didn’t know who them was. Paxton threatened to kill her if she didn’t get off the phone and pay attention to him, kissing on her and telling her how much he missed her.

  “Tatiana shoved him away again, this time because of her fresh red lips. They argued about supper next. Paxton had an entire meal planned out, but she wanted to go out, telling him that the new neighbor, Tricia, gave her a number to a sitter. Paxton got mad, telling her they weren’t taking her to a sitter, and that he bought steaks, and her favorite wine.

  “The gorgeous blonde told him she wanted a Greek salad with a huge smile, and then a laugh. Neither was directed toward Paxton. It was for whoever her thumbs were busy texting.

  “Paxton told her how beautiful she was, and that she didn’t need salads, but again, she shot him down, but he did win. They stayed in, and I stayed close, watching the family life that I would never have. The one Tatiana lived with the man I wanted, the house, and the beautiful baby.

  “I was shattered. Paxton didn’t want me because he wanted her. He already had someone, and a baby. What a bastard, son of a bitch. It was so stupid, I mean he wasn’t even nice to me. Why I thought I ever had a chance to be with a man like Paxton was beyond me. I loved watching him with his little girl, but I hated seeing him with her. He doted on her, and she barely gave him the time of day. I presumed when you looked like that, you didn’t need much more. She kept the hook baited and he fed off of it, nibbling here and there, before taking the entire bite. Stupid little fish.

  “I got closer than I should have once they went inside, moving right up to the door, but I could only hear muffled voices. I watched Paxton play with the baby mostly while his wife either talked on the phone, or texted. At one point she went into his office and worked on his computer. I was sure she was very important, a professional of some sort.”

  “Is that it, Gabby? Did you see her anymore?”

  “Oh yeah, I didn’t leave. I watched them all night, and once the baby was down, they returned to the pool area with wine. He kept kissing her, but she wasn’t very interested. She talked around his advances, telling him she had to be at the airport by nine the next morning.”

  “And then what?”

  “And then he just did it. He kissed her neck and slid his hands down the front of her pants. Tatiana tried to protest, but not too hard. Once Paxton begged to lick her pussy, it was all over with.

  “He led her to the side door where I sleep. I knew I shouldn’t have watched, but he left the door wide open. I couldn’t help it.”

  “Did you watch Paxton have sex with his wife, Gabriella?”

  “Yes, it was the first time I realized women were supposed to enjoy it. Tatiana did. Very much so. She didn’t do it like me. She was way more in control than I would ever be. I could never tell him to fuck me harder. Never. She made noises that I wouldn’t dare make. She was way more confident than I would ever be.”

  “Is that what you want, Gabby? Y
ou want to be able to make love to Paxton like Tatiana did?”

  “Yes, but I can’t. It doesn’t work for me. Sometimes I feel like it’s going good, and I try not to feel anything but him, but then he says something, or touches me back there, and I shut down.”

  “You don’t like anal sex? Does Paxton make you do that?”

  “No, he doesn’t make me. He wants to, but I can’t. I always go back to that warehouse. I didn’t like it when they did that. It hurt really bad, and they just kept going, taking turns until it was finally over. If you can just make me forget that, I can be better for him. I know I can.”

  “We’re going to help you, Gabby, but just so you know, you have other options. You don’t have to stay with him.”

  I snickered before answering. “Yes I do. Paxton would never let me go. He’s told me. He would kill me first.”

  “He’s not going to kill you, Gabby. Never mind. We’ll get to that later. What happened next?”

  “Nothing really. I sat down on the cracked concrete, staring at the empty pool Paxton had just drained. I knew it was for her by then. Everything he did around there was for her. They were quiet for a while after they’d finished, only heavy breaths.

  “Paxton started it. He told her he would have the upstairs bedroom and Rowan’s room finished by the end of the month, and he wanted them there. Full-time, but Tatiana wasn’t a stupid fish. She didn’t bite at all. She stood up to him. I could never do that.”

  “Is that what you want? Do you want to learn to stand up to Paxton?” Lane questioned, once again interrupting.

  Another giggle. “Not so much. We have an arrangement. I’m okay with it, I would just like to be able to please him better, and I can’t. Will you help me?”

  “Yes, Gabby. We’re going to help you. Why won’t you stand up to him? What happens if you do?”

  “Different things. Sometimes he’ll keep me from something special.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, like Sir Wrinkles. I waited in line with Rowan for three hours so she could get a signed copy, and a stuffed dog like in the book. Paxton was mad at me for telling her I would take her.”

  “Why?”

  “I forgot that I was supposed to take care of some permits for a job for him. I already promised her. He called me when we were five minutes from reaching the author. Rowan was on pins and needles with excitement, and it got intensified with each step ahead. There were only about seven more stuffed dogs, and she was about to get hers, and the book. Paxton appeared out of nowhere and told me to go home.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it was his way of punishing me. He knew how much it meant to her, and to me to see her so happy.”

  “Did you leave?”

  “Sort of. I walked away, but I hid around some lady with a big hat, and watched Rowan finally make it to her turn. Paxton took her picture with Mrs. Kerr, and her treasures.”

  “You’re an adult, Gabby. You shouldn’t be punished, especially with your kids,” Lane said with a determined voice.

  “It’s fine. I’m okay.”

  “It’s not fine, Gabby. Never mind, let’s keep going. What happened next?”

  “I went home, nothing really. I mean he spanked me, but he does that even if he doesn’t have a reason.”

  “No, not that. Let’s move on to Tatiana. You said you were listening outside.”

  “Oh, yeah. They were fighting. Tatiana accused him of being selfish, because he wanted her to move there, and Paxton retaliated.

  “His voice raised and then he told her that the house was gutted because he wanted her to have a nice home. He told her he didn’t want her running all over the country with his daughter anymore. Then he got mad when she told him she had left her with a friend the last time. Four days. Paxton was pissed, but Tatiana gave it right back to him.

  “Her sun-colored hair flipped to her back, and her red painted lips pursed. She yelled louder, telling him she never wanted any of that, and that was his dream, not hers. She told him she never wanted to move to Florida, and complained about all her friends being in Texas.

  “Paxton calmed down and begged her to come there, calling it home. He even mentioned your name, reminding her that she liked Candace, and Tricia. It didn’t matter though, Tatiana already had other plans.

  “It took her a few minutes to reply, but she did. She finally told him the truth.”

  “What was the truth, Gabby?”

  “She made it. She was a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader, and she wasn’t about to move there and give it all up. She once again told him that the house and Florida was his dream, not hers. She wasn’t ready for that role yet.

  “Paxton tried to tell her that was all going to go away, that she had a couple years if she was lucky, and it would be too late. When that didn’t sway her, he used Rowan, telling her she would never see her again if she left. She struck back by telling him he wanted that, too. Like she didn’t even care about the poor little baby.

  “Paxton and Tatiana talked for over two hours and I sat on the cold concrete and listened to every word. By the time they were done, Tatiana confessed to being in love with someone else, and she never had any intentions of coming there with him. They fought some more, Paxton raised his voice, called her names, and begged her not to tear their family apart. Tatiana reminded him again of her dream. Paxton wasn’t part of that dream, and neither was their baby. She just left her. Just like that, until the one time she showed up. That was it.”

  The audio stopped just like that, and the black screen disappeared, leaving a photo of Rowan and Phi with Mickey Mouse ears in its place. I hadn’t even realized Paxton had moved to my side until that moment. We were face to face propped on elbows, and my hand rested in his.

  “You watched me have sex with Tatiana?”

  I narrowed my eyes and pulled my hand from his, dropping the stupid stone I hadn’t even realized I was holding, to the bed. “All that and that’s what you got out of it, huh?”

  “Is that sarcasm? What? I don’t get it. What did you want me to get out of it?”

  “I don’t know, Paxton. Maybe the part where you let me wait in line with my daughter for three hours, and then took it away from me. Maybe the part where I confessed what a stupid girl I was, drooling over your stupid ass while you were married,” I said, voice elevating as I went.

  “What do you want me to say? I would never do that now. I love that you know these things about our girls, and I had no idea you felt that way. You never told me.”

  “You never fucking asked, Paxton.”

  “Whoa, Gabriella. If this is what’s going to happen every time we do this, then let’s quit. I’m trying my best to keep you from getting upset. I’m trying to be here for you. I can’t change what I did before. I’m okay with doing this with you, for your memory, but not if it means this. I’d rather you not know than see you upset. I can’t change it, baby.”

  I took a deep breath and calmed down. He was right. Paxton may not have been the man I knew he could be, but he was definitely a work in progress. At least he was working. I guess that meant something.

  “What happened after that, Paxton? How the hell did I end up being your wife? I don’t get it.”

  Paxton moved his laptop and pulled me to him, forcing me to lay on the bed with him. I kept my hands behind my head, my eyes on the ceiling, and a pout on my lips. He may have been able to make me listen, but he couldn’t make me like it.

  “I was angry at Tatiana, not you.”

  “I was just the one you took it out on, right? The poor little fucked up girl living in your house. In the wrong place at the right time. You knew exactly what you were doing, didn’t you, Paxton?”

  My body squirmed when he placed his hand up my shirt and on my stomach. I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. “I’m not going to lie to you, Gabriella. I had a well thought out plan, and you made it easy when you came to me carrying my baby. I knew I had you, hook, line and
sinker. You did everything I told you to do, and you were more than willing to marry me. I never twisted your arm.”

  “But you already told me that you didn’t give me a choice, that you didn’t ask me to marry you. You told me I had to.”

  “Oh, fuck that shit, Gabriella. You could have stopped it and you know it.”

  “How? We already know I didn’t stand up to you.”

  “But you could have. You do now. You fucking punched me in the eye. You could have threatened to call nine-one-one, like you did after you got out of jail. I don’t want that shit. I don’t want cops coming to my house around my kids for domestic violence. I had no idea what you’d tell them. You could have fought back, Gabriella. You didn’t.”

  “And you could have loved me like you loved her, Paxton, but you didn’t. I don’t know if you’re the stupid fish or if I am.”

  “What does that even mean, Gabriella?”

  “You know. Did I bite, hook, line, and sinker, or did you?”

  “Maybe we both did, Gabriella. Maybe we’re both stupid fish, fighting for the same hook. Maybe it’s just as much your fault as it is mine.”

  I pulled my hair between my fingers and groaned. As dumb as it sounded coming from his mouth, it sort of made sense to me. What did that make me? Stupid, stupid, fish.

  Fifteen

  The next couple of days were as normal as our dysfunctional family could make them. Paxton worked, the girls and I went about our everyday routine, and we signed papers for Rowan to advance to the second grade. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure about her teacher though. I was expecting a Miss, not a Mr. He was nice enough, but I wasn’t convinced he was smarter than my daughter. That was yet to be determined. Rowan liked him, so I guess that was all that mattered.

  I worried myself sick waiting for news from The State of Michigan, and Paxton and I watched another video, but it was more of the same, the night Tatiana showed up at our house. She was shocked that I had Phi, and Rowan wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. The whole thing was peculiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on why, or what. We didn’t learn anything that we argued about, that was the main thing.