The Before Now and After Then

by Pen Name Publishing

  I came to a two way stop. Two signs pointed in different directions, each with the name of a city that didn’t sound familiar. I turned off the car lights and just sat for a few minutes before turning off the engine. I got out of the car and walked to the middle of the road. I looked in both directions. I had no idea where I was or how to get home. Finally, I just sat down on the gravel road and looked up at the full moon hanging directly in front of me. I had never felt so absolutely alone in my entire life.

  I sat there for a long time, taking in the smells of the country and listening to the night song of the cicada. I remembered Dad telling me when I was a kid that when the cicada sang their song, it was their way of saying goodbye to summer. Fall was right around the corner.

  So much had happened in such a short amount of time. I wasn’t the same person I had been six months before or even a week before. Life had changed me somehow and it had happened without me even noticing it. Sam had said goodbye and so had Rusty. They were both gone and they weren’t coming back. That was my reality. Goodbyes were a part of life.

  And as I sat there, listening to the cicada bid farewell to another summer, I said goodbye too.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  I didn’t go to school the next day, even though I promised I would. I was exhausted from the drive the night before and all I wanted to do was sleep. Somehow, I felt different. I was still sad, but I also had some renewed hope, like I had shed something on my drive out into the night country. Maybe I had grown up somehow, by forcing myself to look at all of those things that hurt the most. I was ready for the hurt to go away. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, but I didn’t know how to make it stop.

  It was after one by the time I went downstairs. I expected to find poppy seed muffins and jam, but instead I found a note from mom. “You have an appointment with Neil at 4. Do NOT miss it!” I laughed to myself as I read the note, thinking how hard it had been for Mom to write this letter with such determination and harshness. I picked up the pen next to the note and responded. “Yes Sir!” and smiled, thinking of her reading the note later.

  I got Boo and took him outside. He ran around the yard by himself and I felt bad for not having enough energy to play with him. I realized I hadn’t played with him much since I had gotten him and I swore to myself that I would start playing with him and letting him sleep in bed with me. I felt like I was always planning things I would do in the future instead of living in the moment like Rusty had suggested.

  Heavy clouds hung over the lake. I watched the pool sweep make its way across the lining of the perfectly clear pool, wondering what dirt it was possibly cleaning as it trailed the bottom. The dark light under the diving board looked foreboding with the coming storm, and I was tempted to turn it on just so it wouldn’t look so much like the lingering shark eye. I laughed to myself, thinking about how, since a child, I had been afraid of the dark light and the pool sweep, two seemingly normal things which I had turned into horrifying objects of destruction in my mind. I wondered why people always made non-threatening things seem so dangerous.

  Boo was becoming agitated from the oncoming storm and his whimpering let me know it was time to go inside. I showered and tried to make myself look presentable for my appointment with Neil. I had made the decision to bring along the journal Rusty had given me, thinking possibly it would be the tool I needed to finally open up to Neil. Maybe Neil could even make sense of everything for me since I couldn’t. It was worth a try.

  I was lucky that the rain didn’t start while the top was down on my car as it sat parked in the driveway. There was just enough time to get the top in place before the rain began. I really needed coffee to make it through the dreary afternoon, so I pulled through Starbucks and settled on a plain venti coffee. Just plain, like myself. Hidden menu Frappuccino’s belonged in my past.

  I got to Neil’s office a half an hour early. I sat in the parking lot, watching the rain pour down over the parked cars. Thunder cracked overhead and I could see lightening in the distance. The wind seemed to pick up speed quickly and I could feel it rocking my car in the wake of the storm.

  As I looked around the parking lot, I thought I saw mom’s car and assumed she had planned some kind of emergency family session after my screaming episode the night before, but it seemed out of character for her. She and Dad had allowed me to dictate my own sessions with Neil in hopes that I would feel like I was getting the most out of them.

  I pushed the door open, into the wind and was almost blown back into my car. At the last minute, I grabbed the journal, slammed the door shut and ran up to the building, getting drenched within seconds. Once inside the office building, I walked to the second floor and opened the door to Neil’s waiting area. It was silent inside and the door wasn’t open, so I assumed he was still with another client. I could hear him talking with someone in his private office, where he made calls and did paperwork, and I almost bolted, imagining him in there with Mom and Dad, plotting a scheme of attack.

  When the door opened, Neil walked out alone. I tried to look in the office, but it appeared empty. “Are you ready, Danny?”

  I nodded and followed him into the room where we met for our sessions.

  I sat down on the couch and looked around the room. Nothing had changed. Everything was exactly in the same place it had been since the last time we had met, and something about that seemed comforting. The windows were behind me, so I couldn’t see the storm, but I could hear it pounding its strength against the glass.

  “You haven’t been in here for a while?” Neil asked. “Your mom said you just forgot your appointments, but I got the impression maybe you just didn’t want to come in here anymore. Is that true?”

  I shrugged.

  Neil sighed. “Why won’t you let me help you?” I lifted my head and looked at Neil. Really looked at him. Why wouldn’t I let him help me? For so long I had made up so many excuses why he couldn’t help me that I hadn’t looked at the one obvious thing staring me straight in my face. Maybe he could help me. I just had to give him the chance.

  “I’m scared,” I said.

  Neil relaxed. “Scared of what?”

  “I don’t know. Myself, I guess.”

  “What about yourself are you afraid of?”

  I shrugged again. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just that I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

  “You mean in my office?”

  I shook my head. “No, here,” I motioned all around me. “I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t feel like I have anything to live for anymore.”

  Neil put his notepad and pen on the table in front of him and leaned over. “What are you saying to me, Danny?”

  “I’m not suicidal. I don’t even think about killing myself.” I was confusing things even more now. “I just feel lost.”

  Silence surrounded us. “Why don’t you start at the beginning,” Neil said. “Tell me everything.”

  And I don’t know why, but I did. I told him everything. I started way back when I was in the first grade and how I felt different than everyone else. I told him about growing up in Sam’s shadow. I talked about Sam’s death and my parent’s separation. I talked about Cher and school. And I talked about Rusty. I told him the beginning, the middle and the end. And I told him about the journal. I told him all of it, the good and the bad, because even though most of it made me hurt inside, there was so much good about all of it too. And I cried. Not just tears of pain, but tears of relief that I could finally share my story. And that’s when I realized it. This was my story. All of it.

  “Did you bring the journal in for me to see?” he asked.

  I picked up the journal from the floor and hesitantly handed it to him. Neil opened it up and read the words delicately written on the first few pages.

  “I think the journal is a beautiful gift,” Neil said. “Maybe you can write down all of your memories of you and Rusty and Sam and everything that’s happened to you before now.”

  “But the j
ournal was supposed to just be for my memories with Rusty.”

  “Things change,” Neil said, smiling at me. “I know it’s hard to hear that, but it’s true.”

  “I don’t think I like change.”

  He laughed and handed the journal back to me. “Not many of us do. But change is good. Sometimes things happen the way they’re supposed to happen.”

  “But what do I do now?”

  “You go on living. That’s the best thing you can do. And maybe someday, things will be exactly the way you want them to be.”

  I shook my head slowly. “You don’t understand.”

  Neil sat up. “I think I understand better than you think.”

  And that’s when I saw what he was holding in his hand. A red heart cut out of construction paper, exactly like the ones Rusty had used for my scavenger hunt to find Boo. Neil held it up and I saw written on it, “You’re my something to live for.”

  I had this confused look on my face. Neil turned around and opened the door. “I think you should come in here now,” he said. I saw the door of his private office open as Uncle Alex stepped out of the room and waved at me. “Would you mind if I came in and sat with you guys for a minute?” he asked.

  I shook my head, still confused. Alex sat in the chair next to Neil’s and grabbed his hand. They looked at each other and smiled. “Neil is the boy in my book,” Alex said.

  “Neil?” I had always imagined that Neil had a wife and kids at home, waiting for him to tell them stories about his crazy clients over dinner. “I don’t understand.”

  “I didn’t come home to write a book,” Alex said. “I came home for Neil. It was time.” I could see his eyes fill with tears. “Don’t give up on Rusty. You never know when he might come back to you. Maybe something will happen and he’ll realize you’re his something to live for. It took Sam dying for me to realize how short life really is and by then, I had already lost so much time. I decided I had to at least try. I couldn’t wonder what if for the rest of my life,” he said, squeezing Neil’s hand.

  “I don’t think we’re just passing through life without purpose,” Neil said. “I think maybe our purpose is love and we’re too blind to see it. Maybe Rusty is your purpose.” He looked at Alex, “He’s right. Never give up on love. Don’t give up on Rusty. Not yet.”

  “But what do I do? How do I get him back?”

  Alex laughed, “That took me twenty years to figure out.”

  “I don’t want to wait twenty years.”

  “Love doesn’t know time,” Alex said. “Things happen when they’re supposed to happen. Rusty didn’t break up with you because he doesn’t love you. He broke up with you because he’s afraid.” He looked over at Neil. “I know all too well what that’s like.”

  “So I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to be with me again? What if that never happens?”

  “Danny, I would think you, more than anyone, would have figured out by now that there are some things in this world that just happen and we can’t figure them out. We can’t change the outcome. We just have to keep on living.” He leaned back in his chair. “It’s like with musicians. When they’re happy, they rock out and roar with the crowd. When they’re sad, they put their emotions into their songs, but they never give up on the music. Even when they’re gone, the songs keep playing.”

  Neil got up and walked into his private office.

  “Are you going to be OK?” Alex asked.

  “Yeah, it still hurts, but I think I’m going to be OK,” I said, not really sure I believed it.

  We stood up and Alex hugged me. He didn’t let go for a long time, “I love you kiddo. You’re one of the best people I know.”

  Alex told me he would see me later at home and then he and Neil said goodbye to me. I walked out to my car in the rain.

  Inside, I just sat there for a long time, unsure of what to think. I turned on the stereo and started playing the first mixed tape Rusty had made for me. I wanted the music to live on forever.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  As I drove home, the storm got worse. Hail began to hit the top of my car and it was so loud I thought it might rip open the canvas. I thought about my session with Neil and my talk with Alex. I didn’t feel much better, but I didn’t feel any worse either. Actually, that wasn’t true. I did feel a little bit better. At least now I had some hope for the future.

  At each stop light, the car behind me stopped within inches of my bumper. I was a little worried that it would slide and hit me on the wet road, so I sped up and tried to put some distance between us, but when I did, the other car sped up and stayed just as close. I felt like I was being followed. Finally, at a red light, I looked in the rearview mirror at the car, a red BMW, and saw Pat Jones staring right back at me. I wondered why Pat Jones would be following me.

  I made a quick left turn, to put my paranoia to rest, but Pat turned left too and kept on following me. I was getting close to home and I wasn’t sure what to do. Alex had mom’s car so I assumed that meant she was home, although she hadn’t been there when I left so I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to go home and have Pat follow me there without anyone else being there. Even though Pat had never done anything to me physically, he had hurt Rusty and I was afraid of him.

  My heart started to race and I felt a little lightheaded. I decided to drive by Cher’s house. I called her twice, but she didn’t answer either time. When I got there, her mom’s car was gone and the house looked dark. I was afraid to stop the car because Pat might get out and chase me to the front door. I just wanted to be at home.

  Pat was still close behind me and I knew I would never be able to lose him. My palms began to sweat and I could almost feel my heartbeat through my chest. I thought my best bet was to make it back to my house and run inside and lock the doors until Mom got home. Surely, Pat wouldn’t break into our house.

  I picked up my phone and called mom, but she didn’t answer. I left her a message to call me as soon as possible. Then I called Alex but his phone went right to voice mail. I didn’t leave a message. Instead, I threw the phone onto the passenger seat and kept on driving. My hands were shaking as they gripped the steering wheel, slick with sweat. I wasn’t even sure why I was so afraid. What could Pat possibly do to me that was so bad? Call me more names? Beat me up? What did I really have to be afraid of except more of what I had already been dealt? But I was. It was the uncertainty that terrified me, like how Rusty had felt on the Ferris wheel.

  The storm thrashed at my car. I looked at Sam’s watch. 5:25. Rusty would definitely be home from school by now. Maybe he would let me come by his house. I picked up my phone from the passenger seat and called him. It rang five times and then went to his voice mail. “Come on Rusty.” I said out loud, watching Pat in my rearview mirror. I was almost home. If I was going to turn around and go back to Rusty’s, I would have to do it now. I called him back and it rang three times before he finally picked up.

  “I thought we agreed it would be best if you didn’t…”

  I cut him off. “I know but…”And then he hung up.

  I quickly called him back, but it went straight to his voice mail. This time, I left a message. “Rusty, please listen to this message. I’m not calling to get you back or anything. I mean, nothing would make me happier, but…I think Pat Jones is following me. I’m not really sure what he wants. Maybe he’s just trying to scare me. No one is at my house and I’m a little afraid of going back there right now by myself. If you get this message, please call me.”

  I ended the call and threw the phone back on the passenger seat, just as I pulled into my driveway. As I did, Pat’s red BMW pulled in right behind me. I parked the car and turned it off quickly. I ran up to the front door, but Pat was close behind me. I couldn’t get the key in the lock quick enough and before I knew it, Pat was standing right behind me, yelling at me.

  “Hey faggot,” he said, his voice thundering, even with the background of the strong wind. I stood by the fro
nt door, my hand shaking as I tried to get the key into the lock. I dropped my keys and tried to pick them up, but Pat was right on top of them. He picked them up and dangled them in front of me. “You want these?” he said, laughing. He started walking backwards around the side of the house, twirling the keys around his finger. “Come on Danny. Come and get what you want,” He taunted as the rain drenched the both of us and the wind lashed our hair in our faces.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked, fear gripping my voice.

  Pat stopped. He was a few feet from the pool. He smiled the most disgusting smile I had ever seen in my entire life, and then he threw the keys over his shoulder. They flew high in the sky, finally resting on the very end of the diving board. Brushing the wet hair out of my eyes, I looked at the keys, thinking I could run for them and still make it inside. “Don’t even think about it,” Pat said, almost snarling.

  “What are you going to do me?”

  “I’m not sure yet,” he yelled over the wind, “but I can’t just let you, your bitch mom and your spic boyfriend get away with what you did to me.”

  I laughed. “What we did to you? You started all of this, Pat.”

  He shook his head. “You should have just let things go. He and I fought each other and settled things. He should have just taken his punishment.”

  “For what? Protecting me?” The rain was coming down so hard that we had to shout to hear each other even though we were so close. “What would you do if someone was making fun of your girlfriend?”

  He laughed, “That’s completely different.”

  I started walking toward the diving board, but he cut me off. I repositioned myself and ran around the other side of the pool, being careful not to slip on the wet cement. Pat followed closely behind until I was a few feet from the diving board. I either had to make a move for it or he was going to attack me. There weren’t any other options.