The Price Of Success (Fighting For Fireworks)

by Lee, Corri

  “That’s a loaded question, Nate.”

  The look of concern slowly disappeared and was replaced with a smouldering grin that damn near knocked me sideways. “You’re calling me Nate now?” He was so easily deterred. That was certainly no comfort.

  “I think you’ve made quite sure that all my values and ethical attachments to formality have been rendered redundant, don’t you?” I scoffed in mock disgust and craned my neck to see the back of Bethany’s head engrossed in whatever was on her computer screen. I suspected gossip and fashion blogs. “How the hell do we get past her?”

  “Simple.” Nathaniel pulled my phone from my hand and set it to vibrate, then pulled out his own smartphone and called me. He passed it back, fingers brushing mine the way they had in the Fiore’s bistro eighteen days earlier. A jolt of static hit me like the rush of a morning espresso and the immediate relief of a stranded man finding an oasis in a desert, rolled into one lush phantasmagorical orb of light that took residence in the deepest darkest pit of my soul and illuminated me, forgiving my trespasses and making me pure.

  Nathaniel Alexander was omnipotent and narcotic- I would fall at his knees and worship him like a god while he pumped through my veins and made me his junkie. The overdose of him would be fatal and I was helpless to avoid it.

  “Walk quickly and talk quietly.” He pulled me from my thoughts with that smooth cajoling voice, sparing a moment for me to shake myself back into the here and now before urging me forward with a hand on my shoulder. He raised his phone to his ear and I copied, my chest clenching when his voice surrounded me. “I feel it too, Cecelia,” his voice rushed through the handset while it breathed at my side, “that feeling of utter powerlessness when our fingers touch. God, give me a way to bottle that moment and sell it to paupers and whores- I’d make a fortune.”

  “You already have a fortune.”

  “True, but I’m richer for your love.”

  My pace stalled for a beat while I was momentarily blinded with stardust. Only in my wildest dreams could I have imagined being pursued by a man who fit every criterion I associated with perfection- handsome, extravagant, driven, romantic, strong-willed, intelligent, diverse and excruciatingly articulate. “Are you always so poetic?”

  He looked around incredulously at the building he domineered daily and raised an eyebrow, eyes fixing on the entrance. “Of course. I make a career of it, don’t I?”

  “My mother would have told me to be wary of a man who seemed too perfect, Nate. What’s your catch?”

  “You. You’re my catch.” I caught his grin from the corner of my eye. “You’ve seen everything of me, Cecelia, everything except how I’d react to loss. I don’t know it and I don’t want to. I don’t know that losing you wouldn’t kill me.”

  I ground to a complete halt, before my pace quickened to double time. His raw honesty did wicked things to me- that I could make such a mighty figure so weak… “Get in the damn car.” I flew past Bethany before she could open her mouth and barely drew breath until the door of the Chrysler slammed shut behind me and I had Nathaniel caged against the leather seats, the same way he’d caged me in his office.

  “Cecelia…” he warned me as Lobke climbed into the driver’s seat.

  “No. Kiss me now.”

  And he did. The car whirred into motion and roamed the streets of London while our limbs tangled in a battle of wills. Evenly matched, we both fought our corners gallantly and with conviction- each of us wanted the control that the other wouldn’t relinquish.

  Our impasse had reached no resolution when my hands thrashed out against the heavily tinted windows and we spiralled heavenward to a mutual nirvana, collapsing in an exhausted, half clothed heap, arms wrapped around each other and kisses full of gratitude and satisfaction.

  “So,” Nathaniel nipped at my neck as I set to restoring order to my disturbed attire, “dinner.”

  I shook my head severely, slipping my shoes over my heels with less than no enthusiasm. “I told you, don’t turn up. I don’t trust you not to make a scene.”

  “You wound me, Cecelia. You said you’d talk to him tomorrow and I believe you.”

  “Ahem.” My face filled with blood when Lobke reminded me of her presence. Never before had I lost my head so explicitly, let alone with an audience. “Went well then, Nate?”

  “Mm-hmm.” Nathaniel’s arms weaved around my waist and pulled me back to rest against him. I hadn’t needed confirmation that his seduction had been a premeditated conspiracy, but I had it anyway. “I’m sorry you were subjected to that.”

  Lobke glanced up into the rear view mirror and stuck her tongue out. “Don’t be. Best porn I’ve seen in years- I should have recorded it. Pretty hot way to end a four year drought.” For the first time, I saw Nathaniel blush violently and rub his hand over his chin in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. That period of time for someone so young- what had Nathaniel done at university when he should have been bedding drunk students, and what had made the last woman so significant that she was the last? Wow, get over it. Stop living in a fantasy land of traumatised lovers. I scolded myself but knew that I’d find myself at the mercy of a search engine in no time.

  “Anyway…” Lobke chuckled mischievously at Nathaniel’s reddened face. “Cornelia called. She wants a ‘yes, however’ or a ‘no, but’ at your earliest convenience, and if its ‘yes, however’, she wants to bend your ear over dinner.”

  “She’s still in London?” Lobke nodded and Nathaniel immediately pulled out his phone and sent her a text message.

  Yes, however. Dinner at eight.

  “Let Fiore know that it’s dinner for seven now.” I stammered for a moment before folding my arms with a petulant scowl. He just wouldn’t be told.

  My wits were flailing when I finally arrived home at quarter to five. My backseat indulgence had cost me the precious minutes I needed to scrub the indelible smell of Nathaniel from my skin. No matter how long I stood in that shower, I could still smell him on me. Taste him. Feel him. I shuddered in reminiscence and stepped from the heat of the jets, swatting away fantasies of the water beating down on my back while I fucked him with my mouth, and wrote this battle off as a loss. One defeat wouldn’t matter, surely?

  Bethany walked into my bedroom five minutes earlier than usual, one arm propped on the door frame, the other on her hip. Her eyes bore into me like icy blue comets and scrutinised every inch of me. I already knew that the red masque had faded- her potential discovery depended on instinct alone.

  “You ditched me, Douglas.” I was eternally thankful that those were the first words she spoke. Bethany didn’t pretty up her thoughts before they spilled from her mouth- if she’d suspected anything, she would have said so immediately. “What the hell did Nathaniel do? We heard you scream at him from the office floor.” I sincerely hoped that my moans and purrs hadn’t been as loud as my rage.

  My eyes scanned the contents of my armoire restlessly. I had worn every garment in every combination and I was bored. I craved change. I craved spontaneity. I craved greed. “He pretended to change my name to piss me off. Let’s go shopping.” I kicked the door of the armoire shut and pulled a simple grey shift dress over my head.

  Bethany stared at me dumbfounded before quickly kick-starting into motion. “Proper shopping?” Retail therapy was always a successful deterrent from unwanted conversations.

  “Yes, proper shopping. I need something for tonight,” I bit my lip thoughtfully, “something sexy, figure hugging and white.”

  “Specifically white?” I nodded once and swept up the closest handbag to me, filling it with my purse, phone, keys and pocket watch. If Nathaniel was going to turn up for the meal tonight after I’d told him not to, I was going to make sure he was permanently rendered speechless. “Lucky Cole.”

  It took a minute for me to process what she had said and the guilt overwhelmed me to the point of panic. I was going to have to face him a few hours later having betrayed him with the man he hated obsessively for hi
s presence and prominence in my life. Every argument that had ended up in my insistence that I could be trusted had been a farce.

  Immediately sensing my emotion bubbling, Bethany grabbed an inhaler from the drawer of my bedside table and threw it to me, allowing me a moment to calm before closing her eyes and holding out her hand. “I knew it. You’re the significant woman, aren’t you?” Her eyes sparkled sympathetically as I timidly stepped towards her and hugged her hand against my chest, praying that she wouldn’t judge me too harshly. “What about Cole?”

  “I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Nate will keep it buttoned tonight, whether he likes it or not.”

  Bethany didn’t pry for details while we power-shopped on Oxford Street, striving to tackle as many stores as possible before their shutters closed. I was highly doubtful that it was a case of her not wanting to know- god knows that her curiosity was burning so fiercely that her eyebrows had practically singed off- so I put it down to respect for my privacy. She had never pushed for me to divulge more than I surrendered voluntarily, and I appreciated it. If I explained the severity of Nathaniel’s intentions out loud, I would have to address the issue, and I wasn’t ready for that kind of emotional upheaval. Bethany knew that, and she knew the consequences of pushing me too hard and too fast. She had spent years helping me establish a healthy routine and rebuild my self-respect, and she was in no hurry to see that effort blown to pieces.

  “Why white?” She blinked in surprise at the heavily layered gossamer maxi-dress I’d staked out as a favourite. It was more supernal than seductive, but gave me a softness that I felt I needed after a day spent being a treacherous vixen. I was more than perverse lust and cracked whips to keep my men at bay- I was full of love and hurting, aggrieved by the beating of my own heart. “Did you really pick this yourself?”

  My face dropped. “Does it suck?” I knew that I was still style inept, but I’d tried so hard.

  “No way, Cici. It’s perfect. I’m just… surprised.” So was I. “I’m proud of you.”

  It was a struggle not to cry when she spoke those four words. They were something usually only uttered by family, but that was something she had become through the love and desperation she had poured into me over the years, unwilling to let me disappear into my self-loathing. And I knew it wasn’t pride for my new found knowledge of fashion. “You’ve come so far in such a short time- you’re so beautiful and in control that it makes my brain bleed sometimes.” She hooked her arm through mine and led me to a cashier. “And whatever path you take, whether it’s Nathaniel or Cole, I trust you to make the right choice. Just don’t forget about little old me when you’re super famous and autographing hot guys’ butt-cracks.”

  “I can always count on you to ruin a heartfelt moment with something crass, can’t I?” We bumped shoulders and finalised my purchase with a brandished debit card and the impulsive last minute selection of a highly provocative white basque.

  The bistro loomed over me menacingly as Bethany and I stepped out of the taxi onto the pavement and onto the rich vermillion mat that spread across the threshold announcing ‘Benvenuto!’ to the feet that walked across it.

  Silence cast over the dining room for a moment as I stepped in, heads turning to face me before returning to their companions to gossip in hushed whispers. I recognised that stillness as the reaction that Nathaniel provoked. Had I become notorious too?

  Bethany lunged towards Adam with inexorable enthusiasm that put me in mind of the way I’d attacked Nathaniel in the Chrysler- like he was the elixir to eternal life and beauty. Their closeness pained me. I couldn’t yet express that same tenderness freely with the man I loved so deeply, and not being able to do so was a dagger in my heart. I braced myself to tell Cole immediately that I couldn’t continue to live his lie, hoping to conclude the harsh admission before Nathaniel arrived to avoid a heated conflict. I ran my words through my mind quickly and repeatedly in the short time I had before Cole stepped into view.

  And the minute he did, the words vanished. That total completeness I had felt when he had kissed me that morning flooded me again with agonising clarity and I needed him madly. I threw myself at him and devoured him- seeking my answers in the buss of his full soft lips.

  “Well hello to you too,” he gushed breathlessly, cupping my face in his hands.

  I tilted my head to kiss the pad of his thumb. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too, bella.” His freed Italian colloquialism triggered a flutter and leap in my heart. “You smell different. New perfume?” I supressed a telling tick and smiled just slightly. He could smell Nathaniel on me, like a lowly beast sounding out the scent of an alpha male.

  “Envy.”

  “Ah.” His hands slid down my arms to meet mine and he slowly pulled me towards an arrangement of four tables pushed together. “My compliments to Nathaniel. He has impeccable taste.” If only you knew.

  I glanced around in confusion and frowned at the tables, counting and recounting the set places. “Eight?”

  “He called earlier, said his sister and one of his significant women could make it. Didn’t think you’d remember to tell me, so called himself. You’ve been busy?”

  “Shopping.” I slumped down into a seat, quietly disheartened. Nathaniel was playing games when he’d said he wouldn’t, and the way Cole’s words had become so lax and casual were a harrowing disclosure of his apathy. A nagging feeling of dread overcame me, apparently obvious enough for Bethany to swoop down next to me with my inhaler in her hand.

  “I don’t know what’s going on,” she whispered cautiously, “but you have to relax. The way you threw yourself at him just now- you’re overcompensating. Your guilt is screaming from every pore.” She rubbed my shoulder comfortingly and hummed in resignation as she straightened, taking the seat directly opposite mine for optimal view of my emotions as they ran their course through the evening. She was poised to rescue me should I need it, I knew that much.

  The wine couldn’t flow fast enough. If I drank enough shiraz to skew my vision, I wouldn’t have to look at Cole in all his innocent glory and remember who I’d been underneath while he fought to instil knowledge in uncaring teenagers who attended only to earn their government grants.

  Bethany watched me critically as I drained each glass as though they contained nothing but air. “Why don’t you move on to white?” she asked me as a single droplet of red wine travelled from the corner of my mouth to my chin. She would not attempt a futile effort to save me from my recklessness, but she would sure as hell seek to save the sheer white frock so delicately hanging from my frame.

  Adam and Cole barely seemed to notice that I was set to self-destruct and racking up an impressive amount on the bill for alcohol- of course they had seen me drink heavily before and most likely viewed my behaviour as normal. But they hadn’t seen me shake after a dry weekend or seek to substitute my buzz through other means. I was verging on being an alcoholic and the current complications of my life gave me no reason to address the issue. If I killed myself through alcoholism, it would have definitely made matters easier. I could detox, yes, I’d done it before. But the implications of dealing of withdrawal from not one, but three addictive sources? My mind just couldn’t process it.

  When the clock rolled around to ten minutes past eight, I thought that maybe I was in the clear. That Nathaniel had heeded my plea for him to keep his distance and taken his siblings out to an upmarket restaurant in the city centre reserved for the hot and happening faces of popular culture and high economy. I could speak nothing of our afternoon and become a hermit for a few days- email him my final draft on Friday and correspond via telephone in the meantime. I could persistently avoid him and never see him again, and once he sent my book to print, I’d only have to deal with his minions and not the man himself. If I couldn’t see him, I couldn’t love him.

  That optimism was cut from me with the entrance of four suited figures. The diners froze like they had when I’d arrived, but for considerably longer. They
lingered and swelled, as formidable as the four horsemen, then paced towards us boldly.

  The twins wore matching designer suits- white shirted and black tied- and each had a hand casually shoved into his pocket and a smirk on his face. Cornelia wore a similar arrangement in leather, shirt and tie in rich satin that clung to the nimble body she boasted internationally.

  And our fourth was Lobke. Of all the people in the world, it had to be the woman who had seen me lose control spectacularly in person. Her hair hung loose and displayed a femininity that often went missed when coupled with her chauffeur’s uniform. She too was suited, and showcased an unexpectedly ample bosom and tiny waist. I could have sworn that she’d mentioned being a mother but the claim just didn’t seem viable.

  I cast my eyes down as they imparted their precursory greetings and seated themselves at the four remaining places. It felt very much like an us-and-them situation- a clear divide between luxury and necessity. And on the cusp of that divide were Bethany and I- we separated our men from their rivals. A heated glance exchanged between her and Isaac, who sat down beside her with a sterling grin, the chemistry between them clearly coursing. Cornelia and Lobke sat at the furthest edge of the table and muttered between themselves briefly before staring at me with lip-bitten grins. They knew, and had purposely left the seat next to me vacant.

  Every hair on my body stood to attention as Nathaniel’s hand fell into view on the back of the chair next to me. His other brushed my back just slightly as he settled down and casually spread across the wooden seat, domineering enemy territory like only he could.

  My hand felt for Cole’s, desperate to keep contact with him, as morbid fascination drew me to raise my head to absorb the sight of the untouchable male who had scuppered my every attempt to hold on to my morality.