Dark Heart Forever

by Lee Monroe

  We’d driven out a few miles to this pool hall. It was mostly men, boys. A few girlfriends stood around, looking bored and swigging at bottles of Bacardi Breezer or whatever, dressed up to the nines on a Saturday night. I’d spent two hours hurling my dismal clothing around my bedroom. Eventually I’d cut the sleeves off an old tight black T-shirt and turned it into a mini-skirt over black tights and newly washed white Converse plimsolls. Then I’d ironed a white cotton shirt and put that on top. I washed my hair and let it dry in big glossy curls. Looking in the mirror, I was relieved to see that I didn’t look a complete mess. At least my legs were long and the shirt disguised my burgeoning chest. The last thing I wanted was to look like I was showing off my body. I didn’t like it enough to do that.

  ‘You look great,’ Evan had said, when I’d arrived to meet him five minutes early. Amazingly my mother had been pleased I was going out. With a boy. Dot had obviously convinced her he wasn’t an axe-murderer and when I’d finally got the courage to tell her and Dad I had ‘a sort-of date’ she’d not batted an eyelid. Dad had muttered something about the years flying faster than a rat out of a trap. But Mum had shushed him, telling him he should be glad I was just doing what all sixteen-year-olds do.

  She’d insisted on giving me a lift in her car as far as the main street, leaving too much time to get there of course. I was pretty sure she’d spy on us for a while before driving off again. But I was too grateful for her good mood to mind if she did. It made a nice change from the gloom and doom she’d be spreading lately.

  ‘It’s good to see you have legs,’ she said, giving one of them a pat. ‘Great legs, too.’ She’d smiled wistfully. ‘Your grandmother had a great pair of pins.’

  ‘You think there’s too much leg?’ I said, worried, pulling down my skirt.

  ‘At your age, there’s no such thing.’ She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. ‘Have fun. And tell this Evan we’d like to meet him sometime.’

  ‘Mother.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Are you trying to get rid of him already? ’Cause he’s kind of got a history of running away.’

  She laughed. ‘I’m sure that’s all behind him now.’

  We had pulled up just behind the main road, in accordance with my specific instructions.

  ‘Go on. And I’ll see you back home by eleven. OK?’

  ‘OK.’ I opened the car door, nerves gripping my stomach. ‘But don’t be surprised if I’m back in half an hour.’

  As I shut the door, I left Mum shaking her head, smiling, waiting a bit before she started the engine. I wished I shared her confidence about the evening. Honestly. I was terrified.

  And sitting curled up on the leather sofa, looking at these other girls, I felt immature and clueless. What the hell does he see in me? I thought, watching as Evan joked with the barman and collected our drinks.

  He smiled as he came over and handed me a drink. Sitting back with his legs apart, he took a mouthful of beer and then turned to me.

  ‘I’m not much of a people person either,’ he said, quietly. ‘I spent a lot of my childhood in Australia messing about by myself on the beach, playing alone.’ He drummed his bottle with one finger. ‘I never felt like I connected with anyone.’

  ‘Like an outsider?’ I took a drink. ‘Like everyone else was in on some private joke and you didn’t get it?’

  He laughed. ‘Something like that.’ He scrunched up his eyes, thinking. ‘My mother was always on at me to get out and play football, hang out with people I went to school with. But the things they talked about … didn’t interest me. I sometimes felt I had more in common with our dog than boys my age.’

  ‘Oh me too.’ I leaned my head back. ‘I still feel like that … Well, I did.’ I looked across at him.

  ‘So, what happened?’ I said boldly. ‘Why did you run away?’

  For a split second his expression was sharp, defensive.

  ‘Stuff,’ he said, putting the bottle to his lips. ‘I just felt trapped. There were places I wanted to go … It was complicated.’ He looked awkward. ‘Let’s just say I had to get away. I wasn’t getting on too well with my mum.’ He shrugged. ‘I could have handled it better, I guess …’

  ‘I can understand,’ I said, though the explanation seemed a bit flimsy to me. He obviously didn’t want to tell me the whole story.

  Evan rolled the beer bottle in his palms, more animated now.

  ‘When I was fifteen, I looked on a map of the world, and I saw it all out there.’ He sat forward. ‘And I thought, there are so many different kinds of people, and cultures, and beliefs in all these countries.’ He looked across at me. ‘It’s like you can be whatever you want, wherever you happen to be, make up your own story.’

  I said nothing for a minute, thinking. ‘You mean, write your own life script?’

  ‘I guess.’ He smiled at my thoughtful expression and then leaned back in his seat.

  ‘When did your parents split up?’ I asked, feeling more confident.

  I watched him shut down a little again, his lips pressing together firmly. ‘When I was five,’ he said, without emotion. ‘He’s remarried now. She’s in between relationships.’ His tone told me he wasn’t willing to elaborate on that.

  ‘Oh.’ My eyes darted about the room, trying to find inspiration to change the subject and failing. I felt him watching me as he took another swig of beer.

  ‘And what about you, Jane?’ he said finally.

  ‘What about me?’ I pulled my skirt down self-consciously.

  ‘Am I allowed to ask why you gave up school?’

  I had expected the question and had decided I would tell the truth, leaving out some of the more pathetic details. ‘I didn’t get on with the other kids.’ I scratched at my glass Coke bottle. ‘One in particular …’ I stopped, remembering that time in my life, recalling Sarah’s pinched, mean face, as she stood blocking the toilet door one day at break-time, watching coldly as I scrabbled around on the cubicle floor, trying to rescue my recently flushed belongings. Her two minions, Jennifer Gibson and Mariella Hoult, had formed a blockade. When I’d tried to push my way past them and out of the girls’ toilets, Mariella’s heel had ground into my foot.

  ‘Where d’you think you’re going, bitch?’ Sarah had snarled. ‘Did I say you could leave?’ She’d grabbed my bag and upturned it again. I’d watched helplessly, knowing this, or something like it, was going to happen the next day and the day after that.

  ‘Girls can be vicious.’ Evan interrupted my thoughts. He coughed quickly. ‘I mean, I assume it was a girl?’

  I nodded, exhaling loudly. ‘Well, she had the face and body of a girl.’ I put the Coke bottle to my lips and then pulled it away again, adding, ‘But she was more like a monster.’

  He laughed softly, picking at the label on his bottle. ‘She made your life hell, then,’ he said, looking down, ‘this monster?’

  ‘Yep. Every single day, there was always something. Some way in which I had to be punished.’

  ‘She was jealous,’ he said looking across at me. ‘Obviously.’

  Heat flooded my cheeks. ‘Obviously.’ I smirked to cover my embarrassment.

  ‘She did quite a job on you, hey?’ Evan held eye contact. ‘You really believe you’re a freak?’

  I prickled at the sound of that word, one I hadn’t yet used with him. It was as though he had read my mind. I wasn’t sure whether this made me feel comforted or exposed.

  I smiled weakly, suddenly feeling I was saying too much, to someone I hardly knew. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. Or for a boy like him telling me these things about myself. It was all too fast.

  ‘You OK? Jane?’

  ‘I need to go home,’ I said quickly, putting my bottle down on the table in front of us. ‘I’ve had a great time, but …’ I paused. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Evan jumped to his feet. ‘Of course,’ he said kindly. ‘Whatever you want.’

  As we drove back, I sat, silently as usual, hating myself for not handling the evening as I’d
wanted to. Evan turned the radio on to some country music station. It soothed me. Country music is all about stories. I concentrated on Dolly Parton bemoaning her rival Jolene and looked straight ahead of me. I’d ruined the night because I was a lonely freak who couldn’t get over Sarah Emerson and didn’t trust anyone outside of my family. I closed my eyes, thinking that maybe that wasn’t quite true. After what had happened the night of the accident, I trusted Luca. But could I really trust someone I didn’t know?

  I came out of my thoughts, guiltily. It was Evan sitting next to me, not Luca. One outlandish situation at a time, I told myself. Just be in the moment, Jane.

  The sound of Evan clearing his throat brought me back down to earth.

  ‘I wish I’d known you back then,’ he said out of the blue, changing gear. ‘I’d have put that little witch in her place.’

  I sighed. ‘It’s done now.’ I shifted in my seat. ‘I just want to forget about her.’

  ‘Makes me mad,’ he went on, as though he hadn’t heard me. ‘How people get away with hurting others like that.’

  I looked over at him, his face taut as he drove. ‘Well maybe they don’t in the end,’ I told him. ‘Maybe things even out?’

  ‘Hope so.’ He chewed his lip then, realising I was staring at him, relaxed his face and smiled at me.

  ‘You hungry? We could get a burger or something?’ We were approaching Fabio’s, where the lights were on. On Saturday nights, Eileen stayed open later than usual. I spotted her through the windows, laughing with a customer by the bar.

  I realised I was starving. ‘Can we stop here?’ I said, needing to be somewhere familiar and friendly. ‘Eileen does a mean cheeseburger and fries.’

  ‘Sure.’ Evan slowed down and looked for somewhere to park. ‘Whatever you want.’

  I smiled. How many times had he said that? Whatever you want. He was a truly nice person. I felt bad for feeling uncomfortable. Evan was on my side.

  ‘Just prepare yourself for an almighty fuss,’ I warned him, gesturing at Eileen. ‘We’re going to be a big news item in there. Eileen’s usual clientele is a bunch of geriatrics and bored, loner teenagers buying their little sister milkshakes.’

  ‘Hey,’ said Evan, nudging my arm and grinning as he locked up his car. ‘I’m going to make sure you’re never bored … or lonely while I’m around. OK?’

  I laughed, glad that the evening had turned around. ‘OK.’ I even linked my arm through his, and as we walked into Fabio’s I met Eileen’s delighted expression with one of my own.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  My mother was all smiles the next day, humming as she cooked us bacon and eggs. My dad, still wearing his neck brace, turned the Sunday paper slowly, occasionally looking over the top to regard his wife.

  Mum doled out food and put a heap of fried bread in the centre of the table. Dot, Dad and I exchanged a look.

  ‘You’re encouraging us to eat saturated fat? Mother, are you feeling OK?’

  She grinned, picking up her knife and fork. ‘I just thought we deserved a treat today,’ she said, taking a bit of bread. ‘It’s been an upsetting time lately … But things are looking up.’ She beamed at me.

  ‘She’s happy you’ve made a friend,’ said Dot astutely. ‘A special friend.’

  ‘He’s just a boy and it was just an evening. No big deal.’

  Mum and Dot smiled at each other.

  ‘Well, we’d like to check him out, wouldn’t we, Jack?’ Mum turned to my father. ‘Make sure he’s good enough.’

  ‘Have we gone back in time to the nineteen-fifties or something?’ I forked up a piece of bacon. ‘Should he have asked Dad’s permission first?’

  ‘That would have been nice,’ my father said, and finally put down the paper, giving me a little wink. ‘But probably too much to ask in this day and age.’

  ‘Well, maybe some other time … ?’ Mum sipped her tea. ‘We could have him over for lunch?’

  ‘We’ll see,’ I said, vowing to put that off as long as possible. ‘I’m going for a walk after breakfast. Have you seen my parka? It’s freezing out there.’

  ‘That thing’s too small for you.’ Mum shook her head. ‘But it’s in the spare room. I was going to give it to Dot.’

  I ate half my egg, then pushed my plate away. ‘OK if I go now? I need some fresh air.’

  Mum started to look disapproving but checked herself. ‘Fine, but don’t be too long. You haven’t finished the homework I set you last week yet.’

  ‘I’ll be back in an hour or two and then I’ll get right down to it.’

  It was truly freezing as I stepped outside. Gazing up at the sky I remembered the nearly-full moon the night before and how serene it had looked. Tonight it would be full.

  I whistled for Bobby, who was mooching around outside Dad’s shed, and slipped the lead around his neck. He rubbed his soft ears against my legs.

  ‘I wish I had your coat,’ I told him, stroking his back. ‘Where shall we go?’

  Bobby looked at me, big-eyed and indecisive.

  ‘Up the hill a bit?’ I suggested. ‘Up to “no-man’s land”?’

  Bobby barked, which I took as agreement, and we set off, soon finding ourselves negotiating the thickset trees where no path existed. It was a beautiful, bright day and I felt light and, for once, uncomplicated as we climbed. Thinking of Evan’s easy banter as we’d sat eating in Fabio’s the night before, making Eileen laugh and keeping Mr Garry, who was at least eighty and usually most unimpressable, impressed with his tales of teaching surfing on the Gold Coast last summer. It was a life of sun and good times that bore no resemblance to my upbringing here in this endless cold, and I couldn’t really relate. But I like a good story, and Evan was a good storyteller.

  Suddenly Bobby stopped. Stiffening, he backtracked, ending up caught against a stubborn tree trunk.

  ‘What’s the matter, boy?’ I bent to cuddle him, looking ahead of us to see what was there. At first there was nothing, but then I made out something behind a couple of trees. A dark shape. Hiding.

  I caught my breath, still stroking Bobby.

  ‘Who’s there?’ I asked, sounding more confident than I felt.

  The shape moved and a face appeared around the trunk of one of the trees.

  ‘Luca?’ I stood up, relieved, and then looked down at Bobby, who was shaking and snarling at the same time.

  Luca moved so that he was completely exposed. I saw him give a pleading, friendly look at the dog, who ignored it, barking ferociously instead.

  ‘Bobby, shush.’ I kneeled again, putting both arms around the quivering animal. ‘Luca’s nice. He won’t hurt you.’

  But Bobby was trying to break free, thrashing about as I struggled to hold on to him. I’d never seen him like this before.

  ‘Take him home.’ Luca’s voice was firm. ‘He’s frightened.’

  I noticed then that he had backed right away.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ I said, still trying to control the dog. ‘Are you OK?’

  Bobby continued to attempt to escape from my grip. His body moved powerfully and I struggled to hold him as his jaws snapped angrily, turning his gentle face wild, predatory.

  ‘Bobby!’ I felt the strength in my arms fade as his body strained against them.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Luca said breathlessly. ‘I didn’t think—’

  Suddenly Bobby reared up, snapping viciously into the air, and I gasped.

  ‘Run, Jane …’ Luca backed away, his face grimacing as he did so. Suddenly he lurched forward, gasping as though in pain.

  ‘Luca!’ I watched his hands flex and unflex uncontrollably.

  ‘Please.’ He shook, and his eyes had grown much bigger, the green turning darker and wild. ‘Just leave me!’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Go!’ he screamed then, and dropped to the ground.

  I looked down at the dog, whose snarl was weaker, curious now, as well as afraid.

  I grabbed his lead and yanked him back.

 
; ‘Come on, boy,’ I panted and pulled the terrified animal with me, relieved when Bobby finally cooperated and we began moving. Then I was aware only of the adrenaline pumping through my veins, and of me running faster than I’d ever done in my life. Running down through the dense wood, which tore at my clothes as I moved. Running until we got back down to Dad’s shed.

  We reached the back of the house and as I bent over, out of breath, I watched Bobby rush in through the open back door before I looked up to where we had been.

  ‘Who are you?’ I whispered up at the woods.

  Still panting I walked slowly, treading as lightly as I could, away from the house, back towards Luca. But the sound that pierced the air stopped me in my tracks.

  A cry, sad and low, coming from high above.

  And then, once again, I felt no fear, only a pull to the boy in pain.

  Take me back to him, I heard a voice inside my head say. He’s in trouble. Take me back.

  And then everything went black.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Luca said, rubbing my shoulders fiercely. ‘Jane, I’m so sorry.’ He sat back as I blinked up at him. Slowly my eyes took in my surroundings. We were sitting under some tall, thick trees, like oaks, soft green grass beneath us. To my left, a wide, clear river babbled soothingly. I was shaking, sitting up and trying to hug myself.

  ‘Where are we?’ I asked.

  ‘Nissilum,’ said Luca, watching my face. ‘My home.’

  ‘I don’t remember getting here.’

  Luca turned to sit beside me and rubbed his eyes. ‘You will remember, gradually. Something I’m not looking forward to.’

  ‘Why, what happened?’ I frowned. A memory was edging in. The woods, Bobby was there … and Luca. I concentrated but nothing else was coming.

  He fidgeted next to me. I noticed the colour in his face for the first time. He looked well. Healthy. I realised that it was warm here and I was beginning to bake in my coat. I shrugged it off.