Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  ‘Mike.’ The man shook their hands. ‘And this is my wife Julia.’

  The kids were introduced as well and Nick carefully stored their names away for future reference. They all seemed like nice people. They crammed the six skinnier people in the back two rows of seats, while Mike and Jamie sat in the front. The kids were obviously excited.

  ‘Are we going to see any whales?’ one of them asked seriously.

  ‘Not many whales around here, but we should see some seals, and if we’re really lucky some dolphins.’ Nick smiled at him.

  ‘Awesome.’ The car filled with excited voices and two of the kids gave each other a high five.

  They spent the morning paddling around the rocky coves, watching the bird life. Nick had been worried that the youngest member of the group might get tired, but Jamie had brought two double kayaks, and he and Nick each took one of the smaller kids. In fact, if anything, it was Nick’s arms that were tiring by the time they stopped for lunch at their chosen cove.

  ‘Right, in a moment we’ll go hunting for cockles, but first it’s time for lunch.’ Jamie dug the sandwiches out of the cool box that was lying in the back of his kayak.

  There was a general cheer about the prospect of food, and everyone sat on the sand, happily munching their sandwiches and fruit. The day wasn’t very sunny, but at least it was warm.

  This could be your life, Nick thought. But his next thought was, I miss Jade.

  His life was so messed up and complicated. Jade probably wouldn’t have him back unless he got some professional help. And even then, it wasn’t certain. He really wanted to come home. But if coming home meant losing Jamie to Canada then he wasn’t sure he wanted that either. And anyway, assuming Jade did want him back, he very much doubted that she would want to move up here. She really loved Glasgow, he could tell. Yeah. It was really complicated. Even before you threw his new friends into the mix. He enjoyed spending time with them too.

  He thought of Archie, who had seized every opportunity for an adventure his whole life. He wished he could be more like that. Some days he did feel adventurous. But other days he just felt tired. He took another bite of his apple, looking at the calm water slowly lapping against the rocks nearby. Archie would have loved this.

  ‘Who’s Archie?’ Nick hadn’t realised that he’d spoken aloud until Mike asked the question.

  ‘Oh, he was a friend of mine from Glasgow.’ He could class him a friend, he thought. It had been brief, but they had shared a lot between the two of them. ‘He passed away a couple of weeks ago.’ He spoke carefully, trying to hide the depth of the loss he felt. First Jade, then Archie. And now it looked as if Jamie would be leaving him as well. Who would be next?

  ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ The Americans had such a good phrase for condolences, Nick realised. Just the right amount of sorrow, focus on the person they were talking to, and – he realised that Mike might assume it was someone his own age, and hurried to correct his impressions.

  ‘It’s OK. I mean, he was old. Ninety-two. It’s a pretty good run.’

  Mike nodded. ‘Gosh. Yeah, I’d say that.’

  ‘He was a mountaineer. He loved the mountains. Until he got stuck in a wheelchair, that is. Well, he still loved the mountains, but it meant he couldn’t do stuff anymore.’ Nick quickly shut his mouth; he was babbling.

  ‘Shame, that.’ Mike said thoughtfully. ‘My uncle is the same. He’s a pretty keen hiker. Then he fell and broke his back some years ago. We all thought he’d have to give it up, but he found this wheelchair, and what d’you know, it can climb up mountains.’

  ‘Really?’ Nick had never heard of such a thing.

  Mike grinned widely, adjusting his cap as he did so. ‘Oh yeah. Wait a minute. I think I might have a photo.’

  He reached into his pocket and extracted his phone from its plastic dry case. ‘Let me see.’ A few flicks of his thumb, and he passed the device across to Nick. ‘Take a look at that.’

  Nick looked at the photo. It was pretty much like an electric wheelchair, but with massive tyres that looked almost like the ones you’d get on mountain bikes. If he had to describe it, he would have said that it looked like a cross between a wheelchair and a quad bike.

  ‘And it’s electric?’ He passed back the phone to Mike.

  Mike nodded. ‘But a bigger battery than your average scooter, and more torque. These can go a good hundred miles up and down hills without needing a recharge.’

  Nick considered. That was a good week’s walking for an average walker. Pretty amazing.

  ‘They’re not cheap though.’ Mike stowed his phone carefully back into his pocket. ‘I don’t know how much they’d cost over here, but I’m telling you, that thing cost more than my car.’

  They would, thought Nick. Not your average walking kit. But still, it was pretty exciting.

  They were distracted by a cheer from the kids. Jamie had suggested that it was time to go cockle hunting.

  ‘They’re really easy to find.’ Jamie led them out onto the lower reaches of the beach, which was uncovering itself slowly as the tide receded. ‘You just run your fingers through the sand. But just watch out for the crabs, they can get a bit nippy.’ He went to pull a tub from his kayak, leaving them to root about for a few minutes.

  It wasn’t long before a shout came from one of the kids who held up two cockles, one in each hand.

  ‘Brilliant! Give them a quick rinse in the sea, and dump them in the bucket.’ Jamie gave him a congratulatory pat on the back.

  Mike and Julia found a few more, and then there was a squeal from the youngest kid who got a nip on his finger. They all crowded round to see him hold up his find. It was a skinny grey crab about half the size of his hand, perfectly camouflaged to fit in with the colour of the sand.

  ‘Let him go. He’s too small to make good eating.’ Jamie crouched down. ‘We’ve got more cockles to find.’

  It didn’t take them long to fill their bucket, and Jamie stopped them when they were nearing the top. ‘That’s enough. We’ve got to leave some, or there won’t be any next year.’

  Given how many they’d found in such a small patch of beach, Nick doubted that there was any danger of this happening, but he kept his peace. Knowing Jamie, he was probably here doing the same thing every few weeks in the summer. It was always good for the punters if there was actually something there.

  The kids went off to climb on the rocks, while the adults sat back on the beach. It was the sort of place you could stay the whole day and never get bored, Nick thought. Or your whole life. A whole life on a beach? He stopped to consider the idea for a couple of minutes. It would be great in some ways, but it might get a bit lonely all by yourself.

  The paddle back took longer, as everyone seemed unwilling to rush after a lazy lunch. It was after four by the time they dropped the family off at their accommodation. The parents made sure that the children chorused their thank yous, and they all disappeared gratefully into the house.

  Jamie turned to Nick. ‘I’m taking them out mountain biking tomorrow if you want to come.’

  Nick considered for a moment, then shook his head. ‘I think I’m going to head up into the mountains tomorrow. Just head out for a few days. I’ve got a lot of things I need to think about. I’ll catch you on the way back.’

  Jamie nodded, nonchalant as usual. ‘Sure. And don’t forget to think about what I said.’

  Nick nodded. ‘I won’t.’

  Jamie hugged him when he dropped him off. ‘You take care of yourself, dude. See you in a few days. Enjoy the peace and quiet.’

  ‘Will do.’

  Chapter 23

  Jade woke feeling happy on Saturday morning, and then remembered why. She and Carina were going to have brunch today. She checked her phone. Loads of time. But when she opened the curtains she had to groan. It was tipping it down. So much for the summer weather. Where had it gone?

  A quick shower was all she needed, and then she opened her cupboard door to pull out some cl
othes. Maybe the black jeans. She may as well go back to winter clothes at this rate.

  She shook off her grumpy mood. She was going to see Carina and hopefully things wouldn’t be too awkward between them. Besides, what was the point in worrying about clothes when whatever she wore would look frumpy beside her glamourous friend? It was a good thing that Carina liked her, not for her looks, but for her brain. She cheered at the thought. And with that she pulled on her black jeans and green fleece and went downstairs.

  The last time she had worn this combination was when she and Nick had done the abseil together. He seemed to be pretty happy at home, if the pictures he had sent her were anything to go by. A small part of her – well, actually quite a big part of her if she was honest with herself – worried that he wouldn’t come back. If that happened, she would miss him.

  An ache tugged at her that she couldn’t quite place, fuelled by the thought of never seeing Nick again. Idiot, she told herself firmly. You were the one who split up with him. Anyway, Fort William isn’t that far away. You could always go up and visit him.

  Her mother was waiting with a pot of tea in the kitchen, and there was an amazing smell of toast in the air. ‘How’s my girl this morning?’

  Jade gave her a warm hug. ‘I’m good. You?’

  She followed her mother’s pointing finger to where a big shiny metal box stood by the sink. Jade frowned. It seemed to have a cable coming out of it. But it was like no kitchen appliance she’d ever seen. ‘What the hell is that? Is it a slow cooker?’

  Shirley laughed. ‘Not quite. I saw it on my way home yesterday. Reduced in the sale. It’s a bread cooker.’

  ‘Ohhh. So that’s what the smell is. So does that mean fresh bread every morning?’ Jade couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice.

  ‘Sure does. And if that timer on the front is correct, it’s going to be done about …’ There was a ding. ‘Now.’

  ‘Wow. That’s so cool. Can I try some?’ Jade made as if to open the cooker.

  ‘Just be patient a few minutes longer! It will have to cool down. Have some tea while you wait.’

  Jade sat down at the table, drumming her fingers on the wood surface as a joke.

  ‘That’s not going to make it come any quicker,’ her mum teased.

  ‘I can’t believe I have to wait when you said it was ready. I’m going to starve,’ Jade teased back in a mock-exasperated voice.

  But when the bread came out, Jade had to admit that it was delicious. ‘I could get used to this.’ She licked the remains of the jam off her fingers. ‘Is it very hard to do?’

  Shirley shook her head. ‘I’ll show you tonight when I put the next batch in, if you want.’

  ‘Yeah. That’d be great.’

  Jade gave her mum another hug, surprising her. ‘What was that for?’

  Jade shrugged. If her mum had time to think about bread makers, maybe that meant that finally, finally, her brain wasn’t completely taken over by what had happened to Ruby. She had felt kind of side-lined, she realised. As if her sister had taken all the attention and there had been none left for her. She felt selfish and petty admitting that to herself, given what all of them had been through. She knew how much her parents loved her, and she knew they had done their best to make things feel as if there was at least some semblance of normality carrying on in their lives, but she had still felt that way. It was weird how the actions of a person could influence things even when they were no longer around. But now, looking at the bread maker, she was just glad that there was finally something that obviously made her mum happy.

  She rinsed her plate in the kitchen sink. ‘I’ve got to go, Mum. I’ll see you later.’ And she escaped from the kitchen and went to collect her stuff.

  Later that night as Jade lay in her bed, she relived her day with a smile on her face. But one thing that Carina had said had surprised her. Jade had been trying to explain why she had broken up with Nick.

  Carina leaned forward, pushing her plate out of the way. ‘Yeah, but he’s an adult. Shouldn’t it be his decision how he decides to deal with it?’

  Jade shook her head. ‘In theory, yeah, but he’s clearly not dealing with it. Look where I met him. He’s clearly not.’

  Carina pursed her lips, considering. ‘Maybe, but would you really throw away happiness now, just to avoid a potential pain in the future which might never happen?’

  This was so close to what Nick had said that it made Jade hesitate for a moment. ‘It’s not that. It’s just I’d be worried about him constantly. I’d always be watching, waiting for any signs that he might do it again.’

  Carina leaned across the table and grasped one of Jade’s hands, as if to emphasise the importance of what she was going to say. ‘But seriously, if you’re really honest with yourself, don’t you worry about him anyway? And, accepting that fact, wouldn’t you be in a better position to influence things if you were actually with him?’

  Jade blew out her cheeks. She couldn’t deny the logic of the argument. But it all made things so much more complicated. Just when she thought she had got it all sorted out in her head.

  ‘Look, I’m not going to tell you what to do, because I know you wouldn’t listen to me anyway.’ Carina spread out her hands, palms upwards. ‘But from the way you talk about this guy, it sounds as if you really like him. And, apart from all this extra stuff, he seems to make you happy.’

  Thinking about this exchange made Jade shed a few tears over the fact that her life was so complex. But then, she thought, supposing she had met Nick without ever having gone through what she had done with Ruby? Wouldn’t she be struggling even more, trying to process what was happening without some understanding of what was going on?

  The thought that something good might have come out of Ruby’s death was so shocking that she sat straight upright, clutching the bedcovers to herself. But wasn’t that the best way to run your life, to see the best in every situation? Even though that thought seemed almost sacrilegious, then just because something terrible had happened, didn’t mean that it couldn’t have at least some positive after-effects.

  She lay back down again, curling herself up on her side. She would talk to Nick when he got back. Maybe they could sort something out. And she was increasingly aware of just how much she missed him.

  She wouldn’t commit to anything. But she would think about what Carina had said.

  Her phone rang, startling her. Her heart jumped when she saw the name on the screen.

  ‘Nick?’ Her voice didn’t quite work on the first try, and she cleared her throat before she spoke again. ‘Are you OK? It’s pretty late.’

  ‘Yeah. I’m good. I’ve been out with Jamie today, that’s why I didn’t call earlier.’ His words were cheerful, but there was something in his voice that she couldn’t quite read.

  The phone call had been so unexpected that she didn’t know what to say. ‘So … what’s it like being at home?’

  ‘It’s good. It’s great up here. And the weather’s been amazing the past few days.’

  There was another pause. ‘Look, Jade, I just wanted to let you know I talked to my parents. About what’s been going on. I didn’t tell them everything – you know – about the bridge and stuff, they’d be too worried about me. But apparently the reason they haven’t been down to visit is because my dad has problems with his mental health too.’ She could hear the relief in his voice.

  ‘Oh Nick, that’s great. I mean, it’s not great about your dad, but great that —’ She stopped, aware that she was wittering on. ‘Well. You know what I mean.’

  ‘Well, it’s not great, but at least I know now. And I’ve talked to my dad a lot about it. Which has helped. I think. Well, kind of. Just things seem to be different up here, now that Jamie’s off to Canada.’

  ‘Canada? What?’ Jade sat up suddenly and had to grab at one of the pillows as it tried to slide off the bed.

  ‘Yeah. It’s a bit shit, but I’m happy for him, I guess, if that’s what he really wants to
do. Anyway. I’ll tell you all about everything when I get back. I’m heading up into the mountains for a few days tomorrow. I’ve been feeling pretty down the last couple of days. I miss Archie, and Jamie leaving has thrown a spanner in the works too. He’s offered me his business, but I just don’t know. It won’t be the same without him. I really need to get away by myself for a few days, get my head straightened out.’

  There was silence on the other end of the phone for a minute, then he spoke again. ‘I just wanted to say that I might not get reliable phone signal up there, so if you don’t hear from me for a couple of days then you’re not to worry, OK?’

  Jade found her heart was hammering in her throat. Tell him. How much you care about him. Carina was right. But all she found herself saying was, ‘Thanks for letting me know. You take care of yourself, OK? And stay safe.’ And then she mentally kicked herself.

  ‘Thanks. I will. I’ll be back soon, so I’ll see you around. I’m going to carry on coming to take the oldies out, if you still want me.’

  ‘Sure. We always need people.’ Jade smiled. That meant she would be seeing him again. That meant they still had a chance.

  ‘OK, I’ll let you go. You’re right, it’s late. I’ll send some pictures from my trip. See ya.’ Nick sounded more cheerful now.

  ‘Look, Nick —’ But it was too late. He was already gone.

  Jade curled up on her side again. She briefly considered calling him back, but decided against it. There would be time enough to talk when he got back. To tell him how she really felt. To try and work things out between them. She hugged herself. The thought of having Nick back in her life was both scary and exciting.

  It took her a long time to fall asleep.

  Chapter 24

  Nick hummed to himself as he double-checked his kit. First aid kit. Check. Emergency shelter. Check. Torch. Check. He’d also packed enough freeze-dried food to last for a week, just in case, and his mini stove burner. His pack must have weighed somewhere around fifteen kilos, but probably a good third of that was food, and it would disappear slowly over the course of the next few days.