What I've Done

by Jen Naumann

  Silent tears stream down my face. “I don’t deserve your kindness after everything I’ve done.”

  He leans in to kiss my cheek, letting his lips linger on my skin. “All you are guilty of is caring for the people in your life. I can’t hold that against you.”

  I pull him down with me onto the bed, intending to show him just how much love I feel for him. He wraps his arms around my body and nuzzles his smooth face into my neck. I feel more alive than ever with the arrival of goose bumps that spread all over me every time his warm breath meets my skin.

  I know the feelings I have for him are that of being totally in love with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, just as easily as I know how to breathe.

  “I love you,” I whisper, desperation striking me squarely in the chest.

  “I love you,” he answers with matching fervor.

  His eyes close and he brings his lips down to mine, his intentions starting as tentative at first but rapidly increasing into a passionate exchange that has us both pulling and tugging at each other’s hair and clothing. His hand slides down my thigh, pulling my leg up so it is wrapped around him. As his soft lips cause welcoming warmth to pass through me, my head swirls with an overwhelming trail of thoughts and emotions that come at me in such rapid speed it is difficult to process them all.

  I want to feel every part of him and know this may be our only chance to be together as something monumental is about to happen between us that may never be repaired. He has either seen my thoughts before this moment or he feels the same way as he tenderly begins removing my pajamas, kissing each inch of skin as it becomes exposed.

  * * *

  We lay silently wrapped in each other’s arms until the sun is fully up. Words are no longer necessary to show each other how we feel. I decide his smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen as he looks over at me and tenderly brushes my face with his fingers. I never knew happiness could be this intense and hope the feeling of it never fades away.

  Eli sneaks out before anyone else is awake and promises to meet up with me later. I hum happily as I get ready for the day. Svetlana gives me a ride to work once she is up.

  Kalia and I are the only ones at the shop today. By the strange looks she keeps giving me I can tell she is puzzled by my over-the-moon attitude.

  “I can close the shop for you tonight,” I tell her.

  She smirks, leaning back and resting her feet on the chair beside her. “That would be excellent. You suppose you could run to the bank and take inventory for me, too? Maybe even do my taxes and stuff?”

  “Sure.” I nod enthusiastically, not totally listening to her but also willing to do whatever she wants anyway. I am dumfounded by the powerful love I am feeling for Eli.

  She giggles and reaches out to slap my shoulder. “I was joking. Why are you in such a good mood? Are you meeting with Gabe later?”

  The mention of Gabe’s name brings small ripples of fear to mind. I haven’t seen him since envisioning choking him to death. He has a way of bringing out a dark side of me I didn’t know existed and hope to never see again. I try to convince myself it is only his influence on me, but I know that to be an outright lie. The anger I have carried around ever since my father died had festered inside for so long it was bound to come out sooner or later. I had always just hoped it would be later, and wasn’t pleased when it reared its ugly head for Gabe.

  “I just finally got a good night of sleep,” I tell Kalia.

  My mind tries to go elsewhere but Kalia catches the glimmer of annoyance in my voice. She looks borderline ridiculous with her menacing look of crossed arms and stern face.

  I try to emulate her serious expression. “What?”

  She narrows her eyes, completely un-phased by my mocking gesture. “Your behavior has been all over the place the last couple of days. I just want to make sure you haven’t been making any hard and fast decisions. You have lots of time for that, Lily.”

  My playful mood is dropped like a bad habit. “Not according to Eli and Gabe.”

  “Are they pressuring you to make a decision?” she asks, her eyebrows scrunched together.

  “It’s not that. Something is going to happen to Rose, and soon. Eli won’t tell me the details, of course, but Gabe assures me I don’t have much time before it will happen.”

  Kalia snorts incredulously. “You don’t think Gabe has anything to gain by having you believe that?”

  “I don’t think he’s making it up, Kalia. At some point my mom’s drug dealer from Minnesota is going to find us. He will try to kill Rose. Gabe has been showing me ways I can maybe protect us from him.” I try to mask the displeasure of the whole experience as best as I can, but I am not able to talk any more about it.

  The morning has a slight chill in the air, which seems appropriate with the threat of impending doom that is yet to come. I look past the shop’s entrance to see the ocean faithfully lapping onto the shore, a soothing noise I have come to depend on as part of my daily routine.

  Kalia reaches out to hold me by my arms with her expression grave. “Lily, you need to listen carefully to me. Just because I am friends with Gabe doesn’t mean I agree with what he is or what he stands for. I don’t know that I would choose to be an angel of darkness, if it were a choice I had to make.”

  I roll my eyes to the sky and moan. “Why are you telling me this now? You were all for me being with Gabe up until this very second. You said the angel of darkness wasn’t an evil thing and that I shouldn’t be afraid of him.”

  She sighs and spins away from me. “I was once in love and I know how it feels, Lily. You may be mad at Eli for telling you half-truths or purposely keeping things from you, but he only does it because he cares. I have seen the light in your eyes when you talk about him. I think what you have with Gabe may be nothing more than his influences on you, and it scares me to think you may throw away your only chance at true love for something you don’t believe in your heart.”

  These were things I had been telling myself all along, but they sound different coming from someone else. Kalia’s shoulders shutter slightly before I realize she is crying. I step forward, using great care when placing my hand on the small of her back.

  “I’m sorry, Kalia. It doesn’t seem fair that you gave up everything to lose the person you wanted to spend forever with.”

  She inhales deeply before turning to me, her eyes blazing with warning and desperation. “No one knows how long they will live on this earth. You have to live every moment to its fullest and not make any mistakes that you can’t take back. The only comfort you can take is that you will see each other again one day, even if nothing will ever be the same. But if you choose to do something irrational—something that will jeopardize your chance at being with Eli ever again, you will spend a lifetime regretting it.”

  The hurt behind her words is unmistakable—Kalia is holding on to regret over something she had done. But since she told me the human she fell for died in a surfing accident, I can’t imagine what else she could mean. I decide it is none of my business and she would tell me if she wanted me to know.

  Instead I throw my arms around her tiny waist and squeeze before letting go. “I promise to follow my heart if you will promise me something in return.”

  Her lips return to a pleased but tear-streaked smile. “You name it.”

  “Help Svetlana take care of Rose. If for any reason…just promise me you’ll make sure she is taken care of, for me.” The words “if I die” are impossible to say out loud, but from the panged look she gives me I know she gets my intension.

  Her gaze is steady and filled with promise. “I will.”

  * * *

  As amazing as I feel when the day continues on, it is almost possible to forget there is a man planning to kill my little sister. The shop seems unusually busy, which thankfully keeps my mind from rehashing the tender moments Eli and I had shared just hours ago. My mind can get lost all too easily when absorbed on him.

&nbs
p; At lunchtime the air is a bit warmer, but a cool breeze still passes by occasionally, causing little bouts of chills to race through me. The sun is hiding behind the clouds with no promise of showing itself anytime soon and I can’t help but wonder if it is a sign of things to come.

  After grabbing a taco from the stand across the street, I suddenly know what it is I have to do. The idea comes to me from nowhere and I grow suspicious of how it even came to be.

  My feet are almost unwilling to carry me to the public bathrooms where the money had been hidden so long ago. The key has been placed faithfully in my pocket every morning and I remove it now to stare down at the piece of metal before placing it in the locker. As I reach in to grab the bag of stolen money I am hit with a wave of regret so strong that I almost crumple to the floor.

  Trembling, I throw the bag of money over my shoulder and drudge my way back to the shop. A mere second passes after I return before I can feel something changing around me. The air has turned stale and even seems to be menacing. Kalia is handing a customer his change at the counter and nothing seems out of place. Yet somehow I know this is it, the moment Gabe had warned me about.

  CHAPTER 12

  I feel oddly prepared when I turn back to the entrance of the shop and see Johnny slither in, just as Gabe had told me he would. Johnny isn’t looking any better than when I saw him last. It almost looks as if he is wearing the same clothing as the last time. There is an overall disheveled look about him now, making him appear to have completely lost his mind in his quest to get to me.

  His eyes dart to the bag in my hands and he smirks, his crooked teeth flashing from underneath his thin, dry lips. “Little Lilly. I knew you had my money.”

  I throw the bag of cash down between us, my expression hard. My new abilities are raging through me and I feel unusually strong. “I didn’t touch it. It’s all still there.”

  He glowers at me before taking a step closer and looking suspiciously around the store. The customer Kalia had been finishing up with walks past us, taking more than one glance at each of us before scurrying from the store. Kalia must know what is happening—she stands behind the counter watching us with an unmistakable look of dread frozen on her face.

  “What’s the catch?” Johnny asks, deciding Kalia doesn’t look like any kind of threat. “You got cops waiting out back or somethin’?”

  I know I should be terrified of this man that most likely is carrying some type of weapon and wouldn’t think twice about doing me harm, but I can’t see past the seething red hatred raging through my veins. My pulse begins to race wildly just having him stand so close to me.

  “No,” I say coldly. “Just take your money and leave.”

  His smile becomes wider and his crooked teeth seem to be getting longer. He looks more like a sick animal about to attack. “You are such a pretty girl, Lily. You and me could get a lot of money if you decided to work for me, you know.”

  The revolting visions of what he is proposing fill my head and I have to shake them out. “That will never happen. You should leave before I change my mind.”

  “Change your mind about what?” His tone becomes more threatening. “You think I’m going to just leave you and your little sister as loose ends?”

  I am able to close the few dozen feet that are between us in a fraction of a second. He blinks in disbelief when my face looms just inches from his. His unclean stench assaults my nostrils, making me detest him even more.

  “You tried to kill my mother and now you’re threatening my little sister? You’re nothing more than a complete dirt bag. I would be doing the world a favor if I were to end your life.”

  The words are so foreign to my own ears but feel natural coming from my lips. I have never felt so alive. My new abilities rage through me and I want to curl my fingers around his neck to stop the air from passing through his throat, just as I had done to Gabe. Beads of sweat are forming around Johnny’s forehead, although he tries to keep a brave front.

  He laughs nervously and roughly grabs me by my arms. “You’re going to end it? You think I’m afraid of a little girl like you?”

  Gabe strolls into the shop with a casual air, but he is grinning with pleasure at what he is seeing. “I wouldn’t be so quick to judge her.”

  Johnny jumps in surprise and drops my arm. “What are you doing here?”

  There is a tone to his voice alluding to the fact that he knows Gabe. But I discard the thought with the same speed as it had sprung into my mind. There would be no reason for the two of them to have met.

  Gabe positions himself behind me and lowers his head to whisper into my ear. “End him, Lily. Show him the consequences for what he did to your mother. You remember the horrible black eye and broken leg he gave her and how she screamed as he pulled her outside by her hair. Make him feel that same pain.”

  My stomach lurches as the very memories he speaks of come flooding back to me.

  Johnny looks nothing if not flabbergasted when he turns to Gabe. “What are you talking about? You’re the one that told me to come here today and kill her. What is going on?”

  All at once I feel a burning constriction in my chest. My eyes jump from Johnny to Gabe. “You told him to come?”

  Gabe’s stare meets mine but there is something behind them, coaxing me not to be upset with him. I try to fight off their calming effect, knowing something is not right.

  “Lily,” Kalia warns in a low voice.

  My shaking hand reaches out toward Johnny, intending to choke the life out of him. His beady eyes widened with fear when he realizes I am about to do as Gabe suggests. He begins yelling as my hands clamp onto his arm, but he cannot break free. My will is stronger than his.

  “Lily!” My name resonates from the entrance of the shop, snapping me back into reality.

  Eli comes running toward me from the entrance. The sight of him is all it takes for me to know I am about to make a terrible mistake. I step away from Johnny as if he is diseased, but all at once he stops moving. A pained expression of fear is frozen on his face and his entire body is still but standing upright.

  I know without having to ask that his condition is due to some kind of an angel thing. Which of the two angles has done this to him, I don’t know. Conflicting emotions rage through me as I look from Gabe to Eli, wondering how this will end.

  “Now is your chance, Lily,” Gabe says, his voice barely above a whisper. “This man came to kill your little sister. If you let him go now, he’ll keep coming after you until he has finished the job. It won’t be over until you end him.”

  Rose is not here for Johnny to harm but Gabe is right—if I take care of Johnny now he won’t be a threat to us ever again.

  Eli stops a few feet away, holding his arm out to me. “Think about what he is telling you to do. You can’t kill someone, Lily. It’s not in your nature. Just because you are part angel doesn’t mean you are unstoppable. You could still spend the rest of your life in prison. What would happen to Rose then?”

  “What about free will?” I ask. “Why are you trying to stop me?”

  His eyes soothe over me and his words are slow. “I can’t let you do this. It’s not you.”

  There is an aching in my heart that makes me want to run to him. But anger sweeps through me and takes over every other emotion. I reel on my heels to confront him.

  “Why didn’t you tell me he was going to try to kill Rose? You knew, but you did nothing to warn me! I am starting to believe Gabe, and think everything you told me was just your way of getting me to choose your side. Do you even love me the way you said you did? Or was that just another lie so you could get your way?”

  He flinches at my hateful words, pausing long enough to let them roll off his back.

  “You know I love you. This whole situation we’re in right now is exactly what I was warning you about. Gabe is influencing you as we speak. Lily, if you kill this man now, you are making your final choice to be in the darkness with him. If you search your heart, you’ll know
this isn’t what you want. He isn’t what you want.”

  I begin to shake when the rage for Johnny completely takes me over. But the goodness in me continues to fight its way through, knowing it is wrong to hurt him. I can feel the conflicting sides of me struggling with each other, demanding to be heard.

  Eli steps closer to me. “I told you I would fall for you, and I meant every word I said.”

  The realization of what my heart has been trying to say finally breaks through all the influences Gabe has placed on me. I can almost feel them physically breaking away from me.

  I look into Eli’s eyes and remember he had always been the one I want to be with. I fell in love with him the day I first laid eyes on him. Everything since had just been Gabe trying to win me over. My heart has always held on to Eli, no matter what my crazy mind has tried to convince me.

  A whimper sounds from somewhere in the room, but it is a second before I realize the noise had come from me. “I love you,” I whisper, reaching out for Eli.

  Before I can get to him, however, Gabe grabs my shoulders and roughly pulls me toward him. Eli leaps forward just as Gabe reaches out to wrap one hand around Johnny’s frozen neck, squeezing as hard as his angel abilities will allow. Johnny’s body bursts into what seems like billions of little pieces, shattering as if he is made out of glass. The seemingly bloodless pieces of his body scatter all throughout the shop, some of them falling against my feet. Never in a thousand years would I have dreamed the human body could do anything like that.

  A booming, terror-filled scream leaves my lungs and I begin beating at Gabe’s chest.

  “Let me go!” I yell at him, flailing my arms to break free.

  As I continue to struggle, an intense heat begins shooting from Gabe and he makes some kind of guttural noise. I gasp and step away as I see the whites of his eyes turn black. His body shutters intensely with the heat coming from him.