The Price Of Success (Fighting For Fireworks)

by Lee, Corri

  “She keeps him because he’s a pussy cat, Nelly. She thinks she’s frugal and I’m a profligate reprobate. What she feels for him is obligatory and what she feels for me is involuntary.”

  “In English?” Adam shook his head at them in frustration, baffled by their vocabulary. “Cecelia, care to interpret?”

  I stammered for a moment before I slouched back into my chair and pouted disapprovingly at the empty wine bottle. I was begrudged to dumb down the sentiment, particularly when it was largely right. “I thought you were a psychology teacher? She feels cheap and is worried that she’ll get ditched for something richer and prettier. And she loves her boyfriend because she has to, but loves Nathaniel because she can’t not love him.”

  “Wow. So if she loves you more just tell her boyfriend.” Cole shrugged carelessly and waved a hand to a waiter. “I would hate to stay with a woman who loved someone else.” He pulled my arms around his neck and kissed me briefly, before releasing me to allow the waiter to take our dessert orders. He really was maddeningly oblivious. “I know that when I’m inside this girl tonight, she won’t see straight- let alone see another man.”

  I dared to steal a glance at Nathaniel, who withdrew the instant that there was any insinuation that I’d be sleeping with Cole that night. The pained look in his eyes stabbed at me- I had never seen hurt like it. Plus I knew that if I went to bed with Cole, I would dwell on how he didn’t compare to Nathaniel and that after such a brutal battery that afternoon, the experience would hurt like hell- more than usual. “About that…” I bit on the side of my lip and waited until the waiter left. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to head home tonight. I’m shattered, I have so much work left to do on the novel, and I’m really not feeling well.”

  Cole’s face was overcome with genuine concern. “You’re not going to have another asthma attack, are you?”

  “No, no. I’m just…” I threw a few ideas around my mind that would ensure that he wouldn’t try to stay with me. Diarrhoea, food poisoning, chlamydia? No, all awful. “It’s my period.”

  “Oh. Say no more.” Oh good, no inclination to blood sports. I couldn’t ignore the disappointment written all over his face, but at least I had made one morally righteous move that day. At least I thought I had. Was denying my boyfriend access to my body because another man had already used it really so moral? “Will you see your woman tonight, Alexander?”

  Nathaniel raised an eyebrow and shifted in his seat so his leg brushed mine. “Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. She’ll come to me if she wants to.”

  Bethany and I traded glances and both swooned theatrically, fanning our faces with a laugh. The literary maidens that resided inside us were suckers for men who quoted Shakespeare. She threw her hands up and folded them behind her head. “My god, Nate, don’t talk dirty to us!”

  Adam nudged her in the ribs in playful warning. “Does someone lust after the bard?”

  “Just his words, knave. Thy silver antiquated tongue doth seduce the wanton mistress.”

  He wrinkled his nose and nodded, tilting his head towards hers for a kiss. “Okay, that is kind of hot.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Bethany gripped his face in her hands and fluttered her lashes. “Between the two of us, we have the entire works of Shakespeare memorised.”

  Isaac laughed and said “Nate is fixated on As You Like It. Barely draws breath if he starts to utter it,” before twirling his finger around in his ear in a suggestion of madness. Nathaniel grinned contentedly and ignored Isaac’s groan as he began to recite the play from the beginning. Bethany and I watched him, doe eyed and enamoured- ably seduced by a man who shared our lust for tragic love stories.

  He paused for a drink and Cole whistled behind me. “Jesus, I only remember one line from that play- that’s some crazy kind of photographic memory or unhealthy obsession. If I’d known it got girls hot, I would have paid more attention at school though.” He shook his head in disbelief and stroked his neck thoughtfully. “He’s fallen in love with your foulness and she’ll fall in love with my anger. If it be so, as fast as she answers thee with frowning looks, I’ll sauce her with bitter words. That’s all I remember.”

  I rubbed my eyes wistfully. If all the lines of all the plays, it had to be that one- one that seemed so oddly apt. Nathaniel had fallen for all my flaws and I’d fallen for Cole in the midst of all his jealous rage. “You missed- Why look you so upon me?”

  “For no ill will I bear you.” Nathaniel smirked at me and ran his tongue across his teeth. “Care to continue?”

  “I’d rather not.” Rosalind’s next line stuck out to me like a bitter insult.

  “Aw.” Nathaniel pouted disingenuously. “Chicken.” I didn’t appreciate the taunt in the slightest.

  “Don’t challenge me, Alexander. I will Shakespeare that sneer right off your smug face.”

  Cole reached for my hand and squeezed it gently. “You are allowed to say if you don’t remember.” That was a greater insult than the line itself.

  “I pray you, do not fall in love with me, For I am falser than vows made in wine: Besides, I like you not.” I spat the remaining prose and folded my arms haughtily. I was rapidly going off English literature.

  Cole frowned at me and stroked my face gently. “Why are you so riled?”

  “Shakespearean brush off,” the suits next to me laughed snootily, “the lady doth proclaim her intentions through prose.”

  I glared at Nathaniel, resisting the urge to go bat-shit crazy in the middle of very open and very public setting. He had pushed me into making an admission of being a liar- whether or not Cole had detected the subtext. “The ass doth proclaim his nuisance through state of dubiety and malice.”

  “Maid, be not testy- for the magot with whom you reside is zany that he won’t cast delation into this trigon in which, the deserving hero takes the wench and the unpregnant pig retires to his sty. The tax you quicken is simular.”

  Jaws dropped around us, and I honestly couldn’t decide if the insult stung more from being so poetically admonished, being called ‘wench’, or being so damn turned on by how he spun off that kind of retort with such ease. He was goading me- he hadn’t needed to tell Cole a single thing when he could twist me into telling him myself. His lunacy had gone far enough. I had promised to address the matter the next day but, for a man who claimed to love me, he couldn’t grant me the respect of that small amount of time.

  “Cast not thine eyes upon mine and seek no refuge in my loins, for I am not to be taken by rogues nor thieves. I would sooner cut my tongue and tear it asunder than speak of my sin, for now it matters no more than dust. If I took you as a noble, sir, I was mistaken. See now who bears countenance with the unpregnant pig.” I narrowed my eyes as Nathaniel’s widened. “And if anyone needs a translation for that, it is quite simply ‘get fucked’.”

  “What the hell is going on between you two?” Cole rose from his seat and towered over me, his stature imposing and judgmental. I had gotten carried away with my ire and had well and truly dropped myself right into a whole mess of trouble.

  “Nothing.” I hissed, turning to Lobke and the Alexander’s. When I said ‘nothing’, I meant ‘nothing anymore’. I didn’t need to take Bethany’s advice of sleeping on the matter- this was nonsense I definitely could not deal with. Where was my control that night?

  It had been trodden underfoot by Nathaniel and had not been released until I’d stamped on his toes and wrenched it back from the shit he’d pushed me into. “I’m going home. I suggest you all do the same.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I fled from the bistro without hesitation. I had done enough, but if Nathaniel was set on incriminating me further, I didn’t want to stand there while he did it. He, Isaac, Cornelia and Lobke had all walked in with the intention of humiliating me, laughing at my weakness- while Cole’s rejection of not kissing me and harsh judgment over my past still stung. His love was obsessive, while Nathaniel’s was unconditional, but he exercised it p
oorly. Still, I felt cold when I thought of them- they both manipulated me to settle their insecurities. Two jilted lovers. The burning desire I felt for both of them earlier that day was gone with just a couple of hours of badly chosen tactics and childish one-upmanship. If I could turn sour so quickly, did I truly love either of them?

  I spotted the Chrysler on numerous occasions and dodged its view each time. Nathaniel’s smugness- that he still felt he could control everyone around him- left a bitter taste in my mouth and I didn’t want to see him or hear his excuses. There was too much likelihood that I’d forgive him.

  When I arrived home, I sat alone in the darkness and negotiated the kitchen by candlelight. If the lights stayed off, it would look like nobody was home when Nathaniel came by, and he would.

  And he did. I had just settled myself into my bed with my laptop when the front door pounded and the quiet streets were disturbed by him screaming my name. “Just break the fucking door down, Isaac, I know she’s in there!” I had heard that level of desperation before- I had screamed it myself in that damned converted church.

  “Nate, you fucked up. Let it go. Nate!” A loud crash shook the walls of my house and a clamour of disapproval roared from the street. He was, quite literally, trying to beat my door down. He felt my presence, and his persistence was terrifying.

  On the third crash, I began to worry for his safety as much as the state of my property. The door was sturdy, I knew as much, and he would do himself some serious damage. I dismissed the notification for forty-nine missed calls on my phone and rang him, relieved by the instant pause in his destruction. “If you break down my door, Nathaniel, you won’t see me for dust and I’ll bill you for it.”

  “Cecelia,” his voice rushed out like I’d released a noose from his neck, “let me in.”

  “I really don’t want to talk to you right now, Nathaniel. What you did in that restaurant was fucked up beyond redemption. You said you’d give me time.” I heard his driving companions urge him into the car and a door slide shut.

  “I’m sorry, Cecelia. I thought taking the decision from your hands would be beneficial in the long run. You’ve forced yourself to return his love, but if he doesn’t love you anymore, you have no responsibility to him.” So that had been the plan- to eliminate the competition. “I’m only human, and I’m making this up as I go along. You’ve forgiven Fiore for so much worse, and you’ll forgive him again for not chasing you, despite my telling him to. Why can’t you make such concessions for me?”

  My stomach twisted with guilt at the tears in his voice. Nathaniel was right- this was only his first mistake in our ‘relationship’ and I’d already written him off. “It wasn’t fair for you to actively humiliate me.”

  “It wasn’t fair for me to have to watch him put his hands all over my woman.”

  “I told you not to come.” He sighed slowly and I could just imagine him running a hand through his hair, realising that he’d set himself up for hurt. “Did you tell Cole about us?”

  “Of course not. I saw that look in your eye- that you’d fallen out of love with me, and I told him to chase you. I told him to chase the woman who loves him, make her happy. Do you know what he said?” I answered with my silence. “ ‘It’s cool, this is how we roll. She’ll call me when she’s ready. She’s more bipolar than Jekyll and Hyde.’ And then he sat down to eat your abandoned dessert.”

  My reaction was to laugh, but inside I was in pieces. Cole had plumped our relationship down just being a series of arguments and reconciliatory meals followed by unsatisfactory make-up sex when my mood improved, but he made assertions of violence towards the person who loved me properly. How much of what he felt for me was just territorialism? “Sorry, umm… so why have you been following me?”

  “You saw us? I wanted to find you to sweep you off your feet, Cecelia. Remember everything that you told me? Nothing less than an instant connection, fireworks, extravagance- I’m offering you all of that. Why are you compromising for a man who was more interested in your ice cream than making sure you arrived home safely?”

  I stammered and faltered, disarmed by the sadness and despair I could hear fracturing that seductively sharp tongue. Even when he thought I didn’t love him, he still chased me. His love was so deep that it was blind- the way mine had been when I thought it was prohibited. And to some effect, this was exactly the same in reverse. He ached for a woman who loved another, and in some way, I did wish that someone would take the choice from my hands.

  Having not heard the engine start and knowing he was still outside, I crept downstairs and opened the front door, scrubbing a hand over my face while I waited for him to realise that I was open to access. He crept out slowly, like moving too quickly might scare me back inside. I clasped my hands together and raised them to my lips as he stopped on the step below me, hands clenched at his sides, terrified to touch me. “If you love me, you’ll let me go.”

  He gasped at me in disbelief and killed a piece of my spirit with the image of his heart breaking in his eyes. “No!”

  I fought back my tears and sighed, dropping down to sit on the hard concrete. I didn’t think that he could possibly comprehend how hard it was for me to send him away. “Nathaniel, I’m just so confused and you’re making it worse by pushing me. If I love you like I think I do, I’ll be back. But you have to get it into your head that you can’t manipulate me into dropping my life for you. I need distance, I need headspace. I need to know that this isn’t lust and I need to know that fireworks are enough. Are there any more lessons you need to teach me for the novel?” He shook his head miserably and averted his eyes from mine. “Then you don’t need me to come into the office again.”

  “Is this really the end?”

  “No, Nathaniel!” I sprung up and gripped his face between my hands. “It could just be the beginning. But it wouldn’t be fair to take all you’re offering me if I’m not sure that I want it. I don’t know what I’m looking for- maybe divine intervention. I feel for Cole for a reason, and I don’t think that it can possibly be emotional displacement any more, not now you’re available to me.” He apprehensively raised his eyes to mine and his vulnerability gripped me like a vice. But pity was no basis to run off into the sunset with him. “I need to vent this into my laptop, Nate. If I write, read and reread, maybe I’ll find an answer.”

  And that’s exactly what I did. What I couldn’t transfer into my novel, I poured into a new document that outlined my two significant men and our journeys. Both had caused me so much turmoil and emotional agony but were so perfect in their own way. Nathaniel was romantic and instantly drew me in, but Cole was beautiful and had fought for me.

  My phone buzzed once with a text message as Bethany strolled through the door at eight in the morning and cocked her head at me, stooping down next to the couch and gripping my hand. “Cole is still oblivious. He thinks you’re PMT-ing.”

  “Figures.” The news came as no surprise to me. I didn’t know if he was just that stupid or if he just perceived everything in such a way that made him happy. I growled when I picked up my phone and saw that the text message was from Nathaniel. He just couldn’t help himself. “Leave me alone, Alexander.” I mumbled, passing the phone to Bethany. She opened the messaged with a frown and snatched the laptop from underneath my hands, frantically typing a web address into the browser. “What is it?”

  She whimpered quietly and pouted before she turned the laptop back towards me. “He sent you a YouTube address, nothing more. The song seems pretty apt.” Fifteen seconds of advertisement ran before You flashed into life on the screen and Wonderland flashed before my eyes, along with the memory of crumbling in the Chrysler, feeling that my life was over before it had even really started. We had felt the same at that point of loss. We were so in tune and painfully synchronised.

  I couldn’t escape him if I wanted to. I glanced down at the claddagh ring on my right hand and remembered how Cornelia had called it a tether. Nathaniel had me mentally stripped, gagged and bo
und to him but I still fought.

  “Do you want my opinion again?” Bethany rose from the floor and headed into the kitchen as the video faded to black. “Neither of them are good enough for you. But who would your parents tell you to pick- the man who’d kill for you or the man who’d die for you?” Her point was poignant and cut me to the quick. The question had no real answer though- they’d have insisted on both. But to give your life for somebody… that would be the biggest commitment of all. “You have to cut one off before you pick the other, Cici. It’s not fair on anyone if you string them both along. The sooner the better.” I knew that she was right, but that didn’t help me decide who I wanted more.

  I waited for her to leave for work before I made a call I never imagined I would. I needed an impartial decision by someone who knew me as well as she did, maybe even better. Someone who had counselled me as well as indulged my self-destructive nature. Somebody with no emotional connection to either man. Someone who maybe knew me better than I knew myself.

  “Cecelia?” It amazed me that he recognised my number after all this time- I had been a creature of habit and it had never changed- and evidently, he had been the same.

  I sighed and rubbed my forehead. This cry out for help was a long shot. “Aiden. Are you free?”

  Aiden Clark was a beast of a man who had muscles stacked upon muscles and a shock of blonde hair to top them. Like Cole, any woman would salivate if she looked at him, but unlike Cole, that salivation was virtually rabid. After six years, he was in his prime- the fine thought lines around his eyes were distinguished and wise while the rough stubble on his chiselled jaw and chin said trouble with a capital T.