Comet Chaos

by Lucy Courtenay

  “I told you not to hire Bigbutt!” Crabba protested. “I told you not to trust him!”

  “You’re just as bad,” snapped Dark Wader. “When will we be leaving this planet?”

  “I’ve found the thruster buttons,” said Crabba. “We’ll be taking off any minute now.”

  The spaceship’s engines finally jumped into life, purring like a powerful golden lion. Dark Wader glared out at the icy expanse of the moon of Serac as it dropped away outside the Lovely Loot’s windows.

  “Where to?” asked Crabba.

  “I pay YOU to do the thinking around here!”

  “You don’t pay me anything,” Crabba complained.

  Dark Wader pressed a button on the control panel, bringing up a map of the surrounding stars. “Where would those penguins go?” he muttered. “Where? Where?”

  “We could put a message out on the intergalactic web,” said Crabba.

  Dark Wader clapped his flippers with a clang. “I have it! I’ll put a message out on the intergalactic web!” He started typing furiously.

  “I don’t know how you come up with these ideas, boss,” said Crabba in a sarcastic voice.

  A reply came flying back within moments.

  “Ha!” said Dark Wader. He rubbed his flippers together with a grinding noise. “Coordinates for this Ba-Ghin, Crabba!”

  “Other side of the galaxy,” said Crabba.

  Dark Wader hissed with irritation. “Of course it is. When have the Space Penguins ever made things easy for me? How long will it take us to get there?”

  “If we use the Lovely Loot’s hyperspace drive, we’ll be there in ten minutes,” said Crabba. He patted the device set into the gleaming control panel. “Did you forget we had one?”

  “Pengbots never forget,” said Dark Wader, who clearly had forgotten. “I will trap the Space Penguins like sprats in a net. I will gut them like the fish they love eating so much. I will grind their beaks to powder and scatter it to the wind. I will win!”

  “Here’s hoping,” said Crabba, as he pressed the hyperdrive button. He didn’t say exactly what he was hoping for.

  The Tunafish was making scary noises. It shuddered and grunted, clanked and creaked and squealed like a rusty dustbin. Rocky was battling hard with the joystick, his eyebrows plastered to his head with the effort of keeping the ship under control. Rocks and particles of ice hurtled past the window.

  “Amber alert,” said ICEcube. “Ship in danger of disintegrating. Crew in impending danger of death.”

  “It’s taken us a day and a half to get here, and now you’ve steered us right into the comet’s tail, Rocky!” Splash shouted, hanging on to his seat for dear life. “If we crash and wreck the Tunafish, I will recircuit your head!”

  “It’s a shortcut,” Rocky panted. “This way, we’ll reach Bumbl-B a day before the comet does. A little gratitude would be nice.”

  “Steer us away from this thing, Rocky!” Splash shouted. “NOW!”

  “Mayday,” said ICEcube calmly. “Imminent threat of catastrophe.”

  With a mighty heave of the joystick, Rocky pulled the Tunafish out of the great comet’s tail. The little ship was spinning and lurching and groaning at the seams, but somehow still flying.

  “Estimated time of arrival on Bumbl-B, ten hours,” said Rocky, holding on to the juddering joystick with both his flippers and his feet. “Assuming the Tunafish makes it.”

  Fuzz whooped and flapped his flippers. “Pickle my parrotfish, this is one crazy ride!” he yelled. “I love it!”

  “Planet Bumbl-B approaching,” said ICEcube ten hours later, to the penguins’ relief.

  The Tunafish limped and groaned towards the looming grey surface of the planet beneath them. As Rocky engaged the landing gear, the Tunafish’s tailfin dropped off, causing the little ship to spin round in a terrifying downwards spiral.

  “Everything’s under control,” Rocky panted. “But brace positions would be sensible…”

  With a CRRRUNCH, the Tunafish hit the grey dust of the planet beside its tailfin. Fuzz’s saucepan-cupboard door fell off, sending pots and pans flying across the cabin. The pantry door followed. Sieves, whisks, frying pans, flobber pods, whistleberries, thostril nostrils and other assorted ingredients settled on the floor, all lightly dusted with ponkle powder.

  “Clean. Tidy,” said Marin-9. “Put away.”

  Captain Krill unbuckled himself and patted down his flippers. “Everyone alive?” he said.

  “Whoo!” Fuzz shouted. Rocky and Splash nodded shakily.

  Splash slid the tablet into the toolbox balanced on his feet. The Space Penguins unsealed the cabin door.

  “Are you coming, Rocky?” Captain Krill asked.

  “Right behind you,” said Rocky, holding his green eyebrow comb. “I’m just going to freshen up. You know, Fuzz, that whistleberry whip may have tasted like soap, but I think it’s made my eyebrows thicker. I’ll catch up with you in a minute.”

  Waving their flippers in front of their beaks to clear the swirling grey dust, Captain Krill, Splash and Fuzz stepped out of the ship and looked around. Bumbl-B’s landscape rose and fell very gently, as if forming proper hills was too exhausting. The blazing comet lit up the sky like a glittering firework, speeding along its deadly path towards the planet.

  As the dust began to clear, strange figures loomed into view. They were tall and slim, with striped bodies and wings that drooped down their backs like transparent cloaks. Their eyes were purple, and sharp spikes stuck out of their bottoms. Holding long thin guns smelling powerfully of honey, they were watching the penguins as curiously as the penguins were watching them.

  “I wonder how they sit down?” Fuzz whispered to Splash.

  “Very carefully,” Splash whispered back.

  The tallest creature stepped forward with a rustle of wings. “Leave this place,” he said, in a harsh, buzzing voice.

  “We’re uninjured, you winged winkle, thanks for asking,” said Fuzz.

  “We’ll leave as soon as we can fix our ship’s tailfin, sir,” Captain Krill tried. “It won’t take long. But first we have some questions about a wax tablet that we found—”

  The buzzing grew louder.

  “Our last visitors stole a priceless artefact from our planet,” rasped the tall one. “We no longer trust visitors. Bumbl guards? Arrest the intruders.”

  “Yes, Commander.”

  A line of Bumbls broke through the ranks, their stings bristling like spears.

  “Look,” Splash tried, “there’s no need for—”

  “Ninja PENGUIN!” Fuzz screamed. He sped towards the Bumbl guards, his flippers a furious blur.

  One of the guards lifted his gun and fired a sweet-smelling stream of golden liquid all over Fuzz. SPLURGE! It stopped the penguin in his tracks.

  “Hey!” Fuzz shouted, struggling through the gloop. “What’s with the honey gun? This is no way to treat a guest!”

  “Stickify the other two,” the commander buzzed.

  Two more jets of golden liquid drenched Captain Krill and Splash where they stood. It was sweet and impossibly squelchy.

  “No one stickifies the Fuzzmeister!” Fuzz pecked the nearest guard in the belly. The guard fired more honey at him.

  “Now I’m REALLY cross,” Fuzz said furiously.

  He tipped over and rolled through the grey dust towards the guards. They went down like stripy nine-pins. SPLURGE! went the honey guns one last time.

  “You half-baked hornets!” Fuzz yelled, covered in honey, grey dust and more honey. “You skinny skunks! You… You…”

  “I can’t move,” Splash complained.

  Captain Krill tried and failed to lift his flippers as the buzzing guards surrounded them, their purple eyes glinting. “Please, gentlemen, we come in peace, there’s no need to—”

  “Sorry for the delay,” said Rocky, suddenly appearing in the exit hatch of the Tunafish with his eyebrows neatly combed. “What did I miss?”

  The Bumbls stopped buzzing and
gaped at Rocky.

  “Why are you covered in honey, guys?” Rocky said into the shocked silence.

  A light breeze ruffled his eyebrows, making the yellow feathers gleam in the light from the comet. They really did look thicker.

  “The prophecy!” said the commander in a buzzy gasp. “We are saved!”

  And the Bumbls fell to the dusty ground before Rocky’s webbed feet.

  The Lovely Loot landed smoothly beside the Tunafish in the gentle grey landscape of Bumbl-B.

  “I told you the space nav would find the Space Penguins like it did last time,” chortled Dark Wader, gliding down the Lovely Loot’s ramp. “You really must learn to believe me in future, Crabba.”

  Crabba gnashed his claws in frustration.

  “The penguins have gone,” said Dark Wader, peering through the open door. He smiled at the Tunafish’s broken tailfin. “But it looks like they had a rough landing. And I do hope they got into trouble with the locals. According to the intergalactic web,” he continued, “Bumbls are armed and dangerous. We must give them no reason to attack us, Crabba. Their honey guns could wreck my circuits. They were extremely difficult to replace after that unfortunate incident on the planet Flogiston. Not beyond my powers, but difficult none the less. I astonish myself sometimes.”

  Crabba wished most heartily that the Bumbls would attack his boss.

  “We must hide the Lovely Loot,” said Dark Wader. “And hunt those Space Penguins down.”

  “You mean I must hide the Lovely Loot,” Crabba said sourly.

  “I can’t do everything, Crabba,” said the pengbot.

  Crabba covered the Lovely Loot with grey dust. The finished result was a cross between a sand dune and a raincloud.

  “We shall go that way,” said Dark Wader, pointing over the gentle hills in front of them.

  “There’s a big golden building behind us,” Crabba couldn’t help saying, as he shook grey dust from his claws. “Maybe we should try looking there.”

  “But first,” said Dark Wader, raising one metal flipper, “we are going to investigate the big golden building behind us. Which I spotted some time before you did. Come along, you pea-brained pilchard. We’re wasting time.”

  The pengbot glided at full speed towards the round building. Crabba scuttled after him as fast as his little legs allowed.

  “Can I ride on your shoulder, boss?” he panted. “It’s a long way…”

  “You can walk,” Dark Wader said, gliding on. “You don’t get nearly enough exercise. What use is a fat crab to a master villain like myself?”

  “Our visit to this planet has got off to an excellent start, team,” said Captain Krill stickily, as the penguins swayed in a large golden carrier raised on the shoulders of four Bumbl guards. “We’ll solve the mystery of the wax tablet faster than I can clap my flippers.”

  “No need to thank me,” Rocky said.

  “We won’t,” muttered Splash. He was even stickier than the Captain.

  Fuzz licked the honey off his feathers. “This stuff tastes great once you get past the dust,” he said. “I’m going to use it to make a cake for these guys.”

  “I’m the prophecy around here,” said Rocky. “Make me a cake first.”

  Hundreds of Bumbls lined the route towards a shimmering palace. “Prophecy,” they buzzed in excitement as the penguins passed. “Prophecy, prophecy.”

  Even more eager-looking Bumbls were gathered in front of a great golden temple beside the palace gate. Rocky waved, smoothed his eyebrows, and waved again.

  “You’re enjoying this too much,” said Splash, as the penguins were carried through the gate, into the palace and down a long golden corridor.

  “You’re just jealous you’re not the prophecy,” Rocky answered.

  The Bumbls set down the carrier and the penguins climbed out. It was hard not to stare at the vast honey-coloured room with its hexagonal doors and windows.

  “What is this prophecy anyway?” Fuzz asked, dusting down his feathers.

  “The prophecy states that in our time of greatest need, a bird god will come among us and open the portal to a new world,” said a high, buzzing voice. “You are more welcome than you know.”

  A very large Bumbl with a golden body was sitting on a throne at the far end of the room. A glittering crown was perched on her slim striped head.

  Captain Krill, Splash and Fuzz bent so low before the Bumbl Queen that their beaks touched the ground. Rocky was too busy staring at the wall behind the queen to bow.

  “That’s me!” he said.

  A huge wall carving of a rockhopper penguin with prominent eyebrows towered above them. It matched the image on the wax tablet exactly.

  Splash opened the egg-shaped toolbox he kept tucked under his tummy and took out the tablet. “This brought us here, Your Majesty,” he said, as he waddled towards the throne. “Do you recognize it?”

  The queen took the tablet from Splash’s outstretched flippers. “This sacred Bumbl tablet was stolen by vistors to this planet several years ago,” she said, nodding. “It is fitting that the bird god brings it home.”

  “Bird god,” buzzed the Bumbls gathered around the throne.

  “What do the pictures mean, Your Buzziness?” Fuzz asked.

  “You have seen the comet that threatens us,” said the queen. “When it strikes us tomorrow, Bumbl-B will vanish forever. But the prophecy states that the bird god will save my people and take us to a new world.”

  Earth, the Captain thought. He hoped.

  “A thousand years ago, our ancestors left the planet of our origins and brought us here,” said the queen. “Now, alas, it is time to move on again.” She touched the picture of Rocky. “The bird god,” she stated. She stroked the comet with its jagged tail. “The end of the old world.” She pointed at the Earth-like planet. “And the start of the new. Only the bird god can open the portal to this place and save my people.”

  “A portal is a kind of door, right?” said Fuzz.

  “A gateway through time and space,” the queen replied. “Only the bird god can open it.”

  Rocky flipped back his eyebrows and struck a pose.

  “I don’t suppose you have to sacrifice him to open this portal?” Splash asked hopefully.

  “There will be a ceremony,” said the queen. “A challenge for the bird god.”

  For the first time, Rocky looked nervous. “What kind of challenge?”

  “You’ll be fine, bird god,” said Splash. “Bird gods can do everything.”

  “The challenge will be met,” the queen said. “The portal will open. The bird god will take us to our new planet.”

  “We believe the planet is called Earth, Your Buzziness,” said Captain Krill. “We’d like to come, too. It’s our home planet.”

  “Then we shall share it,” said the queen. “But first we must have the ceremony. The bird god is our only chance.”

  And her purple eyes looked so hopeful that it was hard for the penguins to hold her gaze.

  “Earth?” hissed Dark Wader furiously. “They’re going back to Earth?”

  There had been so much bustling around the Space Penguins that no one had noticed the villainous pengbot and his crab companion as they sneaked through a side door and into the throne room to hide behind a pillar.

  Dark Wader stared at the great carved penguin on the wall behind the queen. “It’s not fair,” he said in a jealous voice.

  “I want to go back to Earth. I want to be a bird god. I’d be much better at it than that dimwitted rockhopper.”

  “You’re an Emperor penguin, boss,” said Crabba. “Emperors don’t have eyebrows.”

  Dark Wader’s eyes gleamed. “These guys want eyebrows?” he said. “I’ll give them eyebrows. I’ll be the bird god and I’ll go to Earth instead of those feathered seal snacks. And then I’ll rule over the entire world from my Antarctican HQ!”

  “I suppose you want me to sabotage the Tunafish so the penguins explode with the rest of this planet when the
comet strikes,” said Crabba.

  “And I want you to sabotage the Tunafish so the penguins explode with the rest of this piddly planet when the comet strikes, Crabba,” said Dark Wader with glee. “And then, at last, I will have WON!”

  For a planet in its last day of existence, Bumbl-B had plenty of food. From their places at the long golden banqueting table, the penguins gaped at the honey cakes, honey sweets, honey bread and honey fruit piled around them. Goblets of honey wine stood at each place.

  “I don’t suppose any of this food has fish in it?” said the Captain.

  “Live a little, Captain,” Fuzz suggested. “Try some honey tart.” He reached towards a shining golden dish.

  “The food is for the bird god,” said a familiar rasping voice. The Bumbl commander was glaring at them from the other side of the table.

  “All of it?” said Fuzz.

  “The bird god eats first,” said the commander.

  “Shame you don’t have brows, guys,” said Rocky. He helped himself to a pile of honey sweets.

  Captain Krill felt relieved. He didn’t enjoy foreign food. But Fuzz was furious.

  “You might be a bird god, Rocky,” he complained, “but I’m the Fuzzmeister. And don’t you forget it!”

  Rocky drank the honey wine and munched on the honey bread and waved at the Bumbls as they chanted, “Bird god! Bird god! All hail to the bird god!”

  “I wonder what challenge Rocky has to do at the ceremony tomorrow?” said Splash.

  “Yum, yum,” Rocky taunted, putting two honeyed bananas in his beak at the same time. “Yum, yum, yum.”

  “I hope it’s really hard,” Fuzz sniffed.

  As the evening wore on, the buzzing of Bumbl conversation was starting to give Rocky a headache. He’d eaten and drunk way too much.