Something to Believe In

by Kimberly Van Meter

  “Lilah,” he called out in irritation but she ignored him. “Damn it, girl, I want to marry your stubborn ass!”

  At that she stopped and nearly toppled over when her center of gravity tipped. She wobbled and then turned to stare at him, her mouth open.

  “What?”

  “You heard me,” he bit out, not liking how this had turned out. It certainly wasn’t the romantic declaration he’d envisioned. Now he was so agitated, he just wanted to scoop her into his arms and haul her to the first justice of the peace that he could find and be done with it. “I want to marry you.”

  “Marry?” she gasped, her hand going to her belly. She stared as if he’d told her that he wanted to fly to the moon and make angels in the moon dust. She certainly didn’t look overcome with elation. Aww crap. He winced as his worst fear started to materialize right before his eyes. “Marry?” she repeated incredulously. “Absolutely not.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  LILAH COULDN’T THINK STRAIGHT. She needed to get away from Justin for just a moment. Everything was moving too quickly. One minute she was daydreaming about him, the next he was at Larimar and yelling at her, and finally, he’s professing his love and wanting to marry her. He didn’t even truly know her!

  “Lilah! Wait up!”

  She heard him but she wasn’t stopping. She had to get to the Jeep; had to get back to Larimar so she could talk to Lora. This was insanity. Marry him? Six months ago they’d been strangers having a bit of fun; now she was his baby mama.

  But he wants to make you his wife!

  The voice in her head was practically shrieking at her to get a grip and face this situation like an adult, but her feet weren’t cooperating with her brain. He didn’t want her for a wife. That was the reality of it. He was making a grand gesture because she was pregnant and that was the last kind of proposal she wanted. In her dreams when she envisioned her wedding, it wasn’t like this. In her mind, she wore a beautiful, flowing dress that drifted around her feet like a designer cloud of white and creams like sea froth on the sand and she was surrounded by her friends and family as she pledged her love to the man who made her life worth living. In her daydreams, she certainly wasn’t bulging in the middle and huffing and puffing with every labored step because she was carrying around two extra people in her body. And in her daydreams, she certainly didn’t have a groom who felt obligated to do the right thing. When she married, she wanted to know that she was the only woman for him and he was marrying her for love and forever. Tears stung her eyes and she dashed them away, refusing to cry. But worse than the shattering of her dream wedding was the fact that she wasn’t fit to be Justin’s wife. Who was she? Nobody. With a nobody career of doing nothing of use. She leaned against the Jeep and in the midst of trying to catch her breath, she started to sob, much to her horror, but she couldn’t stop.

  Within seconds, Justin had folded her into his arms and he held her while she soaked his shirt and made a general mess of everything.

  When she thought she could speak, she pulled away with a bleak sadness in her heart. She was suddenly tired and worn out. The humidity and the emotional upset was just too much to handle. She decided to just let it all out. She didn’t have the strength to dance around the truth. “Justin...I can’t marry you. I do love you. But marrying me would be political poison to your campaign and I would never do that to you. You deserve the best and I can’t give you that.”

  “What are you talking about? What do you mean political poison? Are you a secret drug runner or a trafficker in black market babies?” he asked, trying to lighten the mood with a touch of his signature humor but Lilah’s countenance didn’t change.

  “Justin, trust me when I say I’m doing you a kindness when I refuse your offer. I would never sacrifice your future for my happiness in the short term. I didn’t tell you about the babies because I didn’t want to burden you with a family you never asked for. Now, with your political position, I’m the least appropriate candidate for a wife that you could possibly find. I say this, not entirely altruistically, either. I don’t want to subject myself to the scrutiny that would undoubtedly come with the job of being your wife. I’m sorry.”

  “So are you asking me to choose between you and my career?”

  “No, of course not,” she answered, aghast. “I’m telling you there is no choice because I’m not an option. The best thing we could do for each other is to find a way to become friends and then work out a joint custody schedule when the babies are old enough.”

  “No. I won’t live apart from my children.”

  “I don’t see how that’s going to work out seeing as you live in New York and your career is in New York, as well.”

  “Good point. Which is why you ought to move to New York.”

  “That’s not going to happen,” she said seriously, wishing they didn’t have to hash over this particular argument again. “My home is here and this is where I’m happiest. The babies will have a wonderful home here with me. You will always be welcome in their lives, of course.”

  “Lilah,” Justin growled when she turned to climb back into the Jeep. “This matter is not finished.”

  “Yes, it is,” she retorted as she buckled up, trying to ignore the vicious pang in her heart as she continued to maintain her position even as her soul railed at the decision. It was lunacy. She wouldn’t blacken his political career with her past. If the press chose to dig into her life they’d discover her suicide attempt and subsequent commitment. They’d have a field day ripping Justin’s candidacy to shreds. And she simply wouldn’t bear that burden.

  “Lilah, do you hear yourself? You’ve admitted that you love me but you just want to be friends? That doesn’t make sense.”

  “Justin, please just let it go,” she pleaded, her eyes filling again. When he saw how agitated she was becoming, he backed down but it looked like it was killing him to do so. “I’m sorry for making such a mess of everything,” she said quietly, and truly meant it. Someday he’d realize her rejection was a blessing.

  Justin refused to look at her and simply backed away from the Jeep so she could pull onto the highway.

  As she drove away, she let the tears flow. There was no need to wipe them away. She was alone and there was no one to hide them from.

  * * *

  LATER THAT NIGHT AS Justin nursed a beer on his private patio he ignored the call from Rudy. His campaign manager was the last person he wanted to talk to right now. He was confused and soured by the day’s meeting with Lilah. She’d admitted that she loved him, yet she wanted to remain simply friends? She’d said something about being political poison. What did that mean? Clearly, whatever it was, Lilah wasn’t going to share with him. He needed to find out what the big bad secret was and then decide for himself whether it was something he could handle or not.

  Honestly, he didn’t know what to think. He didn’t rightly care what she thought was so horrible that he couldn’t handle because there was nothing he could think of—short of murder—that he couldn’t overlook for her.

  No one was perfect. Hell, if anyone understood that fact better than him, he’d eat his shoe.

  He needed answers. How to get them was the question.

  Justin doubted that her sisters would give her up. And Lilah was such a private person he doubted anyone in town would know what was eating her up. As he finished his last swallow of beer, he remembered the bartender at Rush Tide—Donna.

  She’d seemed to know a bit about Lilah
and had even given him a clue as to her artistic talents. Maybe she’d know more about her personal life, too.

  And maybe with a little luck...she’d clue him into what was so scary in Lilah’s proverbial closet.

  It couldn’t be half as bad as the skeletons rattling around in his.

  At least that’s what he hoped.

  * * *

  HE FOUND DONNA EASILY enough. The bar was hopping and a reggae band played on the small stage. He took a seat at the bar and smiled as he hailed her for a beer.

  “Remember me?” he asked with an engaging grin. He didn’t want to seem as if he were flirting with her but he needed information so he played up the fact that he remembered her, as well. “Donna, right?” he asked.

  “That’s right,” she said with an impressed smile. “How’s it going, handsome?”

  “Could be better,” he admitted. “I was hoping you could help me or at the very least point me in the right direction.”

  “Sure, sugar. I’d be happy to help. What do you need?”

  “Well, I was hoping you could tell me something about Lilah,” he said.

  “You’re still hung up on Lilah Bell? You poor thing. That girl has her head in the clouds most days so unless you can fly, I’d let that one go.”

  He smiled but otherwise kept on course. “Here’s the thing... She’s been acting pretty strange lately.”

  “Pregnant girls do that,” Donna remarked wryly, and then her eyes lit up with avid curiosity. “Are you the father?”

  For a split second he considered lying, only because he hadn’t told anyone in his sphere and he wanted to protect Lilah for as long as possible from the press, but he realized he’d probably have to part with some juicy tidbits before Donna would feel safe sharing what she knew. “Yes, I am,” he said, watching her reaction closely.

  Donna whistled. “Lucky girl, that Lilah. Always did manage to catch the best ones, though I have to admit, she never liked to hold on to them.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Donna started but then thought better of it, saying, “I shouldn’t gossip. Besides, Lilah is my friend and I don’t talk about my friends to strangers. You feeling me? Can I get you a drink?”

  He gave Donna a sardonic look. “Lilah is carrying my babies. I wouldn’t call me a stranger.”

  “Where you been this whole time then?”

  “It’s complicated but I’m here now and I don’t plan to leave again without her. We have some issues to work around but I love her, Donna. I really do. And I need some help here because I’m drowning. She’s got it in her head to just be friends but I want to marry her. I want to put my ring on her finger and give her my name. Does that sound like someone you can trust with a little personal information about your friend?” he asked in earnest.

  Donna regarded him for a long moment as if weighing his declaration, and Justin felt the seconds stretch by with agonizing slowness as he held his breath waiting for her answer.

  A sudden grin broke out on Donna’s face and Justin nearly sagged against the bar in relief as she said, “I’m a sucker for a romantic that’s for sure. Okay, here’s what I know but you’d better not break that girl’s heart or you’re going to have to answer to me. Got it?”

  Justin nodded vigorously. “Deal.”

  “Okay. I always considered Lilah a ‘catch and release’ type of girl. She could catch the guy no problem but she never really found keeping them all that interesting. Sort of like her twin, Lindy, but less in your face about it. Lilah, for as long as I’ve known her, has always been the type to drift. Most times she’s in her own world, which honestly given what happened last year, is not surprising.”

  That piqued Justin’s attention. “What happened last year?”

  “You don’t know? Well, if you don’t know, you probably ought to if you’re of a mind to marry her.” At the shake of his head, she leaned forward to whisper in a low tone, “She tried to kill herself. Walked right into the sea and tried to take a water nap. It was quite the scandal for the sleepy town of St. John. I mean, you just don’t hear that every day. People drown, sure, but they don’t simply walk into the ocean with the intent to end it all. And then of course, because she was deemed a danger to herself, she was committed. It was crazy. No one saw that one coming. Scary, too. I mean, you think you know someone and then pow! They go and do something completely crazy.”

  Justin stared, unable to believe what Donna had shared. He continued to listen and nod at the appropriate spots but his mind was still spinning over the revelation about Lilah.

  That was one helluva skeleton.

  If Rudy found out, he’d advise Justin to steer clear of Lilah. He’d call her a danger to his success. Or as Lilah put it, political poison. He might as well resign his candidacy if he continued to pursue Lilah.

  Logic and reason demanded that he cut ties and even sue for custody. No doubt he’d win given her recent past. But the idea made him feel wretched. His heart didn’t care about her past. Whatever was happening in her life then, certainly wasn’t an issue now. She was committed to being a good mother and in her own way, she was trying to protect him, too.

  He couldn’t walk away. Not even if she wasn’t pregnant. The fact that there were babies involved actually simplified things.

  He would stand by her.

  No matter what.

  He just didn’t know how to make her see that he wasn’t going to walk away.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  “HE ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM?” Lora repeated slowly as if trying to make sure she’d heard Lilah correctly. When Lilah nodded, Lora collapsed against the sofa with her hand over her eyes and groaned. “What did you say?”

  “Of course I said no,” Lilah answered miserably. “He has no idea how having me as a wife would be terrible for his career.”

  At that Lora dropped her hand to stare at Lilah. “Wait...why’d you say no? To protect his career?”

  “Well, yes. Mostly.” Lilah fidgeted with the fringe on her sarong. “I mean, I don’t want to be given a marriage proposal that’s based on the fact that I’m pregnant, but aside from that he has a good shot of becoming the next New York senator and I couldn’t possibly ruin that for him without dying inside from guilt.”

  “Lilah...do you have feelings for this guy?”

  Lilah bit her lip, hesitant to admit her private thoughts about Justin Cales, but she supposed her sister had a right to know seeing as she was standing so staunchly behind her in the matter. “Yes. I—I think I love him.”

  Lora groaned and rose from the sofa. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? That changes everything, wouldn’t you say? He loves you, you love him... Why are you pushing him away? And don’t give me that line of bull about his damn career. If he’s willing to take the risk, then you ought to let him.”

  Lilah stared at her older sister, hating that she so easily stripped away her defenses and left her bare and shivering in the open. “He deserves better than me, okay?” she answered stiffly, hating how pathetic she sounded.

  “Better?” Lora repeated. “What a crock. You’re scared. This is real stuff. Time to grow up, honey. We’ve always protected you, thinking that you’re the fragile one in the family, and you’ve always chafed at that protection. Well, now is the time to show your strength. Show us all that we’ve been spending all this time and effort for no reason. Heath has always maintained that you’re stronger than we give you credit. Here’s your moment. Stop giv
ing up. Fight for your man, girl! When Heath fell off the roof and cracked his head open, I sat by his bed every moment, baring my miserable soul in the hopes that he’d hear me and come back to me so I could spend the rest of my life showing him how much I love him. Stand up to the people who dare to say you’re not good enough to be a senator’s wife. We all believe in you. It’s time for you to believe in yourself.”

  “If the press finds out about my suicide attempt...it’ll be a massacre. I won’t be his Achilles’ heel.”

  “What if you already are? I’m pretty sure he’s not going to leave without you.”

  “Damn straight I’m not.”

  Justin’s voice startled them both as he stood framed in the doorway of the private section. He had eyes only for Lilah, and Lora’s mouth tipped in a small, almost approving smile.

  “I’ll leave you two to talk,” Lora said, exiting the room quickly.

  Lilah’s traitorous pulse quickened at the sight of him. Perhaps it would’ve been easier to ignore him if he hadn’t been so damn handsome. That mischievous smile could do her in.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Talking some sense into your stubborn head.”

  Lilah sighed. “I don’t want to go over this again. I told you—”

  “I know what happened last summer.”

  His flat statement stopped her cold and the air squeezed from her lungs in a horrified wheeze. He strode toward her and without giving her a chance to protest, simply kissed her until she was unable to remember the good reasons she was pushing him away. She clung to him, desperate to feel him against her again, buffeted by the sweet memories of their time together. All too soon, he pulled away and she nearly whimpered with disappointment.

  “Lilah,” he murmured, pressing his forehead to hers in a tender gesture. “It chills my blood to think that I might not ever have met you. That these babies—” his hand slid down to caress her belly “—might not have been. You’re the most amazing gift in my life and you’re gracing me with two little people with half of you as part of them. I don’t care what anyone says. I will quit my campaign and walk away. I have a master’s degree in business, I can get a job doing something else. If you’re worried about me being able to support you, don’t. I will always find a way to support my family.”