The Before Now and After Then

by Pen Name Publishing

  While we were eating desert, Mom asked Rusty a bunch of questions about his family. He told her about moving here from Venezuela and about his younger brother and sister. When he talked about Mya and how they had moved from city to city to find the best doctors, Mom started crying. I think there was something about it that reminded her of Sam. “Do you think they’d like to come over for dinner sometime?”

  Rusty nodded. “I think they’d like that. My grandma doesn’t understand much English, so she wouldn’t be able to talk to you guys.”

  I told them about my dinner at Rusty’s house and how I didn’t know how to eat the arepas.

  “What were family dinners like in Venezuela?” Mom asked.

  “The same, just a lot more people. And after dinner, they’d play music and everyone would dance and sing.”

  “Do you salsa?” Mom asked.

  “Of course,” Rusty said. “You don’t grow up in Venezuela and not learn to salsa.”

  And that was when Mom got the idea that Rusty would teach all of us to salsa. She brought out her computer and had Rusty find a song that he liked. He turned to me and winked before playing La Negra Tiene Tumbao. For the next hour, Mom and Alex and Cher all tried to salsa while I sat on the grass and watched them. Rusty tried to get me to dance several times, but I just shook my head and smiled. I liked watching more than I liked being part of it and for the first time I realized that it was OK to just be an observer. Some of us were actors and some of us were the audience. Both were important roles.

  Finally, Rusty turned to my mom and said, “Now you have to teach me a dance.”

  Mom laughed, “I’m not sure I know any real dances.”

  “Just teach me the way you would have danced when you were my age,” he said.

  “Oh, lord,” Alex laughed.

  Mom played around on the computer, trying to find the perfect song, and as the guitar chords and clapping of Billy Idol’s Dancing with Myself began, she started jumping up and down. Instantly, I could see a spark of my mom at seventeen and it was wonderful.

  Cher grabbed her hands and they started dancing together. Alex and Rusty joined them and even though I was comfortable on the sidelines, I was jealous that I couldn’t force myself to stand up and be part of the group.

  They all grabbed hands and started kicking like some rebel group of Rockettes. Mom begged me to come join them, but there was something inside of me that just couldn’t. I felt trapped behind some invisible barrier. Rusty walked over to me and pulled me up to my feet, even though I didn’t want to go. He forced me into the line and made me start jumping and dancing with them, and for the first time in a long time, I let go and gave in. And although I would never have believed I would enjoy myself, I was having more fun than I could ever imagine.

  We played the song over and over again until we were all sweaty and gross and then we all followed Cher as she ran down the walk to the pool and jumped in, with her shoes and all of her clothes on. We all jumped in after her, splashing each other in the pool, tied down by the weight of our clothes.

  Afterwards, Mom and Alex went back to the house to change and Cher and Rusty and I sat by the pool in our drenched clothes, talking about nothing and realizing that in a short amount of time, we had formed some kind of small group.

  “Won’t it be funny twenty years from now when the three of us are like your Mom and Alex?” Cher said.

  I thought there was something both sad and happy in that statement.

  “I wish we could slow time down,” Rusty said.

  “Things change so fast. I don’t know that I’m ready for the change yet,” Cher added.

  I thought about this for a moment. “It’ll happen whether you’re ready for it or not, so sometimes it’s just easier to go along with it and not fight it.”

  “Says that man who became the dancing fool tonight,” Cher said.

  I laughed, thinking about how hard it had been for me to get up and dance and that I needed Rusty to pull me into the moment. It had been like that all of my life.

  We sat there for a while, laughing about the night and swapping funny stories about our childhoods, until our clothes were somewhat dry. Finally, Cher said she needed to get home, so we all piled into my car, but not before Rusty went up to my bedroom and said goodnight to Boo. We drove Cher home and watched her dance into her house, singing Dancing to Myself as she skipped through her front door.

  When we got to Rusty’s house, we sat in his driveway for a long time. “I wish my house was like your house,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Fun. Everyone laughing all of the time. My house is always so depressing and everyone is always talking about Mya’s medical problems. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and I know we have to talk about that stuff, but sometimes I think it would be better if we just had a normal life where everyone talked about normal, everyday things like the news or the electricity bill.”

  “My house hasn’t been like that for a long time. Actually, it wasn’t that way until I met you. Alex and Cher have helped a lot too. I guess you guys are like our new family.”

  Rusty looked over at me and smiled. “Still, I’d just like my mom to laugh sometimes,” he said. He kissed me goodnight and got out of the car. “Don’t forget, tomorrow’s my date day. I have the whole thing planned. Pick me up at noon.”

  “Gotcha,” I said and waited for him to go inside. The whole house was completely dark and within seconds, his bedroom light flicked on. I smiled, thinking of him enveloped in that great wave as I backed out of his driveway and drove home.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  That night I had a dream about Sam, which had only happened a few times since his death. Usually, he’d just be in the background and I never really interacted with him, but this time he was sitting with all of us in the kitchen at our new house, laughing and telling stories, just like we had earlier in the evening. Dad was there too.

  Sam sat with us at dinner and threw his plate above the door and yelled “Opa!”

  He danced outside with us and even allowed Rusty to take him in his arms to teach him how to salsa.

  But when we all started running down to the pool, I turned around and saw Sam standing behind at the top of the hill, turning to walk back into the house. “Sam! Come with us,” I yelled, but he just smiled and waved, giving me the thumbs up.

  And then he turned and walked inside.

  I called after him again, but he was gone.

  When I woke up, I was drenched in sweat and Boo was crying in his crate. I must have woken him up. I closed my eyes and tried to fall back asleep, but the dream was too real.

  Sam was gone.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  On the way to Rusty’s house, I stopped and bought his anniversary present, putting it in the trunk of my car. I picked him precisely at noon. Actually, 12:02 per the reading on Sam’s watch. When I got there, Rusty was skating. I watched him glide up the ramp, catch his board and land on his feet, like he had done it hundreds of times before. “Hey stranger,” he said, walking over to the car and leaning in to kiss me. “You wanna come in?”

  “Is that part of our anniversary date?” I asked.

  “No, but I think it might be nice for you to see my family too.”

  I felt bad when he said that, as if maybe we had been spending too much time at my house. “OK.”

  Inside, the house smelled like strong coffee. Rusty’s grandma stood at the kitchen counter, barely reaching the top, while she listened to the Venezuelan news on the computer. Rusty said something to her and she reached up and grabbed my cheeks, kissing me on the lips. I was so caught off guard I didn’t know what to do.

  Rusty laughed, “Don’t worry. She does that to everyone. We’re friendly people.”

  Just then, Rusty’s mom came downstairs, followed by Carlos. “Hola Danny,” she said, her accent ringing through her staccato English.

  “Hi,” I said shyly.

  “Rusty said your mother thinks
we should all have dinner sometime. I think that would be very nice.” She walked over and gave me a hug.

  “Where’s the puppy?” Carlos asked.

  I bent down to reach his level. “I didn’t bring him over today, but you can see him whenever you want.”

  “I don’t remember his name,” he said, looking up at me.

  “Boo Radley,” I answered.

  “That’s a funny name.”

  “He’s a character in a story.”

  “You should have named him Bob,” Carlos said.

  I looked at Rusty, who whispered, “He’s obsessed with Bob the Builder.”

  I nodded, “You’re probably right. I should have named him Bob.”

  “I like Boo too, I guess,” he said, walking into the kitchen.

  Rusty laughed and looked at his mom. “What time will you be back?”

  “Later this afternoon. She just needs to have some blood work done. We shouldn’t be too late.” She grabbed her purse and put it over her shoulder.

  “We’re leaving too,” Rusty said. “But I will be late.”

  “Not too late,” his mom ordered, kissing his cheek.

  Rusty grabbed his green backpack by the door as we walked outside. He had on an A’s baseball hat turned backwards with Nike high tops. Somehow, the outfit made him look tougher and I liked it. There was something about how he could just throw on whatever he liked and it always looked like it was made for him. I wished it were the same for me.

  “Where to?” I asked.

  Rusty smiled, “First your house. I need to talk to your mom for a second. Then let’s go to Starbucks. I’ve been researching these hidden menu drinks and I’m dying for a cotton candy Frappuccino. And of course I have a surprise for you.”

  “What are you up to?”

  “Just you wait,” he smirked.

  When we got to my house, Rusty instructed me to stay in the car. He ran inside and came back out a few minutes later. “OK, next stop Starbucks.”

  We went through the drive-thru and both got Cotton Candy Frappuccino’s. “Maybe we could have our own hidden menu drink,” Rusty suggested.

  “What would we call it?” I asked.

  “Hmm, how about the Dusty?”

  “The Dusty?”

  “Yeah, like Rusty and Danny together; the Dusty,” Rusty said.

  I laughed. “I like that. What would it have in it?”

  “What are your favorite ingredients?” he asked.

  “Caramel and cinnamon.”

  “And I like apple, cinnamon and nutmeg. So it would be caramel and cinnamon syrup with apple juice dusted with nutmeg?”

  “That sounds gross,” I said.

  “Yeah, it kind of does.” Rusty looked over at me. “Could I drive you today? It just feels like I should be driving if I’m taking you on the date.”

  “Sure,” I said, getting out of the car so we could exchange places. “Where are we going?”

  “How about we try something new,” Rusty said. “You just go along with the flow and not ask any questions. Just enjoy the ride.”

  I wasn’t sure if he was talking about the actual drive or life, but he was right about both. I always had a need to try and control everything by asking questions. I sat back and sipped on my drink, letting the wind whip through my hair. Rusty reached over and dug into his bag and held up a cassette. “Another mixed tape for you,” he said, taking it out and showing me the title, “Boo Radley’s Dad”. I laughed. “No B side on this one either,” he said, smiling as he slid it into the player. Lou Reed’s Walk on the Wild Side crooned through the speakers.

  Rusty drove to a pawn shop, with gates on the windows and a huge, flashing sign that read Fast Money. “Wait here. It won’t take long.”

  I was confused. “Can’t I come too?”

  “No, some things I have to do alone,” he said, laughing.

  I sat in the car in silence waiting for him to return. About ten minutes later, Rusty came out carrying a big box.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “It’s your new record player for your bedroom. My idea, but courtesy of your mom.” He pulled out a wad of money. “Here,” he said, handing me the money. “She gave this to me for today. We’re going to help you find yourself. Danny’s search for his personality and personal style.”

  I shot him a confused look. “I don’t understand.”

  He got into the driver’s seat. “I want to help you find some clothes you like and maybe some stuff for you room.” He grabbed my thigh, “Don’t be difficult. Just go along for the ride.”

  The next stop was a vintage clothing store, animated with colorful concert t-shirts hanging from every corner and jewelry sparkling in the cases. A soundtrack of a live concert of The Doors played in the background.

  “This place is fantastic,” I said.

  “Yeah, I love just coming here and walking around, even if I don’t buy anything. Look around, see if anything speaks to you.”

  I walked up and down the aisles, finally coming to a row of western shirts. There were probably about twenty different styles, all used and perfectly worn, with pearl buttons and gold thread woven through the fabric. I pulled one out and put it on over my t-shirt, looking at myself in the mirror. I liked the way the gold caught the color of my hair.

  In the corner of the mirror I saw Rusty watching me.

  “Do you like it?” I asked.

  He stood there for a minute and just looked at me in the mirror. “You are so beautiful. I am so lucky.”

  I blushed. It was one thing to hear it from your mom, but to hear something like that from someone you loved was entirely different. “So I should get the shirt?” I teased.

  He ran up and hugged me. “You are such an asshole,” he laughed. “I can’t be sweet for one second.”

  I ended up buying six western shirts and a leather bracelet. Rusty bought an original Green Day t-shirt. Then we went to a New Age store and bought candles for my room. After that, he drove me to the mall and I picked out a few pairs of Levis and a bunch of plain black t-shirts.

  “Don’t you want to get something other than black t-shirts?” Rusty asked.

  “Nope, I like black t-shirts. And anyway, isn’t this about me discovering who I am?” I said as I rolled my jeans back up above my calves.

  “Anything else you want to get while we’re at the mall? Anything else to complete your wardrobe?”

  I thought about it for a second. “I want a pair of Vans, like yours.”

  “Alright,” Rusty laughed.

  And so we bought the Vans.

  It was almost five by the time we left the mall and Rusty drove us home. “Is our date over?” I asked.

  “No, it’s just beginning.”

  When we got back to my house, we showed Mom everything I had bought. We took Boo outside and played with him in the yard until it started getting dark.

  “It’s getting darker earlier and earlier every day,” Rusty said.

  “Yeah, that’s kind of how the world works.”

  “I don’t like it. It means time is going by.” He looked sad for a minute and then laughed, “Go upstairs and put on one of your new outfits.”

  I did as I was told and changed into one of my new western shirts, a pair of cut-off jean shorts and my new vans.

  Downstairs, Rusty was sitting on a kitchen stool, reading an old copy of Rolling Stone. He had changed into a pair of blue shorts and a white vintage polo he had bought earlier in the day. His hair was parted and slicked over to the side. He looked so hot that I could hardly keep my hands off of him, so I went over and kissed the back of his neck.

  He turned around, startled. “I guess you’re ready.”

  “Yep, just let me say goodbye to Mom first,” I said.

  I walked out onto the patio to say goodbye to Mom, who was smoking a cigarette, drinking coffee and reading a worn copy of Suburban Wasteland.

  “Can I tell you a secret?” she asked, putting the book down with her finger in be
tween the pages to keep her place.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  She pointed to the book with her other hand. “I never understood this book.” She took a drag off of her cigarette. “I mean, I understand it, but I don’t get why it got so much attention.” Mom just sat there staring at the book. “I think Alex is a wonderful writer, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t even think this is his best work.”

  She looked sad, like she had just discovered some truth that she couldn’t hide from anymore.

  “We’re gonna go. Rusty’s taking me somewhere on a date.” I leaned down and kissed her cheek as she picked up the book again.

  “OK. Your old mom is just going to sit here and reread this thing for the hundredth time and find out what I missed before.”

  I smiled and walked inside.

  “Are you ready for our first official date?” Rusty asked.

  “First official? I thought we already had this conversation,” I said.

  He ran to the front door and walked outside, closing it behind him. Not even a minute later, he knocked on the door. I walked into the entryway and opened it.

  “Good evening Danny. Would you give me the honor of going on a date with me tonight?” He took a bouquet of sunflowers from behind his back and handed them to me.

  “No one’s ever given me flowers before. Not even my parents.”

  “So is that a yes?”

  “That would be a yes.” We walked into the kitchen where I found a vase for the flowers to try and preserve their blooms. “They’re beautiful.”

  “They remind me of your hair, gold and wild,” Rusty said.

  I ran upstairs and placed them on my nightstand, saying goodbye to Boo one last time.

  Rusty was waiting for me outside. “You look really cute tonight,” he said, opening the door.

  “You always look really cute. Do I get to know where we’re going?”

  “The ride. Enjoy the ride,” he said, driving away from the house.

  “Alright, alright.” I put my head on his shoulder and enjoyed the ride. He didn’t play any music. We just rode with the wind, telling each other little things about each other that we hadn’t told each other before.

  I told him about being younger and watching Sam’s Little League games on similar nights, when the air was still and the heat was thick and wet. He told me about saving up all of his money mowing lawns when he was thirteen to buy his mom a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day because she had never had a Valentine in the United States. I told him about the babysitter Dave, but he didn’t say anything. I guess there are some things people don’t know how to respond to in words, so instead, he held my hand. He told me about his dad, good things that he remembered, like going to the mountains and riding on his shoulders. I told him about Sam and how we loved to trick people by trading places with each other.