The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  Well, today it was exactly fourteen days since her doctor’s appointment and she’d heard not a dicky bird.

  She glanced at her phone, but it was still just as blank as it had been the last time she’d checked it thirty seconds ago.

  It was bound to be okay. Probably just some other specimen of machinery or humanity not working the way it was supposed to down at the surgery. She’d ring tomorrow and hopefully get a nice ‘all clear’ from Donald Sykes’s missus on reception.

  Even if it was something that needed further investigation, it didn’t necessarily follow that her worst fears were going to be realised. She’d googled her symptoms and there were any number of things that could have caused the irregular bleed.

  But then… then there was the other thing. Cancer, the great leveller, a killer that respected neither youth nor lifestyle. No matter how often Robyn told herself it almost certainly wouldn’t be that, her brain kept coming back to it. And to Grace Barnes next door, Ash and Will’s mum, taken from them at only forty-three after a harrowing battle with cervical cancer.

  ‘Send me a text, damn you!’ she yelled at the phone. But instead of the buzz of a text, there was a knock at the front door. Robyn got up to answer it, wondering who could be calling at this time.

  ‘Will,’ she said when she discovered him on her doorstep. She looked her neighbour up and down. ‘Bloody hell. Bit late in the year for trick or treat, isn’t it?’

  ‘Are you busy, Bloom? I need your help.’

  She ran her gaze over the ensemble he was wearing. He was in a pair of Rupert Bear-style trousers and hairy tweed waistcoat, a checked tie fastened too tightly around his neck. If he rolled his trouser legs up and added a pair of Argyle socks, he’d look like he was just off to play a round of golf. In 1874.

  ‘You certainly need someone’s help,’ she said, smirking. ‘What’re you dressed like that for?’

  ‘I’ve got a date tonight at some posh restaurant. I could really use a bit of female perspective.’

  ‘You’re not going inside a restaurant dressed like that? Where actual people might see you?’

  ‘This was the smartest gear I could find,’ he said, glancing down at his outfit.

  ‘Will, you look like an Edwardian cad about to do unspeakable things to some poor girl in the back of a punt. Where the hell did you get the waistcoat?’

  ‘It’s Ash’s. Am I getting the general impression you don’t think it’s working for me?’

  ‘Let’s just say there’s probably a reason I never saw Ash wearing it. Hang on.’ She nipped back inside to grab her mobile. ‘Okay, come on. Between us we can sort this out.’

  She locked the door and followed him to Ash’s – to his house. Will held the door open, but she hesitated.

  ‘What’s up?’ he asked.

  ‘I just haven’t been in since…’ She shook her head. ‘Nothing, I’m being daft.’

  Ash’s rugby boots were on the shoe rack. Robyn tried not to look at them as she stepped into the hall.

  ‘Right, you, upstairs,’ she said, poking Will in the back. ‘I refuse to let you out in public looking like day-job Indiana Jones.’

  She followed him to his bedroom, where he flung open the cupboard.

  ‘It’s slim pickings, I’m afraid,’ he said. ‘Unless you fancy rifling our Ash’s stuff to see if there’s anything you think’ll suit me.’ He clocked her expression. ‘Then again, perhaps not.’

  ‘So. Smart but sexy. Let’s see what we’ve got here.’ Robyn elbowed him aside to examine his wardrobe. She pulled out a dark blue blazer with brass buttons. ‘How about this?’

  ‘That old thing? I’ll look like Captain Birdseye.’

  ‘Not if we cut the buttons off. It’ll be quite dashing without those.’

  ‘You can’t do that! My nan bought me that.’

  ‘And I bet you’ve never once worn it, have you?’

  He laughed. ‘Okay, you’ve got me there.’

  ‘So? Are we losing the buttons?’

  ‘If you say so,’ he said with a sigh. ‘What else? Shirt and tie?’

  ‘With a blazer? God, no. People’ll think you’ve just finished school.’

  ‘Are you saying I could still pass for sixteen?’ He rubbed his chin. ‘Thanks, Bloom. You can take full responsibility for the beard I’m now obligated to grow.’

  ‘Come here.’ She took his hands and stood at arm’s length while she appraised his broad frame. ‘Okay, you want to make the most of those rugby forward shoulders; they’re a definite strength. Have you got a singlet?’

  ‘Thankfully not. I may be guilty of many crimes against fashion, but that isn’t one.’

  ‘Tight T-shirt?’

  ‘No. Well, my rugby shirt.’

  ‘The one that says “Doctor Quim Medicine Woman” on the back?’

  ‘Yeah. And can I just point out, I had no say in that?’

  ‘You can’t wear that. Anything else?’

  ‘There’s the fitted T-shirt I wear to the gym. Any good?’

  ‘How sweaty is it?’

  ‘It isn’t. I just washed it.’

  ‘All right, fetch that and we’ll see how it looks with the blazer and some dark jeans.’

  Will jogged downstairs to get his T-shirt from the clothes horse while Robyn went to work cutting off his blazer buttons. By the time he got back, the last one had just hit the floor.

  ‘Okay, Bloom, look the other way,’ Will commanded.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Why do you think? Because I’m about to get my kit off and I don’t fancy doing it with you ogling me.’

  She snorted. ‘Will Barnes, get over yourself. Anyway, you and Ash are identical, aren’t you? You haven’t got anything I’ve not seen before.’

  ‘Not on this twin you haven’t. Go on, turn around.’

  ‘Fine.’ She twisted to face the wall. ‘Although I’d say you owe me at least a full frontal after the up-close-and-personal you got the other week.’

  Behind her, she heard the unzipping of a fly and a shuffling sound as Will took off his trousers.

  ‘That was work, it doesn’t count,’ he said. ‘In the sanctity of the surgery, you cease to be Robyn Bloom and become just another cervical canal to me. And before you ask, you’re right, I do say that to all the girls.’

  ‘Lucky ladies. Do you take the speculum home with you?’

  ‘Only if they ask nicely.’ He tapped her on the shoulder. ‘Okay, you can look now.’

  She turned around and lifted her eyebrows. ‘Wow. You look good, Will.’

  He looked down at himself. ‘You mean it? I reckon the T-shirt makes me look a bit tarty.’

  ‘Nah, she’ll love it. Who is it anyway, someone from the village?’

  ‘No one you know. Sister of one of the rugby lads.’

  ‘Ah, right.’ Robyn tilted her head, like a sculptor assessing her latest masterpiece, and came forward to run her fingers through his hair. ‘Yeah, this look is very sexy on you. Definitely a winner.’

  He glanced up. ‘What’re you doing, Bloom?’

  ‘Fluffing you. It suits you better when your hair’s scruffy.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He reached up to arrest her hand as it combed through his dark curls. ‘I think that’s scruffy enough.’

  ‘What shoes are you going to wear? Smart trainers will be best, if you’ve got some.’

  ‘Not dark ones. I’ll have to borrow Ash’s Vans.’ He left the room and came back carrying his brother’s second-best trainers. ‘You know, I’ll miss him being away. I suppose when he comes home, I’ll have to stop nicking his stuff whenever I feel like it.’

  Robyn frowned. ‘Is he coming home?’

  ‘I’m assuming so. You know, eventually.’

  There was silence for a moment. Ash’s name tended to have that effect on the conversation these days.

  ‘You heard from him lately?’ Robyn asked at last.

  ‘Yeah, I just had him on the phone actually.’

  ‘Was Melinda
with him or was it past her bedtime?’

  ‘No. He was in a bit of a state, if you really want to know. They broke up.’

  ‘Oh. Well, I’m sorry to hear that.’

  Will smiled. ‘The hell you are.’

  She smiled back. ‘Okay, maybe not. But I suppose I’m sorry he’s upset, even if it does serve him right.’

  ‘After the way he’s carried on, I’d say you were entitled not to care if he’d been eaten alive by a pack of wild dingoes.’ He slipped on Ash’s trainers. ‘Still, I’d kind of miss him, pillock that he is.’

  ‘Why did she end it?’

  ‘She didn’t. He did.’

  Robyn frowned. ‘Eh? I thought he was besotted with her. His Instagram feed’s been particularly vomit-worthy lately. What happened?’

  ‘He’s had an epiphathingy, apparently.’

  ‘What about?’

  He looked at her. ‘I’m not entirely sure. He’d had a few drinks when he called; he wasn’t making a lot of sense.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Will turned to examine himself in the mirror. ‘You’re right: this is much better. Don’t know what I was thinking with the tweed.’ He flicked her ear. ‘Cheers, Bloomy.’

  ‘My pleasure.’

  ‘Hey, what do you say to me cooking you tea as a thanks? I’ve got the ingredients for chicken jalfrezi in the fridge.’

  ‘You won’t have time, will you? What time is your date?’

  ‘Ah. Um, seven?’

  ‘Seven? Shit, Will, it’s quarter to!’ She gave him a little push. ‘Go on, get out. You’re going to be seriously late.’

  ‘Actually…’ He sighed. ‘No. No I’m not.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘Bloom, don’t blow up on me, but… I may have told you a cheeky fib before. I’m not going out tonight.’

  ‘You what? Then why did you just waste an hour of my life getting me to pick an outfit for you?’

  He smiled. ‘What can I say? I know you can’t resist playing dress-up.’

  ‘But why, Will?’

  ‘You just looked so tired when I spotted you earlier. I’m not as dim as my brother looks, you know.’ He rested a hand on her shoulder. ‘Still waiting?’ he said quietly.

  She sighed. ‘Two weeks and not a word.’ She glanced up at him. ‘Do you know?’

  ‘No, it’s an automated system, but I can find out. Leave it with me, eh? I’ll chase your results up first thing and ring you as soon as I know anything.’

  ‘Even if it’s bad news?’

  ‘I’m sure it’s just an admin cock-up. But yes, even if it’s bad news.’

  She flashed him a wobbly smile. ‘Thanks, Will. You’re a good mate.’

  ‘Did it work then?’ he asked. ‘Did my carefully selected ensemble in hideous hairy tweed take your mind off things?’

  ‘It did.’ She laughed. ‘You’re a devious git. I was convinced you’d totally lost your fashion sense.’

  ‘I’m quite hurt it was so bloody easy.’ He gave her arm a pat. ‘Let me make you that curry. You can’t just sit at home fretting.’

  ‘I don’t know, Will.’

  ‘Go on, why not?’

  ‘Well, because…’ She glanced towards Ash’s room. ‘It feels strange being here without – now he’s gone.’

  ‘But me and you are still friends, right?’

  ‘Yeah, course. It’s just…’

  He sighed. ‘I know. Don’t even bother to finish.’

  ‘This was fun though. It was nice to hang out. It’s just a bit…’

  ‘…weird. Yes, I suppose it must be.’

  She looked down and frowned as her gaze fell on Ash’s trainers.

  Why was she letting her knobhead ex make this awkward? She’d been friends with Will forever; it wasn’t his fault he had Ash’s face. It was Ash’s fault, for making her hate the sight of his stupid face in the first place. Well, she’d be buggered if she was going to let him ruin a perfectly good friendship on top of his other crimes.

  ‘You know what, Will? I’m actually starving,’ she said, looking up to smile at him. ‘How about we cook tea together?’

  He smiled too. ‘Sounds good to me. Come on, I’ll get the wine open.’

  *

  Robyn sagged back against the sofa and let out a contented sigh.

  It had felt pretty strange at first, spending time in this place now Ash was gone. Sitting on the sofa in front of the TV like nothing had changed – the same sofa she’d so often watched TV on with Ash, or with Ash and Will, but almost never with just Will. Tonight, she realised, was one of the only times they’d ever hung out just the two of them.

  And it had been… great. Really nice actually. Once Robyn had made a conscious effort to put Ash out of her mind, the lingering awkwardness of the elephant in the room had slowly disintegrated and she’d had a wonderful evening. She’d forgotten what good company Will was.

  ‘You can put your feet on me if you like,’ Will said, watching her shuffle her legs in an effort to get comfy.

  They’d always had a pretty touchy-feely friendship – Will was that sort of lad, warm and demonstrative, just like his brother – and Robyn had been completely comfortable with that before Ash had left. Tonight it felt like they’d finally managed to get their friendship back on track, move on from The Great Ash Betrayal, and yes, if they hadn’t been alone… but getting too snuggly when it was just her and Will, when Robyn was already having to constantly remind herself which twin she was sitting next to, didn’t feel like a particularly good idea.

  ‘No, thanks. I’m fine.’

  ‘More wine? I can open another one.’

  ‘Better not, I’ve got work tomorrow. I should really be getting home.’ She looked up into his black eyes. ‘Thanks for this though, Will. After half a bottle of pinot grigio, I feel like I might actually be able to sleep tonight.’

  Will snorted. ‘Half a bottle? I only had one glass out of it.’

  She elbowed him in the ribs. ‘You know, a gentleman would try to save my face by claiming more than his share.’

  ‘You’re right, I’m sorry. I was actually necking it straight from the bottle while you weren’t looking, just to make you look like a drunk.’

  ‘Aha! I knew it.’ With an effort, she pushed herself to her feet. ‘I’d better get to bed.’

  ‘I’ll see you out.’

  Will followed her to the front door. She put her coat on, and he bent to embrace her.

  ‘Night, love. I’ll ring you as soon as I know anything.’

  ‘Yeah. Goodnight, Ash.’

  She bit her tongue almost as the name slipped out, half raising her fingers like she could claw it back again.

  ‘Oh God, Will, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine.’ He forced a smile. ‘Happens all the time. See you later, Bloom.’

  When she’d gone, he closed the door. One of Ash’s rugby boots had tumbled off the shoe rack again. Will kicked it out of his way.

  5

  ‘At the risk of sounding like my late lamented Great-Aunt Susan, you do know that a watched pot never boils, don’t you?’ Felicity said when she brought Robyn a coffee at her desk and found her staring once again at her mobile.

  ‘He promised he’d chase my results up first thing, Fliss. The surgery’s been open hours.’

  ‘He’s probably busy with appointments.’

  ‘I guess.’ Robyn smiled as she thought about Will showing up on her doorstep the night before. ‘Honestly, you should’ve seen him in those tweeds. He looked a right plonker.’

  ‘It was kind of him, taking your mind off things when he could tell you were sick with worry.’ Felicity sat down with her own coffee and added a generous slug of something potent from the hip flask she kept in her bra. ‘You’d never catch the other one doing that.’

  ‘No.’ Robyn sighed. ‘Actually, that’s unfair. For all his sins, Ash was always good at cheering me up when I was upset.’

  ‘I should think he was, since he was usually the reason f
or it,’ Felicity muttered. ‘Honestly, leaving you for that girl who’s barely out of her pram. Her mother must be in agonies.’

  Robyn took a sip of coffee. ‘Her mum doesn’t need to worry any more. It’s all over between Melinda and Ash – Will told me last night.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Yep. Anyway, he didn’t leave me for Melinda, he left me for himself. The one person who’s always top of his list.’

  ‘I can’t say there isn’t a part of me that’s glad. Didn’t I always tell you that you could do better than Ashley Barnes?’

  Robyn laughed. ‘No, you said he was a dish and I should snap him up before someone else did.’

  ‘I think under the circumstances, I’m entitled to a bit of selective memory. Anyway, you don’t want to be settling down yet.’

  ‘Fliss, I’m thirty-five. I’m well past settling-down age.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ Felicity said, flicking her wrist. ‘I reached my sexual prime in my mid-thirties. Why don’t you come along to one of Janet’s classes with me?’

  Robyn shook her head. ‘I’m not doing your tantric sex yoga, Aunty.’

  ‘The classes aren’t only about sex. They’re about teaching you to harness your divine feminine energy.’

  ‘Hmm. That sounds like a sex thing to me.’

  ‘The point is to help you feel fulfilled generally. You learn to channel your emotions so you can unlock the wisdom of your inner goddess.’

  ‘I don’t have an inner goddess, Fliss. Just an inner slob with armpit hair and no bra on. I really don’t think she ought to be unlocked.’

  ‘Fine, suit yourself.’ Fliss nodded to the window. ‘The good one’s here.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Young Dr Barnes. He’s just coming up the road.’

  Robyn frowned. ‘Will? What’s he doing here?’

  A minute later the door opened and Will himself appeared, his boyish face flushed from the chill winter air.

  ‘Bloom. Hiya.’ He took off his beanie and ran his fingers awkwardly through his hair. ‘Can we talk? Um, in private?’

  ‘All right.’ She glanced at her aunt. ‘Sorry, Fliss, do you mind?’

  ‘Of course not, my love,’ Felicity said, pushing herself to her feet. ‘I could do with giving that taxidermied monstrosity upstairs a comb.’