The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘Did he kill them?’

  ‘Er… no. No, they’d already died of natural causes. Painlessly. After long, happy, fulfilling lives.’

  Laurie put her hands on her hips. ‘You mean someone went and sewed up some dead cats?’

  ‘I’m afraid so.’

  ‘But that’s disgusting!’

  The other kids muttered in wholehearted agreement. Robyn shot a please-help-me look at Eliot.

  ‘Times were different then, Laurie,’ he told the girl. ‘People did a lot of things we wouldn’t think were acceptable nowadays. Sometimes quite gruesome things.’

  ‘Shouldn’t be allowed,’ Laurie muttered. ‘I got a cat. I wouldn’t let no one sew him up, even if he’d died. An’ what if he turned into a cat zombie, like in Pet Sematary, only with three heads?’

  ‘I’m sure he… hang on, you haven’t seen Pet Sematary, have you?’

  ‘My cousin did. Then he acted it out for me with Moshlings coz I’m not old enough to watch.’

  ‘Did he? How generous of him.’

  ‘It certainly wouldn’t be allowed now,’ Robyn said. ‘You have to remember that this was the time of the Fiji Mermaid and other sideshows of the kind, when such things were all the rage.’

  ‘What’s a fidgy mermaid?’ another kid asked.

  ‘Well, people back then believed it was a real mummified mermaid, but it was actually half a baby monkey sewn onto the tail of a—’ Robyn caught Laurie’s appalled expression and stopped. ‘You know what? Why don’t we go take a look in the prehistoric cabinet?’

  The prehistoric cabinet, containing skulls of animals that had roamed Kettlewick in days gone by, proved to be more of a hit. Robyn actually got a ‘wow!’ from one kid when she showed him the skull of an ancient bear which, she suggested, might once have lived in his back garden. The Edwardian dolls’ house went down well too, and the Roman coins drew mild interest.

  The preserved Victorian room was a bomb though, and the display of regional rock samples nearly left her and Eliot with a mutiny on their hands. Thankfully Felicity appeared at that point bearing biscuits and squash to soothe the savage beasts.

  While the kids tucked in, Eliot and Robyn snuck into the kitchen for a coffee.

  ‘It’s going well, isn’t it?’ Eliot said.

  Robyn scoffed. ‘You what? Where’ve you been?’

  ‘I supervise a lot of school trips, Rob. Trust me, this is one of the better ones.’

  ‘Bloody hell. Where have you been taking the poor sods?’

  He grimaced. ‘Last time? Haverthwaite Soap Museum.’

  ‘Oof.’

  ‘Anyway, don’t worry. Once they’ve spent their pocket money on novelty rubbers and replica Roman coins, they’ll be raving about this place. Nothing makes amends like a gift shop.’

  ‘Let’s hope so. Thanks for bringing them again.’

  ‘No problem. Same time next year?’

  ‘Guess so.’

  There was silence for a moment. Robyn absently swirled her coffee.

  ‘How the hell did I end up here, El?’ she said.

  ‘I thought you loved it here.’

  ‘I did, once. The quirk of it appealed, and you get plenty of time to read or think or whatever. It felt like quite a cushy number in my twenties. But… I dunno. It was only supposed to be temporary while I worked out what I wanted to do for a career, and now it’s fifteen years later and… I’m starting to worry I’ve let life pass me by, that’s all.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘Well, look at the rest of you. You’re a teacher; Freya’s got her advertising job. Will’s a bloody doctor, for Christ’s sake. Even Ash managed to forge a decent career in graphic design, despite flunking two of his A levels. And here I am on minimum wage, minding a museum whose star attraction is a manky mutant cat.’

  ‘Rob, are you okay? I’ve never heard you talk like this before.’

  She sighed. ‘I’m thirty-five, Eliot, and what have I got to show for it? This time last year, when things were going so well with Ash… I never said anything to you guys, but I was actually wondering if he might be gearing up to pop the question. If the next phase of my life was about to start – marriage, kids, a new career. And now… now I’m just wondering if I’ll still be here this time next year.’

  ‘Come on, don’t say that,’ Eliot said gently. ‘Bodies do weird things all the time. It’ll be nothing, you’ll see.’

  ‘So everyone keeps telling me. But none of you know, do you? I mean, everyone’s got an opinion, but not one of you actually bloody knows.’

  ‘We do have a bit more perspective than you though. Obviously you’ll be fearing the worst, but statistically it’s more likely to be nothing than something.’

  Robyn lifted her scowl and looked up. ‘Sorry for snapping, El. I know you’re only trying to make me feel better. Worried, that’s all.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I’ll tell you what though: if I get through this, that’s it. No more life happening while I’m making other plans. I’m drawing up a serious bucket list to start ticking off.’

  ‘Such as what?’

  ‘I’m not sure yet. All I know is, too many of us miss out on what we want to do in life. If this isn’t… you know, it, then it’s my wake-up call from the universe. Time to work out what I want out of my time on earth, before it’s too late.’

  ‘How long did you say it’d be until you got your results?’

  ‘Two weeks.’ She sighed. ‘I’ll be lucky if I can sleep until then.’

  3

  Call me now. URGENT.

  Will read the message one more time. Then he chucked his phone to one side, sank back on the bed and groaned.

  Urgent. Of course it was. They were always bloody urgent, weren’t they? All that meant was that Ash needed to offload about some supposed crisis and the tight bastard didn’t fancy paying the roaming charges on a call to the UK.

  Obviously, Will would end up phoning his brother back. You couldn’t say no to Ash, he was just too… Ash. Unreliable, selfish, impulsive, but still eternally, endearingly Ash: his irresponsible, charming, infuriating little brother. His ‘little’ brother who was eleven minutes older than him.

  Will’s phone beeped with another text.

  Seriously, bruv, urgent!!! What the hell are you doing?!?

  ‘Ten,’ Will counted. ‘Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five…’

  On the count of four, his phone burst into melody. He’d never made it as far as three, not after a second text. He swiped to answer.

  ‘What’s the crisis then?’

  ‘Will, I made a mistake. A massive, massive mistake.’ Ash’s voice was thick and tearful. ‘Can you ring me back?’

  ‘What makes you think I can afford it? Mobile calls to Australia don’t come cheap.’

  ‘Come on, you’re a doctor. You must be on a basquillion quid an hour.’

  ‘I’m a village GP, Ash, not bloody… House.’ He paused. ‘You pissed, mate?’

  ‘Maybe. A bit.’

  ‘What time is it there?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. Late.’

  ‘It’s two in the morning, isn’t it? Have you been drinking all night?’

  ‘Had to, I was having an epiphathingy. Ring me back, can you?’

  The line went dead. Sighing, Will hit redial.

  ‘Well?’ he said when Ash picked up.

  ‘I made a mistake, Will. A terrible one.’

  ‘You said.’

  ‘The walls were just closing in, you know? Huge bastard big-boy walls, like you know that bit in Star Wars with the garbage disposal, and Luke’s all like “arghhh, bollocks!” and Han tries to shoot it – I mean, the underwater snake thingy – and the walls are squashing them up while 3PO drama-queens it on the radio—’

  ‘Ash. Ashley. Shut up and tell me what you’re blathering about, can you? Ideally minus the Star Wars references.’

  Ash gave a tearful snort. ‘I split up with Melinda.’

  ‘Oh God.’ Wi
ll sighed. ‘I’m sorry. What happened?’

  ‘Well, she was a kid, wasn’t she? It was never going to work. She didn’t even remember Thundercats, Will. You can’t spend a lifetime with a woman who doesn’t appreciate a decent Snarf impression.’

  Will frowned. ‘Are you telling me you’re bawling your eyes out because you broke up with her?’

  There was a sob, and the sound of something being glugged. ‘I had to.’

  ‘But last time we spoke you were full of how perfect you were for each other. Young heart, young mind – you remember saying that?’

  ‘Yeah, well. That turned out to be a load of old shite.’

  Will bit his tongue. He’d narrowly avoided commenting something similar himself at the time, so as much as he felt for his brother’s aching heart, it was good to be vindicated.

  ‘Are you okay, kid?’ he asked gently.

  ‘I will be.’ Ash tried to swallow a hiccup and it emerged as a sort of chirp. ‘You’ve got my back, right?’

  ‘Always do, don’t I?’

  Will heard car tyres crunching onto gravel outside. He went to peep through the blinds.

  Robyn was parking up in her drive. Will watched as she unloaded a couple of shopping bags and trudged to her front door with them. She looked exhausted, poor lass.

  What day was it? Thursday? Two weeks since he’d seen her at the surgery…

  ‘Will?’

  He shook himself, realising Ash had been talking to him.

  ‘Sorry, I’m listening. What’s up?’

  ‘Will, I’m telling you, I made a mistake.’

  ‘Breaking up with Melinda?’ He sat down on the bed again. ‘Well, sober up before you make any big decisions about getting back together. I don’t want to speak out of turn, Ash, but she was twenty-three. We’ll be thirty-five in two months. That’s a pretty big gap.’

  ‘Not with Melinda.’ Ash gave a strangled snort. ‘I should never have come here, Will. It must’ve been a midlife crisis or something.’

  ‘What, at thirty-four?’

  ‘You know what I mean. Don’t you ever get that feeling, like we’re getting older? No wives, no kids, no… whatever else we’re supposed to have by now?’

  ‘Sometimes,’ Will said cautiously. ‘What’re you saying, bruv?’

  ‘It’s just… earlier this year it felt like the garbage disposal walls of adult life were closing in, you know? I liked her, Will, I really liked her. Rob, I mean. And suddenly, with her, I needed to be this fucking… grown-up, right? And she kept looking at me with those eyes – you know those eyes she’s got?’

  ‘I’m aware of them, yes.’

  ‘Right. And it was like she was waiting or something. Like a… a spider. An adorable little spider that just wanted to wrap me in her cobwebs and gobble me up, and Jesus Christ was I up for that, and I…’ He stopped. ‘I lost my thread. Where was I?’

  ‘Robyn’s eyes.’

  ‘Right. Right! I could sense her waiting for me to take it to the next level, and it scared me to death. And I… okay, so I freaked out. I’m not proud of it, but that’s what happened. And everything since then – wanting to travel. Melinda. It was just… acting out or whatever. Couldn’t face my youth being over. But now, Will, now. Now. Now, I’m ready, okay? I want you to march out there, bang on that door and tell Melinda I’m ready.’

  ‘Melinda?’

  ‘Robyn.’ There was a long pause. ‘Robyn. I meant Robyn.’

  ‘Ash, mate, you need to sleep it off. We’ll talk tomorrow.’

  ‘Will you watch her for me?’ Ash mumbled, sounding half asleep now.

  ‘Who, Melinda or Robyn?’

  ‘Rob. Is she seeing anyone new?’

  ‘Well she’d hardly tell me.’

  ‘Why not? You’re mates, aren’t you?’

  Will sighed. ‘I’m not sure these days. I hope so.’

  ‘So, is she single?’

  ‘I… as far as I know, yes.’

  ‘And will you keep an eye on her?’

  ‘Ash, I’m not spying on Robyn for you. Look, I’ll call you tomorrow. You’re no good to anyone in this state.’

  ‘Not… spy. Just make sure she’s doing okay. I… love her, you know?’

  The line went quiet. Will, assuming his brother had nodded off, was about to hang up when a voice came through the receiver.

  ‘Will?’ Ash whispered.

  ‘I’m here.’

  ‘Get my room ready, will you? I’m coming home.’

  ‘What, seriously? When?’

  But Ash had already hung up.

  Sighing, Will tucked his phone away and headed downstairs.

  Could Ash be serious? Was he really coming home? Or was that drink and break-up talking? When he’d left, he’d talked about travelling around Australia for a year at least.

  He wondered how Robyn would cope with that. It’d be painful for her, having Ash living next door again after the way the two of them had ended. After Melinda. Hell, it was only a few weeks ago that his brother had been enthusiastically talking about moving out to Australia permanently so they could be together. And now, suddenly, it was all over.

  Well, he was glad. Of all the poor choices Ash had made recently – breaking up with Robyn, spending his savings on this once-in-a-lifetime trip – the twenty-three-year-old surfer he’d hooked up with almost as soon as he’d set foot in Perth had to be the worst. It had worried Will, listening to his brother raving about Melinda as if they were made for each other only weeks into the relationship. That was Ash all over: as a boyfriend, as with anything else, he was an all-or-nothing kind of guy.

  No caution, that was his problem. When Ash decided he wanted something, he threw body, heart and soul at it, leaving his brother to yank the whole lot back again when things inevitably went tits up.

  Not that Will doubted Melinda was a perfectly nice girl. But to break up with someone as ideal for Ash as Robyn Bloom – honestly, what could he have been thinking? If you found a woman like Robyn, you kept hold of her, Will knew that much. He’d been looking for one himself for long enough.

  At the foot of the stairs, Will almost tripped over a pair of Ash’s rugby boots that had tumbled from the shoe rack. He smiled and put them back where they belonged. Even in a drunken stupor on the other side of the world, his brother was still managing to clutter up their shared house.

  Will mixed himself a scotch and soda and sat down on the sofa.

  It puzzled him how Ash could make such very different choices to those he would have made in the same circumstances. As impulsive as his brother was, he’d always respected Will’s advice, especially since they’d lost their mum. Will had usually been able to talk him out of the more madcap schemes he had a tendency to concoct. But this time he just hadn’t been able to get his twin to see reason.

  It was funny, how they could be so alike and yet, in a lot of ways, so very different. Back at school they’d always been ‘the Barnes boys’ – two of a kind, permanently together. They’d fought and they’d made up over and over, every falling out and falling in again just making the bond between them stronger. They’d played rugby together, got drunk together, chatted up girls together. And although they had similar tastes in that area, they’d always managed to avoid falling for the same girls – none of their frequent fights had been about that. Even if Will had felt a glimmer of attraction to someone, he’d backed off the minute he thought Ash might be interested. After all, brothers came first.

  But in personality, they’d never been as alike as people tended to assume they would be. Will wasn’t sure why. Perhaps… he hated to admit it, but there was a part of him that felt his brother might be a bit spoilt.

  Will had always known Ash was their mother’s favourite. He still remembered a prank they’d played when they were seven. A harmless one really: Great Uncle George had been visiting, and when he started nodding over his Christmas sherry, Ash had whispered what a laugh it would be to swap the old man’s slippers for a pair of their mum’s hi
gh heels. As with so many bits of childish naughtiness, it had been Ash’s idea but Will who got the blame.

  He smiled when he remembered Uncle George’s expression on waking up to find himself wearing a pair of leopard-print stilettos. Well, perhaps that one had been worth it.

  That was one reason Will had worked so hard at school. Both Barnes boys were bright but, determined to impress a parent who never seemed to realise quite how much more attention she paid his twin, Will had worked his backside off to achieve his ambition of studying medicine.

  And while Will had been glued to his books every night in sixth form, Ash had been taking out girls or drinking with the lads on rugby socials. When Ash ballsed up an exam, their mum just smiled indulgently and said ‘well, I suppose boys will be boys’. Even when he failed two of his A levels, Mum had looked only mildly disappointed, before buying them a celebratory takeaway and treating Ash as if his one C was worth all of Will’s straight As.

  Will winced at the memory of that night. Mum had been so frail by then. They’d lost her less than a year later.

  Anyway, in the end, Will’s hard work hadn’t made much difference. Confidence and charm, it turned out, could get you just as far in life – further, even – than top exam results. As director of the design agency he’d founded, Ash was not only earning good money: he could also work from anywhere in the world, something he was currently taking full advantage of.

  Still, Will had never been jealous. Ash was a good lad and he deserved everything he had, even if he hadn’t worked particularly hard for it. No, apart from maybe once in his life, Will had never been jealous of his brother.

  The security light flicked on outside. Will glanced out of the living room window to see Robyn dragging her wheelie bin to the end of her drive.

  ‘Poor cow looks knackered,’ he muttered.

  Keep an eye on her for me. Wasn’t that what Ash had said? Just make sure she’s doing okay.

  For a second Will frowned into his whisky glass. Then he drained what was left and went upstairs.

  4

  Two weeks max. That’s what Will had said. Robyn definitely remembered max or within or some such word making up part of the sentence. Within fourteen days, if – that tiny, terrifying word – if everything was fine, she’d get a text to let her know.