Flawed Perfection: A Collection of Winter Wishes

by Ouvrard, Jude

  The moment I had to identify their bodies is one I’ll never forget. They were untouched, not a blemish or scar on them. Exactly how I’d left them, except they’d inhaled too much carbon monoxide, which took them away from me. My solace exists in that they didn’t perish in pain or by fire. They were sleeping. The fire destroyed every room of the apartment… except the one they were in. Unexplainable as it is, something protected my boys from a painful death.

  Fixing myself a bowl of cereal, because at this point it’s all I can manage, I sit on my rocking chair by the window and look outside while the first snowflakes of the season fall from the sky. It’s beautiful, but the sight makes me so cold I may never be able to warm up again.

  Seeking warmth, I change into jogging pants and a hoodie then cover up with a blanket while queueing up a Netflix movie. It occurs to me Mom hasn’t called tonight. She calls to check on me every night out of habit. Perhaps something came up; I’ll call her in the morning.

  The movie hasn’t played for more than twenty minutes when my eyes become too heavy to control. Turning everything off, I go to my room and pass out straightaway. This may be the best moment of my day… when I get to relax in peace.

  Unless I’m faced with a nightmare.

  Chapter 5

  It’s my morning off so I have every intention of taking it easy before heading over to Vanessa’s for dinner. This morning I want crêpes with maple syrup. Crêpes were Brock’s favorite.

  “Mommy, do you think you can make me crêpes before Daddy and I go to Karate?” he asks like clockwork every Saturday morning.

  I never say no. “Of course, little monkey. Do you know why I don’t mind cooking them for you?”

  “No, Mommy. Why?” He watches me with his beautiful blue eyes. His father’s eyes.

  “Because they’re my favorite, too.”

  “Really? Does Daddy like crêpes, too?”

  “He does, but he prefers bacon and eggs.” I roll my eyes, and he starts laughing.

  I never want to forget those little moments. When they were created, they were just a few words, a quick conversation and gesture, but now they are my heart, my gold… what keep me warm.

  My jogging outfit is wrinkled from sleeping in it and my hair’s in a messy morning bun. I couldn’t care less while gripping my coffee cup like it’s my oxygen. The flavor is comforting. Coffee cup in one hand, I use the other to flip a crêpe. What I wouldn’t do to have Brock next to me asking questions, entertaining me. I would give everything I own for a single minute more with him. Hugging him, breathing him in, kissing him, and telling him how much I love him. The thought brings tears to my eyes.

  Once my plate is full I sit at the table, and eat. All alone, yes, but it’s delicious. I could eat two more plates like this one, but it’s time to shower and get my day started.

  A massive fog clouds the bathroom. My skin has turned red from the hot water pouring over me. It feels so good I don’t want to get out. This is one of the things I enjoy most in the morning. Eventually I step out, dry myself, and get dressed without wasting any time. It’s the best way to keep the warmth.

  I’m startled by the doorbell. It must be Mom. I push the button to allow her in the building then unlock the door to let her in. My hair is still wet and I’m trying to remove the tangles with my brush. When I hear footsteps coming down the hall, I open the door, leaving it ajar while I duck back into the bathroom.

  The door latches closed with a soft click.

  “Give me two minutes. I’ll dry my hair fast,” I say from the bathroom. Five minutes later, I come out of the bathroom to find Mason standing by the door. “Jesus Christ, what are you doing here?” He… he is sick. He looks better, though. But… why? Here?

  “You didn’t expect me here, I know. You should always be careful of who you let in, by the way.”

  I nod, speechless. There’s nothing to say. I’m more than surprised.

  “It smells really good in here.”

  “Thanks.” I don’t even think he heard me, my voice low as a whisper.

  “I found your cell phone in my bathroom, at the hotel. I came here to give it back. Don’t worry, I didn’t make any long distance calls.” He laughs, and I join in.

  “You could have turned it in at the reception desk. Saved yourself all this trouble.”

  “I know.”

  “Okay.” I frown, not understanding why he’s come all the way here.

  We’re both standing there looking at each other. Do I look okay? I didn’t check the mirror before leaving the bathroom. I expected Mom… not him. In our cold silence, I question how he found my address. This is getting way too creepy, and a wave of unease runs through me.

  “Where did you get my address? I know the hotel isn’t allowed to give out personal information.” I will have a word with my supervisor if they did. This is not okay.

  “Listen, Adele, we don’t know each other well, but you should probably know I’m Mason Wilcher from—”

  “The Wilcher Hotels.” I blanch. “You’re my boss.”

  “One of them.” Mason doesn’t look comfortable. “I’m not in charge of the employees. I’m a project director in the marketing department. So, I’m your boss, but not really.”

  “That’s why you gave me the day off the first time I saw you.” It all made sense now. “I should have known something was up.” Facing this situation, deep down I feel stupid for not asking more questions before. I never heard about the day off afterward and it wasn’t missing from my paycheck. Why am I so naïve sometimes?

  “Look, I’m sorry. Giving you the day off was the right thing to do at the time. We all have tough days, and I wouldn’t have felt okay letting you work in that state. You needed a break. I gave you one. I did what I had to do for you, and don’t regret it. Now, please…” He stops and pinches his nose. He seems lost, his words battling him while he decides what to say. “Showing up here is overstepping your privacy, I get that.” His eyes lift, meeting mine. “I think I should go, but before I do, I want to thank you for yesterday.”

  Thank me? I almost ran out of his room. “You look better today.”

  “I had a good night of sleep, but now I’m starving. I guess I’ll see you around.” His lips form a thin line. “You should charge your phone, by the way. The battery is low and your mom called twice. Last night and this morning. Don’t worry.” He chuckles. “I didn’t answer the phone.”

  “Do you want crêpes?” I blurt out and my heart goes wild. What if he says yes?

  He smiles, and I match it with mine. “Huh? Are you serious?”

  “They are the best in town, or so they used to say.” Though my heart breaks I keep the brave smile on my face.

  “I would love some.”

  Great. I offer him a seat at the table and pour him a coffee without even asking if he wants one. “How do you want your coffee? Sugar and cream?”

  “Nothing. I’ll take it black, thanks. I need the extra strength after last night.” He laughs, catching my attention. “You know, I’m glad you came in the room yesterday, but I also wish you hadn’t. It’s so embarrassing.”

  “Don’t worry. My concern is that I might have crossed the line. I mean, I’m not sure your wife, or girlfriend, will appreciate you eating breakfast here. I don’t want to give you trouble.” I blush, my palms are sweaty. There is no way I’ve just said that out loud, but I know I did.

  He covers his mouth with a hand to cover another laugh. “Don’t worry. In my case, there is no angry wife or girlfriend waiting at home.”

  Avoiding his eyes, I start getting another batch of crêpe mix together. “Alright.” I take a deep breath wishing I hadn’t assumed that.

  Adding ingredients to the bowl, I start whisking while he’s looking at me. Every fibre of my body knows he is, and the result is a feeling I can’t explain. Setting the heat under the pan, I add some grapeseed oil. Our eyes meet again after I flip the first one up in the air.

  “Excuse me, ma’am. I think you
should be a chef in a renowned restaurant or hotel. Look at you.” He can’t hold back his amusement and his smile warms up the room better than the stove. It’s so pure and warm, like a ray of sun right through an ice cube.

  I’m melting. “No, really. It’s the only thing I can cook well. You’re just lucky.”

  “That I am.”

  Okay. Take it as a compliment, Adele.

  Once I’m done, I bring him a full plate of delicious crêpes with some of my favorite maple syrup and sit with him, across the table. Sipping on my cup of coffee, I watch him take his first bite while I cross my fingers under the table. It will be terrible if he doesn’t like them.

  He closes his eyes. “Mmm. This is delicious. What’s your secret ingredient?”

  “It wouldn’t be a secret if I told you.” I feel the heat on my face again. This is unreal.

  “Well, ‘they’ were right. These are the best I’ve ever had.”

  I don’t have anything to add to that. I’m without words and downright startled by my surprise guest this morning. I would have never invited him home, but the fact that he showed up unannounced is taking me out of my comfort zone. Maybe that’s a good thing.

  “Brock loved sweets just as much as I did. Sometimes he liked to have strawberries and Nutella on his portion. I have to admit, I love chocolate, too.” It’s not a habit for me to open up about my son, but he already knows, so why not? “He was a very energetic little boy who added so much life in the house. Now, it’s different, to say the least.”

  He drinks the last of his coffee, and I see sadness in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I can’t even guess the pain you must be going through. I don’t have any kids. I’m thirty-five and I’ve never settled down with anyone. All my life I’ve travelled from hotel to hotel, meeting to meeting. I woke up one day in my mid-thirties with nothing but a nice empty house and a car. All the material things a person could want, but nothing which meant anything. To have known being part of a family, and then lose it all but keep living… to me, that shows how strong of a person you are. You’re working and making ends meet. You’re functioning, continuing on with your life and trying to reach a certain level of happiness.”

  “It’s not easy, it’s a constant fight.”

  “But you’re still fighting. You haven’t given up.”

  Mason has a point. “I am still fighting,” I try to say with confidence.

  “I admire that about you.”

  “Thank you.” My smile is wistful. “Are you done?” I stretch my arm to get his plate.

  “I am, and I think you should drop your phone in my room more often if it means I’ll get to eat more of those.” He starts laughing again and I can’t stop myself from joining him.

  Getting up from my seat, I bring his plate to the sink and clean it right away. “Do you have any plans for the day?” I call over my shoulder.

  “Are you asking me out?” He rises from his chair and carries his empty coffee cup in my direction.

  I bite on my lips to stop myself from laughing again. That isn’t what I’m doing, I think. Am I asking him out?

  “I don’t have plans except meeting with my real estate agent later this afternoon.”

  “Ah. I have a dinner at my friend’s house.” Curious about the house hunting, I ask, “Are you moving here permanently?”

  “I’m still undecided between Seattle, New York City, and Aspen.”

  “Seattle is great I’ve heard.” I love my city. There are so many outdoor activities, and all my memories are here.

  “I have good reasons to look into it more specifically now.” His head angled to the side, he watches me, a playful glimmer in his eye. “I do love New York, though. It’s a crazy city, but it has a lot to offer.”

  “I’ve never been, but I’d like to go someday.”

  “Everybody should go to New York at least once in their life. Paris and London, too.”

  “Sounds like you’ve travelled a lot. You’re lucky. I should try to save up for things like that.” They say travelling is good for soul searching. It’s refreshing. “I’ve only been to Vancouver, in Canada, once.” Travelling has always been a dream of mine, but it never happened with our tight finances.

  “Well, I won’t lie. What I gathered travelling the world was better than what I got from the years spent at University. I’ve learned so much and met so many people, you know?”

  “Yeah.” I nod, already planning to open a savings account.

  He steps closer to me, and I don’t know what to do with myself. “Do you want to go outside and take a walk or something?”

  Think fast, Adele, fast. “I need to stop at the bakery, so, yes, that’s a good idea.” My voice is so cold. I almost sound scared. “Is it cold outside?”

  “It’s not that bad. A jacket with a scarf should be fine.”

  Nodding again, I walk to the closet by the front door and pick out my warmest jacket along with my wool scarf. “I hate the cold.”

  “If you hate the cold so much then maybe taking a walk outside isn’t such a good idea.”

  “Fresh air will be good, though.” And so will the exercise.

  Zipping up his jacket, he opens the door to my apartment then lets me go first. Gallantry is good. He closes the door behind him and I lock it with my key.

  Walking together, our arms touch more often than not. The tip of my fingers and nose are cold even with the sun shining through the clouds. Today is a beautiful day. Not just because of the weather. I feel… alive.

  “I need to do this more often. Walking, spending time outside. I used to do this on a daily basis… before. Maybe it will help me get rid of the muffin top. I’m thinking out loud, aren’t I?” Why do I act in a different way around him? A part of me wants to share about who I am now, and who I was. I want him to get to know me better. It’s weird.

  “There’s nothing wrong with your body, if that’s what you’re referring to, but any physical activity inside or outside is always good for your body and mind.”

  “I’ve been a hermit ever since… well, you know. I just… I couldn’t—”

  “Hey.” Grabbing my hand, Mason stops walking. “Adele,” he says my name in a soft voice. “Don’t apologize or feel bad about your life in the last few months. If you feel better up here and here,” he touches his temple and heart, “…the rest will follow. Don’t find excuses for not taking a break. Build back up your soul and serenity.”

  We’re eye to eye when his thumbs brush away the tears under my eyes.

  “Thank you for making me feel like I’m doing something right. I tend to get lost between where I think I should be, and where I really am.” I try to get my emotions together. “I’ve just met you and yet, I’ve shared so much about myself.”

  Grinning, but not daring looking at me, it takes seconds before Mason says something. “I’m glad that you’re sharing. You are a beautiful woman, Adele. I won’t lie to you… I want to get to know you.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course, really.” The honesty in his answer and in the tone of his voice convince me. “You’re an attractive person. I thought that the first time I met you, and yesterday confirmed it. I’m not stupid enough to ignore that my showing up at your door was a risky, bold move, but I had to find a way to see you again.” Extending his arm toward me, Mason tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear. “It’s all I had.”

  “You aren’t bad yourself.” I know there’s a “but” coming and I’m trying to avoid that. Please don’t say it, Mason.

  “But?”

  I knew it.

  “I don’t think I’m ready to move on. Being in a relationship with another man...” I close my eyes while the idea sinks in. “In fact, I have no idea since it’s never crossed my mind before now.”

  “I’m not good with these things, but what do you say we just hang out for a while, get to know each other more? I’m a busy man, as you might have guessed, and I think adding pressure to whatever this is, won’t do us any good. Let
’s take it easy for a while, and then when, and if, we feel more is needed, we’ll talk about it.”

  “Deal.” A friendship with a man. I would have never thought of it, but I’m willing to try. What do I have to lose? Nothing.

  “Good.” He smiles. “How’s the job at the hotel anyway? Are you happy?”

  We’re walking again but I stop when it dawns on me why I all of a sudden got a raise.

  “Is something wrong?” He furrows his brow while looking in my direction.

  “Yes, I think there is.” Such a change of mood in a short time shocks me. “Yesterday, I got a raise. Are you behind that? Did you do something, because if you did, I don’t want any of it.”

  “Wow, wait. Hold on a second, Adele.” Panic rings out in his voice. “I did suggest someone review the hard work you’ve been putting in at the hotel. Nobody does the job as well as you, and I thought it deserved recognition.”

  “Look, Mason, this doesn’t sit well with me. Working at the hotel is the first job I’ve had since I had a baby. I work hard because I have to. It’s only me I can depend on. I’m not better than anyone, and don’t deserve any special treatment. I also can’t afford to lose this job because of special treatment.”

  “I assure you, no one else does what you do. You’ve cleaned my room more often than you know. You always fold my clothes, and put my toothbrush in its place. You make sure I have bottles of water, clean towels… there’s never a single inch of dust. I even moved the Bible once to test you, and you placed it back in the drawer of my nightstand. My shampoo and shower gel bottles are always aligned when you see to my room.”

  I want to laugh because everything he’s said is true. “Okay, I get it.”

  “So, you understand I didn’t do this just for the whim of it? You deserve it. Please, take it.”