The Before Now and After Then

by Pen Name Publishing

  I looked for him everywhere at school that day and thought I saw his green backpack a few times in the crowds of people. At lunch, Cher walked with me around all of the tables and the courtyard outside, but we couldn’t find him. I texted him a few more times, but still didn’t get a response.

  “It’s over,” I said.

  “Yeah, I think you’re right,” she said. I shot her a look. “Hey, don’t get mad at me. A real friend will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.”

  “What do you think I need to hear?” I asked.

  “That it’s over. I don’t know why and it confuses me just as much as it confuses you, but I don’t get the feeling he wants to talk to you.”

  I grabbed my face with my hands, refusing to cry in school. “I just don’t get it.”

  Cher hugged me. “You’ll get through this. There are worse things.”

  And although I knew she was right, because I had in fact lived through worse things, it didn’t feel like I would survive.

  “Come on,” she said, pulling at my arm, “let’s get something to eat. I’m feeling like chocolate donuts today.”

  We got donuts and chocolate milk and sat at the same lunch table where we had been sitting when Rusty and Pat got into the fight. “When did everything change?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. Everything was great this weekend and then…”

  “No. Not with you and Rusty. With everyone,” she said, waving her hand across the cafeteria. “When did we all grow up and everything became so serious.”

  I thought back to the day I was called a homo in first grade. “I don’t know.”

  Cher bit into a donut. “Can I tell you a secret?”

  I nodded.

  “I’m really scared. I have no idea how to be an adult let alone how to be a mother.”

  “You’ll be a great mother,” I assured her.

  “Do you really believe that? Don’t just tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear.”

  I took a deep breath. “I think you’ve got to stop being afraid of things. I think that when you stand up to your fear the fear goes away.”

  “Really?” she asked.

  I laughed. “I don’t know. It sounds good.”

  “I think you might be right though. If I could just figure out what I’m so afraid of then maybe I could stand up to it.” She paused and bit into the donut again. “What are you afraid of?”

  I thought about this for a second, remembering this one time when Sam and I were in elementary school and we were walking to school on a winter morning near Christmas. We held hands in the dark, to steady ourselves on the ice. As we crossed the street, we heard something whimpering. Looking inside of the nearby drain ditch, we saw three little baby raccoons at the bottom, fear filling their eyes. They huddled against each other near the back, their coats wet from the melting snow. When I looked at their little faces, I saw the way I felt inside.

  Sam had held my hand tight and said, “See, we’ll always have each other, no matter what.” He had always been so different from me. He had always been so sure and confident. But he had been wrong.

  I looked up at Cher. “I think I’m afraid of being alone. But really, I guess I’m afraid of being alone with myself, because I’m not really sure I like myself very much.”

  Cher held her donut midair in front of her open mouth. Then she put it down. “Do you really think anyone likes themselves that much?” She wasn’t just asking a simple question, she really wanted to know.

  “Yeah, I think lots of people like themselves.”

  Cher shook her head. “Do you really see people when you look at them, Danny? I mean, really, really see people?”

  I wasn’t sure what she meant, so I just shrugged my shoulders.

  “Look around you. We’re surrounded by people who are terrified of themselves. They’re terrified of finding out who they really are because they might not like themselves and then they’re screwed.”

  I looked around the cafeteria at the hundreds of faces and wondered if they were all afraid, just like me.

  And that’s when I saw him. Rusty. He had on his A’s hat and had his green backpack slung over his shoulder He was throwing something away in the trash can and walking out into the hallway on the other side of the cafeteria. I stood up quickly and waved. For a brief second, I caught his eye and he looked at me. He didn’t smile and he didn’t wave back. He just looked at me and then walked away.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  After school, I rushed outside, hoping to find Rusty waiting for his mom, but I saw her mini-van driving away as soon as I got to the parking lot. I found my car and started to drive after them, but was stopped by Cher who was standing in my way.

  “Are you going to hit a pregnant woman?” she said, getting into the car. “I saw him get into his mom’s van. Take me home quick and then go over there and talk to him.”

  I drove Cher home and she kissed my cheek before getting out. “It’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to.”

  I had heard those kinds of things all of my life, but nothing ever turned out the way it was supposed to, at least not yet. I smiled so she would get out of my car and then I took off toward Rusty’s house.

  When I got there, I found him skating in the driveway. He didn’t stop when I parked and got out, he just kept on skating.

  “Hey,” I said, walking up to him. He didn’t say anything back to me. “Hey,” I said again, walking until I was so close that he couldn’t skate anymore.

  He picked up his board and looked down at the ground. “Hey,” he said refusing to look at me.

  I reached out and tried to touch him, but he flinched and pulled back.

  “What’s going on? I’m so confused. None of this makes any sense to me.”

  He nodded, “I know. But I don’t really know what to say or how to explain it.”

  “How about you try. I think I deserve that much.”

  He started walking up to his house. “Can’t you just accept that I’m sorry and leave it at that?”

  I grabbed his arm and turned him around. He was crying. “No!” I shouted. “I can’t accept that. It’s not fair. You give me this perfect week followed by an even more perfect weekend and then you take it all away from me?”

  “Life’s not fair, Danny. And life’s not perfect. Get over it.”

  “Hey, asshole, don’t talk to me like you’re my dad. I think I know more than anyone that life isn’t fair or perfect.”

  He looked up and stared at me hard. “Do you think you have it harder than everyone else? Do you think your pain is more real?” he asked. “I’m sorry you lost your brother, Danny, but it doesn’t mean that you’ve cornered the market on pain.” He started to walk inside.

  “I don’t deserve that and you know it! What did I do wrong? Just tell me so I can fix it.” I was yelling and sobbing at the same time. “Please, Rusty. Just tell me what I did wrong.”

  He turned and walked back to me, wrapping his arms around me. “Hey. Shh. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Then what happened? I don’t understand.”

  Rusty looked around. “Fine, let’s talk, but not here. Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere but here.”

  We got in my car and drove to Starbucks. We didn’t order drinks, we just sat in the parking lot, far away from the other cars and looked at each other. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Danny.”

  I shook my head. “Then please explain to me what is going on. I’ve texted and called you for three days and you haven’t returned any of my calls.” I wiped my eyes and looked at him, searching his eyes. “Is it over? Are we done?”

  He nodded and tears started falling down his cheeks. “Yeah, It’s over.”

  “Why? I can change. I can be whoever you want me to be,” I cried hysterically.

  “Why do you think I want you to change? You’re perfect. I love you exactly how you are. That’s the problem.”

  I was so confused.
I just stared at him with my mouth open. He wasn’t making any sense.

  “Mya was in the hospital all day Sunday and all day Monday,” he said. “They ran tons of tests, but she’s just not getting any better here.”

  I still didn’t get it.

  “She isn’t getting better here.” Rusty said. “Eventually we’ll have to move and then I’ll have to say goodbye to you, and I can’t deal with that. I can’t stand getting close to another person just to have to say goodbye.”

  And then I got it. “Is that what happened with you and your ex-boyfriend Justin?”

  Rusty nodded.

  “But we’re different. We can be different. We can make it work,” I pleaded.

  He shook his head. “How Danny? How can we make it work if I’m living in Boston, or Texas or Arizona? I don’t even know how long we’ll be there. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with. I don’t allow myself to get close to people anymore because I just end up having to say goodbye. That’s why I hated Boston. I didn’t have any friends there and all I ever did was sit in my room and dream of having some kind of future. But this is my future.”

  “Next year we’ll be done with high school and we’ll be in college. We can go wherever we want.”

  He shook his head. “Danny, you don’t get it. This is my next year, and the year after that and the year after that. Just because I graduate and go to college doesn’t mean I get to move away and leave my family. My mom needs me.”

  “But you don’t even know if you’ll end up moving. You might be here forever,” I said.

  “Danny, we move at least twice a year. We always have ever since Mya was a baby. It isn’t going to change now.”

  I looked out of the window at the traffic going by on the interstate. It was strange how life just continued to move on even though your life felt stuck in time.

  “So it’s over. You’re not even willing to give it a try.”

  “It has to be,” he said softy.

  “Well I think that’s crap. Seriously. You have issues with saying goodbye to people. Don’t you think I have issues? How about my having huge abandonment issues? First my brother dies and then my parents separate and now you break up with me. It’s not fair.”

  “I’m sorry I said what I did about Sam,” Rusty said. “You’re right. You didn’t deserve that. But this isn’t like Sam dying. You’ll get over this. You’ll get over me.”

  I turned and looked at him and started crying again. “I don’t want to get over you. I don’t want to not know you anymore.”

  Rusty didn’t say anything. He just sat back in the seat and looked out at the road. I watched him. He was shaking a little bit, like when we had been on the Ferris wheel. He’s afraid of uncertainty, I thought to myself. I started crying again. It was over. We both knew it. There was nothing I could do to change his mind.

  “So what now?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “What now? Do I get to talk to you at school? Can we text and call each other, or are we just done?”

  Rusty turned slowly and looked at me. “I think maybe it’s best if we just didn’t talk anymore. I think it would be easier for both of us.”

  I shook my head. “Why do you get to make all of the rules? You don’t even like rules.”

  He turned to me and smiled. “You’re right. I don’t.”

  I didn’t want to take him back home. I knew when I did it would be over for good. I just wanted to sit in the car next to him and never leave. “Do you remember when you asked me if I ever wanted to just keep driving forever?”

  “Yeah,” Rusty said.

  “If you asked me to go right now I would leave and never look back.”

  Rusty touched my cheek, wiping a tear away from under my eye. “You know you’ll always be the one, right?”

  “How can you say that and expect me to be OK with this?”

  “Because it’s easier this way,” Rusty said.

  “Easier for you,” I hissed.

  “Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I wouldn’t rather wait until we have to move and then do this? But I’ve done this before and it isn’t easier. It’s harder.”

  “Couldn’t you have just picked a fight with me so I could hate you and never want to talk to you again?”

  “I tried that,” Rusty said. “But you just kept driving by my house at all hours of the night and I knew eventually I would have to talk to you.”

  I smiled. He had known. “I don’t’ want to take you home, because then it’s over,” I said, crying gently.

  “I don’t want to go home either. But we have to eventually.”

  I grabbed his hand and he didn’t flinch or pull away from me. “Can we just stay here for a while?”

  He nodded, “I’d like that.” He started crying before he got it all out. It’s terrible to grow up and have to deal with grown up stuff, like death and separation, sickness and loss. And maybe we weren’t ready to deal with those things yet, even though they were being forced upon us. Maybe that was growing up.

  We just sat there for the longest time, watching the sun set and holding each other’s hands. Finally, the last glimmer of sun left the sky and we sat in the dark. I reached over, and this time, I took his face in my hands and kissed him. And he kissed me back. “I’ll miss you Rusty Gonzalez.”

  “I’ll miss you too, Danny Goldstein,” he cried.

  And then it was over.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  We had been together for approximately 12,960 minutes, but it had seemed longer. Maybe the heart doesn’t know time and some minutes feel longer than others. I missed him, but I hadn’t called him or texted him, and he hadn’t called or texted me either. Instead, I just sat in my room. I refused to go to school for the rest of the week and I refused to go to see Neil for my appointment. Mom threatened to take away my car, but I didn’t care. I didn’t have anywhere to go anyway.

  I sat in my room all weekend, not talking to anyone. From time to time, Alex or Mom would check on me but I just told them to go away. I think they were worried I was going to hurt myself, but that was the farthest thing from my mind. I already hurt enough. I just wanted to feel better.

  Cher stopped by a few times, but I told Mom I didn’t want to see her. She texted me later telling me she understood I needed space but that she couldn’t stay in school if it meant having to eat by herself. I laughed but didn’t have the energy to text her back.

  By Sunday, I think Mom was pretty worried because she had Dad come over and I could hear them talking in the kitchen. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could hear Mom raising her voice. An hour went by and they were still talking. She was accusing Dad of “it” being his fault. This went back and forth for a while, until I finally pulled myself out of bed and walked down into the kitchen, to break it up.

  “What are you guys fighting about?” I asked.

  They just stood there and looked at me, like two kids caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing.

  “We’re not fighting, honey,” Mom said. “We’re just worried about you.”

  “Cut the honey crap, Mom. I could hear you yelling at dad for the last hour. What is it that you think is his fault?”

  “It’s nothing,” Dad said, but Mom shot him a glance and started crying.

  “Nothing?” she asked. “Is that what you think of our son?”

  “That’s not what I meant,” Dad said. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

  I was confused. “If you guys are talking about me I’m really confused. Is this about me not going to school? If it will get you guys to shut up, I promise I’ll go back to school tomorrow. I’ll even go and see Neil if that will just stop you guys from fighting.”

  And then they both started crying. Dad’s legs folded to his knees and he fell down. Mom stood over him, patting his back. “I’m sorry, Rick. I should never have said it was your fault. You know that’s not true.”

  “I don’t know,” Dad
said, shaking his head. “Maybe if we hadn’t bought them the jeep like you had wanted, he’d still be alive.”

  They were talking about Sam.

  “Are you guys taking about Sam?” I asked. Both Mom and Dad looked up at me, sobbing. “Seriously? Are you fighting because you guys think you were to blame for Sam’s death? Do you really think you’re that fucking important?” I could feel all of the rage from the past few days building up inside of me. “I am so fucking tired of you guys melting down in a moment because Sam’s dead. Guess what? Shit happens and there’s nothing we can do about it.” Now I was crying. “I miss him like crazy. I think about him every day. I can’t even look in the fucking mirror without thinking about him because when I do, I see him looking back. But he’s gone and I can’t do anything about that!” I stopped for a second and caught my breath. “Now we can either continue to be a family who thinks we’ve cornered the market on pain, or we can move through this crap together. But one thing I know for sure, Sam would never have wanted this. He was funny and bright and always making people laugh. He would have been disgusted if he thought he was the cause of all of this bullshit!” I grabbed my keys off of the counter. “I’m done being sad about Sam. He wouldn’t have wanted that. He would want me to live and be happy.”

  Mom and Dad stood up and started to walk towards me. “And another thing. I’m done with all this emotional huggy bullshit too. I’m going for a drive.” I turned around and walked out, barefoot.

  I drove for a long time and thought about all of the things that had happened over the past two weeks. I drove to our old house and just sat out front, looking at the darkness inside. I wished Sam would open the door and wave at me and everything would be OK, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. And then I drove by Rusty’s house. I didn’t stop, I just drove by slowly, looking inside, wishing he would walk out and change his mind, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen either.

  And then I just drove, past the high school and past our side of town. I took country roads until I had no idea where I was anymore. I drove past small towns that only had one stoplight. I liked looking in the windows of the farmhouses, wondering what the families inside were eating for dinner. I drove even further out into the country, until the only light around was from the full moon overhead and the headlights on my car.