Caught in Your Wake

by Darien Cox

  Life before Ogden had been painful. Living his life for Ogden was all he knew now. For the cause. For the good of humanity. It all used to feel so important, so relevant, so crucial. As it should. He didn’t want to stop being involved in this work. But suddenly he felt like it all meant nothing if he couldn’t also have Tim.

  You can’t have Tim. Not YOU, Tyler Marchant. His soul is pure and yours is stained.

  “Shut up,” he muttered aloud. His stomach twisted. He would fight this. He had to somehow convince himself that the past didn’t matter. That he deserved this thing that was new and good and pure. That he could stop looking back and move forward. Forgive himself.

  There’s no forgiving what you’ve done.

  “Shut the fuck up!”

  His hands trembled so he pulled the car over. For ten minutes, he rested his head on the steering wheel, calming himself. Rolling down the windows, he let the sweet, wood-scented air of the village into his lungs. Inhaling that mix of pine and smoke, he felt better, determined even. He’d been fighting for others since joining Ogden’s team when he was sixteen. But he’d fought for himself once. He would do so again now, come what may.

  With that thought, he put the car in gear and headed down the road again, pulling into Tim’s driveway minutes later. He immediately spotted Tim’s summer-blond hair as he stuffed something into the trash bin outside his garage, turning around when he heard the car. Tim’s smile was stunning, and he looked sexy in faded jeans and a blue polo shirt. He started toward Tyler, then stopped dead when Tyler got out of the car with his gun. “Holy shit, Tyler!”

  “Sorry. I’ll put it away once we go inside. I just feel more comfortable having it with me.”

  “I’m not talking about the gun, I’m actually getting used to that. I meant holy shit look at you! You look so good tonight.” He leaned in and gave Tyler a kiss. “And damn, you smell great. Come inside.”

  Thank you, Elliot. They went into the house and Tyler leaned the gun against the wall beside the front door. Tim’s living room smelled like lemons and everything looked freshly polished and vacuumed. “You cleaned.”

  “It does happen sometimes.” Tim tugged Tyler into his arms. “I want you to like being here.”

  “I do like being here. Kind of like being anywhere you are.”

  “Yeah? Then it’s a damn shame you’re gonna be leaving the village soon.”

  Tyler’s thoughts seized up as a pit rose in his stomach. He told himself to say something but no words came out.

  “Shit.” Tim released him. “I went too far with that one, didn’t I?”

  “No!” The word came out loud, and Tim raised an eyebrow. “Sorry. No. I agree. I mean, that it’s a shame.”

  “You hungry? Come on into the kitchen.”

  Tim left the room, and Tyler sighed, hanging his head. Five minutes in and he was already screwing up this date. He followed Tim into the kitchen and stopped, surprised to see the table. Candles. Flowers. Nice dishes and wine glasses. “Oh, wow. This looks beautiful.”

  “Have a seat. You want wine?”

  “Sure.”

  Tim poured the wine, then opened the oven, pulling out a tray and setting on the stovetop. “I’ve been keeping it warm so I hope it’s not too dry. You like lasagna? It’s one of the few things I manage to make taste good.”

  “Yeah, sounds great. This is great, thank you.”

  Tim smirked at Tyler as he grabbed his plate. “Will you relax?”

  “I am relaxed.”

  “I made you uncomfortable with my comment about you leaving the village. I’m sorry. I did want to talk to you about all that tonight but I didn’t mean to jump the gun and ambush you as soon as you walked through the door.” He set Tyler’s plate back down, now full with a thick piece of steaming lasagna. “Be careful, that’s hot.”

  “I’m not uncomfortable.”

  “Don’t fib, Tyler. I know when you’re trying to placate me.” Tim sat down beside him with his own plate, then lifted his wine glass. “A toast. To honesty. Can we have nothing but, tonight?”

  Tyler clinked Tim’s glass with his. “To honesty. I’ll do my best.”

  They both drank, eyes locked. Tim said, “Eat. Please. Enjoy.”

  The lasagna was delicious, and Tyler was happy for the distraction of eating it. Because Tim was right—he was uncomfortable. Tim looked so good to him it was painful, and this nice dinner was so sweet. No one had ever made him dinner before. Not in a romantic way. He was moved. And inside, he was on the same page as Tim. He wanted to talk about what would happen between them when he was called back by Ogden.

  And yet, Tyler was a malfunctioning robot once again. He could almost feel gears jamming inside him, synapses misfiring. And he needed to snap out of it. He took a large gulp of wine, then another.

  Tim smiled at him, eyebrows raised. “Good wine?”

  “I hate that I can’t talk to you sometimes. Especially the times when I really want to. I hate it. I hate that about myself.”

  “Hey, don’t do that. It’s all right, Tyler.”

  “It’s not.” He shook his head. “I have this thing inside that tells me to run away, to shut it all down. But it’s not because I don’t want it. Just the opposite. I want it too much. But the thing inside me says I don’t deserve it.”

  “Why would you think you don’t deserve it? And am I right in assuming you’re referring to me?”

  “Yes, you. I want you, Tim. I want to sit here and tell you I can do it. That I can make it happen. And you’ve been so understanding with my shit. But this thing I have inside me, this shame, I can’t control it. I keep thinking I’ve got it under my thumb but then it just...” His breath shuddered. “It takes control. Stops me from saying what I want to say to you. It won’t let me have this.”

  “Hey, it’s okay.” Tim pushed back his chair and slid closer to Tyler, grabbing his hand. “What do you have to be ashamed of?”

  “Things from the past.”

  “Is this about the Greys?”

  He nodded, lips tightening as pressure pushed against the back of his eyes, threatening to spill over in tears. He took a deep breath and forced them back. “Yeah. It’s about them.”

  “You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you had to do to escape them.”

  “That’s not all I did.”

  “No? Then what? Ty, you can talk to me.”

  His stomach trembled. This was not what he’d planned to talk about tonight. This was not what he planned to talk about ever. So why was it coming out now? His plan had been to learn to live with it, to move past it, not confess it to the last person he wanted to think less of him. Tim asked for honesty a minute ago, but Tyler hadn’t planned on giving it to him. Not fully. Not like this.

  He was terrified suddenly, because he could feel that it was coming out regardless, like vomit from a stomach bug, no way to hold it in now. And he was about to lose Tim. Because there was no way he could get past this. No way he’d look at Tyler the same afterward. But however strong the self-loathing voice inside him was, Tim’s influence was even stronger. Ever since Tyler came back to the village, he’d felt the force of it, a thread being pulled with every kiss, every touch, every intimate whisper. It was unraveling him, pulling him apart, drawing out his truths.

  “I’m not a good person, Tim.”

  Tim frowned. “Bullshit! Of course you are.”

  “No. You’re the good person. You haven’t done bad things. You don’t deserve to get stuck with someone like me.”

  “I want to be stuck with you. I’d love to be stuck with you. And just because I’ve never committed violence doesn’t mean I’m a freaking saint. I’ve hurt people over the years. Been selfish. Arrogant. I’ve lied. Cheated. Been oblivious to other people’s feelings. We come from different worlds, Ty, but just because mine is more benign doesn’t make me the good one. It’s about what’s inside, and I see nothing but good in you.”

  “I killed babies,” Tyler whispered.
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br />   “What?”

  Tyler was so stunned that the words had actually come out of his mouth, for a moment he questioned if they had. If he’d actually said them, finally, out loud after all these years. Tim was frowning at him like he must have heard him wrong. Or maybe he didn’t hear him at all. Maybe Tyler could pretend he hadn’t said the words.

  But a tide was rising inside him. Welling up and spilling over after years in captivity, it broke free from the dam of silence. “I killed babies.” His voice caught, but he said it again. “I killed babies, Tim.”

  Tim’s hand rested on Tyler’s shoulder, soft, gentle. “What are you talking about?”

  “The dream I told you about. Walking through a pet shop. Looking in the cages.”

  “I remember.”

  “The Greys put it there to overlay another memory. They...” He felt the first hot tears spill onto his cheeks and swatted them away. His throat tightened and his stomach began to tremble uncontrollably.

  “Hey.” Tim wrapped his arms around him. “Come here. Down here.”

  He gently pulled Tyler off the chair and sat them both on the floor. Leaning against the wall, he shifted behind Tyler and wrapped his arms tightly around him. Tyler’s tears were coming harder now and he knew Tim could feel him shaking. Losing control. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “Tell me what happened,” Tim said. “It’s all right. You’re safe.”

  “They weren’t cages with birds in them.”

  “What were they?”

  “Chambers. Babies growing in chambers. They were...simulated wombs.”

  “Okay.” Tim squeezed him tighter.

  “They were mine.” A sob hitched his back.

  “What do you mean they were yours?”

  “The Greys would use this tool to force me to orgasm and they’d steal my sperm. They used it to make hybrid babies. Mixed with their own genetic material. They’d walk me past the row of chambers to show me. Telling me the babies were mine, and that they were healthy. That they were going to be born soon. Acted like that should fucking please me.”

  “Jesus,” Tim said softly. “Ty...”

  “I killed them.” A sob barked out of him. “Before I crashed the ship. Right after I killed the Greys, I kicked over all the chambers and smashed them and made sure they were dead. They were grotesque and obscene and wrong but they were mine and I killed them. I killed my babies, Tim. I killed them all.”

  After that, everything was spinning. Sobbing so hard his throat hurt, the room became hazy through his tears. He started hyperventilating and Tim forced his head between his knees. “Breathe. Deep and slow, Tyler. Just breathe, honey. It’s okay. Just breathe.”

  Tyler must have been delusional, because there was no way Tim had just called him honey. No way he wasn’t recoiling after what Tyler just confessed.

  But Tim wasn’t recoiling. He was rubbing Tyler’s back. When Tyler could breathe again, Tim’s arms wrapped around him, rocking him back and forth. They stayed like that, silent for a long time. Eventually, softly, Tim asked, “Is that why they kept taking you?”

  “Yes,” he rasped, then wet his lips.

  “I’m so sorry, Ty.”

  “They said I was perfect. I found out later what that meant. From Ogden. Only a small percentage of humans have DNA compatible with the Greys. Ogden thinks their race is slowly dying. That’s why they’re always experimenting with various hybrids. Testing species’ ability to meld with others. Searching for a way to...put themselves in the mix.”

  “I’m so sorry, Tyler. So, so sorry you went through that.”

  Tyler shifted and looked Tim in the eye. “Do you hate me now?”

  “Hate you?” He grimaced. “Of course not.”

  “But I...” He gulped back a sob, trembling as the pain and horror of the memory flooded through him. “One of the babies had my nose and chin.” His lips quivered. “It had the eyes of a Grey but it...it fucking looked like me. They were innocent and I...” His back hitched as the tears came again. “I fucking murdered them! What kind of person could do that? What am I?”

  Tim pulled him onto his lap, holding him tight. “You’re a rape victim. That’s what you are.”

  Tyler wiped his nose, blinking tears away. “They never...they didn’t have sex with me.”

  “They forced you to ejaculate. They raped you. They violated your mind and your body. They took from you. They were monsters. Monsters from another world and they kidnapped you and tortured you repeatedly. Nothing, and I mean nothing you did under those circumstances is on you, Tyler.”

  Tyler clasped his hands together to stop the trembling. “It’s not?”

  “No, Jesus! Didn’t you ever...didn’t Ogden get you therapy or something? Did no one ever help you with this?”

  “I talked to some doctors but they never...no one ever said this to me. These things you’re saying.”

  “Well, they should have. They fucking should have.”

  Tyler wiped his eyes and looked into Tim’s. “I’m not a bad person?” he whispered.

  “The fact that you can even think that after what you went through proves you to be just the opposite.”

  Emotion still controlled his body, making his hands tremble, and his eyes couldn’t seem to stop leaking. But somewhere inside, a weight lifted. He’d heard the term used as a metaphor, but he could actually feel it, something heavy rising up and out of his body, leaving him lighter. The shame-golem was silent. Perhaps it hadn’t been holding him hostage after all. Perhaps he’d been the one holding it hostage. And he’d just released it at long last.

  The quiet and the rocking was soothing. Tim didn’t seem in any hurry to move. He just held Tyler and rocked him until his tears dried up and his breathing became normal again.

  Tim got up for only a moment, grabbing the bottle of wine off the table, then he sat back down next to Tyler, wrapping his arm around him. For the next twenty minutes, they didn’t speak. They sat in perfect silence and just passed the bottle back and forth. The quiet, the wine, Tim’s warmth, it all served to calm Tyler in a way he couldn’t remember being in years, maybe ever.

  Eventually, Tim asked, “Are you all right? You need anything?”

  “I’m okay. I...I feel better.”

  Tim smiled and stroked Tyler’s chin. “I’m so glad.”

  Tyler was surprised to see Tim’s eyes glistening. “Did I upset you?”

  “I just don’t like seeing you in pain.”

  Tyler looked away, because he didn’t like seeing Tim in pain either. Suddenly he chuckled. “Look. We’re back on the kitchen floor.”

  Tim snorted. “So we are. Back where we started months ago.”

  “And there were more tears.”

  Tim gave Tyler’s shoulder a squeeze. “Yeah.”

  “Now we just need sex to complete the circle,” Tyler said.

  “You want sex?”

  “Yeah.” And he did. Desperately. “I want sex with you. Can I have it?”

  “You, Tyler Marchant, can have whatever you want. Can we skip the whole uncomfortable floor thing and do it in a bed this time? Will the circle still be complete?”

  Tyler flinched. “I need to tell you something. Don’t worry. Nothing as bad as the other thing.”

  “You can tell me anything.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready yet to sleep...above ground. In rooms on the upper floor. I managed a few hours at Brett’s but didn’t make it the whole night. I’m working on it and I know it’s weird and if you feel like—”

  “Tyler, stop.” Tim kissed his hand. “Come with me. I want to show you something.” He stood then pulled Tyler to his feet.

  Wobbling for a moment, Tyler grabbed the counter. “Whoa. Didn’t think I had that much wine.”

  “You didn’t. Take it slow. Hyperventilating takes it out of you. I know from experience.”

  His equilibrium settled, and he grabbed Tim’s hand. “Okay. I’m good.”

  “Follow me.”

 
Tim led him to the back of the house then down a set of stairs. Tyler stepped into a basement room. One half was open pipes and a boiler. The other half had a rug with Tim’s bed on it, a pair of lamps on bedside tables, a dresser against the wall. Tim’s bedroom furniture—Tyler recognized it from the day they fooled around in his room upstairs. “This...you brought all this down here?”

  “I’ve got some more work to do to make it livable as a permanent bedroom, but yeah. And as a bonus, it’s got way more space than my room upstairs. And I installed a heavy-duty lock on the door. On the inside.”

  Tyler stared at him, blinking. “You did this for me?”

  “I did it for me. Because I want you to be able to come to my house and sleep over. I want you to be comfortable here.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to do all this just because I’m so fucked up.”

  “No way.” Tim grabbed Tyler’s arm and pulled him down to sit on the bed. “I spent a lot of time thinking about this today. And I realized, why should you have to change yourself for me? You’re the one who’s been hurt, not me. And I don’t mind sleeping in the basement. It’s a small thing. But the way I feel about you, Tyler? That’s huge.”

  Tyler grinned. “Huge?”

  “Enormous.”

  “Okay. But I’m still gonna try to combat it. The anxiety.”

  “That’s your choice. But you do it in your own way, and in your own time. I’m gonna be here either way.”

  Tyler traced a finger over Tim’s lips, getting lost in his blue eyes, and he didn’t want to talk anymore. He wanted heat and breath and flesh and to be joined.

  “What are you thinking about?” Tim asked.

  “I’ve decided I want to have sex right now. Immediately.”

  Tim burst out laughing, his head falling forward.

  “Is that funny?”

  “I just really like the way you talk. Don’t change that, okay?”

  Tyler shrugged, smiling. “Okay.”

  “Are you sure you want sex? You’re having kind of a rough night. I don’t mind if we just cuddle or whatever.”

  “I’m so sure. I need it. I need you. And cuddling’s not gonna do it.”

  Tim kissed him softly, and it turned into something more desperate when tongues got involved. With a heavy breath he pulled back from the kiss. “Hey, look at what I’ve got.” He leaned over and pulled open a drawer on the bedside table, then held up a plastic bottle shaped like a bear. “Gummi Glide.”