The Princess and the Cop

by R L Humphries

  ‘I have you with me, oh wise one! And I have Gerhardt. And hasn’t he matured since marrying Sophie? But if they all are conciliatory or even crawl a little, I think I’d keep them on. Alright?’

  ‘A very wise decision, Tessadonna. How much is involved? Do we know that yet?’

  ‘The accountants count it in the trillions. There are huge investments. We own lots of Microsoft and Strawberry….’

  ‘That’s Apple, darling.’

  ‘Whatever, and lots of shares in big companies throughout the world. It’s obscene. I know that. When all this is sorted I want to start giving it the poor, or charities that help the poor.’

  I said, ‘You’ll be a charitable foundation, darling. That’s great! Tell me, are there any poor people in Bassenburg?’

  ‘None, or there shouldn’t be. One thing my forebears did do correctly was to set up a fund to help anyone in trouble. Perhaps the only thing, darling. And please remember that you, my sweet, are part of all of this. Some is yours or as much as you want. So bang go your egalitarian principles! Dennis is doing it tough, isn’t he? How about a million dollars to him, by bank transfer, tonight? We’ll be like that Smith Family, in Australia. Perhaps we could have them to dinner and they could give us some advice?’

  ‘The Smith Family isn’t a family, darling. It’s a foundation. It doesn’t exist as an actual family.’

  ‘Well, the Corrigan family does. Now where’s that bloody baby? Come, darling, one more try and then we give up.’ With a brilliant smile and a strong hug.

  Later, I reduced her enthusiastic grant to Dennis to a hundred thousand. He wouldn’t have known what to do with a million.

  ****

  At the meeting the next day, the Princess was at her regal best and soon had the counsellors grovelling. They offered restitution but she told them to give what money they were offering to an Austrian charity, and she demanded their undertaking to do that, which they hastily gave. They admitted their guilt and offered their resignations but she told them that she still wanted their advice and they owed this forbearance that she was showing, solely to me, the man they’d disapproved of ever since I’d arrived. That declaration drew absolutely no response.

  The Judge approved but the Austrian Police had to be consulted.

  They objected, but I came in and pointed out, most courteously, that the von Prambergs were the victims and the complainants here and that the Princess Tessadonna von Pramberg had extracted all the justice she required. And as a shareholder, so to speak, I was happy to accept her decision.

  ‘We want no punishment, just fair dealing!’ I said. And my wife looked at me as if I’d just proposed.

  The Austrian Police chief bowed deeply to my wife, the Judge banged his gavel far harder than necessary, Tessa took me to the bedchamber far quicker than was necessary and we made love for just about the right amount of time, baby in mind. She was very grateful.

  ‘What a team, my darling?’ she said. ‘The Princess and the Cop!’

  22.

  With all of that stuff out of the way I turned my attention to the Palace, which was very old, and slowly falling down. I commissioned a building company from Austria to begin repairing, with me keeping a close eye on things. I thought that Tessa was showing no interest but she assured me that she was. It was just that these sorts of things were beyond her, and she trusted me. It was a busy job.

  When Gerhardt and Sophie were married, the wedding banquet was on the usual two levels that I’d endured at the coronation. During the wedding feast, I watched from our elevated station and became more and more unhappy. Everyone was having a great time and suddenly, I have no true understanding why, I leaned over, kissed Tessa on the cheek, and walked down to the lower level. I took the hand of a young lady and danced with her and then escorted her back to her seat. I sat with her and we talked. She was lovely. Then I danced with another young lady. I didn’t look at Tessa or anyone up there with the gods. I did that a bit and then returned to the upper level.

  When I sat beside Tessa she said, ‘I’m not sure what the point was, darling, but you’ll tell me.’

  ‘Time for change, Tessadonna. I’ll tell you later. It’s called democracy!’

  So when I came to repair and remodel the Palace, I turned to the banquet hall.

  I thought it would cause a big disagreement. I proposed remodelling the banquet room to become one big room, with the two levels being turned into one. No more ‘Them and Us’ as I’d suffered. I talked to her about it and, at first, she was unhappy. It was a tradition, ever since the Palace had been built. And here I was, again, destroying another tradition, literally. I told her, frankly, how it felt to be down on the lower level, although I’d never be there again. I laid it on.

  ‘Can you not tolerate being on the same level as the second-class people who are consigned to the lower level, darling? I’ve been there and I don’t think I’ve been polluted in any way. Neither has Sophie.’ As I talked she stared at me with wide eyes, and then embraced me.

  ‘And this is where I need you, Barton. You’ve made it so clear to me. I never gave it a thought before. It’s always been that way, in my life. I watched you at Sophie’s wedding and thought that, if I’d been you, at the coronation, I think I’d have gone home. Every Royal palace should have an Aussie to fix up things.’

  ‘Sophie made the coronation tolerable, darling. And go home? And miss the show? No way!’

  I thought it significant that, the two levels having been turned into one, Tessa established quite a large social program, using the ballroom. We had black-tie balls, community dances, flower shows, fashion shows and even pet shows, although we had only one of those. Too much clean-up. We had banquets for our joint birthdays and Easter and Christmas. Sophie and Tessa became skilled in the art of selecting people to attend and it all worked out ok.

  ****

  Tess and I worked in our office each day in companionable silence and at 4 pm had an unbreakable date to go horse-riding, pausing on the way back at the Inn in the village for a pre-dinner drink and a talk with the locals. As word of this got around more and more locals began to turn up and, what should have been a pleasant interlude, turned into a major complaints session.

  I enjoyed the friendly disagreements but I watched my wife closely and it was beginning to tell on her. But she wouldn’t give up the occasion. ‘As long as you’re beside me, darling.’

  I began to take more notice of her at her desk. I could stop my desk-work whenever I wanted, really, but Tess seemed to have a mountain of work. She sometimes turned down the ride and, even more serious, sometimes said she was too tired for sex. And she so desperately wanted that child!

  So, one day, when she was out of the study. I peeped at the papers on her desk.

  It was all crap!

  A renewal of an annual deer-shooting permit; confirmation of a penalty on two kids for kicking a football in the main street of the village; approval of transfer of one of the principality’s four taxi licences; and, here’s a beauty, confirmation of a fine on a farmer for not putting his cow away one night. He had. The beast had escaped and wandered the village streets, shitting on what were usually pristine cobblestones.

  There were dozens more decisions like that.

  This place had become a Chocolate Kingdom.

  And I knew that Tessa, being who she was, would take every decision seriously, mulling over each one and even worrying. She sometimes discussed the bigger decisions with me, in bed at night, and I knew she didn’t go to sleep easily, afterwards.

  I buzzed for Gerhardt who came running, responding to the firm and constant pressure on the button.

  I tossed him a handful of the papers with a Queensland Police expression.

  ‘I know, Bart. The counsellors used to handle those things but there was a lot of graft, despite all that’s happened, so Her Royal Highness decided to handle them herself. Didn’t she tell you?’

  ‘No. Tess isn’t a complainer. She’s the suffer in silence t
ype. I could have helped. I will help. Could you investigate and report back to me, not Tess, what we have to do to get rid of the counsellors and how the business can be run without them. I want a secretariat to run the principality in practice with only the major decisions coming to Tess. When you’re ready we’ll find a place for their office. The counsellors don’t do anything now, so it shouldn’t be hard to suggest they walk. Talk about looking Tessa’s gift horse in the mouth! If you need staff, get it. I want a hard package to present to her, to ease the burden.’

  ‘Would five days do?’ he asked.

  I was thinking two weeks, but stayed silent. He was brilliant.

  When Tessa returned, she sat at her desk and looked at it in surprise, and then looked across at me.

  ‘I’ve decided to act to help my over-burdened wife. I like our four o’clock rides, darling, and I’m beginning to miss them. Gerhardt has everything in hand. I want my beautiful girl back again. Soon you’ll see a plan for helping you and helping the business we call Bassenburg du Mont. And sometime soon I’d like to go home for a short while to smell the gum trees. We’ll come back, don’t worry, but I do miss it all.’

  She heard all this in silence and then hugged me.

  ‘I love you so much, Barton. How lucky I am!’

  I told her what I planned, including dismissing the counsellors. She was shaky about that so we agreed to wait three months to see how the secretariat went.

  It went like a charm and so she agreed that the counsellors should be invited to leave. I had no love for these guys so undertook to break the news.

  Then a big shock! I had no idea where they all lurked. They were in the Palace during the day, going home at night, but where in the Palace was a mystery.

  I didn’t bother Tessa about this. I was disturbing an ancient practice and she was understandably disturbed herself. So I went searching by myself.

  It was interesting because, despite my various explorations of the Palace, with and without Tessa, I had no idea of all the nooks and crannies. But I kept at it, and, not too far away from the Royal quarters I came across a guard, outside a door.

  I went to enter but he put his lance across to bar me. I was Knight Barton and if he didn’t recognise me, too bad! I took his lance, of the best timber, and bent it on the stone floor with my foot until it snapped. Then I gently put him aside, unhooked a key from his decorative belt and opened the door. He’d recognised me by now.

  The six counsellors were sitting in leather lounge chairs, ancient ones, sipping wine and reading papers of some sort. One leapt to his feet and made for me. That was ok. I’d never liked these blokes anyway and wouldn’t mind hanging one or two on a jaw or two.

  He recognised me and stopped.

  He said, in German, ‘You are not permitted in these rooms. They belong to the Counsellors. Leave immediately, Knight Barton.’

  My German was improving because I knew what he’d said. But this was my game not theirs.

  ‘Let’s all speak English. You are now dismissed as counsellors and your functions, such as they are, have been assumed by a new secretariat. But I’m guessing you know that. It’s all over, fellas, pack up your old kitbags and leave with a smile. I speak with the authority of Her Royal Highness but I am Knight Barton so I also speak with the authority of Richard Coeur de Leon. You were appointed by verbal authority and I dismiss you all the same way.’

  I got on the phone to Gerhardt and he was soon with me, with a little group of fit and healthy staff from the secretariat. They gently helped the counsellors pack things in cartons and some more staff came in and moved the cartons out of the Palace. These guys weren’t aged—more middle-aged. I was offering the assistance to clear them out quickly, not out of generosity of spirit.

  The leader of the counsellors said, ‘We’ve been expecting this. From the time you started to control Her Royal Highness. You are bad for her and our country. You’re uncouth and do nothing for the Royal Family. We hope you don’t destroy everything but we fear that you will.’

  And then Tessa walked in. Where she’d been I had no idea, but she was imperious.

  She said, ‘He is the best thing ever to happen to me and our country. He has brought control and honesty and the old days have gone, Herr Smid. Go while you can. Go!’

  They left quickly.

  Tessa took my hand, a little firmly I thought and led me to our bedchamber. She pulled me down on the bed, not for sex, but to cry into my shoulder about the end of the old days and in relief that all was now under control and she had no fear of more arguments with the Counsellors, which had gone on for years. Now she was in control with me at her side.

  ‘Thank God for jillaroo schools. Thank God for you, darling. I love you.’

  ****

  We’ve all had ‘if onlys’ in our lives and came a time when I had more than my fair share. And Tessa.

  If only Tessa had not suggested that we needed a week in Vienna, to be away from the dramas that I’d instigated in the control of the Principality;

  If only she hadn’t suggested that we should attend a major performance at the Opera House;

  If only, on the morning of that event she had not gone to the hairdresser and other places to be prepared for this major event, where a promenade preceded the performance, and so she wanted to look her Royal best. She looked beaut at any time, I thought;

  If only I hadn’t found myself at a loose end, gone for a nice tram ride on the Ringstrasse and had departed the tram at a spot where I saw a nice sidewalk cafe;

  If only, while drinking my coffee, I hadn’t looked across the strasse and spotted the headquarters of the Viennese Police;

  If only I’d buried the thought that arose about Prince Harold’s death, Tessa’s father, and the later death of her mother, Princess Marie;

  If only I’d stopped being a copper when the Counsellors’ matter was finished and had not linked Harold’s death to the counsellors;

  If only the Commander had not been in his office when I inquired, or had refused to see me.

  Then Tessa and I would not have had our disastrous parting. But all those things happened, and my wife and I separated, with me departing the family pile.

  The Commander, General Weidman, agreed to see me and was polite and curious.

  ‘I wonder if I could have a look at the file on the death of Prince Harold, sir. About ten years ago was it?’

  He went pale.

  ‘Why, Knight Barton? That file would be the most closely guarded in Austria. Not even you can see it. I’m not sure that it would be open even to Their Royal Highnesses. Does the Princess know you’re doing this?’

  ‘No. But, as a Policeman, you would share my conviction that, if a crime is suspected it should be investigated and I wonder that the counsellors were difficult with Prince Harold and then he died. The Princess is my wife and I feel I have a commitment to investigate his death, even though I have no jurisdiction here in Austria. But, once a copper, always a copper.’

  ‘My advice to you, sir, is to stop being a Policeman and a detective and leave all that to us. Find something else to relieve your boredom. Go for another tram ride.’

  I blinked at that and then realised that he could see right down to the street from his office chair. He’d seen me depart from the tram and have coffee and then cross the strasse. He was waiting for me.

  But I’m stubborn.

  ‘I’m committed. I’ll find another way.’

  ‘Go home to your wife, Knight Barton. Turn over no more stones in Bassenburg du Mont.’ He held the door open for me and I left.

  Tessadonna was a sight worth waiting for when she arrived home and I was proud to have her on my arm at the opera. Often, I lifted her hand and kissed it during the night and the lovemaking was great after we got home.

  In the morning, we’d had breakfast, and then, at 9 am, on the dot, Tessa’s phone rang and she listened for a while and then turned to me. She didn’t look happy.

  ‘Play it again for me, Comm
ander,’ and held the phone out to me to listen…. My voice was saying, ‘No, but as a Policeman, you would share my conviction that, if a crime is suspected it should be investigated and I wonder that the counsellors were difficult with Prince Harold and then he died. The Princess is my wife and I feel I have a commitment to investigate his death, even though I have no jurisdiction here in Austria. But, once a copper always a copper.’

  And then… ‘I’m committed. I’ll find another way.’

  She said into the phone, ‘Thank you. I’ll handle this now. The file should be kept the way it has been.’ She hung up and looked at me with a face so sad that I felt a little sick. What had I done?

  She said, ‘How dare you? How dare you feel that you have the right to intrude into things that don’t concern you? If I’d wanted you to know these things I’d have told you, Bart. Once a copper always a copper and this is what I’ve watched develop in our marriage for some time now. The Inspector gets bored and finds crimes to solve even though they probably should be left alone. But he’s a Policeman and must act as a Policeman while I watch, wondering what next. So, what next, Barton? I am not going to spend our time together waiting for each great discovery and then the conviction and punishment. What next, Bart?’

  I said, ‘I made a mistake, and I’m sorry. I apologise and ask for forgiveness. I love you and thought I was helping. That’s all I ever did, Tessadonna. Tried to help you.’

  She said, ‘My father died of a heart attack, making love to his mistress in a hotel in Vienna. She was the wife of his best friend, a high-ranking Austrian official. It was hushed up and he was buried with full honours. My mother lasted six months and then died of pneumonia, but she didn’t fight the illness and Dr. Elmaden told David and me that she really died of a broken heart. There, Inspector Corrigan, I’ve done your work for you! Mystery solved. Something I’d hoped never to revisit. And the counsellors that you abhor so much took David and me into their homes and comforted us and saw that we had good childhoods and were prepared for our roles when we came of age. It changed later on, but I remember them as they were then.’