Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  Jade was still trying to process what had happened. ‘If I’d known it could be like that … well.’

  Nick laughed softly. ‘You mean, you might have jumped on me earlier?’

  Jade opened her mouth to give a cutting retort, and then realised he was teasing her. ‘Maybe.’ She reached her mouth up for another kiss, which he gave her willingly.

  Her stomach rumbled loudly, and they both laughed. ‘I am starving. What time is it?’

  Nick reached over her for his watch. ‘Probably about dinner time. What do you want to do? Go out? Get takeaway? Cook something here?’ He squinted at the dial. ‘Yeah, it’s already almost six.’

  Jade considered for a minute. ‘We could cook something, if you want. What have you got in?’ The thought of creating a dinner with Nick kind of appealed to her.

  She yelped as he got out of bed and cold air rushed in. He crossed to the fridge, still completely naked, and bent to open the door. Jade stayed where she was, admiring the view. She liked how he wasn’t self-conscious at all.

  He lifted a packet out. ‘There’s sausages here.’ He bent again to open a drawer. ‘And I think I’ve got some potatoes.’ He turned. ‘Bangers and mash? I think I might have some peas in the freezer.’

  ‘Meat and two veg? I think I could be happy with that.’ Jade flashed him a wicked smile.

  He looked down to where her gaze was focused and then made a dive for the bed, wrapping her up in the duvet and tickling her until she squealed for mercy.

  ‘You’re a wicked, wicked woman.’ His smile was broad. ‘But I like you.’

  It didn’t take long to prepare the dinner, for which Jade was thankful. They ate at the small table, hands often touching, as if they were reluctant to let go of each other after the experiences they had shared.

  ‘Will you stay the night?’ Nick looked at her when they had finished eating.

  ‘Sure.’ Jade squeezed his hand. ‘Let me just text my mum to say that I won’t be back.’

  She retrieved her bag from where she had flung it, and sat down on the sofa to write her message. But when she pressed the button to activate the screen nothing happened. Somehow the battery was dead. Then she remembered. She had been in such a worry about the abseiling last night, she had forgotten to plug it in. She’d been worried about telling Nick everything too, she suddenly remembered, the guilt flooding back. But everything that had happened today had just driven it completely from her mind. She had been so busy enjoying herself that she had forgotten all about Ruby.

  ‘I’ve got no battery.’ At the sound of her voice Nick turned around from the sink, his hands covered in soap suds.

  ‘Don’t worry, you can use mine. It’s by the bed.’ He pointed to where his bright blue phone lay on the bedside table.

  ‘But I don’t know her number. It’s in my phone.’ She could feel the anxiety hit her. ‘If I don’t text her she’ll worry.’

  Nick dried his hands on a towel. ‘Now you’re acting all weird. It’s just a phone.’

  ‘No. You don’t understand. I have to have my phone. If I don’t then how will people get hold of me if something happens?’ She knew she was being short with him, but she couldn’t stop herself. She felt a tightening in her chest. Oh please no. Not a panic attack. Not here. Not now.

  ‘Hey. Hey.’ Nick couldn’t work out where all this had come from. He crossed to the sofa and kneeled down beside her. Gently prising the phone out of her grip, he took her hands in his own. ‘Something tells me that this is about more than just a phone. What’s going on?’

  Jade just looked at him and burst into tears.

  Oh, God. What had he done now? All this about a phone battery. What was going on?

  He looked at the phone. It wasn’t the same as his, but it looked as if it had the same charger as his watch. It only took two seconds to plug it in.

  He turned back to Jade. She was still sobbing as if her heart was broken, head laid down on the arm of the sofa. He sat down next to her, putting an uncertain arm around her shoulders. It was only a couple of minutes until she lifted her head.

  Kitchen roll. That was all he had. He lifted the roll from where it still lay beside the bed and tore off a piece for her. Angry Jade, prickly Jade, defensive Jade, all these things he could deal with. But seeing her this upset was almost too much for him.

  Jade wiped her eyes with the paper towel. ‘I’m sorry. I overreacted. It’s just—’ she swallowed, sniffing loudly, ‘I left my phone at home that night.’

  His face must have betrayed some of his total confusion, because she collected herself, obviously realising that he didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. ‘The night Ruby jumped off the bridge.’ She took a deep breath to steady her breathing and sniffed again. A loud sound came from her as she blew her nose.

  Nick racked his brains for something that would sound sympathetic but not trite and came up with exactly nothing. So he squeezed her shoulder, rubbing his hand up and down the top of her arm.

  Jade pulled away and squished herself into the corner of the sofa. Despite her retreat, he took some comfort from the fact that she hadn’t pulled away from him completely; her feet were still resting against his leg.

  She swivelled herself around until she was looking directly at him. Her eyes looked dark black in her pale face. ‘I’ve been meaning to tell you for ages. That’s what I wanted to tell you last weekend. When we were in the park. I never meant to leave it behind. I always took it everywhere, especially after the first time. But that night …’ She rubbed a hand over her eyes. ‘I left it in my room. What an idiot.’

  Her hands went around herself as if she was cold, and she rubbed her arms, although it wasn’t that cold in the tiny flat.

  ‘Everyone makes mistakes.’ Nick spoke automatically. He still didn’t really know what the significance of her comments were, but it was obviously something important to her. He found himself wanting to reach for her, but she seemed so remote from him somehow.

  Jade made a face. ‘Sure. But not everyone forgets their phone at home when their sister is suicidal.’

  Nick felt a rush of anger at her words. ‘You can’t blame yourself for what she did.’

  Jade let out a short, humourless laugh. ‘You know, everyone said that. But funny really, somehow I still do.’ The sarcasm in her tone was obvious.

  She stretched out, draping her legs over his lap, clasping her hands behind her head. ‘She tried to call me that night. A couple of times. Once, early on in the evening, and then once just before midnight. Dad was out working. Mum was supposed to be keeping an eye on her. But we worked out she’d climbed out the bedroom window and jumped down onto the front grass.’

  ‘Still not your fault.’ Nick touched one of Jade’s feet; it was ice cold. He took it in his hands and started rubbing it gently.

  Jade nibbled at a nail. ‘I have wondered, many times, if my subconscious left my phone behind on purpose. It was my birthday, you see. I almost didn’t go out. We were all on tenterhooks after the thing with the pills. And Carina had a bad cold that night, so she wasn’t going to go either. I sometimes wonder if my brain just wanted to ditch everything for a few hours. To not have to worry about anything.’

  Shit. Nick’s brain was only capable of one thought. Her sister killed herself on her birthday. Then something else she had said permeated through. ‘You said, pills? What happened with the pills?’

  Jade looked at him again. ‘Sorry. I keep jumping around. Ruby tried to commit suicide a couple of weeks before she jumped off the bridge. Luckily my mum found her not long after and worked out what had happened.’ She grimaced. ‘You can imagine what happened. Lots of shouting and crying. My parents took her straight to the hospital to get her stomach pumped.’

  She made another face, leaning back until she was staring at the ceiling. ‘The hospital suggested it was probably just a cry for help, that she wasn’t serious. Guess they were wrong about that one.’ The casual way she spoke masked a whole bucket of emotion
s that she wasn’t sharing, Nick could tell.

  ‘Still not your fault,’ Nick repeated. His hands moved to her other foot, kneading and massaging, trying to show with his fingers how much he cared.

  ‘I know. I blamed the staff for that for a long time too. But really, everyone was just doing their best in a tricky situation.’ Jade took a deep breath and let out a sigh. ‘But the worst part about the night my sister jumped wasn’t coming home to two voicemail messages from her and then a text from my mum a few hours later to say they were at the hospital. It was sitting in that hospital for five fucking days, waiting to see if she would wake up. Waiting while the doctors ran all their stupid tests, just so they could prove to us that she was really dead.’

  An image flashed in her mind, of her sister, attached to a hundred tubes, chest rising and falling in time with the machine that made her breathe. She spoke the words that she had never yet said aloud. ‘And knowing, if, just maybe, that I’d not left my phone behind, then she might still be here today.’

  This time when Nick held out his arms she crawled gratefully into them, wishing his warm strength could help her blot out the memories.

  ‘I deleted her voicemails. I was getting kind of obsessed with them, playing them over and over again, and I knew it wasn’t good for me. But now, just sometimes, I wish I’d kept them. To have just a little piece of her left in my life. To be able to hear her voice again …’ Words failed her, and she broke down again and wept.

  Nick didn’t speak for the longest time, and she just nestled against him, glad of his solid warmth. The silence stretched out in the room, but this time it felt somehow comforting.

  ‘Will you stay tonight?’ Nick gently stroked her hair.

  Jade loved him in that moment. Loved him for the fact that he didn’t try to make her feel better, or give her some corny piece of advice.

  ‘If you want.’ She rubbed a hand along the top of his thigh. ‘I’ll have to leave early for work though.’

  ‘I’d love you to.’ Nick squeezed her tightly until she protested for air.

  They took a long shower together, savouring the feel of each other’s bodies, and then crashed into bed. But somehow neither of them felt sleepy. Nick ended up telling Jade all about back home, and his parents. He had her laughing with some of the tales about guests who had stayed at the B&B.

  ‘It sounds like a great life you had.’ Jade lay on her back, arms clasped behind her head. ‘I’m not surprised you feel lonely in the big city.’ She looked over at him. ‘I’m sorry I dumped all of that on you earlier. It’s a lot to take in.’

  Nick shook his head. ‘To be honest, I’m glad I know the whole story.’ He was silent for a few moments. ‘I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me right at the start. It would have explained a lot of things.’

  Jade put her hands over her face. ‘I just don’t know. At the beginning, it was because I’d never told anyone else about how guilty I felt. After that, I wanted to tell you, but I was worried what you might think of me.’

  ‘It was your fucking birthday, for goodness sake.’ Nick’s use of a swearword that she had never heard him use before startled her into sitting up. ‘And you made an honest mistake. Don’t ruin the rest of your life stuck on that.’

  She blinked at him, surprised by the anger in his voice. ‘I guess you’re right. I have been so wrapped up in that. What an idiot I’ve been.’ She could see it all so clearly now.

  ‘Anyway, at least you can say you’ve done the next thing on the list. Wasn’t it talk to someone and have a good cry?’

  Jade laughed, surprised by his turn of thought. ‘I guess so.’ Then her expression soon sobered. ‘But you haven’t. You really tend to stick to conversation about the positive things in life. All the bad things you’ve told me about I’ve had to wring out of you by asking questions. And sure, you’ve told me about your work, and all that kind of shit, but you’ve never once mentioned how things make you feel.’

  Nick stiffened. He knew she was right, and yet … ‘It’s my protection mode.’ He surprised himself with his honesty. Still, after the confidences she had trusted him with tonight, she deserved nothing less. ‘I don’t talk about my feelings.’

  ‘Yeah, I get that.’ Jade sounded like she had heard it all before and wasn’t buying it. ‘I mean, have you even told your parents about how you’re feeling?’

  He knew that his expression betrayed his answer. She nodded. ‘Really, I think you should talk to someone. Not to me, necessarily.’ She held up a hand as he opened his mouth. ‘But to someone. Maybe your parents. Someone professional would be even better.’

  Nick felt the old anxiety start to rise inside him. ‘I’m just scared.’ He spoke the words even as they formed in his mind. ‘I already feel some days as if I’m hanging onto my sanity by a thread. I’m scared that if I start talking about things then it will snap and something terrible will happen.’ He realised that he had raised his voice, and took a deep breath to calm himself. ‘I don’t want to lose my job. Or lose you.’

  He shifted uncomfortably beside her. ‘Besides, I’m much better now. I’ve got you, and Archie, and Sean and the guys. I don’t feel lonely any more. And if I could just find out a way to sort out the job situation, then my life would be perfect.’

  Jade frowned. ‘Yeah, I can see that. But what happens if you don’t have me any more at some point? Or Archie or whoever? What will happen then?’

  ‘That’s not going to happen. You won’t all suddenly disappear. What’s the chance of that?’

  Jade snuggled into him. ‘Let’s not argue. I just really think you should talk to someone. Get some help. Look at what happened to Ruby. She knew we all loved her and she still did what she did.’

  He really got what she was trying to say. But that didn’t mean that talking was the right solution for him. He didn’t need to talk. He needed mountains. And wild rivers. And the comfort of home, where no one would ask him any questions. Where people understood him.

  He was about to escape by faking a yawn when a real one hit him, almost splitting his face in two. ‘I’m pretty tired. Shall we get some sleep?’ He was glad to have been saved the guilty burden of pretending.

  ‘Shattered,’ Jade agreed. She turned over and they lay like spoons, his arm wrapped tightly around her.

  Chapter 16

  Nick awoke in the darkness. Jade was still snuggled against him. His arm was still around her waist. He had been dreaming of home again, only this time Jade had been there, laughing as she helped his dad to cook dinner on the big range. Nick had gone to give his mum a hug just as he had woken up. The noises of the city around him only served to deepen the chasm between his dreams and reality. He felt his eyes fill with tears, and cried silently, his heart painfully full, while Jade slept unaware beside him. When he eventually managed to regain his control, he lay there for a long time, listening to the soft sound of breathing coming from the woman lying next to him. He couldn’t quite believe that she was really real, that this was really happening to him. She was so amazing. He would fix this moment in his memory forever. And he would use her strength to sort his life out.

  Nick finally drifted off into confused dreams where he was grasping at something he couldn’t quite reach.

  When Jade felt the first tear drop she almost turned towards him. But she knew what would happen if she did. He would brush them away and pretend it had never happened. So instead she lay still in the darkness, feeling the tears fall one by one onto her hair. She listened as his breathing returned to normal, and finally returned again to the steady breathing that meant he was asleep. And it was then, and only then, that she had to admit to herself that she couldn’t do this thing. Not if she was going to keep her own sanity. She knew how it would play out. He would refuse to talk about things, just like Ruby had done. She would watch him warily, waiting for any sign that he was going to crack. It was no basis for a good relationship. Her thoughts went round and round, looking for another solution, until she fina
lly fell asleep. But by the time she woke in the morning she knew what she had to do.

  A rustling noise woke Nick out of a deep sleep, and he turned over, wondering what it was. Jade was sat on the sofa, pulling on her jeans. When she saw him looking at her she smiled, ‘Morning. You looked so peaceful sleeping there that I didn’t have the heart to wake you.’ Her weight dipped the edge of the bed as she sat down.

  ‘I have to go.’ She stroked his cheek gently.

  ‘I know.’ He smiled lazily up at her. ‘So I’ll see you next Saturday?’

  Her smile faded as she gazed at him steadily. ‘Look, Nick …’ Her voice trailed off.

  His heart sank. That was never a good start to a sentence.

  ‘Nick.’ she tried again, her voice firmer this time. ‘I’ve been thinking. I just don’t think that I can do this. Us, I mean.’ She rested one hand on his chest, and he felt the warmth of her hand through the thin summer duvet.

  Nick had thought her words would be a surprise, but he realised that a vast part of him had always been expecting them to come. At some point, anyway. Just not now. Not after the beautiful day they had shared yesterday.

  His heart twisted inside him. ‘Is this … because of who I am?’ He couldn’t say it straight out, say the word he had been avoiding as hard as he could. Lose a leg, he thought viciously, and everyone feels sorry for you. Lose yourself, and nobody cares. Then he caught his thoughts, mentally slapping himself. That wasn’t a fair way to think. And it wasn’t true. Even if it felt that way right now.

  Jade shifted on the bed, withdrawing her hands and stuffing them under her arms. Her hair, that beautiful mass of silky black, fell over her face, hiding her expression from view.

  ‘No.’ Her voice sounded tired, as if all the weight of his problems had somehow shifted to her shoulders. ‘But it is partly to do with what you’re doing.’

  She pushed back the mass of hair, reaching for the tiny hairband that lay on the bedside table. She bound it up into the same haphazard style that he had seen on her the first time they had met.