The Lives We Lead (A Student In Need Book 2)

by Nicolas Schrammeck

Leo broke off, feeling tears begin to well up in his eyes. “She always called me her…….her miracle child. She……..the doctors said she’d never have kids. But……but somehow she managed to have me. She…….everyday she’d hold me against her and tell me she loved me. She’d call me her angle and……and……”

  He broke off as he began to cry, silent tears falling down his face as he remembered his mother; the single most perfect person he’d even known. “I loved her so much. But I couldn't…….I………I couldn't save her. I……..” he bit his lip, his chest heaving with each breath he took. “I watched as she…….as she just faded away until she could hardly speak or breathe. And my father he……he……” Leo balled his hands into fists, anger mixing with his despair. “He hardly ever went to see her. She……she was all alone in that hospital, and he couldn't be bothered to go see her. Couldn't be bothered to go and see his dying wife, my mother. I…….I was so mad at him!”

  His voice began sharp and angry. He shook with anger as he recalled the screaming matches he and his father had, had. “I……I was there when she died. I……..I watched as she closed her eyes and……and never opened them again. And I was the only one with her. That started this, the anger between me and my father. I…..I swore I’d never forgive him for not visiting her more. That I’d never let him forget that I, his 11 year old son was the only person with her when she died.”

  He took deep breath, willing the anger that bubbled in his gut to lessen. He didn’t need anger right now. He needed to stay calm. “After that…….I didn’t stay at home much. Being anywhere was better than being in the house. I’d go for walks after school, and just spend hours walking along the river and fields. I just…….I couldn't stand being home alone with my father.” He felt Alex squeeze his hand gently. “I was just……I was so mad at him. I looked at him and all I could see was a man who instead of going to see his dying wife; would instead get so drunk he could hardly speak or string two words together. I’d come home at night and he’d be passed out in front of the couch. He’d have to drag him up to his bedroom, fix myself dinner, do homework and by that time I only had a few hours to sleep before I had to go and do it all over again. I just……”

  he let go of Alex’s hand, clenching his fingers against the wooden log they were sitting on; feeling his nails gouge at the soft partially rotted wood. “I HATED him.” he felt Alex touch his shoulder in support. “We….we stopped talking to each other. He was either drunk or yelling at me. Then…..then one night. We really got into it. We were screaming at each other across the kitchen and……and he reached across the table and smacked me so hard I hit the wall.” Leo bit his lip as he forced himself to look at Alex who continued to touch his shoulder in support. “I ran out of the house, screaming at him the entire time that I wish it was him who had died and not mother. I don't even remember how I did it but……but somehow I wound up here.”

  He gestured to the small beach they were on now. “I’d never been out this far from town. It was so……peaceful. It felt so good to get away from the town and just…….just be alone. I…..I started coming here every day. I’d get a book from the school library and I’d come down here and read. If it was hot I went swimming, if it was cold I’d make a little fire and I’d just……..I’d do my best to cope with everything that was happening. This place……it became my sanctuary.”

  Alex smiled a Leo who smiled weakly back. “I just……..I wanted to show you this place. I just……..I feel at peace here.” Alex nodded and shifted, so he could lean against Leo while resting his head on Leo’s shoulder. “Well……then let’s stay here until you feel at peace. Ok?”

  he felt Leo shift, putting one of his arms around Alex’s shoulder. “Ok. Thank you.”

  Time seemed to fade away as they sat there on the log, watching as the water of the river washed by them. All around them birds chirped and spoke to each other, in front of them the water made its own distinct sound; punctuated by the occasional frog calling to its fellow frogs. High above them the sun began its slow trek across the sky and began to set.

  LATER

  Leo shifted, rolling onto his back to look up at the hotel ceiling. Next to him Alex snored gently, having fallen asleep almost…… sitting up Leo felt his eyes widen as he found it was 2AM; he’d been laying awake for almost 6 hours. Slowly he shifted, looking at Alex who moaned and twitched in his sleep, muttering something about unlimited pizza. Sighing to himself Leo closed his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep, but found it was no good. He wasn't tired. Sighing again Leo moved, slowly sitting up before getting out of bed carefully so as not to wake up Alex.

  His body moved on its own, pulling on his clothes before scribbling a note for Alex and setting it on the nightstand before quietly leaving the hotel room and going down to the lobby. He smiled weakly at the lobby attendant who watched him curiously as he strode through and out of the lobby before getting in his car and starting the engine. As he drove he busied himself with the radio flicking through the channels before coming to a stop as a song that he knew began to play. Driving down the mostly empty streets Leo soon found himself in the nearly empty parking lot of the hospital. Pulling into a parking space Leo paused, taking several deep breaths before getting out of the car and walking up to the lobby. As he climbed the last step and moved to open the doors a voice to his right spoke. “Thought I said you had to wait 24 hours before you were allowed back inside?”

  Leo bit his lip but smiled as he turned to find Tommy leaning again the wall, a small can of soda clutched in his hand; obviously on break. “I need to see him.”

  Tommy raised an eyebrow. “You gunna kill him yourself?”

  Leo shook his head. “no. but there are things I need to say to him. I don't care if he hears them or even responds but……..but I need to say them to him.”

  Tommy was silent for a moment before taking a sip from the can he was holding. “You sure that’s such a good idea? Leo……sometimes you have to let the ghosts of the past die.”

  Leo bit his lip and forced himself to speak calmly, getting mad at Tommy would not solve his problem. “Not these ones, not yet. Not till I say what it is I have to say.”

  He watched as Tommy sighed and shrugged. “Fine.”

  A moment later Tommy drained his drink before motioning for Leo to follow him; moving through the lobby and the maze of hallways before coming to a stop in front of the room his father was in. Leo watched as Tommy turned to him. “Try not to break anything this time.”

  Leo smiled weakly at Tommy. “Thank you for doing this.”

  Tommy shrugged. “We’re friends Leo.”

  Leo bit his lip. “I……I know. And…..and I’m sorry I haven’t always acted like it. But……thank you.”

  Again Tommy shrugged. “It’s fine. You had way more important things to worry about.”

  Tommy turned and began to walk away, leaving Leo alone in front of the door to his father’s room. Taking a deep breath Leo pushed the door opened and stepped inside. He paused, his eyes roving over his father’s frail form, the machines that beeped and chirped indicating he was still live. Taking another deep breath Leo began to speak. “Well……..now that your bitch of a mother isn’t here. We can finally talk.”

  His father’s only response was for his chest to raise and lower as he took shallow breaths. Moving forward Leo gripped the railing on the foot of the bed before continuing. “I don't know if you can hear me……and frankly I don't care. You and I have always had a hard time speaking to each other……..so now that you can interrupt me I’m going to say what I have to say.”

  Taking another deep breath he continued “you’re an asshole. A complete and total asshole that only cares about himself. I…….When I came to you, told you I was being molested what did you do? YOU BEAT ME.” he spoke the words forcefully. “You turned your back on me when I needed you most of all. Because of you……” Leo broke up, as tears welled up in his eyes. But he wiped them away; he was done crying. He snarled
at his father’s unmoving form. “You turned your back on me. Because of you I was molested for 6 YEARS!”

  he shouted the last word at his father. “For 6 years he touched me, raped me, made me feel powerless and helpless; while no one did ANYTHING!” he took several calming breaths. If he continued to be angry he might say something that could get him into trouble. He might say that he’d murdered his molester. Closing his eyes for several moments Leo continued. “You know, I spent years traveling the world, learning about different cultures and religions. But do you know what they all have in common, their opinion of a father who turns his back on his son.” He gripped the railing tighter willing his unconscious father to feel just how angry he was. When he spoke his tone was firm and unyielding. “WHAT YOU DID IS BEYOND FORGIVNESS. AND I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL FOR IT.”

  He took several more breaths before continuing. “No…..no I’m lying. I don't……I don't want you to burn in hell. But I do want you to suffer. I want you to suffer as badly as I did for all those years. I want you to feel pathetic and powerless.” Despite the anger that bubbled in his stomach Leo found himself laughing. “You know…….you know I learned something interesting in my travels. Several religions don't believe YOUR personal sins decide if you go to hell or not. Those religions believe that it’s the people you’ve affected the most that decide. That your soul is brought before a court and you’re given a chance to defend every bad and good thing you’ve ever done.”

  He gripped the railing tighter. “You’d better PRAY that’s not how death works, because if it is. You’ll be in hell for a very long time. You........you’re……” he broke off as he felt his throat tighten for a moment, but he forced himself to keep talking. He was not going to stop now. “You’re the last thing keeping me connected to this wretched place. Once you’re gone. I’ll NEVER come back here again. I’ll…….I’ll……..” he took another breath as his throat again tightened. “I will NEVER forgive you for what you did to me………but I can forget. Everyday………everyday I’ll think about you, and this wretched place less and less until finally I don't think about it at all. And on that day; then and only then will I let your soul out of hell.” He growled as again his father didn’t respond. He wanted to see his father react. To hear his father speak or see him move or……..something.

  He let go of the railing, balling his hand into a fist. “Even when you give me what I want…..you still screw me over. I…..I…..” but he broke off as he coughed slightly. He mouth felt like there was sand in it, he could barely talk it was so dry. Coughing some more Leo turned, heading out of the room and towards the small water cooler he’d passed on the way here. Filling a cup with water Leo drank until his mouth wasn't dry before taking a deep breath, doing his best to let go of his anger.

  Closing his eyes for a moment he willed himself to relax; in the back ground he could hear people speaking, calling to each other. He stood there in the hallway, allowing the feeling of the water in his stomach to cool down his oddly hot skin; behind him more voices called and spoke to each other. Throwing away his cup Leo turned and began to move back to his father’s room. But he froze as he turned the corner and caught sight of his father’s door. It had been pulled wide open, with several voices coming from inside of the room. He felt his legs go numb as he stood there, his entire body locked up, unable to move as he watched a doctor dressed in a white lab coat rush into the room. He could their voices getting louder, shouting to each other.

  “BLOOD PRESSURE IS DROPPING, HEARTRATE IS DOWN. HE’S GOING INTO-”

  Leo’s entire body flinched as though he’d been struck as a cool, flat tone cut through all the sound around him. It was a cold tone. A tone that left no room for negotiations or please for mercy. It was cold, unyielding, unwavering in its meaning. The moment it cut through the air the nurses and doctors stopped talking, seeming to freeze. The tone carried on for what felt like an eternity, before vanishing. A moment later a male voice spoke within the room.

  “He’s……gone…..”

  His body moved on its own, his legs carrying him down the hallway and away from his father’s room. He was barely aware he was moving though the hallways, completely ignoring the looks he got as he passed through the lobby and out of the doors before finding his car and climbing inside. The drive back to the hotel seemed to be over before he was able blinked. All too soon he was shutting off the engine and getting out, before walking to elevator and stepping out. Each step towards his room seemed to take great effort, and his hands shook as he opened the door with him room key; stepping into the dark room before closing the door behind him. From the sounds of it, Alex was still asleep and hadn’t woken up at all.

  He moved, pulling off his jeans and shirt before slowly crawling into bed next to Alex; making the smaller turtle shift as he woke up. “L…Leo?”

  Leo didn’t respond until his arms were wrapped firmly around Alex’s shoulders with his neck buried against the back of Alex’s neck. “Shhhhh......go back to sleep. Everything is ok.”

  Alex didn’t respond, only scooted a little bit closer to Leo before seeming to drift back to sleep. Leo closed his eyes; it was over. His last connection to this horrible place was gone; it was what he’d wanted…… why then did he have a knot of cold pain in his gut?

  CHAPTER 9

  Slowly Anthony woke, blinking as he slowly sat up. looking across the room he bit his lip. Jason had shifted, he no longer lay under the covers and blankets but instead sat sitting on top of them. he’d pulled on his underwear and pants with his shirt slung over his shoulder, while he held his head in his hands. As Anthony watched Jason's sides shook slightly. “J….Jason?”

  Anthony’s voice made Jason flinch slightly, yet still the red turtle turned a little to look at him with one eye. “oh……sorry…….I…….I didn’t mean to……….wake you.”

  Sitting up a little more Anthony made sure to keep the blankets around his chest and neck; there was no need to remind Jason of what had happened the night before. “Jason……..are you…….ok?”

  he watched as Jason took another breath his sides shaking. “I………I……….”

  he watched as Jason struggled for a moment to put into words what he was feeling. “I keep……going through it all……in my head…….I just…….we……I……..”

  Anthony watched as Jason ran his hands across his face, taking several deep breaths. It was heartbreaking to watch. Anthony shifted, slowly crawling across the bed before reaching out to touch Jason only to freeze. Touching Jason could make this situation a whole lot worse. “Jason……is it ok if I touch you?”

  Jason was silent for a moment before responding. “no…..” Anthony recoiled slightly, as much as he hated to admit it, Jason's response hurt. “yes……fuck I don't know…….do whatever you want.”

  Slowly Anthony moved forward touching Jason's shoulder gently, noting that Jason flinched slightly at his touch. “Jason……….talk to me. tell me what you’re feeling.”

  He stopped moving, sitting down on the bed next to Jason while squeezing Jason's shoulder gently. He watched as Jason remained silent for several minutes before speaking. “I’m……not…..gay. I’m not gay. I don't like guys.”

  Anthony nodded. “ok. I understand.”

  Jason looked at him, his eyes looking at Anthony for a moment before continuing. “but…….last night…….it……..”

  Anthony watched as Jason bit his lip, his shoulders slumped and his voice became much weaker. “it felt…..SO good.”

  Anthony nodded, again squeezing Jason’s shoulder for reassurance. “Jason it’s-”

  but Jason interrupted him, continuing to speak in his weak voice. “I’ve never felt anything like that. Everything was so……..perfect. I…….I……I…..”

  Jason's sides began to shake as he buried his head in his hands again. Anthony bit his lip, deciding he needed to comfort Jason before things got much worse. He moved, slowly shifting to wrap his arms around Jason's shoulders. He knew almos
t instantly it had been the wrong thing to do. Jason's entire body jerked away from him, while his hands pushed against Anthony’s chest. Anthony recoiled watching as Jason scrambled off the bed as though it were red hot, his shell hitting the wall as his face contorted into panic. “Jason., it’s ok. Just calm do-”

  but Jason's voice had become panicked now as he shook his head. “NO…..NO! I’m not gay. I’m not gay!”

  Jason's entire body shook as he half shouted at Anthony who recoiled at the harsh tone. He wanted to reassure Jason, wanted to tell him that this one night didn’t mean he was gay. He moved, slowly reaching out to try and reassure Jason that everything was ok. But his voice died in his throat as he watched Jason's eyes jerk left and right, while his hands tried to find something to hold onto. Anthony bit his lip, as he watched Jason take several deep breaths before speaking. “I……I need to go.”

  Anthony felt his heart clench at Jason’s words. He took several breaths of his own before responding. “o….ok.”

  he bit his lip, watching as Jason turned away from him before pulling open the door. “J….Jason……”

  Jason turned, looking at the bed instead of Anthony. “what?”

  Anthony was silent for a moment. He wanted to say something to calm Jason down, something to reassure the young turtle that everything was ok. Part of him wanted to beg Jason to come back to bed and lay down again. “I…….I won’t tell anyone. Ok?”

  he watched Jason shift, looking directly at him for a moment before speaking. “Th….thank you.”

  Anthony offered Jason a weak smile which Jason did not return. Anthony felt his smile fade as Jason continued to look at him before taking a deep breath. “I have to go.”

  Anthony nodded slightly, pulling his legs against his chest as he did so. He understood, he really did. Right now Jason was freaking out and he needed to get away from the source of his confusion; Anthony. But that did not stop his heart from clenching in pain as Jason left the room. That did not stop silent tears from falling down his face as he heard Jason move downstairs or open the front door. Only then did he begin to sob, his sides shaking as he listened to Jason start the engine in his jeep. Instantly the urge to call Jason, to text him, to plead with him to come back and hold him flooded through Anthony’s body. Before he knew what he was doing his phone was in his hand, Jason's number already punched in to send a text.