Dark Heart Forever

by Lee Monroe

  ‘Nothing.’ I waved dismissively, then dropped my voice to a loud whisper. ‘Did you take the photo?’

  ‘What photo?’ She screwed up her nose. ‘You mean that weird photo of the boy? No.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘What would I want with a photo of a boy?’

  ‘Fine. It doesn’t matter. Get back to whatever crap you’re watching on TV.’

  Dot rolled her eyes again and turned back into the living room.

  I stayed where I was, listening to the TV, to the sounds of my mother in the kitchen. Then I went back into my room and got down on the floor, looking under the chest, under my bed. Nothing.

  I growled in frustration. That photograph was my connection with Luca, with a world that otherwise I could easily believe I had only imagined. I sat back on my knees, shutting my eyes. My reality seemed so blurred in that moment. Trying to feel connected to a human boy, someone who was willing to let down his barriers for me. But instead missing a boy whose very existence I couldn’t prove to myself, let alone anyone else.

  My head felt thick, clouding up, like the worst headache was about to come. I put my hands over my ears, as if that would help. Through the fug in my brain, I could hear words circling, indistinct. I closed my eyes trying to focus on them.

  You’re not safe.

  Clear as a bell, the voice spoke in my head. I opened my eyes, looking around me.

  There was no one there.

  He is not safe.

  The same voice again. My heartbeat was accelerating and I put one hand to my chest.

  ‘Who is it?’ I said weakly into the silence of my room.

  I can’t find you.

  ‘Luca,’ I whispered. ‘Is it you? Are you here?’

  I could almost feel his hands, gently holding my shoulders as I sat, still crouched on the floor. And I put one hand up to take the one I was sure would be there.

  But there was nothing.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Evan was now working part-time with my dad. Helping him out with a few jobs. I should have been pleased. Evan being around more should mean we could start to relax around each other. Mum was even feeding him. But he was a little awkward around her, a bit stiff. He didn’t want to talk about his family much and, being my mum, she did.

  The truth is when he took a break and we spent time alone together, he was more interested in the physical side of our relationship. Every conversation I started he’d stop by kissing me, or telling me how pretty and sexy I was. He was attentive and gorgeous and he took my breath away, especially when he was outside working with Dad, wearing a faded, floppy T-shirt that accentuated his muscular arms. Yes, I still wanted him. His touch still made my skin tingle. But lately he seemed almost needy.

  I wanted us to talk. I wanted him to tell me more about himself, but all we did was lie about, making out with each other.

  As hot as he was, that was starting to lose its appeal.

  ‘He’s a quiet boy, isn’t he?’ Mum said after he’d gone home one evening and we were sitting in the kitchen. ‘I get the feeling he had a rough childhood.’

  ‘He did,’ I said, flipping through my GCSE Maths revision notes. I’d be lucky if I scraped a pass.

  ‘Oh?’ She was curious. ‘What happened?’

  ‘His mum was a depressive. That’s why he ran away.’

  ‘Really?’ Mum looked shocked. ‘Poor kid. Poor woman.’

  ‘Hmmm.’ I put down my notes. ‘But it’s so hard, Mum. He’s so coiled up in that way. He’s happiest when he’s chopping up bits of wood, or driving around, or playing with the dog … doing physical stuff. It’s like everything else is out of bounds.’

  ‘Not everyone is lucky enough to have two parents together and relatively sane,’ she said, getting up and taking some pastry out of the fridge. ‘You should have a little more compassion. I know you had a horrible time at school. But you had us. He’s had to mature very quickly. His life has been more complicated.’

  Not as complicated as Luca’s, I thought.

  ‘But things are different now. He’s free of all that stuff … yet he still acts like the mixed-up kid.’ I sighed. ‘It’s not like he’s talking about it … I wish he would. But it’s hanging over him all the same. I’m not sure I can just ignore it. But … I’m not sure I’m ready for it either.’

  Or I didn’t want to be. It was funny how I had entangled myself willingly with Luca, yet I wasn’t prepared to do the same with Evan.

  ‘He’s dealing with trauma,’ said Mum. ‘He’s not going to get over it just like that.’ She frowned. ‘You need to grow up a little. People aren’t perfect.’

  ‘I know.’ I was being immature. Maybe I had got a little spoiled. Got used to having Luca and Evan meeting all my needs between them. Mum was right. And Luca wasn’t here. If he and I really had that strong a bond between us, why hadn’t I seen him since the ball? I remembered his words to Lowe that night. He couldn’t have been more clear. His feelings for me were just platonic, whereas Evan wanted me as his girlfriend.

  I picked up the notes again and scraped back my chair.

  ‘I’m going upstairs to do some more revision,’ I said grumpily.

  Mum stopped rolling out the pastry to look up at me, concerned.

  ‘It’ll work itself out, you know,’ she said, with a half-smile. ‘It always does.’

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  I pulled myself together after Mum and I had our chat. You can’t have everything. And what I had was pretty good. I had a lot to look forward to. Everything was just fine.

  So when I looked up to see Luca finally in front of me, I couldn’t account for the happiness I felt, along with the shock.

  His face had a little more colour to it, his green eyes vivid against his skin. I couldn’t help the broad smile stretching over my face. How could I have ever thought he looked weird?

  ‘You came!’ I said stupidly. ‘How did you—?’

  ‘Sssh.’ Luca put his finger to my lips. ‘I can’t stay long …’ His eyes ran over my face. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been here … I was … I saw things. I didn’t know what to …’ He hesitated, looking anxious. ‘But I couldn’t stay away any longer. I had to see you.’

  I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying. All I could think was that I knew he wouldn’t abandon me. Deep down I knew he’d come back. Everything was going to be all right.

  I grinned stupidly at him, ignoring his serious expression.

  ‘I’m so glad to see you,’ I said. ‘I’ve missed you more than I ever thought—’

  He put his hand on my arm and it felt ominous. ‘I came to warn you.’

  ‘Luca, what is it? Has something happened … ?’

  ‘Listen, Jane,’ he said firmly. ‘I have been seeing things. Bad things. Things I can’t make sense of, but I had to warn you.’

  I was starting to feel scared. ‘Warn me about what?’

  Luca’s eyes darted about nervously; he sat awkwardly on Dad’s bench, where I’d come to get away from my confused feelings. Or sort them out. Or something.

  ‘Evan,’ he said. ‘Evan is not good for you.’

  I frowned. ‘You’ve been getting more of those pictures in your head?’

  Luca nodded. ‘He’s just not what he seems, Jane. There’s something not right about what he’s saying to you … I don’t know why, but I have this feeling he is going to hurt you.’

  I stared at him for a few seconds before the smile returned to my face.

  ‘Come on … This is a joke, right?’

  ‘I tried to speak to you yesterday … I thought you could hear me …’ Luca held my gaze. ‘I know you could hear me.’

  ‘I heard you …’ I recalled Luca’s words the day before. ‘You’re serious, aren’t you?’

  He looked right into my eyes. ‘I hope not. But I hardly ever get premonitions—’

  ‘Wait a minute,’ I interrupted him. ‘Premonitions?’

  I realised I was glaring at him. As happy as I had been to see him when he arrive
d, my mood had changed. Why did everything have to be so intense? Wasn’t it enough that I was straddling two different worlds; that I had a boyfriend like a Greek god who was inexplicably devoted to me? Now here was Luca, who had come into my life and turned it upside down with his ‘premonitions’.

  Luca didn’t blink, though he did look distressed. Another thing that was bugging me. Why couldn’t everyone just lighten up?

  ‘Yes,’ he said finally. ‘I first had them when I was about eight years old. When my parents turned in the Green Forest – near the Water Path. My father was nearly killed by a renegade vampire. I was turning myself then, though my age meant I returned to human form quickly. I went back to our home and was thrown against the bedroom wall by a scream that ripped through my skull.’ He paused for breath, his eyes darkening at the memory. ‘Ulfred escaped, though he was badly wounded. He and Henora found me crouched under the bed, shaking.’

  ‘How awful,’ I said, inadequately. It was hard to know what to say.

  ‘It’s not a gift. It’s more of a curse, except – except when it can make a difference. I didn’t tell you before, I hoped I’d got it wrong.’

  ‘You have got it wrong,’ I told him. ‘Evan’s a little moody at times, but he would never hurt me.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’ Luca watched me.

  ‘Yes!’ I threw up my hands, exasperated and angry. ‘This is starting to annoy me. I don’t see you for weeks at a time, and then you turn up and decide to stir things up for me. Just so that I can’t move on. You don’t want me, but no one else can have me either.’ I shut my eyes and softened the tone of my voice. ‘I mean … it’s probably subconscious or something. You don’t know you’re doing it. But maybe that’s what’s happening here.’

  ‘Is that what you think?’ he said. ‘That I don’t want—’

  ‘Stop!’ I put my palms over my face, covering my eyes. ‘Just leave me alone. I can’t deal with this any more.’ Somewhere inside I felt bad about what I was saying, but I was tired of feeling confused about me and Luca.

  ‘This is a disaster,’ I heard him say.

  ‘Luca.’ I sighed, dropping my hands to look up at him. ‘I think it’s time we both accepted that you and I can never have a normal relationship. It’s all too weird, and dangerous, and … and I hate keeping secrets. I think we should just get on with our separate lives.’

  I held my breath.

  ‘If that’s what you want,’ he said softly. ‘Of course.’

  I nodded, turning away from him, too tired to know how I felt.

  All I could hear was the beating of my heart as I waited for him to leave.

  When I turned back two minutes later a squirrel had positioned itself in the middle of the path, chewing on something. And Luca had gone.

  You know that feeling you get after you’ve said or done something that you can’t take back? You feel scared but you feel a little bit euphoric. At first. But when the drama has died down, you just feel flat and regretful and you can’t remember why you felt so strongly. And you wish you could take back your words and go back in time.

  That’s exactly what I felt the day Luca disappeared. Or rather, the day I told him to go. I spent the rest of the afternoon in my bedroom, hating myself, feeling flat and empty. I fought against the guilt for a while, but then I began to panic. Was Luca right? Maybe Evan was bad for me? The more I turned it over in my mind, the more I doubted I’d done the right thing.

  I tried willing myself to Nissilum; shutting my eyes and saying it over and over. But nothing happened. I just had to wait until Luca came back to me.

  If he ever came back.

  In the days that followed I was subdued. Inside I felt wretched. I’d look around the table at my mother and father and Dot, oblivious to the thoughts swirling in my head. My mother would reprimand Dot for leaving her vegetables, my dad would sheepishly thumb through a brochure called Timber World, forking food into his mouth. Nobody noticed my glazed expression.

  I took to taking the dog for long walks, up through the trees, hoping, I suppose, to bump into Luca. I climbed right to the top once, and stood looking up rather than down, studying the moon as it sat, distant and bashful in the daylight, waiting to turn from a faded white sliver to a glowing presence in the night sky.

  Everything was back to normal it seemed. No more pale werewolf-boy.

  Eventually I made up my mind. I needed to focus on Evan. I needed to forget all about the stuff with Luca. It wasn’t real, none of it. It never really had been. It was just…a phase.

  I still dreamed of it at night, though. Nissilum. One night I was back there and this time it was Lowe, not Luca, who was waiting for me by the Water Path. He stood, hostile, with eyes narrowed and when I saw him he got to his feet and walked towards me.

  ‘He never wants to see you again,’ he told me, his eyes travelling across my face, not with any malice, but with a warning look. ‘You cannot come here again.’

  And then, as I moved to step past him, his hand reached out to stop me.

  ‘You should have listened to him,’ he said then, though I didn’t understand what he meant. ‘You will see.’

  And then he was gone and the trees were filled with eyes and faces. And beyond the trees, whispering bodies moving, watching.

  I stepped back and felt one foot stepping into thin air, and I remembered the water behind me. Panicking, I put one arm out to a smiling figure in front of me who reached to take it. But as the arm pulled me closer, I saw the white skin and tumbling dark hair and the ruby-red mouth.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re back,’ purred Vanya, digging a long, black nail into my flesh. ‘I hope we can be friends.’

  I opened my mouth but my scream was silent and as I wrenched my arm away, Vanya’s smile grew even more lascivious.

  ‘Come again, dear,’ she whispered. ‘Luca needs you.’

  I came back. I found the way back, all by myself and I am writing this next to a curve in the river, waiting for you. I need to say goodbye and see you one more time. And I hope you will know where I am. I will wait for you. Remember, whatever happens, that I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to choose. But I nearly lost my mother, and now that she is well again, I cannot leave her. It is part duty, part love. But as for that other kind of love … I will never have anything as strong, as thrilling, as I have known with you.

  If you don’t come, I’ll understand. But know that my heart is broken. I am leaving this book here because this is the last time I will come. I hope you will find it and read all that I have been thinking these past few weeks. My time with you has been the most beautiful dream –that is how I will think of it, at least. Forever preserved in my memory as something precious.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  ‘I’m never going back,’ said Evan, as he lay with one arm around me on my bed.

  I rested my head on my elbow. ‘Really?’

  ‘There is nothing there … except for my mum,’ he said quickly, almost as though she was an insignificant afterthought. ‘I’d rather be with you.’

  ‘What exactly do you see in me?’ I asked him. ‘I mean … there must be a queue of girls lining up to be with you.’

  He gave me a lopsided smile. ‘I don’t see them … I can’t get my head around why you can’t see how great you are, Jane. You’re beautiful but you’re not vain. You’re clever but you’re modest.’ He paused. ‘You have substance.’

  ‘You’re right.’ I sighed. ‘I can’t see it.’

  He nodded. ‘It’s not surprising. After what happened … But you have to try and forget about the past. What Sarah did … It was nothing to do with you. It was her stuff. She’s got her own “issues” … from her real dad. He wasn’t a nice person from what I gather. Used to beat up her mum. She had a hard time of it. Felt pretty powerless.’

  I attempted a sympathetic look, but I don’t think I pulled it off.

  ‘I didn’t know that,’ I said instead. ‘I guess that explains things.’

 
‘You mean like her craving for power,’ Evan said.

  I laughed then. ‘Now you mention it, yes.’

  ‘I’m not saying you should excuse her,’ he went on. ‘Just try and see how the root of all the bad stuff about Sarah is not about you. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.’

  ‘Hmmm.’ I picked at the quilt. ‘I was happy just hating her and blaming her for everything that’s gone wrong in my life. But I guess nobody is born evil.’

  ‘I don’t know about that.’ Evan shrugged, his voice quieter now. ‘But most people are born good.’

  ‘You’re so wise.’ I prodded him playfully. ‘How did you get to be so mature for your age?’

  ‘Crap happening. It can make you examine human nature a little more closely, I suppose.’

  ‘I’m sorry about your mum,’ I said, hoping he was going to open up. ‘I can’t imagine what—’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Evan interrupted. ‘I don’t want – need – to talk about it. I’ve dealt with it … I’m dealing with it.’ He shook his head. ‘Man, this conversation has suddenly got very—’

  ‘Deep? I like deep. Better than shallow, I guess.’

  Evan stroked my cheekbone with his finger. ‘Seriously, shallow is something you will never be.’

  ‘Oh, I have my moments,’ I murmured. ‘Definitely.’

  Evan leaned in closer to me and, having felt overwhelmed by him only days earlier, I felt glad now to be adored by him. Evan was able to love me. And he lived in my world. It was so much more straightforward.

  His mouth softly met mine, his eyes open as he kissed me, and my hips moved involuntarily towards his. Gently he put one hand on my stomach, stroking it through my T-shirt, and I wriggled in response, reaching out to pull his shirt out, touching his strong stomach, feeling it contract. And then his gentleness became something else, something hungry. He slid his palm up higher and then round to my back, where his fingers found the fastener to my bra and skilfully undid it.