Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  Feeling back inside the bag, he came across a zipped compartment. That would be it. He opened it up and there was the phone. But as he pulled it out, a worn piece of paper fluttered to the ground. He picked it up, glancing at it without thinking.

  Hug someone. The words jumped out at him, and his eyes were drawn to the page. Read a good book. Do some exercise.

  This must be the original copy of the happy list. Intrigued, he opened out the paper.

  Dear Ruby, it started,

  I have written you this list of happy things, for you to do when you get sad. I know that things haven’t been easy for you over the last couple of weeks, but I love you very much and I wish that I could take everything bad away.

  He started, suddenly painfully aware that he was reading something intensely personal that he probably shouldn’t be. A hot flush of shame went up the back of his neck. He folded up the paper carefully and gently placed it back where it had come from, and then did the same with the rest of Jade’s things.

  He was going to have to tell her that he had seen the letter. Not doing that would be almost like lying.

  Stepping back into the living room, he closed the door firmly behind him. Jade smiled at him and reached for her phone. ‘Thanks.’ Then she saw his face. ‘What’s up?’

  He lay down beside her, propping himself up on one elbow. ‘I saw the letter. I didn’t mean to. It just fell out when I got your phone out.’

  ‘Ah. Jade’s face suddenly became blank. ‘I’d forgotten that was in there.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t read all of it. Only the first few words.’ Nick felt terrible.

  Jade lay back, arms behind her head, phone forgotten. ‘I don’t even know why I carry it around, really.’ Then she looked at him. ‘You can read it if you want.’ She propped herself up on her elbow, unconsciously mirroring his position. ‘In fact, you probably should read it. After all, you already know the main details of the story.’ She tugged her t-shirt down nervously.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Nick didn’t want to push into her personal life unless it was something she wanted to share.

  ‘Yeah.’ He knew her off-hand manner was hiding a lot of emotion. But this was a chance to get to know her better. Which he should be happy for.

  Before he could say anything else, she rolled off the bed and went to fetch her bag. Then she pulled out the paper and handed it to him. ‘Read.’ She perched on the end of the bed.

  He unfolded it carefully, aware that the creases were already very worn. The beginning of the letter was just as he had read it earlier. This was followed by the list of things that Jade had already told him about. Then there followed another four things. He read through them, marvelling at their simplicity. At the bottom of the list it was just signed ‘with much love, Jade xx’

  Jade’s face was a picture of sadness. ‘I just feel guilty about it really, because I never got to give it to her. I guess that’s why I’ve been carrying around. But maybe it was just waiting for you instead.’ She shrugged.

  ‘Thanks for letting me read it.’ He folded the paper carefully and laid it gently on the bedside table, then pulled her to him in a hug. She hugged him back, and they lay side by side for a few minutes, legs intertwined.

  Nick couldn’t help thinking about the list. ‘It seems a strange sort of list, really.’

  Jade propped herself up on one elbow. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, for an old person.’ Nick couldn’t really explain what he meant. If her grandmother had been sick, how would she have been able to do all that kind of stuff?

  Jade looked at him as if he was crazy. ‘She wasn’t old. She was just seventeen.’

  ‘Wait. Wait.’ Nick rubbed his forehead. ‘Aren’t we talking about your grandmother?’

  Jade made a silent O with her mouth, and her eyes went wide. ‘Oh. Oh. You didn’t know. Oh. Shit. You thought it was … Oh.’

  She paused, pinching the sides of her nose as if her head hurt. ‘How did you get that idea?’

  Nick shook his head, confused now. ‘You mentioned that you’d started going to see Lily after your grandmother had died. And then, when your mum mentioned Ruby’s funeral, I just thought …’

  ‘Oh. Shit. Yes. Of course.’ Jade flipped over onto her stomach, resting her head on her arms. ‘No. No. Ruby was my sister.’

  ‘Oh. God.’ It was Nick’s turn to have his mouth drop open, and he could feel the heat flush his skin in embarrassment at his mistake. ‘What happened to her?’

  ‘She committed suicide. Off the bridge. A year ago last February.’ Jade turned her head away.

  ‘Off the …’ Nick’s brain was struggling to process what she had just said, and then it all fell into place. ‘The bridge.’ He looked at her with new understanding. ‘God.’

  ‘I thought you knew, otherwise I would have told you sooner. I’m so sorry. I should go.’ Her face bright red, Jade gathered up her bag and phone, and scrambled off the bed, searching for her jumper.

  ‘No. No. Please stay. I’m sorry. We don’t have to – I mean – just stay.’ He rubbed the back of his neck, cursing his inability with words at the crucial moment.

  She looked at him for a long moment, and the silence stretched out between them. Then she nodded slowly. ‘OK.’

  She lay back down, and he gathered her into his arms. He rested his chin on her head while his mind raced, thinking back through every single conversation. What a cock up. Serve him right for thinking he was so clever. Assumptions. Always a bad idea. They were what got you killed in the mountains. His face burned hot again as he thought about it. He wanted to apologise again, but he knew it wouldn’t help. He felt so inadequate at that point that he couldn’t have even begun to think about what to say.

  But silence seemed to be what she wanted, although she lay so still that the movement of her breathing was the only sign of life.

  After a long while she stirred.

  ‘You OK?’ he murmured quietly.

  ‘I thought you’d seen the picture.’ Jade rubbed her face against his chest. Her voice was flat and emotionless.

  ‘What picture?’

  ‘The one in the hallway. The four of us on holiday.’

  Nick frowned. ‘Never noticed it.’

  There was another long silence. The light outside slowly faded as they lay there, and the gathering dusk enfolded them.

  ‘You’re hopeless, you know. Massive picture in the hallway, and you never noticed it.’

  It didn’t sound as if she was angry at him. In fact, the tone in her voice was that of fond exasperation.

  ‘I was too busy looking at you.’ He said it with the same light teasing tone, but in actual fact it was the honest truth.

  There was a snort. ‘Charmer.’

  Nick let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. That was his real Jade back. Things were going to be OK. He just kissed the top of her head and squeezed her gently again.

  ‘I’d better text my mum before she starts to worry that I’ve fallen under a bus.’ Jade reached for her phone.

  ‘You do that.’ Nick stripped off his trousers and pulled back the covers. He tossed her a t-shirt. ‘Have this if you want. Bathroom’s through that door there.’

  ‘Thanks.’ She gathered it up and disappeared, returning in a few minutes with her hair plaited back. The t-shirt reached her mid-thigh in a very attractive way, but he pushed those thoughts away for now. He was still in shock that he had got things so wrong. And now so many of her comments made much more sense. The comments about Ruby’s funeral. Her knowledge about depression. The way she had felt like her friends didn’t understand. And as they lay down together, Jade curling her body into his, the thoughts were still whirling through his head, piecing everything together. Now her reluctance to get involved with him was completely logical. If you had lost one person you loved in your life, why would you want to risk losing another?

  His heart went out to her. She was so brave. To jump into something like this with him
after what had happened to her already. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He would just have to try to be the best version of himself that he could be. For her. And for himself too.

  He lay there, a quiet resolve growing on him as he listened to her gentle breathing as she slept.

  He didn’t realise he had fallen asleep until he felt Jade stir beside him. The light was streaming into the room. He had forgotten to draw the curtains last night.

  Jade yawned, and stretched. ‘What time is it?’

  He checked his watch. ‘It’s only seven.’

  Jade stretched again, and sat up. ‘I’d better get going. We start at ten on Sundays, and I still have to get home and change.’

  He pulled her in for a lingering kiss, which she willingly indulged in. But finally she pushed him away. ‘Come on, Romeo. Some of us have jobs to get to.’

  ‘I’ll see you next Saturday?’ He desperately wanted to make sure that things were alright between them, but didn’t know how to ask.

  ‘Yeah. Sure. And since you’ve seen the list now, why don’t you pick what we do? You know what’s coming next.’

  She disappeared into the bathroom.

  Chapter 12

  Jade hurried towards the station. The grey clouds threatened rain, and she didn’t want to get caught out in her light summer jacket. Her parents wouldn’t mind about her staying out all night. All they seemed to want from her was for her to be happy. But then, in some ways, that was the hardest request of all. To be happy. What did that even mean? And how the hell did she go about doing it?

  Sometimes she caught a glimpse of happiness. Sometimes, for a fleeting moment, she managed to think of herself as not one of two sisters, but an individual in her own right. And that was what she liked most about Nick. He made her feel like a real person. Took her exactly as she was, without the shadow of her sister following her.

  Maybe that would change now. Maybe he would see her differently. The look on his face last night when she had told him, that that had been painful to watch. The look in his eyes as he realised. And, to make things worse, she still hadn’t shared the whole story with him. She had been so close to doing it, but somehow the words had passed her by.

  She shook off the thought. They could only go forward now. One day at a time. As she had been doing ever since her sister had died. She had never intended to fall for someone like Nick. And it was kind of ironic that he seemed to be the one person who was actually good for her. They were either going to manage to help each other through this, or just crash and burn in flames together. But she had to tell him the whole story. The next time she saw him.

  The house was quiet when she pushed open the door. She tiptoed upstairs, anxious not to wake anyone. Still, she would need a shower. And clean underwear. The noise of the shower would probably wake her mum up. Not her dad, though, who slept like a log. Although she’d never come across a log that snored quite as much as he did.

  Sure enough, when she came downstairs, hair scraped up into her usual messy bun, her mum had already brewed a pot of tea. Jade poured herself a cup and sipped it slowly, savouring the delicate taste. No tea bags were allowed in the house; it was always brewed directly from fresh leaves. Silence settled in the kitchen as they both sipped their drinks and munched through their breakfast. Jade had shared many weekend mornings like this with her mum. Ruby hadn’t been a morning person either. So often, while the other two had slumbered above, the two women had shared a pot of tea and a chat about what was going on in their lives.

  Was that a factor in what had happened, Jade suddenly thought. She had talked it all out while Ruby had kept it all in?

  She found herself telling her mum about what had happened with Nick. His assumptions, her assumptions, the big misunderstanding, the lot. And then she flinched as she realised what she had done. This was the first time that she had really spoken openly to either of her parents about Ruby and how she felt about it all.

  She looked into the older woman’s face, to try to gauge her reaction. There was pain there, sure, but also a smile on her face, as if she was happy about something. Before she could ask what it was, her mum rose, gently placing the empty teapot on the sideboard.

  ‘You’re right. You should tell him the whole story about Ruby and what happened. I think it would be good for you. And for him. But first,’ she looked towards the clock on the wall, ‘you need to get yourself off to work.’

  Jade dumped her teacup in the sink, grabbed her bag from the corner and gave her mum a squeeze and a quick kiss on the cheek. Her mum’s eyes were suspiciously bright, but she gave her a gentle shove. ‘You get yourself off. I’ll see you tonight.’

  ‘Bye Mum. Love you.’ She ran out the door.

  Nick packed his daysack carefully. Picnic, snacks, water, waterproofs. Emergency shelter, because you never knew. The days were so long at the moment that he didn’t bother with a torch. If he was desperate then he could always use his phone. He was torn between excitement at actually having someone to spend the day with, and desperate dread that it would end as badly as the other walking trip.

  He was waiting outside on the pavement bang on time. A couple of minutes later a tiny red car pulled up beside him. Sean hopped out of the driver’s seat and pulled it forward so Nick could squeeze in the back. Then he slammed the door and they started off. Nick settled himself into the corner of his seat, placing his bag beside him.

  ‘This is Stevie,’ Sean indicated the guy sitting next to him, ‘and sitting next to you is Pete.’ He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. ‘But we sometimes call him Stumpy Stevie, when he’s being a pain, and Pete is often Prof, because of all the long words he uses.’

  ‘Says the librarian.’ Stevie grinned backwards over his shoulder towards Nick. He was a bit of a stumpy sort of person; quite stocky and not that tall. Unremarkable brown hair was cut in an unremarkable style. In contrast, Pete was thin and wiry, with a thick brown shock of wavy hair not too dissimilar to Nick’s own. Pete looked like he’d spent quite a bit of time outdoors, whereas Stevie’s complexion was fairly pale. A bit like Nick’s own really, there was still a long way to go before he was back to the brown he used to be when he spent most of his time outdoors.

  ‘Great to meet you.’ Nick smiled at Pete. ‘So where are we going?’

  ‘Well, Stevie’s not been out walking for a while, so we’re going to take it easy today. We’re just going to do a low-level peak near Loch Lomond and then we’ll probably stop for a drink in a pub somewhere.’

  ‘Sounds good.’ Nick envied the way that the three of them seemed so comfortable with each other. Still, they had invited him along, which was nice of them.

  Over the course of the journey, Nick found out that Pete was working as a post-doc, although the specifics of what he was working on completely went over his head. Stevie worked in an office doing admin. Pete and Sean were pretty much the same age, late twenties, while Stevie was only a year older than Nick. All three were single.

  ‘Although,’ Pete admitted, ‘I did meet someone last night. And he gave me his number.’

  Stevie let out a wolf whistle, while Sean thumped the steering wheel in excitement, inadvertently sounding the horn.

  ‘Go on! Give us all the details.’ Sean sounded like he couldn’t contain his excitement. ‘Were you out for the night?’

  ‘Actually, it was in the university library.’ Pete sounded both slightly embarrassed and slightly pleased with himself.

  Stevie let out a theatrical groan. ‘Oh my god. Another academic. You’re going to end up happily married with lots of disgustingly intelligent children.’

  ‘Actually not.’ Pete winked at Nick. ‘He’s a mature student. Not in my department, luckily. Said he was finding his course pretty challenging, that’s why he was in the library late on a Saturday night. He used to be in the army.’ Stevie let out another wolf whistle, and Pete pretended to hit him over the head in retaliation. ‘Anyway, we’re going to meet up some time this week.’

&nbs
p; And of course the next question was about Nick’s love life. He found himself telling them all about Jade. He left out the happy list, and the bit about her sister, and how they had met. Those things were private.

  ‘She does sound pretty amazing.’ Stevie sounded a bit wistful.

  ‘Stevie here used to be married,’ Sean looked in the rear-view mirror directly at Nick. ‘But she ditched him when things got tough.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Stevie hastened to correct him. ‘We kind of ditched each other. I think we both just realised that we’d become different people.’

  There was a bit of a silence, as if no one quite knew how to follow that. But Sean taking a turn off the main road turned the conversation back to where they were going, and what the plan for the day was.

  They soon pulled up in a small car park by the side of the road, and Sean let the two in the back out.

  Nick stretched, enjoying the feeling of being free to move after being curled up in the cramped car. Still, he wasn’t complaining. There was a hill to be climbed, and a picnic to be had. Anticipation curled through him, making his face break out into a grin.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ He hadn’t realised until the other man spoke that Sean was standing looking at him.

  Nick shrugged. ‘Nothing. Well, everything. It’s just – well, mountains.’

  Sean laughed, and gave Nick a friendly thump on the shoulder. ‘I knew it was a good idea to invite you along.’

  They did a quick poll and decided to wait for lunch until they got to the top. Nick was glad they had chosen one of the lower hills. Dark grey clouds drifted around the mountain tops, which looked very forbidding in this weather. There was no way he’d want to be up there; it would be wet and cold. In fact, they’d be lucky if they didn’t get rained on this afternoon. Still, they all looked well-prepared for the weather. And at least it wasn’t that windy. Could be much worse.