Double Grades

by Kristine Robinson

  The bottle circled and finally drug to a stop on the carpet. For a moment Jamie couldn't believe that it was pointing at her. It seemed like both nightmare and wet dream at the same time. Her body pumped adrenaline into her veins making her feel like she'd just jumped out of an ice bath. The other girls were hooting and hollering, clapping and rocking back and forth. It was as if this is what they'd all been waiting for. And perhaps it was, Jamie realized. It didn't necessarily hinge on the fact that it would be Jamie and Adrian kissing in front of a group—it could have been anyone and they would have given the same response—but it felt good to bask in their jubilee anyway. It was just the kind of courage booster that made all of the fear and bad feelings melt out of Jamie. She was left with just a sense of longing that Adrian crawl across the circle to her would take forever, that the moment could be savored eternally so that there would be no chance that it would ever dim or darken in her memory. But that wasn't the way life worked, so no matter how much Jamie wished it to be one way, it was going to be the other. Before Jamie knew it Adrian crossed the difference over to where she sat and had grabbed her by both of the shoulders. At first Jamie didn't know why, but then she realized that Adrian was actually supporting her, that she'd actually just picked her up off the ground. Jamie thought back on the last half second, heard the murmur rushing through the room around her from girl to girl, and realized that she had feinted.

  “I'm all right, I'm all righ—” Jamie's voice was interrupted by Adrian's tongue. It was a feeling of rapture that Jamie had never experienced before, not even when she and Adrian had kissed the other day. For a moment Jamie thought that she might pass out again, but then she realized that instead of that she was on the verge of feeling like she was ready to run a marathon—every detail in the room was crystal clear, every dust mote swirling in the sun streaming through the blinds made so distinct she would never forget even them.

  When the kiss ended Jamie wasn't ready for it, and it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold water on her.

  “Oh my God,” Jamie said. “What just happened?”

  The room roared with laughter once again, but this time there was applause along with the laughter. The rest of the night went well, and both Jamie and Adrian had a good time. When the party had gone on for some time and people were fairly intoxicated they would ask the girls to go further, more than one kiss, but they declined. When one of Adrian was practically trying to force Jamie onto Adrian, Adrian finally had to step in.

  “I know that this stuff flies with some people, but not with me,” Adrian said. “If she doesn't want to kiss me again then she doesn't want to kiss me again, and that's fine.”

  Jamie was thankful that Adrian was there to stick up for her like that. It meant a good deal to her, that someone cared enough to do the right thing and check someone, even that someone probably had the best of intentions when they did what they did.

  “I'm so sorry,” the friend said. “You know how I can get when I'm drunk. I do things that are all wrong.”

  “It's all right,” Adrian said. “It's not a big deal because I handled it, so don't worry. And have fun! There isn't any reason to become all serious just because you tried to make my friend make out with me when she isn't really feeling it.”

  They all three laughed at this, and then the party went on. The rest of the night continued to get drunker and drunker, but Jamie stopped, and shortly after that so did Adrian.

  They called a cab home anyway, not wanting to risk getting into trouble with the law. When they got home they gave each other a big hug before heading off to bed. It was one of the best nights Jamie had had in a while, and she hoped that they could have many more such nights. She knew, that with time, there would be a connection formed that made her that made her feel comfortable going ahead with the more physical aspects of the a relationship. But she was terrified that if they became physical that romance would follow—well, not terrified of the romance, but terrified of the potential loss that such a thing could bring on. It was hard to think about what might happen if she became involved with Adrian and then their relationship went sour.

  As she drifted off to sleep Jamie thought about how life could be, and what might be. All the things that they didn't want to say to each other because they might end up being things that never even came to fruition came bubbling out of her subconscious and into her dreams.

  Winter break was upon the two women before either could make plans about their future, or even figure out what was going on with the current state of their relationship. Jamie headed home knowing that her family was going to ask her what was up with her and school, and boys. It would be hard to lie to them, and maybe impossible because of social media. And although she and Adrian hadn't posted any pictures of them holding hands or being provocative, it was obvious they were very close and spent a great deal of time with each other. There was no way that her family hadn't seen all of the pictures of them hanging out, so she would have to tell them about that much. But would she go all the way? Should she? It was something that she thought about while her plain took off and flew her over the country all the way home.

  Jamie's fears came true the first night she was back and her family had dinner as a group for the first time in many moons.

  “So, Jamie,” father said. “How is school. Are you seeing anyone? And what's the name of the friend you spend so much time with?”

  “Her name is Adrian and she's wonderful. Right now I'm kind of seeing someone, or at least we're thinking about starting to see each other. But were also kind of shy about it and don't want people to even talk about it or think about pressuring us about stuff,” Jamie said. “Is that all right?”

  “Of course honey,” her parents said. “You can show him to us whenever you're ready.”

  Jamie didn't jump in to tell them it was a girl. She didn't know what her parents would think. She'd never even come close to letting on that she might be attracted to the same sex. She didn't know if she was ready to. Her parents were liberal leaning in their politics, but to be honest, Jamie wasn't so sure they would like the idea of their little girl being one of those women who liked other women. She could already hear her mother playfully bemoaning that people would call her daughter a rug muncher. It would be like that too, that playful half playing criticism that never ended. Or would it? Maybe it would be something else entirely.

  Maybe her parents would be completely cool about it and wouldn't sweat the small stuff at all. That was what Jamie hoped for. But, as dinner ended, she realized that she needed to talk to Adrian way before she spoke with her parents. Right now there was no real solid understanding between them that they were anything more than friends with a mutual crush. That would have to be examined and sussed out. There was no other way about it. And Jamie was excited to do just that.

  “So what, exactly,” Jamie said. “Are we doing. Because I'd like us to be more than friends.”

  They sat at the dinner table again, this time eating French bread and sprouts.

  “Well,” Adrian said. “I didn't want to push you to fast, but now it seems like you're the one pulling me along by the hand!”

  “I'm so sorry if this is too fast,” Jamie said. “God damn it. I totally should have thought about this more before I just shouted it out in what is nearly our first conversation back from break.”

  Adrian moved sprouts around on her plate with a fork, then took a big bite of her bread.

  “All right,” Adrian said. “Then let's be more than friends, but let's let it happen organically.”

  “All right,” Jamie said. “And I'd also like you to meet my parents.”

  For a moment it looked like Adrian was going to spit out her drink. When she finally forced it down, she slowly sat her glass down on the table.

  “You don't think this is fast? I mean, it kind of is,” Adrian said. “Not that I'm freaking out, just need to know a little more about what's going on with your thought process.”

  It was Jamie's t
urn to look down at her food for a moment.

  “When I was back home over the holidays,” Jamie said. “My parents asked if I was seeing anyone and I said sort of, and they said they wanted to meet this mystery boy. And I didn't correct them because we didn't even know what was going on with us really, so what could I say? But I'd like to be a little more forthright with myself and you and everyone, from now on. I'm sick of hiding who I am from people. If they don't like it, they can just fuck off. It's that simple. And I'd like you to meet my parents. I guess what I'm saying is that I want to come out to them.”

  “How do you think they'll take it,” Adrian said. “Is it something that you've ever kind of hinted at before, or will this be a bolt from the blue?”

  “More of a bolt from the blue than anything else,” Jamie said. “And I know that's not the most ideal situation. But I need to do what's best for me. And for us. Fuck everyone else.”

  Adrian nodded, looking like she was barely keeping her mouth from dropping open.

  “And I want to say that I'm sorry for putting you last in all of this. And I also want to thank you for being so patient. I realize that sometimes I'm not the easiest person to deal with and that things can get lame when I'm indecisive. But all of this is new to me, and I'm just trying to figure out where I'm at with it. You know?”

  “I understand completely,” Adrian said. “And I just want you to know that I'm going to support you every single step of the way. I'm not going to be one of those girls who lets their girlfriend come out and take all the heat that comes with that without supporting them. I plan on being there for you, Jamie, and I just want you to know that. All right?”

  Jamie didn't know if she could keep from crying for much longer. She tried to answer Adrian, but no words came out. All of a sudden it was like a torrent of emotion ripped through her, and the waterworks started. Before Jamie knew what was happening, Adrian was around the table and had her in a big hug. They both would get through it, together, Jamie was sure of it. But they may need to actually plan out the coming out. But the planning could wait until she wasn't balling her eyes out.

  Later that night, after they had both gone to bed, Jamie's door cracked a little bit, letting in an elongated rectangle of light.

  “Adrian, is that you?” Jamie asked.

  “Hey,” Adrian said. “I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were doing all right. May I come in?”

  “Of course,” Jamie said. “And please, always feel welcome to come into my room.”

  Adrian shut the door behind her and sat down on the bed, taking hold of Jamie's hand in both of hers.

  “I just want you to know that I sincerely care about you,” Adrian said. “And always will.”

  With that, Adrian leaned over and kissed Jamie full on the lips. This time Jamie didn't panic, though but instead wrapped an arm around Adrian's so that she couldn't pull away. For a long period, their tongues explored each other's mouths, and it was the best feeling that Jamie had felt in her entire life. This is what she'd been craving for so long. She had no idea why she'd been so afraid of doing something like this before. Now it seemed so natural, and as Adrian climbed into bed with her, it was almost like they fell into each other. Their tongues darted in and out of each other's mouths, and their teeth clamped down on each other's lips. It was an exchange of love and lust, the way their hands searched each other out. It was as if they'd both found something precious inside of each other, and wanted to hold it tight, keep it safe. What they had between them was more than just physicality. They'd wanted each other for so long, and waited for the right moment to come. Neither of them had rushed it, and neither of them had forgotten that the person they were in love with was very much a real person, not just some ideal of a person.

  As their bodies gyrated against each other, and they took one another into their mouths, moments of pleasure mounted to ecstasy, then bliss. They made love like there was no tomorrow, but also like if they weren't carefully they would spill what they were so carefully carrying between them. Each knew that the other was fragile, and each knew that they needed to be as strong as they could for one another. When they finished, when both lied gasping by the other, they drifted off to sleep and dreamed of a world where people didn't need to come out because it wasn't a big deal if they were gay.

  Over the next few months. Jamie and Adrian came out to various people on campus. Not at random, but in a systematic order that would allow them to gauge what they might expect from the future. At the same time, they set aside time to spend with one another in the romantic sense. It was an amazing thing to get to know a kindred spirit so well. Jamie would have never thought it possible, but it was, and that was the most amazing part. All these years she'd watched movies where love was presented as something happened, or heard stories from lovers about how they'd met each other and just known. It was sort of like that, but not.

  Because it wasn't just wasn't just something that happened, or appeared out of thin air. It was something they manifested between each other through caring and being there for each other. There was so much affection pulsing between them that sometimes Jamie could feel herself becoming overwhelmed, and sensed a similar feeling in Adrian.

  “How are you feeling about all of this? I get that you don't show feelings outwardly as much as I do, so I figured I'd ask,” Jamie said. “And I know that you love it when I ask, so it's like two birds with one stone.”

  “Two lovebirds,” Adrian said. “And, I think that everyone's reaction has been positive to the news. Beyond that, I feel like this is one of the harder things I've had to do. I mean, I was out before this, sort of, but never in the sense of being really out of the closet. It was one of those things people could pick up on if they wanted to, but not one of those things that I pushed in front of people to be sure they knew about it.”

  “I don't feel like were shoving into anyone's face,” Jamie said. “But I definitely see what you mean. Before this, no one had any idea that I might be interested in women. It's so crazy that we have to come out at all. It should be the other way around; people should have to stay in!”

  They both laughed at this.

  “Just imagine guys walking around campus, telling people that they are only into girls,” Adrian said. “That would be the best thing ever. Most guys are so skittish about talking about being gay that it only comes out as some sort of slur against gay people. I feel sorry for them, really. That kind of repression isn't healthy for anyone.”

  “That's how I look at it as well,” Jamie said. “People pushing parts of themselves away is never a good thing. They can't do it forever and not feel some kind of push back.”

  They were walking on campus. The weather was still cold, but an Indian summer allowed them to wear only light jackets and stuff their hands deep in their pockets to avoid feeling winter's bite.

  “When do you think we should talk to your parents? It's your call, of course,” Adrian said. “I know that I want to tell mine, as well. We could tell mine first. I'm more worried about them. Not because they're homophobic, but because I've always been their little girl, and I feel like they'll think of it as me leaving them even further behind than just going to college. You know what I mean?”

  “I do,” Jamie said. “I have some of the same feelings, but I guess mine revolve a little more in the vein of actually being afraid of rejection. My father, although very couched about it, hasn't been that excited about the progression of gay rights. They're left leaning folks, but it's one thing to lean and another thing to fall. Hopefully, they can fall back in love with me when they find out that I'm my own person completely, and no longer playing by anyone else's rules.”

  They walk with their eyes on each other, instead of watching where they were going. An older student saw them walking side by side and altered his course a little bit so that Jamie would have to move to the other side of the sidewalk. But Jamie and Adrian weren't aware of any of this, because as the young lovers walked and talked they were c
ompletely enraptured and enamored with each other.

  “Excuse me,” the man said. He held out his arm too stiff arm Jamie out of the way.

  Adrian reacted so quickly, and so graciously, Jamie didn't know what was happening untilh it was over. Adrian grabbed his wrist with one hand and pushed the crook of his arm with the other. Folding his arm around her like rope, she turned and thrust her hip under his and flipped him over her back, pulling his body after his arm as she bent over and away from him. The man hit the ground with a thump but seemed all right.

  “You fucking dykes,” he said. “What the fuck.”

  The man stayed on the ground, and both of the girls turned and ran the rest of the way to Jamie's car.

  “Holy shit,” Jamie said. “I can't believe that guy was going out of his way to push me!”

  “That fucking asshole,” Adrian said. “I didn't want to have to do that, but I didn't see him being a fucking asshole until it was way too late to do anything else about it.”

  Jamie didn't know what to say as she started her car and drove home. There was a lot that could be said. If the asshole who had tried to stiff arm her hadn't been thrown to the ground they might be able to wonder if he was doing it just because some dudes were that way, or if he was doing it because they were always seen holding hands around campus and had just come out to several people and didn't like that they were openly a same-sex couple. It was crazy to think about, Jamie thought as she turned her blinker on to turn onto the road to their apartment, that there were still people in the world that harbored that much hate toward other people. It seemed just a little bit silly, but not the kind of silly people could laugh at, but the kind of silly like trying to chew rocks, or swallowing a coal. The kind of silly people called silly because they weren't familiar with a vocabulary that could aptly describe so much hate in someone else's heart that they would attack them in public for no other reason than what they were.