The Hope of Refuge

by Cindy Woodsmall

  Embarrassed at all he knew about her, she whispered, “Yeah, well, that didn’t happen.”

  Ephraim drew a long, slow breath. “Cara, I can’t afford to get caught off guard. I need to know. Is Lori’s father likely to show up looking for her?”

  Now she knew why he’d gone out of his way to pick her up. And why he was being so friendly. He wanted answers to personal questions.

  “What you’re really asking is whether I have a no-good boyfriend or husband somewhere, right?” She snarled the words, not caring how angry she sounded. The insult made her skin burn.

  Without saying anything else, he climbed down, took a blanket from the wagon, and placed it in a clearing ahead of the horse before returning to her. As he lifted Lori from her arms, his eyes met hers. “I meant no offense.”

  She bit back her sarcasm, reminding herself that it didn’t matter what he thought of her. Her mistake had been allowing the easy banter between them to make her think he had any sense of who she might be. But attitudes like his got old fast.

  He took Lori to the blanket on the ground and gently laid her there. She didn’t stir. He returned to the wagon and grabbed a basket from it. He held out his hand, offering to help her down. She turned and climbed out the other side.

  When she glanced across the wagon, he was watching her, and she couldn’t keep her thoughts silent any longer. “I was married to Lori’s father. In spite of what your kind might think, he was a decent man. If he’d lived, I’d never have set foot in this stinking place.”

  “My kind?”

  “Yeah, the ones who were born having it all. You dare judge the rest of us by a standard you claim to be God’s. And just to prove your greatness, you create a God who favors you over us.”

  He stared at her as if sizing her up. She wanted to lash out until his high-and-mighty eyes opened. All humans were equal. Some started out with more because of their parents, but that wasn’t through their own skill or worthiness. She’d started with nearly nothing and continually lost more as life went on. He’d been given everything. And yet he thought he was better than her?

  “Mom?” Lori called, waking.

  Cara hurried to her. “I’m right here, Lorabean.”

  She rubbed her eyes, searching her surroundings. “Where are we?”

  “On a picnic.” Ephraim set the dog on the blanket beside her.

  “Better Days!” Every trace of fear drained from her, and she scooped the puppy into her arms. “Thanks, ’From.” She grinned. “Me and Better Days are hungry. We got any food?”

  Ephraim tapped the top of the basket. “Fried chicken, potato chips, lemonade, and cake.”

  “You do way better picnics than Mom.” The puppy licked her face. She giggled and jumped to her feet. “Can we go to the creek? Better Days would love it.”

  “I thought you were hungry,” Ephraim said.

  “First I wanna see if he likes the water.”

  Cara pointed to a sandy area that sloped to a shallow section. “No deeper than your ankles, and don’t get out of my sight.”

  “Come on, Better Days.” Lori took off running with the puppy dancing around her feet, half tripping her as they went.

  Cara sat on the blanket. “You are better at doing picnics.” She peeked into the basket. “All she’s going to remember of her childhood is what I couldn’t provide.”

  Ephraim sat beside her. “You’re a good mother, Cara. She’ll remember how much you loved her.”

  The gentleness in his voice made guilt run through her. All he’d requested were a few reasonable answers, and she’d been defensive and rude. Tears threatened, reminding her how weary she was. “Sometimes I can barely remember my mother. Other times the memories are so strong I can’t break free of them. I think she died not long after we were here. Then life became an endurance test.”

  “Not long after…” The hurt in his eyes surprised her.

  He dropped his sentence and looked out over the fields. While they rested on the blanket, waiting side by side for night to come, an unfamiliar pull to talk openly tugged at her. Her anger at him still rumbled, but she’d finally met someone who’d known her mother, someone who had enough honor to do what it took to keep her and Lori from being separated.

  A leaf floated downstream, drifting powerlessly on the creek’s current. That’s how she felt—caught by a desire as normal and natural as water flowing and a fallen leaf. Rather than treat him like she did everybody else, she decided to ignore her offense and give in to her need. “I…I met Johnny when I was seventeen. He was a huge, burly man, and he became my shelter. Of course that safety came with a price, and we married a year later. He believed in your God too. Said he met him in prison.” She shrugged. “Somewhere during the first years of our marriage, I fell in love with him.”

  Ephraim grabbed a Mason jar out of the basket. “I’ve never heard of anyone falling in love after they got married. Although I have known a few who fell out of love.”

  “We got married at the courthouse, but we went to upstate New York for a honeymoon in the Catskill Mountains. The first day we hiked and canoed and had a picnic. It was the most wonderful day I’d ever had…or at least remembered having. That night he said his stomach hurt, so he slept on the couch. Much to my relief.”

  “He knew how you felt, didn’t he?” Ephraim loosened the lid on the jar.

  “He knew. I guess he didn’t care about the time it took to change my mind about him. By the fifth night of our honeymoon, he was still making up excuses to sleep on the couch, but I invited him to stay with me.” In her mind’s eye she could see him clearly as he eased into bed next to her. How many times since he’d died had she wished he’d come to her bed again or been there for meals or watching Lori grow?

  Ephraim held the jar of lemonade out to her. “Sounds like you found a truly good man.”

  She took a sip of lemonade and passed the jar back to him. “I did. When I got pregnant a couple of years later, I thought he’d be furious. But when I told him…”

  The memory haunted her, and regrets twisted her insides. “I watched all this worry cross his face, and I realized he really did love me. I mean, he’d said he did even before we were married. But I hadn’t really believed it.” She sighed. “We thought we could give our child more than either of us had growing up. But before her second birthday…he died.” She rubbed her forehead. “I never have a cigarette when I need one.”

  Ephraim leaned back, propping his elbow on the blanket. “I’m so sorry. I… I just needed to know whether to expect someone to show up looking for you and Lori.”

  She bit back saying, Whatever. In spite of how badly his words had stung, her anger wasn’t completely justified. As her bitterness shrank back, she realized the obvious. What he’d been asking was, did she have someone looking for her?

  “‘From, look,” Lori called. “What kind of fish is this?”

  He rose from the blanket and went to the creek bank.

  Relaxing a little as he left, Cara exhaled slowly. She dug the toy horse out of her backpack, trying to remember owning it. But whether she ever remembered it or not, the past wasn’t her goal. She only had today and the opportunity it afforded her to give Lori a better life than she and Johnny had.

  Of course, she hadn’t told Ephraim about Mike. But hadn’t he earned the right to know the reason she fled New York?

  A swath of crimson sky touched the horizon, signaling that nightfall was close at hand. Ephraim and Lori sat in the middle of a fallen tree that stretched from one side of the creek to the other. With their feet dangling several feet above the surface of the water, Ephraim passed the last bits of bread to Lori to toss below. Catfish circled, snatching the food as soon as it hit the surface. Better Days sat on the creek bank, watching their every move.

  In spite of telling himself to do otherwise, his eyes kept returning to Cara. She sat on the blanket with her legs pulled to her chest, his sister’s dress flowing around them like a large sheet. She watched the ho
rizon as daylight drained from the sky. She looked like something out of a movie or a distant dream—a curious mix of delicate softness and unyielding stone.

  He should have waited until she’d rested and eaten before he asked her questions. Too little food and sleep, along with the trauma of yesterday and the work today, had overloaded her with stress. He should have known not to insult her dignity. She’d shared some of her life with him, so it didn’t seem that he’d done any damage to whatever small amount of trust he’d manage to earn. But it really ate at him that she’d been right.

  His kind.

  Her bull’s-eye remark wasn’t a revelation. Even after his time living among the Englischers, he had a tendency to judge people unfairly sometimes… too often. After being raised by a very conservative group, he had no clue how to finish breaking the measuring stick. But if he wasn’t careful, he’d only strengthen her disbelief in God.

  “‘From, look,” Lori whispered. She pointed to an area of tall grass. A swarm of lightning bugs circled, making quite a show.

  He stood on the log and held out his hand. “Ever caught one of those?”

  She took his hand, balancing herself as she stood. “No way.”

  He chuckled. “Your mama was the best bug catcher I’ve ever seen.” They made their way across the log, and he helped her get on solid ground.

  “Do they bite?”

  “Lightning bugs? No. But if they did, your mom would’ve bitten them right back.”

  “Yuck.”

  Cara cleared her throat. He glanced up, realizing she’d moved from the blanket to the creek side. “Are you saying I eat bugs?”

  Holding back a smirk, he hoped a little teasing might ease the tension between them. “Maybe.”

  The last of the anger faded from her face, and gentleness replaced it.

  He stared at her, wondering a hundred things. He wished he could see inside her heart and really get to know her beyond the few sentences she shared about her past. Ephraim placed his hands on Lori’s shoulders and angled her toward the meadow. “If you hurry, you might get to those fireflies before Better Days, and then you can be the one to scatter them.”

  She took off running, the pup scurrying after her.

  Ephraim turned to Cara, but he had no idea what to say. He would never really understand how it felt to grow up the way she had. To marry for all the wrong reasons yet have it turn out right. And then bury the man she’d grown to love and raise a child alone.

  She held out the toy horse to him as if it symbolized a truce. “I’m Cara Moore now, not Atwater.”

  He placed his hand over it, sandwiching it between their hands. “For years I was sure you’d come back for this. Then I gave up. But I couldn’t make myself throw it out.”

  He removed his hand, and she stared at the horse. “Ephraim, I… I had a guy following me… for years. He’s the reason I needed Johnny and the reason I came here. He won’t find me now. I’m sure of that. Anyway while he was camped out in front of my apartment building, I took what cash I had, and Lori and I boarded a bus. When I got to the bus station, I had no idea where I’d go. So he has no way to know where I am. And no way of tracking me—not this time.”

  She has a stalker?

  He could still see the defensive bitterness inside her, but now he felt amazed that she carried as much hope and trust as she did.

  She started walking toward the blanket. “I have one desire, Ephraim.” Tears brimmed her eyes, and she cleared her throat. “To protect Lori. She’s innocent in this mess that started so long before she was born. You asked me this morning when my mother died. I was eight. And my dad disappeared within a few weeks.”

  “Cara.” Ephraim wanted to scream no long and loud. “You were raised in foster care?”

  “Yeah, one of those homes is where I met Mike, the psycho teen who turned into a stalker.”

  A desire to understand her outweighed any need to proceed carefully. “When he started threatening you, why not go to the police?”

  She sank onto the blanket. “Lots of years, lots of reasons. I tried to go to the authorities once while living as a foster kid under his parents’ roof. Long story, but he won and I ran. When he showed up later, turning him in would’ve been the same as turning myself in. I was a fifteen-year-old runaway who served drinks and danced in skimpy clothes at a bar. I had to stay below the radar.”

  He sat beside her. “And after that?”

  “By the time I was of legal age, I had Johnny to take care of me. He managed a diner, and I worked as one of the waitresses. He never told me what happened between him and Mike, but the other waitresses said he caught Mike skulking around one day and put a gun to his gut, saying he better not see his face again. Mike disappeared. I didn’t see him again until a year after Johnny died.”

  “What happened to Johnny?”

  “Brain tumor—an aggressive, high-resolution glioma. There were four months between the time he was diagnosed and the day I was standing by his grave. When Mike heard Johnny was dead, he came after me, and it all started again—changing jobs and moving apartments. I’d shake him for a while but never for more than a year.”

  “Why didn’t you go to the police then?”

  “I was afraid for Lori. I knew a lot of girls with terrible boyfriends or husbands, dangerous guys, and they’d end up really hurt sometimes, especially if they talked to the cops. I couldn’t afford to provoke a crazy, violent man, and Mike is both. If I killed Mike and went to jail for it or if I made him angry enough to kill me, Lori would suffer either way.”

  As Ephraim understood, he found it hard to sound casual. “She’d go into foster care.”

  “Ain’t life grand?”

  Ephraim felt the sadness inside her, even though her face showed little emotion. “This last time Mike found me, he’d figured out too much—Lori’s name, her school, her likes and dislikes. He threatened my roommate. She said he tore up our place. He wants me, and it seems he finally figured out that he’d never have me—unless he had Lori. I got lucky, really, that he didn’t nab her at school while I was working.”

  A landslide of thoughts tumbled through him. While waiting for the right words to come to him, he spotted movement near the fence line. With dusk falling he couldn’t make out what was moving. Maybe his father’s cows were heading for the barn.

  He returned his focus to Cara. “I’m glad you found your way back here.”

  Cara drew a deep breath. “As soon as we can get social services off my back, I’ll be on my way. This place has nothing for me. I thought maybe I’d find some magical connection that would mean something special for us, for Lori. I should have known better. Levina must have been eighty when I was child. And if Emma Riehl, whoever she is, cared so little she never came for me, why did I think she might have some tie or relationship to offer me or Lori now? It was stupid.”

  Emma Riehl? His stomach twisted. Emma was Cara’s aunt. She was married to Malinda’s oldest brother, Levi. Why would Cara think Emma was supposed to come for her?

  “Where does Emma Riehl fit in, Cara?”

  She rolled her eyes, looking more jaded than her years allowed for. “A few weeks after my mom died, my dad took me to a bus station. He promised that Emma Riehl would come for me, and then he left. She never showed up. So the next thing I knew, someone from social services was hauling me off to the land of the lonely.”

  Why would her father leave her at a bus station if he didn’t believe that Emma was coming for her? He couldn’t ask Emma, not with Cara living in his house. He couldn’t tell Cara either. Not yet. If she handled it wrong, the community would hold him responsible. It hadn’t dawned on her that he probably knew Emma, or maybe it had and she just didn’t care after the incident with the police.

  Ephraim eased his fingers over hers. “You’re exhausted. You need a few days of regular meals, rest, and some peace. Maybe I can get one of my sisters to go to the Howards for a few days.”

  She slid her hand free and ran her fing
ers through her short blond hair. “I appreciate the offer. But I need to work, to prove to social services I can support Lori and myself I want out—out of your home, out of Dry Lake. If you didn’t turn in that report to the police, someone else did, which means people around here think poorly of me and Lori already. I won’t start a new life fighting a battle I’ve already lost.”

  Odd as it seemed, he didn’t want her to leave Dry Lake altogether. She had family and roots. It wasn’t the right time to tell her that, but it would be after she had her own place. Then the community would see her in a different light. Right now they’d only see her through the eyes of the rumors about a drunken thief. “Don’t you want to know why your mother came here? Or how Emma Riehl fits into the picture? Or why your dad thought she would come for you? Or why she didn’t?”

  “I came here thinking that’s what I wanted, but now I know none of that matters. I need to build a life for Lori. Her childhood matters. Not mine.”

  Behind the tough exterior, Cara was still the little girl who’d swum in creeks, jumped from haylofts, and looked at life through eyes of hope. He’d waited years for her to return, longing to see her again. To look into those eyes and rekindle the feelings of friendship that tied them. Cara shifted, glancing behind her. “Hey.” She tapped his shoulder and nodded backward.

  He turned to see Simeon and Becca walking toward him. Dread climbed onto his heart and clung there. The lay of the land kept this little area unseen, so Ephraim had thought it was a safe spot. He came here often, and no one ever showed up.

  He turned back to Cara. “Just sit tight, okay?” He stood.

  “Hi, Lori!” Simeon pointed. “Look, Mamm, there’s the missing pup we’re searching for!” He ran to the spot where Lori and Better Days were chasing fireflies.

  Becca came up to Ephraim, concern written across her face. Her hands moved to her plump waist. “What’s going on?”

  He’d broken many of the written and unwritten rules of his people by being alone with an Englischer woman. He had no defense for it, no excuse or rationalization that would be accepted by her or anyone else. “I know what I’m doing. I don’t need a lecture.”