Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  ‘Yes, although I still think it looks pretty much like someone has thrown up on your plate.’

  Jade snorted. ‘No more than that disgusting mess you made with your mix of egg, beans and mushrooms last time.’

  ‘It’s not the look, it’s the taste.’ Nick was defensive.

  ‘Yeah. Wouldn’t that be a good name for a café?’ Jade waved her free arm expansively. ‘Looks Shit. Tastes Amazing.’

  Nick had to laugh at that. ‘I would go for Shit Looks. Amazing Taste. A bit more punchy. Bring in the customers.’

  As they stopped outside the café, Nick turned to Jade. ‘How is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Because that’s what I’m feeling today. Like there’s a black cloud over everything. But then you just made me laugh. Which just feels weird.’

  She looked up at him, startled by the sudden change of topic, and for one unguarded moment he could see his own emotions mirrored in her eyes. ‘I don’t know. All I know is that it is.’ She turned away, as if worried that he might see something on her face, but then suddenly turned back, an intensity in her eyes that surprised him.

  ‘They say that everything passes. But I don’t think it does. I think emotions are like the sea. It’s sometimes smooth and sunny, and sometimes the wind is blowing so hard you think you’re going to sink.’ She opened the door, and motioned for him to go in. And as he passed her, she added, ‘But it’s when you think you’re just about to drown that someone else tends to pass by with a life raft.’

  She was his life raft, he realised. And he hoped she wasn’t going to disappear any time soon, because the thought of swimming through the waves on his own was enough to make him panic.

  Nick had to admit that Jade had been right about the breakfast. The bread was amazing, and the freshness of the taste went much better with his unsettled stomach that a cooked breakfast would have done.

  ‘So, where are we going today?’ He pushed his empty plate back, surprised that he had managed to eat at all. Still, Jade had distracted him with random stories about funny things that had happened at work, and he had hardly noticed himself eating until he had gone to take another bite and found it all gone.

  ‘We were supposed to be going to the Kelvingrove Museum, but I got a text last night that with the weather as it is then we’re just going to have a picnic in the park.’

  ‘Sounds great.’ Nick stretched his long legs out under the table, taking care to angle them so they wouldn’t brush against Jade’s. Last thing he wanted was for that to happen. Actually, he realised he was lying to himself. He was craving physical contact today just like a thirsty person desperate for water. But the last thing he wanted was for Jade to feel uncomfortable with him. He didn’t think he would survive if he lost their easy friendship.

  ‘Yeah.’ Jade checked her watch. ‘In fact, we’d better get ourselves off to the station or we’ll be late.’

  ‘It seems a long way to go all the way up there, just to come back here. Can’t we just meet them there?’

  Jade stood up and pulled him to his feet. ‘Come on, lazy bones. A promise is a promise. Besides, Archie has been looking forward to seeing you since last time.’

  ‘Really?’ Nick couldn’t quite believe what he had just heard. ‘Looking forward to seeing me?’

  ‘Oh God, did I not tell you?’ Jade stopped in front of the till and rolled her eyes. ‘Lily’s been texting me. She says he hasn’t stopped talking about you. What did you say to him?’

  Nick started to say something, and then realised she was teasing him, and folded his arms. ‘Any more of that, and you’ll have to pay for breakfast.’

  Jade shook a finger at him. ‘No way. I’ll skip off and leave you washing dishes. But seriously, he is really keen to see you. So you can’t let him down.’

  As they set off down the road Nick could feel the sunshine slowly warming the numbness in his body. Summer was coming. In fact, today almost felt like summer. He should take some time off. Get up north. Do some walking. Hang out by the rivers. Go kayaking. He hadn’t had a break since Christmas. It was about time.

  Jade had been right. Archie welcomed Nick warmly, shaking his hand firmly, and patting him heartily on the shoulders when he sat down. Lily enveloped him in a rose-scented hug.

  ‘Is that a new perfume you’re wearing?’ He was good at smells, he realised. Enough to tell that it was different from what she had on last time.

  Lily smiled, clearly impressed that he had noticed. ‘Yes. Archie got it for my birthday. Came all the way from London.’

  ‘They’ve been teaching us how to use the internet.’ Archie looked smug. ‘So I thought I would put my new skills to good use.’

  ‘How old are you now, Lily?’ A little smile lifted the corners of Jade’s mouth.

  Lily looked sternly at Jade, but Nick could see the twinkle in her eyes. This was clearly some sort of game that they had played before. ‘Goodness! You know a lady never tells.’ She clasped her hands in front of her dramatically, and all four of them laughed.

  The bustle started to get everyone into the minibus, and soon they were speeding their way towards their destination. There was no singing this time. Everyone just seemed content to relax and enjoy the sunshine.

  Keith dropped them off at the entrance to the park, and they made their way slowly along the winding path. The park was busy with the sounds of people playing football and kids shouting and screaming. It seemed like half of Glasgow was out to enjoy the sun. A group of park runners wove their way past the wheelchairs at one point, flowing around them like rocks in a stream.

  ‘We need a flat bit to play croquet,’ Jade said, just when Nick was starting to wonder if they were going to walk the whole length of the park.

  ‘Ah, that’s what that weirdly-shaped bag is for.’ He pointed at the red bag that one of the other volunteers was carrying. ‘I’d wondered that.’

  ‘Yeah. Although we’ve only got four balls and mallets, so I think we’re going to have to do some teams or something.’

  ‘Some people won’t be able to play,’ Nick pointed out.

  ‘Yeah.’ Jade agreed. ‘Although that guy over there,’ she pointed at one of the wheelchairs up ahead of them, ‘pretty much all he remembers how to do is play croquet. Can’t even remember if he’s had breakfast, but if you put a mallet in his hand, he’s a bit of a pro.’

  ‘Weird.’ Nick couldn’t help marvelling at the brain and how complex it was. People would probably never understand it all.

  They finally found the perfect spot and settled themselves down. Someone offered Nick a camping chair, but he politely declined, preferring to lie himself down on a rug. He closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of people’s affection wrapping around him like a warm winter jacket, staving off the cold feeling of loneliness. He really should keep on looking for other jobs again, he thought. It was awful to be stuck in that office five days a week. The dark feeling that came over him every time he thought about work started to pull him in, but he pushed it away. Don’t think about that right now, he thought. Leave it until Monday morning.

  He focused on the little things. The feel of grass under his right hand where it had slipped off the edge of the rug. The gentle breeze on this face. The sound of a blackbird singing in a tree somewhere. It was a beautiful day.

  Jade watched Nick as he lay on the ground. His face looked different, she realised. The line in the middle of his forehead had smoothed out to almost nothing, and his breath rose and fell evenly. He even had a faint smile on his lips. She suddenly wished she could freeze him just like that. Life was so cruel to people with mental health problems. Break a leg, and everyone gave you sympathy. Go through a crisis that seemed to be entirely in your brain, and people didn’t really have a clue about how to react.

  There was a vigorous discussion going on around her about how to set up the croquet teams. Jade leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, only half listening. The sun warmed her face, making her think that she should have brought s
un cream. Lily would have some. But it could wait just a bit longer before she put some on.

  Someone tapped her on the shoulder. ‘It’s three teams of four, and then the winners will all play each other.’

  Jade opened her eyes, shading the sun with her hand as she looked up at Connie. ‘OK. What are the teams?’

  ‘Well, Archie and Nick, with—’

  ‘Oh no.’ Archie interrupted. ‘I’m too old for all these shenanigans.’

  Nick sat up. ‘Oh, come on, Archie. I can’t believe you’re wimping out of this one.’ His hair was all tousled from lying on the grass, and Jade longed to smooth it down for him.

  Archie looked down at Nick, slightly affronted. ‘Well, young man, unless you’re going to invent a new sport called wheelchair croquet …’

  Nick’s face broke out in a massive grin. ‘I don’t have to. It’s already been invented. More than a hundred years ago in fact.’ He jumped up and grabbed the back of Archie’s wheelchair. ‘And we are going to play it.’

  Jade couldn’t help laughing at the eager expression on Archie’s face as Nick wheeled him over to the centre of the small patch of grass that had been chosen as their croquet lawn. There was much discussion about the best way to set out the hoops, and then the game began.

  The croquet game was a lot of fun. Archie quickly adapted to his new skill, and Nick made fake racing noises as he steered the wheelchair around the grass. There were a lot of insults traded to try and put people off their game, and one of the helpers kept up an Olympic-style sports commentary which had them all in stitches.

  It was in the middle of the first round, when he was waiting for Archie to take a shot, that Nick looked straight over at Jade. Focused on Archie, she caught the movement, and looked up just in time to see Nick’s infectious grin and a wink. The action was so natural that she couldn’t help winking back. Nick turned his attention back to the game, but Jade was caught, stunned by the realisation that despite her best efforts to not get sucked in, she had. She now cared about his happiness. Very deeply, in fact.

  You’re going to have to tell him about me, Ruby whispered in her mind, if you care about him that much.

  Jade took a deep breath. She would, she thought. And actually, knowing about what had happened to someone else might even help Nick. And explain a lot of things to him about her own behaviour. But it wasn’t like she could just casually drop into the conversation something she had never told anyone else: you know what, my little sister committed suicide last year and it was all my fault …

  Dinner, she thought, struggling to focus. She was planning to invite him to dinner at home next week. Mum had promised to cook because she was dying to meet Nick anyway. She could take Nick up to her room and show him the photos and tell him then. That was a good plan. And her anger at herself was just something she would have to deal with, if there was a chance to help someone else.

  Lily, sitting next to her, touched her arm. ‘Are you OK?’

  That was Lily, just always quietly attuned to other people’s feelings. No wonder she had been so successful as a social worker. But Jade’s feelings of guilt connected with her sister’s death were something that she had never been able to reveal to anyone, not even Lily.

  ‘Yes actually.’ Jade pulled herself up in her chair and squeezed the older woman’s hand briefly. ‘I am.’ She twisted her neck from side to side, feeling the release of tension from her shoulders that had come from making the decision. She could do this. She would be strong.

  Cheering and clapping brought her focus back onto the game in front of her. Archie had won the game, although she didn’t know how much of that was due to his skill, or if the others had let him win. It didn’t matter anyway, she reminded herself. The whole point of this was to have fun.

  ‘Come on.’ She took Lily’s arm and helped her up. ‘We’re up next.’

  Jade flopped onto the picnic blanket, badly in need of a drink and glad for the tree that had thrown its shade over their sitting area as the sun grew higher. She would have loved to say that the final had been close, but as usual Jim had trounced everyone again, although second place had been a tightly-fought battle between Archie and Connie, with Archie losing out narrowly to the woman who often took care of Jim on these outings.

  ‘He’s been giving her lessons,’ Archie grumbled as Nick wheeled him back into position beside Lily’s chair.

  ‘Don’t feel too bad,’ Jade told him. ‘Jim was the national croquet champion three years running back in the day. I looked him up.’

  ‘I’m amazed that that’s really a thing,’ Nick said, throwing himself down beside her.

  Jade could feel his presence only inches away from hers, and it felt sort of comforting. If they had been alone then she probably would have reached out and touched him, but instead she just lay with her face propped up on her hands, enjoying the feeling of being near to him.

  Someone passed her a can. The cold metal felt amazing in her fingers, and when she cracked it open and felt the fizzy chill slide down her throat then she thanked whoever had invented ice boxes.

  They sat enjoying their sandwiches, watching the world go by and saying very little.

  ‘I bet the staff at your place are glad to get rid of everyone for a few hours,’ Nick said.

  Lily shook her head. ‘Maybe. They always use the time to give everywhere a proper clean, so it’s not like they’re getting a rest.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Nick was surprised. ‘They do work hard, don’t they?’ It made his nine to five, Monday to Friday seem pretty relaxed. But still, even eight hours in an office was too much if you hated it.

  It was all too soon for Jade when they had to pack up. She could have stayed in the park all afternoon. But she could feel her face getting slightly warm, in spite of the sun cream. She pushed herself up off the grass with regret.

  After everyone was settled back home, Jade walked Nick back to the station, despite his protests that he could find the way. It was starting to cloud over now and a strong breeze helped the fluffy masses through the sky.

  ‘Thanks for coming,’ she said, as they stopped by the station entrance.

  ‘My pleasure,’ Nick said. He put his palm on his face, which was already starting to look slightly pink. ‘But I really should remember to wear sun cream next time.’

  ‘Oh! I never thought!’ Jade put a hand to her mouth. ‘Lily had some in her handbag.’

  ‘I’ll just put some after sun on it when I get home.’

  ‘Well, that’s probably the summer over, so you should be OK.’ Jade suddenly remembered something. ‘Oh, next Saturday you’re invited for dinner at my place. My mum’s going to cook and she’s amazing.’

  Nick grinned. ‘Is that the next thing on the list? Eat some amazing food?’

  ‘Close. It’s eat some good food that you haven’t had to cook yourself.’

  ‘Interesting that you picked that one. Regular chores seem to be the thing that get me down the most.’

  Nick kissed her on the cheek and she could feel the warmth coming off his face. She badly wanted to reach for him, to pull him in for a hug, but by the time her thoughts crystallised into actions he was gone.

  Chapter 6

  Jade paced around in her bedroom, feeling a knot in the bottom of her stomach. Over the past week she had gone through a hundred different ways to tell Nick about her sister, and none of them seemed right. In fact, she had skipped going to yoga this morning because she was sure that he would see her mental turmoil written large on her face.

  Pick up the photo, say this is her, act casual. As if Ruby didn’t matter to you? Her brain frowned at her accusingly. What if he thought she didn’t care? What if he rejected her once he knew the whole story? And what if she started crying? Made a fool of herself? Embarrassed him into leaving?

  The doorbell rang, and she heard her mum go and answer it. It was too late. She would just have to wing it when the time came.

  Nick checked the house number once again on his phone. Ye
p, this was definitely the right one. But when the door opened there stood a small Chinese woman with short black hair, which was definitely what he wasn’t expecting.

  ‘Hi,’ she said with a big smile. ‘You must be Nick. I’m Shirley.’ Then, perhaps sensing his confusion, she added, ‘Jade’s mum. So pleased to meet you.’ She held out her hand.

  Nick was sure that she had been through this particular ritual many times. Feeling himself growing slightly red, he took her hand and grasped it tentatively. She had an unexpectedly firm grip, and he found his own hand tightening up in response, his shyness slowly retreating.

  ‘I brought you this.’ He held out a bottle of wine in the other hand.

  Shirley took it from him. ‘So kind of you. Please come in.’

  She took him through the hall, but instead of turning into the sitting room, where he could hear the TV was on, she led him to the back of the house, where what was once presumably the dining room had been combined with the kitchen. She sat him down at the small wooden dining table and turned to stir something on the stove. The back door stood open, with the evening sun streaming in through the gap.

  If the smell in the air was any indication, she was as good a cook as Jade had claimed. Nick inhaled deeply, savouring the scents that he couldn’t define. His stomach rumbled.

  ‘I am sure Jade will be down in just a minute.’ Shirley pulled a glass out of a cupboard. ‘We’ll have your wine with the meal. Would you like some juice while we wait?’

  Nick nodded. ‘That would be great.’

  Sure enough, a few moments later Jade opened the kitchen door.

  ‘Hey.’ Her smile was kind of tentative, and he wondered if it had anything to do with her missing yoga this morning. He had enjoyed the class, but it hadn’t felt the same without her.

  ‘Hey.’ He started to get up, but the table sort of trapped him, and by the time he had got halfway then Jade had already pulled out the chair opposite. Her mother set another glass of orange juice on the table for her.

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’