‘Oh?’ Lizzie said. ‘And what did she say?’
‘She said that I could talk to her if I ever feel sad about it.’
‘That’s good.’
‘She was really nice,’ Max said. His voice was so small, it sounded as though he had been crying. ‘Is it our fault?’ he asked.
‘What do you mean, darling?’
‘Is it our fault Daddy isn’t here any more?’ Max repeated.
‘Darling, of course not,’ Lizzie said emphatically. ‘It’s got nothing at all to do with any of you. It’s just something that happens sometimes. It’s between Mummy and Daddy and no one else.’
‘Do you think Daddy will come home?’ Max asked.
‘I’m not sure,’ Lizzie said. ‘Try not to worry about it, darling. You just concentrate on school, on your lovely friends, and having fun. We all love you very much, especially Mummy and Daddy.’
Tasha bit her bottom lip to stop herself crying. She waited for a moment or two before going into the bedroom to kiss Max goodnight. He asked Tasha to stay with him until he fell asleep, something he hadn’t done for a long time.
Chapter Thirty-four
The first week of the new academic year did not pass by as smoothly as Tasha had hoped. Despite the distraction of school, the consequences of the separation were clearly beginning to take their toll. Max’s behaviour regressed; he was asking for more cuddles, more stories, and more time with Tasha. He had even appeared in her bedroom in the middle of the night asking to sleep in her bed. Bella seemed all right, though she was always so quiet and measured it was hard to tell exactly what was going on in her mind. Flora, on the other hand, seemed to be venting all her sadness and frustration at her mother. Slamming doors, huffing and puffing, eye rolling and sarcasm were her weapons of choice. She clearly thought Tasha was to blame for Charlie’s departure from the family home; her father could do no wrong – in fact, she seemed to idolise him more than ever.
Tasha was due to hand over parental responsibility to Charlie on Friday afternoon, and, after the week she had had, she found she was actually looking forward to the break. She was due to stay with Rosie until Sunday and she was fed up with moping around feeling sorry for herself, wallowing in regret. She needed to take responsibility, both for her actions and for her own happiness. She knew that it was her fault Charlie had left her but she acknowledged that he had been less than perfect himself. Besides, she knew it was not good for her to spend every waking moment fighting off tears. She felt as though she had used her quota for a lifetime in the past few weeks. Instead, for this weekend at least, she was determined to put her family drama to one side and enjoy herself.
‘Have fun with Daddy,’ she said, bending down to kiss and hug each child as she said goodbye. Max clung onto her, reluctant to let her go, but she peeled herself away with promises that she’d be back before he knew it. In contrast Flora didn’t seem nearly so upset at her departure; she stood almost protectively in front of Charlie, clearly delighted to have him home.
‘Be good,’ she called, giving Charlie a cheery wave. Her determination began now – she fixed a smile on her face and tried her best to mean it.
‘Bye,’ he replied. ‘I hope you like Josh.’
‘I have a feeling I’m going to!’ She smiled, slinging a small overnight bag over her shoulder and closing the front door behind her. She was going to meet Rosie and Josh at a Lebanese restaurant in the City. She couldn’t wait to meet the famous apple of Rosie’s eye.
Soon she was taking the lift up to what felt like the very top of an enormous skyscraper. As she ascended Tasha looked at herself in the lift’s mirrored walls. She was feeling pretty good in her outfit of teal silk shirt, black jeans and heeled ankle boots. While the children were at school that morning she had had her roots touched up at the hairdresser and she was happy with the results. Never more so than when Charlie had commented on her hair upon arriving at the house earlier that evening, asking if she had done something new. She wondered whether a bit of distance was all he had needed to notice her more clearly. She certainly felt that the lens of their separation was showing Charlie in a whole new light. He seemed less familiar and more appealing; she found herself appreciating just how good-looking he was. They had even managed to have a relatively normal conversation when she had filled him in on Rosie’s new relationship.
The restaurant was famous for its views overlooking the City; the walls were mostly made of glass to allow diners to see as much as possible of the panorama below. The evenings were getting darker now as the autumn rolled in and the lights from the buildings below glowed softly in the twilight. Tasha headed over to the bar, spotting Rosie perched on a bar stool next to an extremely handsome, bearded man in a smart navy blazer and a crisp white shirt.
‘Tasha, this is Josh,’ Rosie said, unable to disguise the pride emblazoned across her face.
Josh stood up and kissed Tasha on the cheek. ‘Tasha, it’s great to meet you,’ he said with a broad smile.
Tasha was impressed. He was every bit as good-looking as in the pictures she had seen, if not more so in the flesh. ‘You too! I’ve heard so much about you!’
‘All good, I assume?’ Josh winked at Rosie.
‘Of course!’ Rosie laughed. Tasha ordered a gin and tonic from the barman and sat down.
‘This place is amazing,’ she said. ‘I don’t know why I have never been up so high – the view is astonishing!’
‘It’ll get even better when it gets darker later and the City properly lights up,’ Josh promised. ‘And the food here is pretty incredible too.’
‘I can’t wait!’ Tasha said.
‘How are you feeling? Was it OK leaving the kids?’ asked Rosie.
‘It was better. I’m slowly getting used to it, though obviously I would rather be leaving them by choice rather than necessity. But I’m determined to have some fun this weekend and take advantage of the break from motherhood!’
‘Good for you!’ Josh said, raising his glass and chinking it against hers.
After a couple of rounds of drinks at the bar they moved to their table by one of the vast windows. They ordered mezze sharing platters full of hummus, tabbouleh and baba ghanoush, as well as an assortment of meat dishes, selected by Josh.
‘How do you know so much about Lebanese food?’ Tasha asked.
‘I used to live in Beirut.’ Josh explained how he had worked as a correspondent in Lebanon earlier in his career.
‘What was that like?’ Tasha asked. He told them stories about his time there, describing trips to tiny fishing villages on the coast and the spectacular stalactites and stalagmites in the caves at Jeita Grotto that spun miles and miles deep into the mountains. By the end of the night Tasha had decided that she thoroughly approved of Rosie’s new boyfriend. He was fascinating company, interesting and observant, and despite his good looks there was no air of arrogance detectable. He was also clearly as besotted with Rosie as she was with him. It was heart-warming for Tasha to see one of her best friends so in love.
After dessert, taking advantage of Josh’s disappearance to the bathroom, Tasha grabbed Rosie’s hand and whispered, ‘I love him! He is so perfect for you in every way.’
‘I’m so glad you like him!’ Rosie was beaming from ear to ear. ‘I can tell he likes you too.’
‘Let’s hope so. I have a feeling I’ll be knowing him for a long, long time!’ Tasha laughed.
They all clambered tipsily into a taxi back to Rosie’s after their meal. Tasha collapsed into bed and fell asleep within moments. It was the first time she hadn’t obsessively checked her phone to see whether Charlie had been in touch, or to find out when he had last been active on WhatsApp.
The following morning dawned clear and bright, in crisp autumnal perfection. Josh was busy with a deadline so he went back to his flat to work, leaving Rosie and Tasha free to do whatever took their fancy.
‘How about we go to my gym for a spa day?’ Rosie suggested as they devoured stacks of pancakes an
d blueberry jam for breakfast.
‘Now that sounds like a fabulous idea!’
‘I can give you a guest pass. They have a pretty good café we can get some lunch at too.’
They spent the day ambling from the pool to the Jacuzzi, the steam room to the sauna, chatting and relaxing. Tasha felt some of the tension slowly ebb away from her. She realised she had been living on pure adrenaline for the past month and it felt good to give herself a treat.
That evening they met Josh in the West End to see a show before drinking cocktails at a trendy Soho bar. On Sunday they went for a long walk along the river and Tasha collected a few conkers for Max. She was looking forward to getting back home and seeing them all.
She waited until around five to get back to Havers Street. She hesitated as she stood on the doorstep, key in hand. It suddenly occurred to her that perhaps she should ring the bell. She told herself not to be so stupid and let herself in. It was her own house, after all. She called out and heard a response from down the corridor. The children were all sitting in the kitchen ready for tea. Charlie was serving out a pasta bake. Her heart filled with love as she watched him, and she was overcome with a sense of missing him so strong that it felt completely overwhelming.
‘Don’t get up!’ she called, coming around to kiss them all on the cheeks where they sat. ‘Did you have a lovely weekend?’ she asked. Flora was silent while Max and Bella chatted away to her as they ate their pasta. Tasha pulled up a chair and devoted her attention to them, trying to make up for the time she had lost in being apart. She aimed several questions at Flora, forcing her to talk to her. She had read that it was common for a child to blame one parent, and knew that she needed to do everything she could to help her adjust to their new circumstances as patiently as possible.
‘The pasta looks yummy,’ she said to Charlie.
‘I made enough for your dinner too,’ he said, gesturing over to the serving dish. He had filled a Tupperware container for himself. Her heart wrenched as she thought of him back in an empty flat eating pasta out of a plastic tub later that evening. She thanked him and told him all about Josh and what she had been up to that weekend.
‘Sounds like you had a rather more relaxing weekend than we did!’ He laughed. He looked pretty exhausted. ‘I must say, I now realise just how much you do… It’s hard work looking after you ratbags,’ he said, ruffling Max’s hair as he did so. His tone was light but she could see he meant it. Perhaps it would help him understand how she had been feeling.
‘Yup, I’m not going to argue with that one!’ She laughed. ‘As much as I love you all dearly,’ she added, noticing the three little faces that had lit up with righteous indignation.
Later, as Charlie was leaving, she walked with him to the front door. ‘Anything I should know?’ she asked.
‘Nothing in particular came up. Flora and I had quite a long chat at bedtime, the same questions about us, nothing new. She seems OK.’
‘With you at least.’ Tasha nodded. She didn’t want him to leave. ‘Charlie…’ she said.
He looked at her expectantly, but yet again she couldn’t find the words so instead she smiled.
Then he did something completely unexpected. He put down his bag, pulled her into his arms and hugged her. Tasha’s heart stopped beating for a moment. It felt incredible to be back in his arms, to feel his strong, warm body against hers, to smell his familiar scent. She pressed her cheek into the soft fabric of his jumper, trying to savour every second of his embrace.
All too soon he let go and said goodbye, turning to walk off down the street. She watched him go, lost for words. As she shut the door she allowed herself the briefest smile. Could that have been a good sign? she wondered. Was he missing her? Maybe he would change his mind and give them another chance? She told herself not to get her hopes up, despite wanting nothing more.
Later that evening Tasha sat on the edge of Flora’s bed. ‘Is everything OK?’ she asked.
‘I’m fine,’ Flora replied without lifting her eyes from her book.
‘Are you sure?’
Flora’s eyes filled up with tears.
‘What is it, sweetheart?’
‘I just miss Dad when he’s not here.’
‘I know you do, darling.’
‘I don’t see why he has to go!’ Flora’s cheeks flushed pink with the injustice of it all. ‘What did you do to make him want to leave?’
Tasha’s heart sank. It was just as she suspected. The accusation stung; she worried her daughter could see right through the lies they had spun.
‘I don’t want you to get divorced like Samantha’s parents. I hate you for making him leave!’ Flora burst into angry sobs.
‘I haven’t made him do anything, Flora. I know it’s really difficult for you to understand, and that you feel sad and a bit cross, and I am so, so sorry for that.’
‘Just leave me alone, Mum,’ Flora sobbed, turning to lie on her side facing the wall. ‘I just want to be by myself.’
Tasha sat on the bed for a few moments trying to decide whether she should persist with the conversation, to try and alleviate some of the blame Flora was so clearly apportioning to her. In the end she decided it was probably better to leave her be. ‘OK, darling,’ she said. ‘But, please, try not to worry. Everything will be OK, I promise. We will all get used to things soon, and we still love you… so, so much.’
Tasha went back downstairs and sat on the sofa. The brave face she had been wearing all weekend crumpled away and she burst into tears. She replayed the hug with Charlie over and over in her mind, relishing every second of it. It had been an all too bittersweet reminder of just what she had thrown away.
Chapter Thirty-five
The heavens opened during the second week of September. Leaving the house without every item of clothing becoming immediately water-logged became impossible. Tasha insisted that all the children wear wellies to school and the house was soon filled with damp garments hanging up to dry. The weather suited Tasha’s mood. Try as she might to lift her spirits and look on the bright side, she found it harder than ever with the continuous onslaught of rain. The children were all extremely fractious, having been cooped up at school with no outdoor play, indoor games and no fresh air. She tried to encourage them to go out in the garden in their wet-weather gear but they were less than enthusiastic. To make matters worse Max was continuing to wake, up to several times a night, appearing in Tasha’s room complaining that he couldn’t sleep.
‘I’m sure it’s because of Charlie moving out,’ Tasha said as she took a gulp of red wine. It was Thursday and she was having lunch with Flo after Pilates. ‘He’s much more clingy and wanting to be near me all the time.’
‘It could be that,’ Flo agreed.
‘Last night I caved in and let him sleep in my bed. It’s just so exhausting!’
‘I don’t blame you. I would do the same. How are the girls?’
‘Bella seems OK. Flora is behaving more like a moody teenager than ever.’
Flo laughed. ‘Oh dear. A glimpse of things to come?’
‘God help us!’
‘And how are things with Charlie?’ Flo asked hesitantly.
‘Not too bad considering…’ Tasha didn’t want to go into much detail. ‘He’s still talking to me. He’s been amazing actually.’
‘That’s good. Though it must feel incredibly strange living separately after so long.’
‘It’s horrible. I realise now that I took him completely for granted. Now I’d give anything to have him back, with all the habits that used to drive me up the wall included. It’s awful that it takes something so drastic to make you realise what you had.’
Flo nodded. There was silence for a minute or so until Flo moved the conversation on, telling Tasha about the mind-boggling summer holidays that Mrs Perfect and her family had apparently enjoyed – abseiling in the Alps, amongst other pursuits. Tasha laughed at the thought, grateful for the distraction.
The following day Tasha was ach
ing all over. It had been her first Pilates class in quite a few weeks, having been unable to leave the children over the holidays, and she was feeling the repercussions of her time off. Having dropped the children at school she detoured via Sainsbury’s Local, making a mental list of all the items she had failed to buy in her weekly online shop. As she turned onto Havers Street she clocked Javier coming out of the house and getting on his motorbike. Deliberately slowing her pace, she pulled her mobile out of her pocket, pretending to be in the depths of an interesting conversation so he didn’t try to stop and talk. He zoomed down the road, giving her a cheery wave as he zipped past her. Her heart rate had gone into overdrive. She would do anything to get away from having him so close by. It was not only painfully awkward but also a constant reminder of what she had done. She thought once again about moving to the country, remembering the house near Andrew and Becca’s that they had looked at on the way back to London a few months before. It would have been one thing doing that with Charlie by her side, but quite another moving away all alone; another dream that now lay in tatters.
Having cooked a lamb stew for dinner, she opened her laptop to get some much-needed admin done. As she scrolled through her emails a message from the recruitment company caught her eye. A well-known hedge fund had been let down by a new recruit who was meant to be covering a maternity-leave position. They wanted to know whether Tasha would be interested in the job temping as a PA. The start date would be October 1st. It was worlds away from medicine, but the thought of being in the City appealed to her somehow. It would certainly be completely different.
Tasha stared blankly at the screen for several minutes, made a split-second decision and reached for the telephone to call them before she could change her mind. She explained that she was interested and before she knew it had arranged to go in for an interview the following Monday while the children were at school. Nervous anticipation fluttered in the pit of her stomach at the thought. Part of her wanted to wimp out immediately and cancel the appointment, but a larger part of her was excited about the opportunity. It could be perfect, and if she didn’t like it she could just leave at the end of the maternity cover. No harm done. She probably wouldn’t get the job anyway but it would be good to get the interview practice if nothing else. She tried to quell the critical voice within her that was doing its best to persuade her not to try, saying she wouldn’t be able to cope. Instead she reminded herself of just how capable she was. She was a qualified doctor, for God’s sake. She had always been good at multitasking and had ample experience with the administrative side of general practice.
The Distance Between Us Page 19