Forever & an Engine (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘O god baby, tell me more,’ he sighed. I watched fascinated as he tightened his grip on himself as he stroked.

  ‘I’m kissing you and our hands are all over each other, you’re so desperate to fuck me, but I want to take you in my hand first, so I slide it down into your waistband and grip you hard. I keep stroking you again and again until you pull me off you, throw me on the bed, rip off my knickers and …’

  ‘Miaaaa,’ his hand closed tightly over himself as he shuddered and opened his eyes to look at me.

  ‘Wow I’m good, I thought that would take longer, I had a whole kinky bondage story to play out,’ I smiled and he laughed.

  ‘You’re amazing Mia, just hearing and imaging you was enough.’ He disappeared into the bathroom and I heard him running the tap.

  ‘Do you feel better now?’ I called.

  ‘God yes and I’m liking that little hotel and bondage scenario. We may have to play that out one day.’

  ‘Pervert.’

  ‘You came up with it. Are we eating or what? I suddenly have a ravenous appetite for food,’ he said as he came back in and kissed me gently then tugged on my lower lip as he looked at me, full of love and I returned the gaze with equal intensity. He already looked better and more relaxed.

  He uncovered the plates and we had four slices of what would’ve been hot buttered toast, but was now just warm, but there were also some little mini muffins and French custard pastries. He handed me some toast which I happily chewed on as he poured us both a coffee. I made him come and sit on the bed with me and he put his arm around my shoulder and broke up the cakes and fed alternate pieces to me. I felt better for eating. There was another knock at the door and a new, much older nurse came in. Gabe kissed my temple and got off the bed as she pulled the table out of the way.

  ‘Hi Mia, I’m Agnes and I’m on duty now until tomorrow morning. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Ok, a bit tired and I’m up and down, emotionally.’

  ‘Well that’s to be expected,’ she smiled. ‘I’m going to take you off the morphine drip, remove your cannula and put a plaster on the puncture mark. It may sting a little.’

  I felt it slide out and winced and watched her put a dressing over the top. Much to Gabe’s chagrin she insisted he wait outside while she checked my stomach dressings and he left with a scowl which made me giggle. He really didn’t like being told what to do, especially by women. I was mortified to discover blood all over my gown and the bottom sheet, but she assured me it was normal and I was likely to bleed for a couple of days. I was grateful she’d sent him out, I’d have hated him to see me like this, let alone that he’d already been through enough today. With the pulley and her help I managed to get out of the bed, feeling incredibly stiff and tight in the torso. I held her hand and walked gingerly to the toilet and she helped lower me down to sit on it.

  ‘I’m going to strip your bed and will be back in a minute with some fresh sheets and sanitary towels, then we’ll get you out of that gown and cleaned up.’ She disappeared and I heard the rustle of the bedding and the then the outer door shut and just as suddenly re-open as I heard Gabe shout.

  ‘Mia what’s wrong? There was blood all over the sheets.’

  ‘Gabe no, don’t come in,’ I cried. It was too late, he stood in the bathroom staring at me in horror, as I sat there in my gowns with bright red blood all over them. I covered my eyes with my hands. ‘It’s fine, I’m fine, apparently it’s normal to have some bleeding, but I don’t want you to see me like this, please go out.’

  ‘Mia I love you, I don’t care.’

  ‘I care. Please go in the bedroom and wait. If you can get my Westhampton Uni t-shirt out of the drawer and a pair of my black knickers and give them to Agnes when she gets back in that would be great.’ I looked through my fingers to see him looking at me still. ‘GABE.’

  ‘Mia, why you? Why did this have to happen to you?’ He crouched at my side took my hand and kissed it. ‘You don’t deserve this baby.’

  ‘Do you ever do as you’re told?’ I sighed.

  ‘When I want to. You should never feel like you have to hide any side of yourself from me Mia. When I saw the sheets … god I thought something was seriously wrong.’

  ‘Gabe, you really don’t need all this shit a few weeks into a relationship,’ I sighed. I was terrified of him walking away, this was a lot for anyone to deal with.

  ‘I need you baby. I’d rather take a day of shit with you, than have a hundred normal days with anyone else,’ he smiled as he kissed my hand.

  ‘Urghhhh. You’re so infuriatingly romantic and when I’m sitting here looking like this. How do you do it?’

  He just smiled, stood up and kissed the top of my head went into the bedroom. I heard Agnes return and she came in and closed the door armed with a bag of sanitary towels, some moist wipes and my clothes and helped me out of the gowns. She looked away as I cleaned myself up and helped me pull on my t-shirt and pulled my knickers up to my knees for me before handing me a product.

  ‘Right, try and have a walk about with your boyfriend to support you, then back to bed.’

  I smiled as she left and stuck on the towel and sighed. I’d not used one of these since my first few periods at aged 12, I hated the bloody things. I gripped onto the grab rail and carefully stood up. The actual getting up or sitting down seemed to hurt the most, the lying, standing and walking was ok. I carefully shuffled my pants up over the two lower dressings, glad I’d chosen low line knickers to avoid cutting across the naval incision. I pulled down my t-shirt and walked over to the mirror. I looked seriously pale and tired. Gabe knocked and came in.

  ‘Ok baby?’

  ‘Yes, Agnes said I need to walk. Will you come with me?’

  ‘I’m not letting you go anywhere dressed like that Mia. Is that really the longest top you had?’

  ‘I have my dressing gown jealous boy,’ I said with an amused smile.

  He helped me put it on, along with my slippers and gave me his arm and we walked up and down the corridor back and forth for about fifteen minutes.

  ‘Ok you’ve gone even paler, if that’s possible, I want you back in bed now.’

  ‘Ooooo don’t say things like that, you’ll get me all horny.’

  ‘You need to have a sleep Mia and get sex off your brain until you’re better.’

  ‘Ok, Mr Bossy’s back it seems.’ I kicked off my slippers as he took off my dressing gown and helped me back into bed. I turned on the TV and reclined the bed to a half lying down position shuffling to the edge.

  ‘Mia I’d be a lot happier if you were in the middle so you don’t fall out.’

  ‘I was hoping you’d come and get on it with me again.’

  ‘Baby you need to sleep.’

  ‘I can sleep with you on the bed with me, please Gabe,’ I pleaded. He sighed and climbed up and put his arm around my shoulder and pulled my head onto his chest as he stroked my arm. ‘Gabe?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘It really means a lot that you were here today, for me and for Lexi. Thank you,’ I whispered and felt my eyes fill up.

  ‘You’re welcome baby, you’re crying again, do you need a tissue?’

  ‘No I’m good. I love you.’

  ‘I love you,’ he whispered planting a kiss on my forehead. ‘Now please close your eyes and go to sleep before I get mad again.’

  I was woken up by him gently nosing my hair. ‘Mia?’

  ‘Hmmm.’

  ‘Dinners here.’

  ‘Did I sleep long?’ I asked as I opened my eyes yawning.

  ‘About an hour.’

  ‘And you still have your arm around me?’

  ‘Yes, you looked really comfortable, so I didn’t want to disturb you.’

  ‘Did you sleep?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Were you watching me again?’

  ‘Yes, I wanted to make sure you were ok, no breathing problems or anything after the anaesthetic,’ he smiled and I burst into tears. ‘God w
hat’s wrong baby? Are you in pain?’

  ‘No, I just love you.’ I sobbed as I buried my face in his chest and took a deep breath of his soothing scent.

  ‘Why are you crying?’

  ‘I don’t know, you’re being so nice to me and taking care of me so well and I’m not used to that from a man. I feel really emotional.’

  ‘You’re tired, it’s been a tough day. Come on have some dinner. I picked asparagus spears with hollandaise, a roast chicken dinner with bread sauce and then a white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake.’ He smiled at me as I lifted my face up to look at him. ‘Did I chose ok?’

  ‘Yes thank you. Are you having something?’ I sniffed as he wiped my tears.

  ‘Yes I chose the same as you. Come on baby, eat for me and you’ll feel better.’

  He was right, the food was good and really cheered me up. We both ate quickly we were so hungry and I knocked back the apple juice he’d ordered for me. He pulled the table away and sat on the side of the bed facing me.

  ‘So what was it like going under?’

  ‘You’ve never had an operation?’

  ‘Never been in hospital, other than being born.’

  ‘They injected me with something and I went really woozy. I remember counting from ten to seven and then nothing until I woke up.’

  ‘No dreams?’ he asked surprised and I frowned trying to remember what it was like.

  ‘No, it’s really weird, just like my last op, I knew a long time had passed, but at the same time I couldn’t remember anything. I remember crying when I first woke up and then voices, but nothing else until I woke up here with you and the nurse came in and took my mask off.’

  ‘You seriously don’t remember your conversations with me?’

  ‘What conversations?’

  ‘You were so delirious it was quite funny.’

  ‘What did I say?’

  ‘Stuff about me,’ he said smiling.

  ‘What stuff?’ I said groaning.

  ‘How much you loved me, how sexy I was, how big I was and you were pretty graphic about some scenario’s you wanted to try out.’

  ‘O shit really?’

  ‘O yes,’ he nodded, happily.

  ‘Not in front of the nurse?’

  ‘No, we were alone thank god.’

  ‘I hope you committed them to memory so we can try them out,’ I smiled.

  ‘Trust me, I won’t forget a couple of those in a hurry.’

  ‘Lexi’s not rung me back Gabe, I’m worried about her,’ I sighed.

  ‘Doug text me earlier to say she’d just woken up. I’m sure she’ll ring shortly.’ He smiled at me quickly, then frowned. ‘Mia, when can we talk about your diagnosis?’

  ‘What’s to talk about? It is what it is,’ I said with a shrug.

  ‘You really have no feelings on the matter?’

  ‘I’m relieved to know what’s wrong and that I can discuss what we can do to help with the attacks and the period pains yes,’ I had a feeling that wasn’t where he was going with this line of enquiry and broke eye contact.

  ‘I meant the other stuff, don’t you remember what she said?’

  ‘The part where she doesn’t think I can have children?’ I quickly looked up at him and he quickly looked down, avoiding eye contact with me this time.

  ‘Yes, you just don’t seem to have had a reaction to it.’

  ‘Gabe I don’t want to fight again,’ I sighed. ‘I’m tired, I don’t need this now.’

  ‘We’re not fighting, we’re talking.’

  ‘No you’re trying to make me feel something again when I don’t.’

  ‘I can’t make you feel anything you don’t Mia, I just want you to know that if you need to talk I’m here.’

  ‘I’m sorry Gabe, but the children thing just really pushes my buttons.’

  ‘Yes you’ve already made that perfectly clear,’ he said with a heavy sigh as he stood up and walked over to the window and stared out of it.

  ‘Gabe please don’t be like that.’

  ‘Like what Mia?’ He was short and sharp.

  ‘You seem mad with me again and you’re not even looking at me.’ He turned around to face me and I wished hadn’t. I could tell in his eyes he was angry again.

  ‘So it’s only ok when you shut down? You only ever talk to me when it’s on your terms Mia, I find it so frustrating. I want to be here for you but I can’t if you won’t let me. You keep shutting me out when it comes to important things.’

  ‘Gabe please, I’m not trying to shut you out. I’ve never been good at this. I told you that from the start, I warned you.’

  ‘This is why you wanted no strings, to avoid having to be honest with anyone? With me?’

  ‘I’ve been honest about my feelings for you Gabe. The rest of the stuff, that’s what I’m not good with. If I don’t understand it all myself, how can I even try to talk to you?’

  ‘I thought that’s how a relationship helps people Mia. You share things, it makes you close.’

  ‘You don’t feel close to me?’ I whispered, looking at him horrified. I’d already shared more with him than any other boyfriend.

  ‘Mia, sometimes I feel so close to you it’s like you’re a part of me, I understand you so well. Then suddenly you shut the door on me and I’m on the outside looking in and it hurts.’ He walked over and sat on the spare bed facing me.

  ‘Gabe I’m not shutting any doors, I’m really trying, I promise I am, but it’s only been a few weeks, you need to give me time. I can’t fill you in on 18 years of my life, 18 years of my issues and fears overnight.’

  ‘I don’t expect you to Mia, just talk to me about the ones that confront us as they happen. You didn’t yesterday and look how that turned out.’

  ‘Gabe please, it’s been a really physically and emotionally tiring day and on top of that I’m worried that I haven’t heard from my best friend who really needs me today. I just don’t need all this extra shit.’ I pulled off the bedclothes and eased myself to the edge of the bed, I needed out of here for a while, to step back from him when he was in one of these moods. I wanted to go and phone Lexi and she if she was ok.

  ‘Mia stay in bed.’

  ‘No, I’m getting up.’ I pushed myself up too quickly and felt my head spinning and started to wobble. I reached out to grab the bedside table and missed and felt myself falling, suddenly his arms were around me. He bent down and carefully lifted up my legs and I gasped at the pull in my stomach as he held me in his arms and looked down at me and sighed. ‘Please don’t do that, it’s not fair,’ I groaned.

  ‘What’s not fair?’

  ‘I’m mad with you for pushing me to talk, but you’re being all chivalrous, manly and loving and sweet when you’ve no reason to be and it’s too much.’

  ‘It’s not too much, it’s what you need right now, I’m sorry for pushing you.’

  ‘It’s just too much to talk today Gabe, please don’t make me talk about it.’

  ‘Ok we don’t have to talk today.’ He lay me back down in my bed and sighed as I felt tears start to roll down my face.

  ‘Great now I’m crying, why am I bloody crying again?’ I moaned. He stroked my cheek and I nuzzled into his hand sobbing. ‘I miss Lexi, why hasn’t she called me Gabe?’

  ‘Mia it’s been a long day and you’re tired. They warned me you may feel emotional and tearful after the anaesthetic. I’m going to phone Doug and ask him to put Lexi on so you can talk to her, then you’re going back to sleep. It’s ok baby, it’s going to be ok.’ I felt his lips on the side of my head, which made me cry even harder. I watched through my tears as he dug his phone out of his pocket and held it to his ear.

  ‘Doug, it’s me. What the hell’s going on? We’ve not heard from either of you since your last text and I’ve got Mia here in tears about Lexi. Call me straight away,’ he snapped.

  ‘No answer?’

  ‘No, went straight to his answer machine.’

  ‘What if something’s happene
d Gabe?’ I sobbed, my imagination was running away with me. ‘What if she convinced Doug she was fine? What if she’s bleeding really badly? What if she’s fallen over and hurt herself and she’s lying there alone?’

  ‘I’ll try the landline and if there’s no reply I’m ringing Doug’s parents to go and check on them. Mia you need to stop crying baby, you need to rest. I’m just going to check that there haven’t been any messages left at the nurses station ok?’

  ‘Ok.’ I wiped my eyes on my sheet and just when I thought I’d stopped, the tears started again. I looked up when I heard the door and saw Agnes.

  ‘Mia, I’ve bought you some medication sweetheart. Some painkillers to see you through the night and something to help you relax.’

  ‘I don’t need them thank you,’ I sniffed.

  ‘You think you don’t because some of the drugs are still in your system, but when they wear off you’re going to be very uncomfortable so I need you to take them for me now ok.’ She handed me a little paper cup with three pills in and walked around the bed and passed me a cup of water. ‘Come on Mia, swallow them and I’ll go and get you a box of tissues and a hot drink and take your blood pressure again.’

  I knocked the tablets back and grimaced at the taste, ‘Ewwwww.’

  ‘There’re not pleasant are they? What would you like a tea, coffee? Hot chocolate?’ she asked. Hot chocolate reminded me of Lexi, she would have got me one, she always got me one when I was feeling down and that started me crying again.

  ‘She likes hot chocolate with two sugars please Agnes and I’d love a cup of black coffee.’

  ‘Of course, I’ll be back shortly. Mia’s just had her tablets, so I suggest you help her now if she needs the bathroom as they should take effect quite quickly.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  I watched Agnes leave, rubbing my eyes and looked at him. ‘What’s going on?’