Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  ‘You need help. Professional help. It’s obvious.’ She turned away from him to pick up her jumper from where it had fallen on the floor. ‘And I can’t be a substitute for that.’ She started towards the door.

  Nick sat up in bed, irritated now. ‘But I don’t want you to be a substitute. I just want you to be you.’ He started to get out of bed and realised that he was still completely naked. A pair of shorts pulled from a drawer had him feeling slightly less vulnerable.

  Jade had her hand on the door handle now. ‘But can’t you see? I can’t be me if you’re like this. I can’t stand the watching. The waiting. The wondering. And if I ever lost you …’ Her voice choked, and she turned away.

  Nick wanted to grab her and shake her, but he knew that it wouldn’t help. He just folded his arms and glared at her. ‘So you’re throwing it all away, just for the outside chance that it all goes wrong? I’m not your sister, you know. Don’t try to judge me by what she did.’

  When she looked at him he could see the tears in her eyes, although she stubbornly refused to let them fall. ‘No, Nick. I’m giving it away, to save my sanity right now.’

  About to open the door, she paused and turned back to him. ‘I’ll always be there for you, if you need me, Nick. Any time you need a friend, or if you’re in trouble, just call me. But I can’t offer you more than that right now. I just can’t.’ And with that she was gone. A few seconds later he heard the front door slam.

  Nick sat down suddenly on the bed, feeling as if someone had punched him in the stomach. What the hell had just happened? How had they gone from what they had shared the previous night to such a sudden departure? He threw a pillow across the room in frustration. Just when it had started to seem like life was finally giving him a break, she was gone. Just like that. He rubbed his hands over his face, feeling the stubble scratch on his chin. What was he going to do now?

  Sean. He was supposed to be going out with the guys today. They had planned to climb Ben Lomond. He flopped backwards onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Surely he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t pretend to be normal, today of all days.

  On reflection though, he didn’t see a way of getting out of it. He could pretend to be ill, but Sean would never buy it and he didn’t want to lie to them. And anyway, those guys would be the type to come banging on his door if he just didn’t show up.

  He lay there for a long while, time ticking by, until he came to the realisation that he would just have to go. Anyway, it was a trip to the mountains. His happy place. What possible reason was there not to go?

  As he pulled himself up he suddenly caught sight of a scrap of paper on the bedside table. The list. Jade had forgotten it. Or had she left it because she no longer needed it? And no longer needed him?

  Chapter 17

  With every step she took it felt like her heart was breaking.

  Every time Jade had come across something similar to those lines in a book she had either winced or snorted. She had never been one for drama. But the trouble was, these words where a pretty accurate portrayal of how she was feeling right now. Or more like, that there was a thin thread connecting her and Nick that was getting ever thinner the further she got from him, until the point when it would eventually snap …

  She gave up. This was just shit. Really shit. Too fucking shit for analogies. It had been bad enough being broken up with. But to be the one to do the breaking up, well, that was a new experience. And not one she ever wanted to do again. It made her feel like the bad guy. Like she was the one who was uncaring. Whereas in actual fact she was the only one who cared enough to act like an adult. For half a second she considered retracing her steps, apologising and crawling back into the warmth of his bed. But hey. It wouldn’t do either of them any good. And, she had a job to get to.

  She should have known her boss would notice something was up as soon as she walked through the door. That was one of the big reasons she had stayed, despite the sociable hours; Bill and Mandy ran the business like one big family. Big warm hugs were the norm. Mandy never forgot to bake a homemade cake for a birthday.

  ‘Come from a funeral this morning?’ She heard a voice behind her as she hung up her bag in her locker. Bill stood looking at her, a warm smile on his round face.

  Jade shook her head. ‘Just don’t.’ She shut her locker with a bang much harder than she had intended.

  Bill’s face sobered. ‘Come and have a cuppa while you talk about it. Best thing for it. Cleaning can wait. First booking’s not until twelve anyways.’

  Jade wasn’t sure she wanted to talk, but somehow she ended up telling Bill all about the whole thing; how she and Nick had met and what had happened between them. She felt surprisingly calm as she did so. Either that was a good sign, or a very bad one. Bill stroked his carefully trimmed beard as he listened.

  When she had finished, he sat back and crossed his arms over the top of his ample belly. ‘I had a mate once, we lost him the same way.’

  Jade looked at him, surprised. But then, she shouldn’t be really. The statistics on suicides were pretty high. Come to think of it, she wouldn’t be surprised if everybody probably knew at least one person who had done the same. She didn’t know if that comforted her or horrified her. It was comforting, to realise that there were other people in the world who might understand how she felt, and horrifying, to realise that there were lots of people who could maybe have been saved if they’d just got the right help at the right time.

  Bill carried on, unaware of her internal thoughts. ‘Yeah. We were all pretty shocked when it happened. Always the life and soul of the party, Ron was. Always ready with a joke, or some kind of crazy prank. And then suddenly one day he was just gone.’

  He stroked his beard again and gave her a sympathetic nod. ‘Let me give you a hug, missus. And then we’ve got cleaning to do. A business doesn’t run itself you know.’

  Jade drained the dregs of her tea and gave him a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. Cleaning the toilets. That would take her mind off things.

  It was almost automatic for Nick, putting together his kit for the day ahead. He forced down some cereal, knowing he was going to need something to sustain himself. And at the appointed time he was waiting downstairs to be picked up by the boys.

  They all had big smiles on their faces as the car pulled up. Sean slapped Nick on the shoulder as he let him into the back. There was a sense of excitement in the car, which just made him feel even more as if he shouldn’t be there. Still, he was holding out hope that the walk would drag up his mood.

  ‘Yo!’ Pete punched him gently in the shoulder. ‘How’s tricks?’

  Nick mumbled a non-committal reply.

  ‘Just forgive us for all the excitement.’ Sean looked at Nick in the rear-view mirror. ‘We’re all just a bit excited because finally, finally,’ he paused for effect, ‘Stevie got his new prosthetic!’

  ‘Whoop!’ Stevie let out a loud exultation, and Pete followed it with a blood-curdling war cry. Nick put his hands over his ears. The sound in the confines of the small car was almost unbearable. Still, he couldn’t help smiling; the enthusiasm of the others was pretty infectious.

  ‘So what’s so special about it?’

  ‘Oh man, it’s just something else.’ Stevie twisted around to face Nick, his arm resting along the back of Sean’s seat. ‘It’s more like, what isn’t special about it? Lightweight material, fancy shock absorber, motorised movement. Made specifically for walking up hills. This, my friend, is the Lamborghini of legs.’

  ‘We were going to tell you.’ Pete thumped Nick on the arm again. ‘But we weren’t sure if he’d get in enough practice on it beforehand. He only got it on Wednesday. He’s been testing it out everywhere since then.’

  Pete gave Nick a celebratory high five. Nick took a deep breath. It was all going to be OK. With friends like these … and mountains … who needed professionals?

  ‘Wait up for a minute, guys.’ They were about half an hour into the walk when Stevie stopped beside
a small boulder. ‘I think I need to adjust the settings.’ He eased himself down.

  ‘How’s it doing?’ Sean looked across at him.

  Stevie nodded. ‘Pretty good. A bit of chafing, but nothing I can’t handle. That special moulding foam in the socket works like a dream. But I think the resistance on the knee is just a bit too stiff for what we’re doing.’ He pulled out his phone and started tapping on it.

  ‘Wait.’ Nick couldn’t believe it. ‘You mean it comes with an app?’ He laughed out loud. It all seemed so surreal.

  Stevie grinned. ‘Yeah. I guess it’s got some sort of minicomputer in there. To control the movement and stuff.’ He tapped a few more times. ‘That should do it.’ His phone went back in his pocket.

  ‘How much did that thing cost, if you don’t mind me asking?’ The words were out before Nick could think better of them.

  ‘Too much.’ Stevie grimaced. ‘But I was lucky. The bastard that ran me down had to pay out damages – or at least his insurance company did – so there was plenty to go around.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Nick pretended to stroke his chin thoughtfully. ‘I wonder if I could hack into it. Then we could really have some fun.’

  There was a moment’s silence, and he wondered if he had gone too far, but then he realised that Stevie was staring at him in horror, while Pete’s face showed admiration.

  ‘You are evil.’ Pete’s face split in a massive grin. ‘But please try. I’d love to have him hopping around or something.’

  ‘You do that, and I will never talk to either of you again.’ Stevie shook a fist in their faces. Then he looked thoughtful. ‘But actually, it might be good to know if it’s possible. Just so I know whether to worry about it or not.’

  ‘I would like to remind you that doing that kind of thing is illegal.’ Sean was making a valiant effort to keep his voice stern, but Nick knew he was enjoying the conversation as much as any of them.

  Sean turned to Nick. ‘Anyway, we’ve been so busy celebrating Stevie’s leg, we never asked about you. How’s your week been? How’s your girlfriend?’

  Nick’s face fell. ‘We split up. Just this morning actually.’

  ‘Ah shit, that sucks.’ Stevie clapped him on the shoulder, his face sympathetic.

  It did suck, Nick reflected as they resumed their path up the mountain, but having some new friends to take his mind off things made all the difference.

  They made good time on their journey, although they still went quite slowly and took lots of breaks. When they all sat down at the top, Stevie pulled his leg off with a sigh of relief. ‘I’ll just re-tape before we head back down.’

  ‘We’re going to have to call you something else from now on,’ Pete joked. ‘Ironman maybe. Or Little Lamborghini.’

  Stevie ducked his head, clearly embarrassed. ‘Nah. I like Stumpy just fine. Wouldn’t do to get too big for my boots. I mean, too big for my leg and my boot.’

  All four of them laughed.

  ‘It is great, though. I’m not worried about our trip to the Alps any more. I can’t wait to try out the climbing foot that came with it.’

  ‘You’re going to the Alps?’ Nick was envious. ‘I went there a couple of years ago and it was amazing. I’d love to go back.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Pete flashed him a big grin. ‘We would have asked you along, but it’s been booked, like, forever. I can’t wait to see Deem again.’ He saw Nick’s puzzled expression. ‘That’s our other friend. The one who moved down to London.’

  They sat there in the sunshine for a while, munching away at their sandwiches. White fluffy clouds raced in the sky above them. An amazing vista of green-blue hills spread out in front of them. In the distance they could hear the harsh noise of the commentary on a tour boat passing on the loch below.

  ‘God, I could stay up here, and never come down.’ Nick leaned back in the grass.

  ‘Yeah, know what you mean.’ Sean looked down at him. ‘But you know, winter will come, and it gets pretty brutal up here.’

  ‘Spoilsport.’ Stevie scoffed. ‘I’d just build an igloo.’

  ‘Oh yeah, an igloo.’ Sean’s tone betrayed his skepticism. ‘And what about supplies?’

  ‘Details, details.’ Stevie lay back on the grass too. ‘I hear you, big man. Let’s stay up here forever. Screw real life and all its problems.’

  Nick watched the ever-changing clouds for a few minutes. He suddenly felt much happier. These guys obviously cared a lot about each other. And for some reason, they’d decided to accept him into their close-knit group.

  Maybe, just maybe, this was the start of a whole new life. Regardless of whether Jade was in it or not.

  Somehow, this feeling of acceptance gave him the courage to ask what he really wanted to know. ‘Have you, I mean, any of you, have you ever just felt like life was just too much to handle?’

  Stevie snorted, as if it was a stupid question. ‘Yeah. Loads of times. But like I said, these guys rescued me. Kept me on the straight and narrow.’

  ‘Any time, man.’ Sean ruffled Stevie’s hair, clearly embarrassed, and Pete nodded in agreement.

  There was a long pause, and then Pete cleared his throat hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure of what he was about to say. ‘When Stevie here was struggling, right back in the first few weeks, I had my own problems.’

  He pulled back his sleeves, pointing to his arms, and Nick could see fine white lines threading through the tattoos that covered his wrists.

  ‘Oh, fuck, man.’ It was Sean who spoke this time, and Nick suddenly realised that the older guy hadn’t known about this. ‘I can’t believe you never told us.’ His voice was partly angry, but mainly sad.

  ‘Well.’ Pete sounded slightly defensive. ‘Stevie here had his own problems to deal with. And you had that thing with your mum going on.’

  ‘True.’ Sean made a face. Whatever had happened with his mum must have been pretty serious. ‘But still …’ His voice trailed off. ‘I mean, shit, man. You still could have told me.’

  Pete just shrugged, as if in apology. And Nick suddenly found himself telling the guys the whole story. About everything. While he looked out at that amazing view and tried to keep his voice from cracking.

  When he had finished, everyone sat in silence for a long while, as if they weren’t sure what to say. Then Sean grasped Nick by the shoulder and turned him until they were looking each other directly in the eyes. ‘Look. I’m the last one to tell you what to do with your life. But I’m telling you, don’t make the mistake of thinking that it’s the best way out. When you need to, call someone. Talk to someone. Hell, call me. You’ve got my number. Any time. Day or night. If you really need me. If you just want to whine about how your favourite takeaway is shut then forget it.’

  He made a dismissive gesture, and Nick knew he was purposely trying to lighten the mood. Sean clasped Nick’s hand, as if to seal the deal.

  Nick shifted uncomfortably, the casual gesture of friendship making his eyes slightly blurry. This was all too serious. He had to change the topic. ‘How’s things going with that guy of yours, Pete?’ Was that a blush on the Prof’s face?

  ‘Ah! I knew it!’ Stevie let out a cry. ‘They’ve done it!’ He stood up and started singing a striptease theme, wiggling his hips suggestively. Pete leaped up and took a swipe at him. Stevie tried to dodge and overbalanced, but still managed to grab at Pete as he went down and take him with him. They wrestled playfully on the floor for a couple of seconds and then gave up and lay laughing on the wet grass.

  ‘Glad I asked.’ Nick couldn’t help smiling.

  It was a much more subdued group that made their way down the mountainside. Stevie was clearly exhausted from the climb, although he refused to admit it, and Sean seemed to be trying to absorb what Pete had told them. Nick saw him glancing at Pete when he thought no one was looking. But Nick felt the warmth of their friendship settle around him like a comfy blanket. These guys were one in a million, he thought. And they were fast becoming his new friends.

 
Chapter 18

  On Wednesday Nick went to see Archie. Jade wasn’t mentioned; presumably the other man had already got the full story through Lily. They spent most of the evening going through Archie’s old photo albums. He had done all the Munros, some of them many times, and lots of the mountains in Europe.

  ‘I never got to Canada, though.’ Archie sounded a bit regretful. ‘It was always on the list, but I never made it.’

  Nick paused at a black and white picture, of Archie against the backdrop of yet another mountain range. He looked somewhere around Nick’s age. ‘What’s this one?’

  Archie peered at it, and a smile spread across his face. ‘Ah. That was one of my proudest days. The day we climbed the Matterhorn. That was before I was old enough to be sensible.’

  He looked at the photo for a while longer, and Nick could tell he was remembering the climb. Then he peeled the card carefully off the page. ‘You take it. It’s a gift. A reminder of what’s important.’

  Nick took the photo, holding it carefully by the edges. Being gifted with what looked like Archie’s only memento of such a special moment was almost too much. ‘Are you sure?’

  Archie nodded. ‘It’s for you.’ Then he shifted in his chair. ‘Could you take me back to my room, lad? I’m feeling a bit tired tonight.’

  Nick wheeled him back along the corridor and into the little bed sit that was Archie’s home. He was surprised at how bare it was. He had expected that there would be pictures of mountains on the walls or something, but the only personal thing was a family photo on the dresser. That must be his niece.

  ‘Thanks, lad.’ Archie shook his hand. ‘Come again. Any time.’

  When Nick got home he carefully propped up the photo on a shelf. He would frame it. It would look good on his wall. It was a great present and he felt honoured to have it. He hoped that Archie wouldn’t miss it.

  Jade sat on the sofa, turning her phone around in her hands. She had no idea why she had volunteered to be the one to make the call. But she knew that she just had to do it.