Afterburn: a novel

by Zane

  He chuckled. “Yeah, but Chance doesn’t dress like that. Ma would kill her, if she even tried.”

  “Well, you know your mother and my mother are two entirely separate people; like night and day.”

  “Like an angel and a demon,” he said.

  The sad part about his comment—him obviously referring to my mother as the demon—was that I couldn’t argue with him. Mrs. Martinez had the face and spirit of an angel. My mother, while unquestionably beautiful—was a snake.

  Ruiz realized that I was saddened by his words so he let my hand go and put his arm around my shoulder. “So you like this movie?”

  “It’s okay. Seems like it’s going to be full of violence.”

  “Humph, no doubt.” He shrugged. “It’s about the emergence of crack in America; starting with the hood. Rich people use that pure cocaine shit. We get to use the bottom of the barrel leftovers.”

  The way he’d said “we” made me curious. “You ever use crack?”

  “No, not me, homes. Hell, I won’t lie. I’ve smoked my share of weed in my day and have no plans of giving it up, but I’m not trying to get strung out on crack. That shit’s for the birds.” He started caressing my arm. “Enough of all that. Why don’t you come here and give me a kiss?”

  “A kiss?”

  He grinned at me. “Yeah, a kiss. I know you’ve kissed before.”

  “I’ve done a lot of things before,” I quickly replied, not wanting him to know that I was still hanging on to my virginity like it was worth all the gold on the face of the earth.

  Ruiz smirked. “You don’t say. Tell me about some of the things you’ve done.”

  “Why would you want to hear about what I’ve done with other boys?”

  He took the popcorn out of my lap and sat it on the floor between my feet. “Actually, I’m more interested in you showing me. You’ve seen what boys have to offer. Now why don’t you come check out what a man has to offer?”

  Damn, I was scared as shit suddenly!

  “Come here and kiss me,” he beckoned. “Just one kiss and you can tell me whether you like it or not.”

  If there were such a thing as being weak in the knees when you’re sitting down, then that’s what I was; weak in the damn knees. I still wasn’t budging so he leaned over and kissed me. At first, I was timid and held back the tongue. Then I asked myself, What the hell are you doing, Rayne? Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted?

  I decided to let it go and—by the time Ruiz and I came back up for air—Wesley Snipes was shooting his best friend in the movie and it was practically over.

  It was the most intense kissing I’d ever experienced. Ruiz was right; men had a lot more to offer than boys. That kissing led to him taking me over to one of his friends’ apartments and blowing my damn back out. I’d seen numerous dicks, without a doubt. Boys had whipped their dicks out in front of me, trying to encourage me to feel them up or suck them off; neither of which was happening. But with Ruiz, it had been different. He’d kissed me so longingly that it made me feel desired; desired by the one person I’d always wanted to crave me. It had been like a dream sequence, him undressing me slowly and then undressing himself so I could gaze upon his exquisite form. When he took my left breast in his mouth, licking my nipple with his lengthy, moist tongue, I shivered. Ruiz knew what he was doing so I didn’t mind spreading my legs for him when he whispered, “Open up for me.”

  He figured out—when he was sticking his dick in my pussy—that I was indeed a virgin. It was like navigating a maze, him trying to get his seven inches up inside me. Once we managed to work it out, it was painful in the beginning. Then I closed my eyes and settled in for the ride. What a ride it was; my first time. He sucked every inch of me—twice—and I loved it.

  After we were done, Ruiz drove me home, and it suddenly seemed like there was some tension in the air.

  “Rayne, I don’t know what to say,” he said about a mile from my apartment.

  I sat there, in the bucket seat of his car, trying to find words to express what I was feeling. “Ruiz, I want you to know that I’m glad it was you.”

  “Glad it was me?”

  “Yeah, I’m glad you’re the one who took my virginity. It was as it should be.”

  He sighed and turned the heat on in his car. The early morning chill had kicked in outside. “Rayne, you’re my little sister’s best friend.”

  “And?” I asked. “Now I’m Chance’s best friend and your girlfriend, right?”

  Ruiz didn’t respond. He pulled up in front of our building, shifted into park, and glared at me under the streetlight.

  I got his drift. “It’s okay. I get it. I was something to do tonight; nothing more, nothing less.”

  He reached for my hand. “No, it’s not even like that. I love you.”

  I bit my bottom lip. Had he really said that?

  “You love me?” I asked. “Really?”

  “Yeah, I love you, like a sister and—”

  “Never mind.” I yanked my hand away, opened the car door and got out. “Thanks for the movie. Tell Chance I’ll call her later.”

  Ruiz jumped out of the driver’s side. “Rayne, let’s talk about this. We need to discuss it.”

  “There’s nothing to discuss. It happened.” My back was to him and it was going to stay that way because tears were streaming down my face. “Take care, Ruiz,” I said as I entered the front door of the building and ran up the steps.

  I sat in the stairwell on the second landing, wiping my face with my baby doll shirt. I tripped twice trying to get up that far. Heels and I didn’t agree well. I was ashamed. How could I have been so stupid? Then again, if I had to lose my virginity, I did want it to be with Ruiz. I’d expected it to be different, though; not during but afterwards. I’d expected him to be my man, to cherish me forever. Now I knew it was not to be; nothing even close.

  Momma had a fit when I entered our apartment. It was the first time she’d ever beat me into our place and she wasn’t a happy camper. I must’ve had “freshly fucked” written all over my face because she knew it from the second she looked at me.

  “You’ve been fucking!” she exclaimed, grabbing my arm and pulling me close to her so she could smell me.

  “Momma, what are you doing?” I pulled away and headed for my cramped room down the hall. “I was at the movies.”

  “Rayne, it’s three o’clock in the fuckin’ morning. Ain’t no movie theater open this time of night.” I tried to shut my door in her face but she pressed hard against it. For a minute, I struggled with her but finally gave in so she could enter. “Who were you out with?”

  “A friend,” I quickly replied.

  “What friend?”

  “A friend from school,” I lied.

  Ruiz was in his third year of college and besides, Momma would’ve completely lost it if she knew I’d been out alone with him. She still was hung up on his father; at least it seemed that way. She never passed up an opportunity to trash him.

  “Your ass better not be pregnant!” she screamed. “You better not be!”

  “Momma, I’m not pregnant,” I assured her, glad that Ruiz had been prepared with condoms. If there hadn’t been any, I probably would’ve done it anyway. Having known him for so long and fantasizing daily about being with him, I could see how young girls could easily be trusting and give it up without protection.

  I started undressing and that was a huge mistake. I didn’t realize that my panties were spotted with blood.

  “Damn,” Momma said. “It really happened.”

  I paused in the middle of my bedroom floor before pulling my cotton nightgown over my head and down over my hips. I really wanted to take a shower but there was no way I was walking past Momma to get to the hallway. I could smell the sex on me—a new scent for me but an all too familiar one for her. There was no way she’d miss it and surely had already caught a whiff. With my clothes off and my panties airing out freely under my gown, it was unmistakable.

  �
��Oh, my panties,” I finally whispered. “I’m about to come on my period.”

  I climbed in my bed and turned off the lamp on my nightstand, hoping she’d take the hint and go to her own room so she could pass out from her regular alcohol poisoning.

  Then I heard her sobs.

  I cut the light back on. “Momma, what’s wrong?”

  She came over and sat down on the edge of my bed, patting my thigh under the comforter. “I really wanted something better for you, baby.”

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  “I’d hoped that things would be different for you.”

  I was stunned. Somehow she knew that I’d lost my virginity that night; like she’d sensed it; like we were kindred spirits. I decided to come clean.

  “Momma, I’ll be honest. I did have sex for the first time tonight but it’s okay. I don’t regret it.”

  She ran her fingers through my hair. “Did he hurt you?”

  “No, he didn’t, Momma. It was…”

  “It was what, baby?”

  “It was special; it really was.”

  “Do you love him?” she asked.

  “In a way.” I lowered my eyes from her. “At least, I thought I did.”

  “So you gave it up for nothing,” she stated with disdain. Her demeanor suddenly turned cold as she got up from my bed and walked into the hallway. “Welcome to the world of whoredom!” she yelled as she slammed my bedroom door.

  As I sat there in my dorm room that Thanksgiving Day, surfing the Internet for information on upcoming activities on campus, that statement Momma had made that day flooded throughout my mind over and over. “Welcome to the world of whoredom!”

  Since the loss of my virginity, I’d been with numerous men; each time believing that the current selection would be “the one.” The one who’d love me; the one who’d cherish me; the one who’d stand in my corner. Each of them would enter my life, full of promises that quickly turned into lies and betrayal. I’d tried dating young men my age—the ones who appeared mature—but they were only after one thing; my sex. Once they got it, they moved on to their next victim. I’d tried dating slightly older men—the ones who wanted younger showpieces on their arms. They’d shower me with presents, take me to cultural events, and then expect me to give it up in return. I did most of the time. After all, they were at least spending some money on me; unlike the struggling college students who attempted to get some play.

  I’d most recently been dating a man named Solomon. He was twenty-eight, nine years my senior, and a paralegal for a local law firm. We’d made it through three months of romance and sex and I wondered how much longer it would last. There was no question that it would end. We weren’t even halfway compatible. It was a shame. That night with Ruiz, I was simply something for him to do. Now Solomon was simply something for me to do; a way to kill some time until Mr. Right finally came along.

  Solomon had gone to Texas to visit his grandparents for Thanksgiving; a family tradition of his. His parents and siblings were joining him there. Never once did he extend an invitation to me; even when he knew I would be on campus alone. That let me know that I wasn’t special.

  I went to a diner called the Jukebox for dinner. I ordered the blue plate special; obviously turkey, dressing, rice, and string beans because it was Thanksgiving. All the other booths were either occupied by families who’d burnt dinner or didn’t feel like cooking in the first place, or individuals who had somehow ended up alone for the holiday—whether by their own volition or someone else’s.

  I spotted a young African-American male in a booth on the other side of the diner. I’d seen him before, on campus. He had a different major so we’d never had a reason to speak. He started eyeing me and I didn’t break my stare. Why not flirt a little? Solomon wasn’t thinking about my ass. He was down in Texas eating high on the hog—a real Thanksgiving dinner—and I was eating a blue plate special.

  He was finishing up his meal and I saw his waitress give him a check. He got up, dropped a twenty on the table and walked toward me. Yes, he was definitely fine. About five-nine, chestnut skin, long, thick eyelashes over dark brown eyes, built nicely and bowlegged.

  He stood over me while I took a sip of my sweetened iced tea. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a while now.”

  I glanced up at him. “Is that so?”

  “Yes.”

  I pointed to the opposite side of the booth. “Then why not sit down and say it.”

  He sat and said, “You have the most beautiful gray eyes.”

  “Well, they say eyes are the portals to the soul,” I replied.

  “Then you must have a very special soul because you definitely have very special eyes.”

  I blushed. “I’m flattered. What’s your name?”

  “Bryant. Bryant Perrywood.”

  “I’m Rayne Waters,” I told him.

  “Oh, I know who you are, Rayne,” he said, full of implications.

  “Humph, and how do you know that?”

  “Because I’ve been watching you.”

  I blushed harder. “Why have you been watching me?”

  He shrugged. “We go to the same school, you’re attractive, why not watch you?”

  “There’re a lot of women on campus; many of them attractive.”

  “Yeah,” Bryant agreed. “But none of them turn me on the way you do.”

  “Oh, so I turn you on?”

  He chuckled. “Oh yeah, you definitely turn me on. We work out at the same gym. Did you know that?”

  “No, I didn’t. I’ve seen you on campus, but not at the gym. I take a spinning class three times a week.”

  “Oh, trust me, I know.” He grinned and his smile was great. “I love watching you spin.”

  Spinning was becoming popular back then and it was one hell of a workout. I was still struggling to get the weight off I’d gained from all the fast food in high school. The fat was falling off but I was still larger than I expected. Just meant to be, I supposed. When I was in class, I was in my own little world but I was still shocked I’d never seen Bryant there.

  “You don’t take the class with me?” I asked. “Surely, I would’ve noticed you.”

  “No, I usually live in the weight room, but I saw you there once, liked the vision, and have been checking you out ever since.”

  My mind flashed to Solomon for about five seconds and then I decided “fuck him!” He’d deserted me like I was a piece of trash.

  “So, Bryant,” I said, eyeing him seductively, “care to check out the rest of me back in my dorm room?”

  “Better yet, why don’t we go back to my apartment? I’ve got a brass waterbed.” He said that mockingly, imitating Morris Day’s line from Purple Rain, my all-time favorite movie. His as well.

  As it turned out, Bryant and I had a lot in common. For the first time, I felt like I’d possibly found the one. My days of “whoredom” were over; at least temporarily. Bryant and I dated for the next two years. The sex was off the chain. He taught me a lot of things about sex and I’d imagine that I reciprocated his efforts. We had sex at least three times a week—mostly on his waterbed—and he had a crooked dick that hit my g-spot just right. Then we broke up over something stupid; something I can’t even recall now. That’s the funny thing about life. You go through so many ups and downs and years later, the actions seem so inconsequential. The one thing, the one memory that remained significant to me was the way Ruiz had taken my virginity and then simply acted like it had never happened. Good riddens to both him and his wife!

  Four

  Yardley Brown, Age 20

  North Carolina Central University

  October 1994

  “Big Brother Smooth Operator!” His lip was trembling as he screamed it out. Yelling wasn’t acceptable; they had to scream out our names to even be acknowledged.

  “What, punk?” I asked my pledge as he stood in front of me, saluting me with his right hand. “What the hell do you want, punk?”<
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  “I request your presence tonight at my honors banquet, Big Brother Smooth Operator!” he screamed.

  Alicia Osborne was sitting beside me on the bench in front of the student union. She giggled while I glared up at him. “Why do you think I’d want to go to an honors banquet, punk?”

  “Because I can’t attend without your permission, Big Brother Smooth Operator.”

  “And?” I asked. It was true that he wasn’t allowed to take a good shit without asking me first. Everything they did on line was our business. “You can go to your stinking banquet, punk, but again I ask you why I’d want to go?”

  “Because I want to make you proud of me, Big Brother Smooth Operator!”

  I had to give it to Belford. He managed to keep his calm on line, unlike most of the pledges. Hell, when I’d pledged the year before, I was scared out of my wits most of the time. Belford came from money; pure and simple. His father was a multimillionaire who had made his money with overseas investments. With only a fourth grade education, he’d managed to start out as a longshoreman in Maine, learn about life and money from the wealthy men he worked for, and make his own way in life. Belford Springfield, Sr. was a famous man and his son, Belford, Jr., my responsibility while he pledged my fraternity, was likely to follow in his footsteps. Belford was brilliant, polished from attending the best boarding schools in the country, and destined for greatness. Yet, he could get down and dirty like the rest of us.

  Part of me wanted to tell Belford that I was proud of him, but that wouldn’t have been considered “cool.” The brothers of Psi Omega Chi didn’t play niceness with pledges. Shit, all of us had been hazed and ridiculed to gain the honor for life. They had to do the same. It hurt me to come out my mouth with it but I said, “Belford, you can go to the banquet but I’ve got better shit to do.” I took Alicia’s hand. “I’ve got business to handle.”

  He seemed like he wanted to cry. All the late night degradation and stupid assignments were taking their toll on him. He had to be strong though. Once it was all over in two more weeks, I planned to make him my partner for life.