Dark Heart Forever

by Lee Monroe

‘Evan,’ I breathed, pulling away slightly in token resistance, when not one part of me wanted him to stop.

  He held my gaze as he carried on doing what he was doing, pulling my face towards his with one firm movement and kissing me again, harder. My body was way ahead of my mind, it was giving my feeble brain instructions it had no choice but to obey and I kissed him back, just as forcefully. Before I knew it, my T-shirt was over my head and he was kissing my stomach. I lay back, knowing I should find the strength to stop it, when he looked up.

  ‘Is this OK?’ he asked softly. ‘Tell me if you want me to stop.’

  I nodded, reassured by his words. This wasn’t like when we’d gone camping.

  ‘Jane!’ My mother’s voice rang out from the landing, totally ruining the moment. ‘Enough time in the bedroom. Evan should be on his way home.’

  I sighed and rolled my eyes at him, and he made a disappointed puppy-dog face in return. He brushed his hair back with his hand, then levered himself on to his knees and began fastening the buttons on his shirt.

  I looked down at my practically naked top half, relieved to see that my bra was still covering me – just about – and automatically wrapped my arms around my chest for good measure.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, meaning it. ‘My mother has obviously had us on a timer today …’

  ‘It’s fine.’ Evan got off the bed and gestured for me to do the same. I put my T-shirt back on and joined him and he put his arms around me, nuzzling my neck with his face.

  ‘I love you, Jane,’ his voice said, muffled, and as I wondered awkwardly how to respond, he lifted his head and put a finger to my lips. ‘You don’t have to say anything back,’ he told me, smiling. ‘I just wanted to let you know.’

  All of a sudden I felt ridiculous for being so hung up on Luca. Evan was just perfect in every way.

  ‘Thanks, Evan,’ I said softly. ‘That’s good to know.’ I reached over to do up another button on his shirt.

  But I couldn’t say it back. I guess my heart wasn’t completely there.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  May Day found me standing with my parents on Bale’s minuscule village green watching Dot, hand in hand with Cassidy, skipping around a maypole.

  ‘This place is stuck in a time warp,’ I said wryly, restraining the dog, who was anxious to join in. ‘I swear I just spotted Tess of the D’Urbervilles over by the cake tent.’

  My mother dug me in the arm with her elbow. ‘Stop it. It’s charming.’

  ‘I suppose so.’ I waved limply at Dot, who was loving the attention. ‘In a nauseating kind of way.’

  Ten little girls, dressed in frilly white frocks and their best shoes, giggled and shrieked, tossing ribbons around their heads as the accordion player upped the tempo. It was too much for Bobby, who began barking jealously.

  ‘Go and take the dog somewhere else,’ Mum said out of the corner of her mouth, managing to smile at her youngest daughter at the same time.

  ‘Oh,’ I said, mock-disappointed. ‘But I’m having so much fun.’

  She turned, rolling her eyes. ‘Oh go away, spoilsport. Go and find something miserable to do.’

  I sighed, tugging Bobby away. ‘See you back home, then. After Dot has thrown up from all the excitement.’

  I rubbed the dog’s ears and wandered over to a stall selling homemade cider. My dad’s friend, Ted, lifted his hat in greeting and held out a tray bearing miniature shot glasses.

  ‘Sample some cider?’ he said, winking before lowering his voice. ‘I won’t tell your dad.’

  ‘Thanks, Ted.’ I smiled, shaking my head. ‘It’s seriously tempting but I’d better not.’

  ‘Whatever happened to teenage rebellion!’ He emptied the contents of a glass into his mouth. ‘Lightweights, the lot of you. Have a little fun once in a while, why don’t you?’

  I grinned, moving on. He was right, I should have a little fun, and as I rounded the green, passing by the jam tent and then some women assembling the raffle prizes, I wondered if Evan was here. He said he’d come along, though a quaint village fête was hardly his thing.

  I stopped and watched a bunch of boys kicking a football around, shouting at each other, and then checked my watch. Half past three. The rest of the afternoon stretched in front of me.

  ‘Want some heather?’ said a light, familiar voice. ‘It will bring you luck.’

  I turned, my skin prickling, to see long, dark hair, plaited loosely, and large dark eyes, staring up at me.

  ‘Dalya,’ I breathed, taking in her girlish ensemble of a floral dress with small white collar and a neat knitted shawl. ‘What on earth are you doing here?’

  ‘Quiet,’ she whispered as Bobby began growling. She placed one palm on his head and the motion quietened him. She obviously had a way with her distant relatives that had evaded Luca. ‘I am a stranger, Miss.’ Her eyes danced with mischief as she held out the foil-wrapped heather. ‘One of your mortal pounds,’ she said, smiling. ‘And no pennies at all.’

  My lips twitched and I just stopped myself from touching her. Her resemblance to her brother was comforting. I dug out a pound from my back pocket and handed it over.

  ‘Thank you, Miss,’ she said meekly, staring curiously at the coin before looking up at me. ‘I can show you where the heather grows, if you like.’ She stared around us, smiling sweetly at a middle-aged couple who were walking by. ‘You can pick your own luck.’ As her head swivelled back, I wondered at her meaning. But before I could work it out, she gently touched my arm. ‘It’s not far.’

  I looked down at the dog, who had settled himself in a heap on the ground, uncharacteristically passive. ‘What have you done to the dog?’ I said cautiously. ‘He looks like he’d been drugged.’

  ‘Just a little sorcery,’ she said, looking pleased with herself. ‘He’ll be a bit floppy for a while before it wears off.’ She turned her face up to the sky. ‘In about an hour of your mortal time.’ She dropped her head, noticing my anxious expression. ‘Don’t worry. It’s really quite harmless.’ She nodded quickly and turned to make her way off the green while I followed her.

  Dalya seemed to know exactly where she was going and before long we were away from the crowds, heading for the deserted streets. She moved stealthily, elegantly, finally coming to the base of the mountain, where she stopped.

  ‘Why have you come?’ I asked, breathless from keeping up with her.

  She studied me seriously, then said, ‘Luca is in confinement. Lowe has told our parents everything … Luca is unhappy.’

  ‘I’m sorry. This is my fault. I should never—’

  ‘Luca has a mind of his own,’ she interrupted me firmly. ‘He is also sensitive.’

  ‘I know that.’ I smiled sadly.

  She sighed deeply. ‘I don’t want Luca to be hurt. He will follow his heart … if he is able to … And it’s dangerous. But …’ She paused. ‘He is concerned for you.’

  ‘I know … But there is no need.’ I looked around us. ‘I am safe. This is not Nissilum. I have the freedom to make my own choices … Be with who I want. Extricate myself if I want. There is nothing to worry about.’

  ‘You don’t understand.’ She held my gaze. ‘He has a sixth sense.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, starting to feel irritated again. ‘He told me about his premonitions.’

  Dalya’s eyes narrowed. ‘You don’t take them seriously, though,’ she said. ‘You don’t take him seriously.’

  ‘Of course I do. But … Luca was not specific. Whether he knows it or not, I think he has his own agenda as far as Evan is concerned.’

  She put her hands on her hips. ‘That may be … But he is not a liar. He is a good, honest person. He wants to protect you.’

  ‘So, what should I be doing?’ I raised an eyebrow at her.

  ‘Keep away from him.’ Her tone was final, her face expressionless. ‘Stop seeing him.’

  Irritation flared up again. ‘Listen, Evan is here, he doesn’t live in a remote, parallel world. He wants to b
e with me, and he can be. There is no unhappy ending here.’

  It sounded good. It sounded convincing enough.

  She shook her head. ‘You haven’t noticed anything … odd about Evan?’

  ‘No!’ I glared at her. ‘And if you think there is something “odd”, then tell me. Tell me what I should be frightened of.’

  ‘I can’t tell you that. Luca has a feeling … a strong feeling.’

  ‘Sorry.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Not good enough.’

  Dalya paused. ‘Very well then. Do what you want. I risked punishment to come here. But I see you are stubborn—’

  ‘I’m not stubborn,’ I said indignantly. ‘I just—’

  ‘It’s fine.’ She pulled her shawl over her shoulders. ‘I have said what I came to say. And now I must go.’

  She pushed past me, walking slowly to the trees that marked the beginning of the ascent up the hill. As she reached the small wood, she turned, smiling sadly back at me.

  ‘I wish you luck,’ she called. ‘Believe me, you will need it.’ And then she moved into the trees and I lost sight of her.

  I stood for a while, staring. Feeling scared all of a sudden. It had to mean something that Dalya had risked so much to come here and warn me, but I still couldn’t believe or trust that Luca’s motives were anything but self-serving. It would be very convenient if Evan was bad for me.

  I got back to the house, finally. I had sat for hours, watching the clump of trees where Dalya had disappeared, experiencing regret for being so short with her, so disbelieving. I turned everything over in my head. Why did the thought of Luca being right make me feel angry and defensive? If I didn’t believe him – if I really thought it was nonsense – then why had it riled me like it did?

  Because I wasn’t sure. I had heard everything Evan had to say about his past, and it explained a lot, but there was something … something I couldn’t put my finger on, that wasn’t quite right.

  So I stayed, sitting on the grass as it grew damp with dew beneath me, staring at some unremarkable trees as though they would untangle my thoughts and create a solution.

  Eventually the moon’s gauziness turned to opaque white and the sky surrounding it darkened. I got to my feet, rubbing the goosebumps on my arms, and I ran up the hill, up the track, arriving at our back door, feeling comforted by the light on in the kitchen, and the figure of my mother washing dishes in the sink. She looked out of the window at the sound of my tread and I smiled at her, glad to be home. But she didn’t smile; she seemed to look through me.

  I felt a lurch in my chest. Sensed something was wrong.

  I took off my shoes in the hall and shut the back door. The television was on in the living room – a talent show – and I heard Dot laughing at what my dad was saying. Something smelled good and I realised I was starving.

  ‘What’s for dinner?’ I said, walking through into the kitchen. Mum had her back to me, but I noticed where her eyes were looking – in the reflection in the window. Straight at me.

  ‘Mum?’ I put one hand on the back of the kitchen chair. ‘What’s the matter?’

  She didn’t answer, but she took her hands out of the sink and wiped them on a tea towel. And then she turned, putting her hands behind her as she leaned back against the sink.

  ‘Where have you been?’ she said quietly.

  ‘Nowhere,’ I said, watching her. ‘Well … nowhere in particular. Just walking, you know. How was—’

  ‘You’ve been there,’ she cut in abruptly. ‘My God. Why didn’t I know this was going to happen … ?’ She dropped her head then, looking down at the floor. ‘I mean, there is no reason why … But they told me it was unfinished, that it wasn’t over.’

  ‘Who?’ I frowned as though confused, but my grip on the chair tightened. ‘What’s unfinished?’

  ‘Stop being obtuse.’ She looked straight into my eyes. ‘Pretending.’ She shook her head. ‘You’ve been pretending for months, I see now.’

  I opened my mouth, but words refused to come. I stood, waiting for her to say something else. But she just watched me. Her eyes boring into my soul, or that’s what it felt like. I always thought that was a stupid, meaningless expression. Until that moment.

  ‘Mum, you’re freaking me out. What are you talking about?’

  ‘It’s happening to you …’ she faltered. ‘It happened to me, too. I had the dreams, I had the longing. And out of nowhere I suddenly had everything I wanted.’

  My eyes widened. ‘Wait a minute … Are you—’

  ‘Nissilum.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve been there, too.’

  I sat down with a thump on the kitchen chair.

  ‘Oh my God,’ I said, putting my hands up to my face. ‘It’s almost a relief …’ I looked up at her. ‘I had these dreams. So intense. Every night. Just before my birthday …’

  She sucked in her breath, sharply, fearfully, but she didn’t speak.

  ‘And this boy …’ I went on.

  ‘Who?’ she said sharply. ‘Which boy?’

  ‘He’s … he’s called Luca. He’s … I don’t know where to begin … He’s like my best friend.’

  She nodded. ‘Yes. But what is he?’

  ‘A … well, he’s part human … part wolf,’ I said, feeling stupidly ridiculous.

  She shut her eyes. ‘I fell in love with someone on Nissilum,’ she told me. ‘Utterly and completely. I have never felt so happy, and so ill, at the same time.’

  Suddenly something fell into place.

  ‘You wrote a journal,’ I whispered.

  ‘The one hidden in your chest of drawers,’ she said. ‘Yes.’

  I felt like everything was closing in on me.

  Mum moved closer and pulled out a chair next to me. Her face was strained. And something else clicked inside me.

  ‘Gabriel,’ I said in shock, as the truth struck home. ‘It was Gabriel you fell in love with.’

  I saw pain in her face. Her eyes clouding over with memory.

  ‘So many years ago …’ she said tearfully. ‘It all came back when I read what I’d written. So intense. So painful …’

  ‘Mum.’ I took a step closer. ‘It’s OK.’

  Her head snapped upright and this time her expression was clear defiance.

  ‘You have no idea,’ she said curtly, her eyes scanning my face. ‘I knew this would come back to get me. I knew there would be consequences.’

  I shut my eyes quickly then opened them again. ‘OK.’ I tried to sound together, calm. Inside I was panicking. I had never seen her like this. ‘I’ve got it under control. It’s … it’s over in fact.’

  ‘Is it?’ She held my gaze. ‘I didn’t want to face up to it, when I heard you moving about at night …’

  She got up suddenly and walked over to the counter, opening a drawer and pulling out the familiar shabby cover. She pressed the book to her chest. ‘I was tidying up your room … I nearly had a heart attack.’

  ‘Luca found it. He knew it was connected to me. Neither of us knew why.’

  Mum stroked the cover of the book.

  ‘Such a long time ago. I didn’t think …’ Her eyes flickered to the door. ‘Your dad … he doesn’t know … he thinks—’

  ‘That some guy broke your heart,’ I cut in. ‘Some ordinary mortal.’

  She nodded and her eyes glistened. ‘How could I tell him the truth? That I fell in love with an angel, from a world beyond his comprehension?’

  ‘Tell me about it.’ We looked at each other and a small smile crept on to her face. She was soft again.

  ‘Poor Janey,’ she said, in a voice I hadn’t heard since I was five years old. ‘You’re in love with him.’

  ‘It’s not what you think, Mum,’ I said firmly. ‘He’s my friend. Just my … my very good friend.’

  ‘Your soulmate.’

  ‘Yes.’ I nodded. ‘Like he knows me inside and out … and he’s always going to be there for me.’

  She smiled properly then. ‘That’s not love? That’s just friend
s?’

  ‘Evan is my boyfriend,’ I said feebly.

  She took a step closer to me and held out her arms. ‘Sweetheart,’ she said quietly, ‘come here.’

  I didn’t move, because I was too old for hugs. I’d never been a huggy kind of girl. But those arms looked inviting. I felt my body giving in and I moved towards her, letting her wrap me up.

  ‘It’s awful, isn’t it?’ she said. ‘It’s exactly how I felt … I mean, I didn’t have anyone else in my life, but for a while I told myself that I didn’t have those kind of feelings for Gabriel. I wouldn’t let myself.’

  ‘But I don’t have those feelings for Luca,’ I protested. ‘I want Evan.’

  ‘Does he know about Luca?’

  I shook my head. ‘It doesn’t matter now. Luca has gone.’

  ‘Your decision?’

  ‘No.’ I wriggled and she dropped her hands. ‘I didn’t have to make a choice like you did … Luca knows about you and Gabriel. You’re legendary. Mortal females are bad news.’

  ‘I didn’t choose …’ She looked confused and changed the subject. ‘And what about Gabriel? Is he well? He must have his own children by now.’

  I looked away. ‘Mum … He had children. But … he’s gone … died, or disappeared or something.’ It sounded brutal but there was no other way to say it.

  ‘Gabriel,’ she whispered, her face so pale all of a sudden. ‘How … ?’

  ‘Nobody really knows, but they said a broken heart.’

  She looked stricken. ‘I never knew.’ She looked anxiously at me. ‘You know you must be careful,’ she said. ‘It’s intoxicating, that world. Everything so intense. You get drawn in, but you will never be accepted …’

  ‘Mum,’ I pleaded. ‘It is over. I will never see Luca again. And we didn’t fall in love.’

  ‘Just because you tell yourself that, doesn’t make it real,’ she said. ‘How do you feel about never seeing that boy again? Tell me.’

  ‘I feel …’ I stopped. ‘I haven’t let myself …’

  ‘See? You are pretending.’

  ‘I’m not you, Mother,’ I said angrily. ‘This is not your story. It’s mine. And it’s different.’

  I backed away towards the door. Towards the sound of my normal little sister and my dad. ‘Just because you messed up, don’t put it on me.’ I turned away from her, not wanting her to see my fear. My panic.