Under The Peaches (Teaching Love Series Book 1)

by Shana Vanterpool

I attempt to shake off my feeling of unease, but it sticks to me as we talk aimlessly about safe topics.

  I rest my cheek on my knees and stare out the window. How do you become worthy of someone? Is it even possible? Or is it more about being worthy of yourself, of the emotions you fear, and of the confidence that doesn’t seem real?

  Am I capable of meaning that much to another person, or able to at least accept I might? I don’t doubt Julian cares about me. I know he does. I have this feeling no matter what I do I will never be enough for him, because deep down I’m not enough for myself, and he will always be absolutely everything to me.

  Eventually, he pulls over into the slow lane. “There was a sign for a hotel back there. I’m pretty beat. You want to get something to eat and stay the night?”

  “You didn’t sleep last night,” I remind him, smiling a little.

  The lion traps me with his hungry gaze. “I had a hell of a time not sleeping. I hope I don’t sleep tonight either.”

  I bring my hand down on his thigh and trail my fingers over his jean-clad leg. “Something tells me you’re going to be beat tomorrow too.”

  Before he can answer, his cell rings. I should be thankful. After all, he’s driving and I’m in the mood to remind him how much I appreciate him. Julian’s a capable man, but driving and having sex seems beyond even him.

  He sighs and pulls it out of his pocket. One glance at the caller ID makes him roll his eyes. “Yes, mother? I told you it would take a couple of days.” As he drives he eases the Volkswagen off the exit. “I’m not putting it off. I understand you’re excited. I am as well. Trust me. I’m doing my excited face.” He makes a face at me and I laugh. “I would never laugh at you.” His playful demeanor begins to slowly fall. “I know it’s been a long time since I’ve been home.” Julian scratches his jaw and frowns. “I did not choose a woman over my family. I chose a life. Yeah, I know I was wrong. Oh, come on. That’s not fair.” I know the next time he sighs, he’s given in to whatever guilt trip his mother has laid on him. He eases the car into a gas station and adjoining hotel and restaurant. “I’ll get there as soon as I can. Happy?” he grumbles, angrily shoving the car into park. “Bye.”

  I bite my lip to keep from laughing. “Remind me to try that on you.”

  “She’s been doing that to me since I was a little boy. It’s sick I tell you. Let’s go eat.”

  When we’re walking across the parking lot, he grabs my hand. It’s a simple gesture, but I feel like he just claimed me in front of everyone. I tangle our fingers together and we walk into the restaurant. We’re getting to a point where these normal everyday things are not lost on me. The possibility of everyday normal things becoming my norm terrifies me.

  I slide in the booth across from him as the waitress, perky and amber-haired, speaks to him about today’s specials. She talks animatedly about the T-bone steak and I attempt not to interrupt her with my own special vocabulary. I suppose I can’t blame her. He is particularly good-looking right now. His eyes are kind of sleepy, giving them a heavy-lidded appearance.

  “So, those are the specials. Would you like to order something to drink?” the waitress implores flirtatiously as her eyes roam over his chest.

  Julian smiles privately and meets her gaze boldly. “I’ll have a Dr. Pepper. Kael?”

  “Dr. Pepper’s fine.”

  “What about appetizers?”

  “We’ll just order. Give us a few?” he requests.

  She smiles a little. “Of course.”

  As soon as she’s gone I contemplate jumping over the table. I know this isn’t all there is to a relationship. There must be more, has to be more. Words, love, and conversations that change us. But I can’t get past Julian to get to them right now. I’ll save them for later. I just want him. Naked. Wrapped around me. My name on his lips. I take a deep breath and look down at my menu. My mood does not mix with the images of chicken fried steak and sausage gravy plastered all over my menu.

  “I take it we’re not going to have our week together?”

  “Once you meet my mom you’ll see how hard it is to tell her no.” He runs a hand through his hair, appearing exhausted suddenly. Still, he gives me a tired smile. “It seems her new favorite line is their age.”

  “How old are they?”

  “Mom’s sixty and dad’s seventy-five. They had Clara and me late in life. Mom was sure she couldn’t have children, and then she ended up pregnant with Clara. I followed two years later. But the point is, Kael, she’s full of crap. I wonder how long Clara’s been falling for it.”

  Hearing him talk about his family made me feel strange. It’s hard to think he’s adorable and mourn for myself. How can I be what he wants when I have no idea how to do it? Julian clearly had great examples. Who would I be without those?

  “I wish I could be meeting your family as well,” he states cautiously.

  “Me too,” I force out. I bring my menu to hide my face. I don’t want to be mean to him.

  “If you could meet them, would you?”

  “No.” I sink lower in my seat, shielding myself from him. “The burgers look good.”

  “Kael,” he says softly. “Remember what I said when we met? You’re going to have to make peace with that or it’s going to eat you alive. Or,” he continues, either immune to my irritation or braving it. “You can do something about it.”

  “Let me guess? I can find them.” I lower my menu and meet his eyes threateningly. “Let it go.”

  “Yes. It’s not that hard to find people nowadays.”

  “Exactly. I haven’t been hiding. Why haven’t they tried to find me?”

  I’ve stumped him.

  I lift my menu back in place. The icy silence from me and pained confusion from him are interrupted when our waitress returns. She sets down two cold Dr. Pepper’s and then promptly takes Julian’s order. I mumble mine lamely, and then forfeit my shield when she takes our menus. I’m left with nothing between Julian’s kind sad face and my angry hurt one.

  “They don’t want me. When are you going to accept that? Maybe I don’t need to make peace with anything. Maybe you do.”

  “I find it hard to believe that the two people who made you wouldn’t want you. I want you so much. I can’t help but feel like they should too.”

  “Why not? It’s my life. They left me to suffer alone by myself for eighteen years. Why would I want to find them?” This isn’t my idea of a good conversation. My blood begins to boil. “Why can’t you leave this alone?”

  “Because I love you. I know it kills you. Even though you respond with anger you’re really hurting inside. And I also know I don’t understand what it’s like for you. But you can’t pretend you’re dealing with this like it’s nothing. You can’t do that forever.”

  I am no longer in the mood for anything but silence.

  “All right, Kael. You win. I’ll stop. But think about this. Do you think your fears come from nowhere? Do you think they only have to do with you? They don’t. Your fears started long before you were aware of them. They’re not going to go away because you want them to. If you let your fears get in the way of me having you, I will never forgive you.”

  I gulp, pretending he’s saying nothing but sweet sexy things. Not the kind of words that magnify my fears.

  He takes his phone out. Our conversation is over. As we wait for our food, I look around the restaurant and attempt not to think too hard about his words. He knows I’m afraid. We both know I’m afraid. And if I wanted, if I dug deep enough, I could figure out why. I won’t dig that deep. Because when we look for things we often find them. And who’s to say I’m ready to find anything?

  Our meal is silent. I eat because I have to do something other than run away screaming. He eats because he’s hungry. At least that’s what I tell myself when he shoves bites of his steak into his mouth. When he goes to pay, I dip outside.

  The stars shine down on the oil-stained parking lot and the smell of exhaust permeates the air. I take a deep br
eath and relish in the feel of the cool air brushing against my cheeks. It’s an odd feeling to fear losing someone I want more than myself and to be mad at them for the same reason.

  “Can you drive?” He’s dangling his keys, barely able to meet my eyes.

  There goes our time together.

  “Sure,” I whisper, taking his keys.

  Our fingers brush together as I do. He puts his hands in his pockets and walks over to the Volkswagen with me following. Julian sleeps in the passenger seat as I follow the GPS directions. The moon shines on the road as I drive. I could use the time to think. I could contemplate why Julian’s so upset with me. Rather I fixate on my fears. My fears have always seemed more real.

  By the time he wakes up, I am drained emotionally and physically.

  He sits up and wipes his eyes off on the back of his hand. Clearing his throat, he settles his hand on my lower back. “You want to switch places?”

  I want him to be okay with the fact that I’m not okay. I’m not a normal girl. He knew that when we met. No pink and fluffy. I warned him. Why does love have to demand so much from me?

  “I can keep driving.”

  “Are you sure? You’ve been driving all night.”

  I eye the sun as it rises and nod.

  “Where are we?”

  “Somewhere in Colorado. You slept a long time.”

  “You mind stopping to get some coffee and something to eat?”

  After stopping at a McDonald’s, Julian happily eats in the front seat while I attempt not to beg him, grovel, and plead.

  Take me as I am. Not everyone was made to be perfect. Please don’t make me deal with my past.

  It’s one thing to live every day aware of it. It was a completely other thing facing it.

  He plays with the radio after he’s done eating. My food is still in the bag. I can’t bring myself to eat. Settling on an Aerosmith song, he sits back. I can feel his eyes on me as I drive.

  “I think it’s pretty clear I want you. I’m not your parent’s. I’m not going to leave you. I’m never going to show you love is untrustworthy. It’s not. There’s no way you can have everything I want to give you if you don’t accept your past.”

  It’s hard to drive with tears in my eyes.

  “You know how I feel when you ignore me. What am I supposed to do? Let you run from this the same way you run from everything? You can’t spend your life running from the things you don’t like. Kael,” he warns. “Answer me.”

  I take a slow measured breath and blink my tears away. “If you had something you weren’t ready to deal with I would never force you.”

  “That’s a lie. You’d let me suffer? You’d let my past get in the way?”

  Shaking my head, I struggle to see the road. “I would never let that happen to you.” I know what he’s doing. I can think clearly about him when our roles are reversed. I can’t when it comes to me.

  “So, it’s fine for you to protect me, but it isn’t for me to do the same?” His tone is bitter. “Baby, think about this. Your parents gave you away when you were a child. Emotions and fears were introduced to you at so early on that you’ve never stopped to think about them. As far as you’re concerned that’s how life is. But it doesn’t have to be that way. What’s your worst fear?”

  Why is he doing this to me? I want to undo my seatbelt and jump out of the car. “Right now, it’s listening to you.”

  “Damn it, Kaelyn! Stop running.”

  “I run because if I stop and think about everything I’ll lose it!” I snap. I glare at him as best I can. “Just shut up, Julian. I like you better when you’re not talking.”

  His dark eyes tell me I either hurt him, or he wants to hurt me. “Is that so?”

  “Yes!” I hiss. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about anyway. You said it yourself. You grew up with pink and fluffy. You had everything you needed. You don’t know what it was like. It’s not a math problem. I can’t solve it with a calculator. This hurt,” I emphasize, patting my chest. “Is not easy. It’s hard. It’s bitter. It’s not going to go away overnight.”

  “You’re doing it. I can’t believe you’re doing it. You’re going to let your fears get in the way.” Pain fills his voice.

  “Why are you making me do this now?”

  “Because!” he roars, making my flinch. “We’re not going on a trip. This isn’t the beach. We’re starting our lives together. I need to know you’re ready for that, that you’re done running.”

  “I’m not even running from you, though!” My tone is desperate. I don’t like the way he’s talking. This isn’t like all our other arguments. This doesn’t require an apology or makeup sex.

  “As long as your fears are dictating your actions, you’re running from everything I want to give you. It’s the same thing,” he insists sadly. “Pull over.”

  I’m thankful. My tears are too thick to see through. I find a safe spot on the highway and ease onto the shoulder.

  “I’ll drive now.” His tone is unlike himself. He’s off.

  “Julian.” I reach for his hand, tangling my fingers with his, but he brushes me off and gets out.

  For hours, he’s quiet as he drives. I can only imagine what’s he’s thinking. I’m exhausted, and though I fight it, I end up falling asleep. When I wake up the sun is setting and he’s still off. Without speaking, he stops at another fast food place and orders for both of us, eating as he drives.

  “You’re not being healthy.” I am ravenous. My breakfast is still in the bag rotting under my feet. I dunk my onion rings into ketchup and sneak glances at him. I want us to be better again. “Remember. The only good thing about you is your abs. You should be more careful.”

  He grunts and shoves a handful of fries into his mouth.

  His lack of response makes me sad. I have a feeling it’s going to be that way until I give him what he wants.

  “Where are we?”

  Before he can respond, we pass a sign announcing our arrival into Nevada.

  “You mind driving again?”

  His dismissal hurts. I swallow it down. “No.”

  After pulling over so we could switch positions, I resume my spot in the driver’s seat. He wastes no time falling asleep. It’s shocking how much I miss him already. After a couple hours, I carefully reach over and take his hand off his lap. Without waking him, I grasp his fingers as I drive.

  What’s wrong with being afraid? It sometimes clouds my mind, and it makes it hard to envision the future when lately that’s all I’ve wanted, but it doesn’t have any bearing on my feelings. My feelings are stronger than my fears. They always have been. I wouldn’t have them now if they weren’t. Why do I need to be unafraid to have his love? That’s like asking me not to breathe, not to listen to the part of me that’s supposed to protect me.

  As soon as we pass into California, he stirs. I hold his hand tightly. Our palms are sweating and my fingers fell numb hours ago. I refuse to let him go. Not when he’s afraid I will.

  He tries to pull his hand free. “I can’t feel my fingers.”

  I hold his hand tighter. “Aren’t you even a little afraid?”

  “No,” he says simply.

  “Don’t let go, Julian.”

  “Kael,” he groans. “I don’t know how else to say this to you. Do I have to marry you? Do I have to find a time machine and speed it up to show you how much happiness I’m going to bring you? I don’t know what more I have to do.”

  Marry me? “But you’re so mad at me.”

  “I’m not mad. I’m frustrated. And even if I was mad that doesn’t mean I’m done. It means I have things I need to deal with. We’re going to fight. We’re going to upset the other. Relationships are not perfect. At the end of the day, my only focus is you. I’d never do anything without you in mind. Come on, baby. When are you going to trust in us?” Now he’s the one gripping my hand. “Tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it.”

  I can’t stand the desperateness in his voic
e. I know what I must do. I have to take my next step not knowing where I’m going to stand, and trust Julian is leading me only toward good. It scares the hell out of me.

  “Be patient with me.”

  He brings my hand to his lips and kisses the back of it. “I can do that. As long as you’re trying I have no problem waiting for you. We’re almost there.” He sounds slightly excited.

  I jump at the opportunity to change the subject. “You never wanted to move to Savannah.”

  He squeezes my fingers. “I’m glad I did.”

  When Julian offers to drive the rest of the way, I let him. I settle in his leftover body heat and close my eyes. When I wake up, the radio’s on quietly. We’re driving across a stretching golden bridge and Julian’s window is down. Cold salty air seeps into the Volkswagen. Fog, like smoke, cloaks the city. The sun shines through the mist, sending bright splinters of light into the sky. I’ve never seen anywhere more stunning than this.

  “We’re here.”

  “It’s so pretty,” I whisper, pressing my face to the window to see the water below the bridge. The frothy waves churn. “We’re going to live here?” I turn to him.

  He nods, handsome and happy. “Are you excited?”

  “Yes.” I grin back.

  His shoulders relax. “We’re almost there.”

  I’m disappointed when we exit the bridge. We exchange it for a congested freeway cloaked in exhaust. When we get into the city my excitement grows again. There’s so many people and the fog clings to everything like a blanket. Everyone looks sleepy-eyed and they’re clearly going somewhere. I want to have somewhere to be in this beautiful city. The car is cloaked in darkness when Julian drives into a parking garage.

  “I’ll put our stuff in storage tomorrow.” He kills the engine. “You ready?”

  It feels like he’s asking a deeper question. “Yes.”

  His eyes soften. He leans forward and kisses me. “I love you. Tell me you love me.”

  I smile against his lips. “Eh.”

  Chuckling, he leans back and gives me an admonishing look. “Kael.”

  “I love you, Julian. Now let’s go meet your parents.” I open my door and hop out, tightening my jacket around me. The air coming in through the garage is ice. “Is it always this cold here?”