The Before Now and After Then

by Pen Name Publishing

  I thought about that for a moment and laughed, “Our one week anniversary? But we met at school, so it’s more like our nine day anniversary.”

  “Saturday was really our official first date,” Rusty said, sure of himself.

  “OK,” I replied. “So should that be our official anniversary date?”

  Rusty nodded and leaned over to kiss me. “So what do you want to do for our anniversary?”

  I touched his eye and he flinched. I felt responsible for his pain. “I don’t know. I’m not very good at planning things.”

  He smiled, “What are you good at?”

  I thought about it and couldn’t come up with anything. “I don’t know. Nothing I guess.”

  Rusty just stared at me. “You always talk about all of the things you’re not, like you’re not good at planning things or you weren’t as smart as Sam or your room isn’t as cool as anyone else’s room.”

  “It isn’t,” I insisted.

  “Why not? I don’t understand why you don’t make it your own. Let your personality find itself in your room.”

  How could I tell him that I was trying desperately to find myself in the clothes I picked out, the music I listened to and the way I decorated my room, all in hopes of him liking me, but I couldn’t find myself anywhere. I didn’t have any clue about my personality.

  “Why do you even like me?” I asked.

  Rusty sat up and looked offended. “Excuse me?”

  “Seriously, why do you even like me?” I asked again, this time more seriously.

  “God, Danny, for lots of reasons.” He looked at me intently, searching for something in my eyes.

  “Tell me one,” I whispered, feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

  He touched my cheek lightly. “You’re kind. You’re honest. You don’t try to be something you’re not. You’re afraid but aren’t afraid of letting people see it, which allows me to protect you. You smell good, like Christmas and the ocean. You’re an incredible kisser. I like how awkwardly cute you look when you don’t know what to say or how to act. I like how much you use the word seriously. I like how your body fits perfectly next to mine. I could fall asleep in your smile and tread water for weeks in your eyes. You have the coolest, curliest hair I’ve ever seen,” he paused. “And you bring out something in me, something vulnerable and raw, that no one else has ever brought out in me before. I always feel like I have to be the man and take care of everything, but with you, I just get to be the boy in love…with another boy.”

  Fresh tears streamed down my face. Rusty took my face in both of his hands and kissed me hard, the taste of the salty tears glazing our lips. He leaned back and looked at me. “What about me? What about me do you like?”

  I stared at him and thought of what would be the perfect answer. “Just the hair. That’s all.” We both laughed, falling into each other as our tiny Boo jumped on our backs and the moon began taunting us as it rose above our heads.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  On the way back to my house, we agreed we would split the weekend and that Rusty would plan Saturday and I would plan Sunday. Since I was horrible at planning things, I had no idea what we were going to do on my day, but somehow I would figure it out. Just getting to be with Rusty all weekend and having something to look forward to again, gave me hope.

  “So, what are we going to do next weekend?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. Celebrate our second anniversary weekend?” he laughed. As I drove, his mixed tape flowed from New Order’s 1963 into The Pet Shop Boys Liberation. The song echoed out into the warm night and the moon hung plump over our heads like it was dangling on a stationary, bungee cord. Boo slept soundly in Rusty’s lap and this time, I slid my hand over his thigh, curling my fingers underneath the edge of his shorts, feeling the smooth hair on his leg.

  At a stop light, we kissed for so long that when it turned green we didn’t even realize it until the cars behind us started to honk.

  “Do you ever wish you could just keep driving forever?” Rusty asked.

  “Yeah, all the time.”

  “Me too,” he sighed as he laid his head on my shoulder and for a minute, I thought he seemed sad.

  “Are you OK?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I just wish we could stay in this moment forever. It’s perfect.”

  And it was perfect. I just kept driving around for a while, letting the tape play on and on, jumping from Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On to Kaskade’s Its You Its Me and finally, Daft Punk’s Something About Us.

  When the first side of the tape was done, I ejected it and turned it over but there were no songs on the tape. I looked over at Rusty. “You only recorded songs on one side?”

  He smiled and pulled me in close to him. “I left the second side blank, so we can decide what songs belong there together. Side B can be our future.” And then he kissed me.

  “Sometimes the B side is the better side anyway.” I said as I drove back to my house, with Rusty on my shoulder the rest of the way. We had decided to order pizza again since we had forgotten to take a picnic to the park.

  “I wish we could spend the night at each other’s houses,” Rusty said.

  “Me too, but I’m on this kick for my mom to treat you and me like she would have treated Sam and his girlfriend Jess.”

  “And she wouldn’t have let Jess stay the night?” Rusty asked.

  “My mom’s liberal but she’s not stupid. Jess went on a couple weekend trips with us and our Christmas vacation to Gatlinburg. And of course, she snuck in and stayed the night when Mom and Dad didn’t know about it.”

  Rusty raised his eyebrows. “Did they ever get caught?”

  I shook my head, “Nope. My mom’s a very heavy sleeper.” And in that moment, we made a plan without officially making a plan. “But I think it should be for a special occasion, not just every night, or Mom will catch on.”

  “Tomorrow night?” Rusty asked, hopefully.

  “Definitely.”

  We walked inside and before we even reached the kitchen we were surprised by the sound of loud music and people laughing. Cher and my mom were sitting on the kitchen counter, drinking cucumber water and laughing while Alex told them a story.

  Cher had changed out of her Grateful Dead t-shirt and hippy skirt and was now dressed in a black t-shirt tucked into a pair of jean shorts. Her hair was colored blonde and she looked like she could have been Mom’s taller, much younger sister.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, putting Boo on the floor, where he immediately squatted and peed. Cher and Mom laughed hysterically while Rusty rushed to clean it up with a paper towel. “What is so funny?”

  “Alex was just telling us stories about when you and Sam were kids,” Cher said. “He was telling us this one story about how your dad took you out on a shooting range and Sam wanted to be a cowboy, but you just wanted to wear a fancy hat and be the cowgirl.”

  My face immediately blushed as Rusty started laughing too. “I’m happy everyone can laugh at my expense.” I looked at Cher, “I thought you were doing yoga tonight?”

  She sighed dramatically, “We were going to, but Mom got called into work and I had nothing else to do so I had her drop me off over here. I wasn’t going to stay but your mom said I could hang out until you got home.”

  I hadn’t figured out yet how Cher decided on her changing appearances, but she looked so similar to my mom that I had to believe her most current change was in honor of her somehow.

  “I like your hair,” I said.

  Cher touched her platinum hair. “Thanks! My mom said you’re not supposed to color your hair when you’re pregnant, but I found this vegan recipe online that’s supposedly safe.”

  “I think it’s beautiful,” Alex said, making me realize by the lack of shock in his voice that Cher had already shared the news of her upcoming motherhood.

  “We were just getting ready to figure out what we were going to do for dinner. Are you boys hungry?” Mom asked.

  “I’
m starving, but I should probably call my mom and see if she cares that I stay,” Rusty said.

  Mom smiled at him. “He’s so polite. I knew there was a reason I liked him instantly.”

  Rusty called his mom and she said he could stay as long as he was home by one. Mom decided she was going to make a huge pot of spaghetti and she sent Alex and Cher to the store for garlic bread and mushrooms, which sent Cher into an instant state of complete fandom as she grabbed Alex’s arm.

  “You’re going to be my date for the evening,” she said and they left for the store in Mom’s car.

  I went upstairs to put Boo in my room. On my bed was a small crate, just the perfect size for Boo, with a sign written on a piece of the leftover red construction paper that read, Boo’s Condo, in Mom’s handwriting. Inside, I found a small, baby blanket, a bowl for water and a few small bones. I set the crate in the corner of the room, where I could still see inside of it if I was lying in bed. I kissed Boo goodnight and put him in the crate. I expected him to cry, but instead, he crawled into the back of the crate, hid himself under the blanket and went to sleep.

  As I walked downstairs, I overheard my Mom and Rusty talking.

  “I think that’s a great idea, Rusty. He’ll love it.”

  “Love what?” I said, walking into the kitchen.

  “None of your business,” Mom said. “Your boyfriend is trying to plan a nice anniversary surprise. And no hints so don’t even ask,” she added turning to Rusty. “He always wants hints so he can figure surprises out, which he usually does and then it completely ruins the surprise.”

  Mom started the spaghetti and Rusty and I walked into the living room and started going through the DVD’s to pick a movie to watch after dinner. Rusty held up a copy of Prayers for Bobby. “What’s this?” he asked.

  “It’s this gay movie my mom wanted me to watch.”

  He picked up Beautiful Thing. “I loved this one,” he said.

  “I’ve never seen it. I’ve never seen any of them. They’re all Mom’s gay gifts to help me come out.”

  “You sound like that pisses you off?” Rusty asked and I thought I sensed anger in his voice.

  I laughed, “It does. I don’t understand why she has to force it down my throat that she’s cool with the whole thing.”

  Rusty looked serious. “Have you ever thought about how cool your parents really are? You use that word to describe them all of the time, but I don’t think you really believe it. Do you know how many parents don’t accept their kids for being gay and some even disown them? You could have it so much worse.”

  I did know this happened, but I didn’t actually know anyone it had happened to. “Yeah, I guess,” I said, feeling a little ashamed.

  “No Danny, this is serious. Your mom and dad don’t just try to accept you, they do accept you. And you aren’t even willing to watch some of these movies that your mom was nice enough to buy you.” He picked up several of the other movies and stacked them into a pile.

  “Most kids are hiding in their bedrooms watching these because they’re so afraid of who they are and too afraid they won’t be accepted.”

  “What kids?”

  “Don’t act stupid,” Rusty snapped.

  “Are we fighting for real about movies my mom bought me or am I missing something?” I was completely confused.

  “You just don’t get it, Danny.” I could see him trying to hold back tears.

  “What is it? What don’t I understand?” I paused. “We’re talking about you, aren’t we?”

  He sat there for a minute and then looked up at me and started to cry and for the first time since I had known him, I saw his vulnerability. “My dad.”

  “What about him?” I asked, still confused.

  “He won’t talk to me. He said as long as I was gay he didn’t want anything to do with me.”

  I didn’t know what to say. “Well, maybe he…”

  “Maybe nothing, he’s an asshole. I tried forever to make it right, but there’s nothing I can do. He talks to my younger brother and even my mom, but he won’t even take my calls, so I just stopped trying.”

  It hurt me to see how badly he was hurting. “I’m really sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, Danny. Be grateful you have two parents who love you so much they’re willing to go out and buy these stupid movies. You have no idea how lucky you are.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you,” I reached over and kissed him, holding him while he cried in my shoulder.

  “I don’t want to fight with you either,” he said. “The thing that sucks is that even though he’s a complete asshole, I really, really miss him. I just wish missed me too.”

  I just sat there and held him. He had never seemed breakable before, but in that moment, he was entirely fragile, and there was something beautiful in his sadness; something raw.

  We were interrupted by the sound of Cher and Alex bouncing into the kitchen. “You will never, ever believe what happened,” she said. “Danny? Where are you?” She looked past the kitchen table into the living room, and found us holding each other, rather me holding Rusty, on the carpet in front of the fireplace, but she just kept going. Her voice cut through our silence again as she interrupted with her insistence that we wouldn’t believe what happened to her. It was strange how some people could be so oblivious to other people’s emotions.

  I kissed Rusty’s cheek and helped him up, following Cher back into the kitchen. “OK, so we went to the grocery store and all of that, but I told Alex that if he was my date for the night, we had to do one stroll through the bookstore.” She cackled and belted at her knees as if she was going to fall down in laughter.

  Alex shrugged his shoulders, “Can’t let a girl down.”

  “It was so awesome. We walked in while I was holding his arm and all these people rushed up and asked for his autograph. He’s totally a star.”

  I had been witness to these outings myself and had seen the craziness of Alex’s fans. I always thought it was funny how so many people loved him because of a book. He said they didn’t love him because of the book, but because he gave birth to Woody and Thomas, the two main characters in his book.

  “So then this chick asks me, ‘who are you’, and I didn’t know what to say, and Alex goes, ‘This is Cher. She’s my niece.’ Then they wanted my picture with Alex. I could have died.” She fake swooned into Alex’s chest.

  I’m not sure why, but I was a little jealous of Cher’s outing with Alex. I had always felt like I had a special relationship with him that no one else had. There was something to be said for having a relationship with someone unlike any other. It was the same reason why I hated when people threw around the saying best friend, as if they had several best friends, when the word itself implied only one. Being a twin, I had never had anyone of my own, until Rusty, but my relationship with Alex had always felt different and more special than his relationship with Sam.

  Cher’s eyes lit up as she told the story in a way I had never seen them before and I realized that there was probably enough of Alex to go around, so I just sat and listened to her stories while we waited for the garlic bread to bake.

  Finally, Mom told us that dinner was ready and she led us all into the dining room where we found at least a dozen, tall, white candles lighting the room. Mom had set up her record player in the corner and an album spun John Coltrane’s In a Sentimental Mood, one of her favorites, which reminded me of Sunday mornings, when Mom would play his jazz records.

  We sat down and Mom decided that we should all say one thing we were grateful for about the person to our left, telling Rusty to go first. He looked at me and said, “Understanding.”

  I smiled and just held his hand for a second until I felt Cher squeezing my hand, so I turned to her and said, “Your humor.” She laughed.

  Cher turned to Alex and said, “Alex, my sweet, sweet uncle, I am grateful for you for making me feel like a star, even if just for one evening.” And then she smiled, sincerely.

 
; Alex smiled back and turned to Mom. “Friendship. That is all. A friendship that has lasted over twenty years.”

  I saw tears begin to form in her eyes as one slowly leaked out of the corner and began to slowly skate down the side of her face. She turned to Rusty, cocked her head and said. “And I am grateful for you for giving me my son back.”

  In that moment, I wasn’t really sure where she had lost me, but I realized that I had been gone for awhile. I had been absent from my life for a long, long time, even before Sam’s death. I noticed Rusty was unsure what to say back and so Mom wiped her eyes and told us all to eat.

  Throughout dinner, Cher mainly told stories, sharing with us ways she and her mom had entertained themselves throughout the years. I noticed how underneath her bravado was an innocence, or a need to be noticed, by someone, anyone.

  After dinner, Mom told us how when she and Dad were dating they would go to Chicago on weekends and eat at this Greek restaurant where the waiters would throw the dishes over the doorway, yelling “Opa!” which meant cheers.

  It took only seconds for Cher to stand up and throw her half eaten plate of spaghetti at the door frame, yelling “Opa!” She turned to Mom to make sure she wasn’t in trouble and the look on Mom’s face was completely still. Then she stood up and yelled “Opa!” laughing, and threw her plate exactly where Cher’s had hit. The rest of us followed suit until we were all laughing uncontrollably and Mom led us out onto the patio to wait for desert.

  When she started brewing coffee, she was still laughing so hard that she looked like she was going to pee herself. It made me smile to see Mom laugh, she hadn’t been this happy in a long time. I thought about what Rusty had said about my parents. I thought about how lucky I was to have a Mom like her; tough, smart, brilliant and sensitive all at the same time. Angst Alice, my mom. I walked over and hugged her from behind. Her cool hands stretched over mine as I towered above her and I whispered in her ear, “I love you mom. Thanks for being so amazing.” She turned to the side so I could see her face. She was smiling, and that was enough.