Suck Less: Where There's a Willam, There's a Way

by Willam Belli

  Don’t be afraid of scissors. Definitely check out some tutorials on YouTube though first, because you don’t wanna look like you lost a fight with one of those Project Runway faggots. (Hi, Blake and Josh!)

  Here’s your getting-dressed checklist:

  Will someone fuck you?

  Will this look good on someone else’s floor later?

  Can you put this on in thirty seconds to get out of that person’s house?

  What if you died? This would be your ghost outfit for the rest of eternity, and you don’t wanna be known as that Old Navy ghost, do you?

  Can you run from the police in your outfit? Never wear something you can’t run from someone in…

  … including heels. You should be able to do anything in heels that you can do in flats other than fuck. Ain’t nobody never told no one to keep their Tory Burchs on while they fucked. It’s called knocking boots for a reason—and correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the term is “fuck-me pump,” not “fuck-me flat.”

  Since I already dropped one label name, I’ll keep it going. I love nice things but am not so much a shopper. My mom actually went into labor with me while shopping at Kmart, which was basically me trying to get outta that crappy store by any means necessary even if it meant escaping her womb. I love secondhand and consignment shops. More than 75 percent of my book looks are seconhand, and I will happily give you outfit details if you tweet me questions with #SuckLess. There are pretty dope flea markets in LA, like the Fairfax High School one or the massive one at the Rose Bowl weekly. If you know what you’re looking for, they’re easier to tackle. Bring lots of small bills in easy denominations and always offer 20 to 30 percent less than what you actually want to pay for the item. A counteroffer from the salesperson will usually yield a better price. Be careful of knockoffs and fakes at any online or resale vendor. The only knockoff I’ve ever owned is a computer case from a backroom flea market in Dubai. I had to go up three staircases and through a closet to get to a room that had all the best fakes I’ve ever seen. Many knockoffs can be almost convincing because they’re made right alongside the mass-produced real items in Asia or India. The way French labels like Vuitton and Hermès get away with saying “Made in France” is by applying the finishing touches in their home country, like the hardware. I’m sure that’s true in some cases and false in others, but my Dubai fake fooled the Vuitton store in Beverly Hills when I went in to get it monogrammed.

  The lady who can afford Louboutins does not do her own nails. So this Louboutin nail polish is only good for one thing: touch-ups on my pumps.

  One thing that’s definitely real is the savings from buying secondhand. I got this Chanel suit for four hundred dollars in London, and although it was a bit mother-of-the-bride once I saw how my ass looked in the pants, I was dead set on transforming it. ’Member that episode of The Simpsons when Marge finds the Chanel suit, gets into a country club because of her style, but then has to keep altering it so the ladies who lunch won’t think she’s poor? Necessity breeds invention, and, no, that’s not a barebacking joke.

  Two pieces that were hard to wear individually turned into four pieces that look great with anything. Yes, I’m counting the hair bow. I mean it’s Chanel, technically.

  While my day-to-day garb is mostly work pants, Timbs, and a tee, my drag is even more concise. I instated a rule that everything I buy has to fall into one of three categories, because mixing separates is the best way to create new looks without spending money:

  Can you tell which is real and which is fake? Look for details like stitching, the overall line of the shoe and attention to detailing. Tweet me and I’ll tell you the answer @willam.

  1. LUXE. Like a rich bitch (Miss Piggy with a coke problem).

  2. CLOWN-LIKE. Something with whimsy or irony (Carol Burnett or Aileen Wuornos).

  3. WHORE. But think whore in the back of Eddie Murphy’s limo, not Bunny Ranch budget puss.

  Look good if your friends look good.

  If you love something but are having a hard time heading to the register with it, ask yourself how your style icons would wear it. Is it Audrey Hepburn or is it Jennifer Love Hewitt in a TV biopic about Audrey? Is it effortless rock god or is it closer to some shit rhinestoned Ed Hardy? If you lust for it but don’t know how it would look right with your current wardrobe, it’s tantamount to buying art that you really like but it totally won’t go with everything else in your house. Don’t buy for just the high. Walk away and come back to it. You don’t wanna spend time obsessing over an outfit. You wanna spend time having fun in it and then wearing it home inside out. It’s always good to have what I call a little turnting garment a.k.a. a chicken bucket dress. It’s something that (a) makes people wanna have sex with you and (b) is not precious in the least, and you can easily move around the stick shift to get your head down or ass up.

  We’ve all been there when a friend is trying on an outfit and they like it even though it’s not so hot on them. If someone’s got too much going on, I’ll just say something like “That is a lot of look.” But only if they ask. People know that there’s a seed of truth in every joke. When going out in a group or meeting up, looking like you all are going to the same event is key. You don’t need to look like Tina Knowles styled you, but you want to be able to get into the same parties in case there is a dress code or footwear restriction. Look good if your friends look good.

  If you like to wear black or white to a club, take special care. Club lighting will highlight any kinda flakeage or dandruff you may not even know you have. Make sure them whites are fresh too, because that Shout pen can’t compete with a black light.

  If your clique has someone whose dress code is always a mess code, cut that shit out like a tumor. Try the whole “Are you gonna get ready?” routine, like you couldn’t fathom them possibly going out in that outfit. If the passive-aggressive joking doesn’t work, a direct approach might be necessary. Some may counter by talking about how Mother Teresa had, like, one dress or they’ll go “I don’t care what I wear or what people think.” Set them straight. Inform them that shabby chic is for houses, not people, and they can stay home and count commercials. My friends know that if they don’t wanna help our group look cute in our selfies, they should go away, or at least buy us enough beer that we don’t care that they look like a hobo. Stay… but pay.

  10 FAVORITE THRIFT STORES

  Call them consignment or resale or whatever. Point is, somebody had their stank on it first so clean it or rash on with your bad self. Just Google them for the address. My word count was too high.

  1. London: Rellik–all the names you love like McQueen, Alaia, Hermes, etc.

  2. Toyko: Vivienne Westwood Closet Child–a resale store full of ALL Westwood.

  3. Beverly Hills: Paper Bag Princess—where old Hollywood goes to sell archival-worthy pieces with a really cool toilet.

  4. San Francisco: Helpers House of Couture—This appointment only spot is run by a spitfire Tom Ford-clad fashionista named Joy Bianchi with all proceeds going to the mentally-handicapped. Worth a look.

  5. Dallas: Dolly Python—A southern-fried emporium of vintage

  6. Sydney: Zoo Emporium—my cover dress is an old beaded dress I go from here and had madeover. Quality shit.

  7. Chicago: Beatnik’s—Can’t quite tell you what this store specializes in but I’d say if Norman Bates wanted to crossdress poptastically, he could shop here. Solid mid-western wear and trendy stuff.

  8. Hollywood: Wasteland—Where fashion fags go to sell their stuff so it’s very current. But don’t buy any Herve Leger dresses there. They’re all fakes.

  9. Philadelphia: Philly AIDS Thrift—Any AIDS thrift store usually has great stuff since it’s where most gay goodies go. Raja nabbed the bangles from here from Out of the Closet in LA when Holly Woodlawn’s wardrobe was sent there (RIP).

  10. Anywhere: WycoVintage.com & Defunkd.com—vintage rock t-shirt heaven.

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  How to SUCK LESS at

 
HAVING A GREAT BODY

  That’s me trying to smile while sucking in my double chin in fifth grade. When we passed around our yearbooks to get signed the last day of class, mine came back with “Thar he blows” written under it. Sure, I was insulted. The only problem was, I didn’t know if my rude classmates were using Moby-Dick quotes because I was fat or because word had spread about how I got mono. (Hi, James!)

  Either way, after that, I vowed to be in control of the one thing I could control in my life: exactly what goes into and comes out of my body. It’s one of the reasons actors and models obsess over their looks so much. It’s the one thing they can actually control, and oftentimes it dictates their daily lives.

  I know my advice is rather blunt: Get in shape. It’s the best gift you can give yourself. If you stop eating processed crap and start cooking, it’ll help you feel like you’re doing at least one thing in your life every day for the good of your longevity. It’s harder for people who aren’t cookie cutters to make it, so try your best to eliminate variables that could cause you not to book work. Being called “skinny fat” to my face by my first agent was a wake-up call. He said if I couldn’t take my shirt off during pilot season, he didn’t want to represent me. It’s THAT cutthroat out here. That’s when I started doing some squats or crunches every time I wanted to eat something. It’s part of an actor’s job to disappear into a part, and extra weight held me back.

  The good thing is, whenever I diet, I become an utter skank, because if I eat really clean, it’s easier to clean out my body for visiting dicks. I’m not saying being Paleo is a replacement for douching, but sometimes when I have the right balance of food in a day, I can pinch off a loaf and not even worry about putting unwanted toppings on another guy’s hot dog (side note: nobody wants sauerkraut). Don’t be scared, though. Sometimes when you fast or starve yourself, your body kinda goes into a battery-save mode that makes your brain operate a little slower. You more easily get mad (that’s your blood sugar dipping) and you might start to get a little Still Alice, forgetting shit. It’s fine. Your brain is just on low speed since you’re not supplying it with enough fuel to run. The good thing is, it makes you feel real damn Zen and is spiritually cleansing. The other good thing is, since you won’t be filling up with all them groceries, you can spend your money on important things that will make it easier for you to like you, like drugs (if you drink, know that lighter-colored liquors tend to be less nutritionally damning calorie-wise). There are specific times when being fat can’t be avoided, like if you’re transitioning from man to woman. Estrogen usually makes a girl put on some weight, and that’s fine. The extra pounds soften all the manly, hard angles of a face. And, hell, if you wanna keep eating, g’head. If you get a gut, you can at least forgo tucking, because no one will be able to see if you have a cock or not. There are a whole buncha men and women who are attracted soley to big girls too, probably because no matter where you grab them, it feels like boobs.

  Many want big, fat asses. Most drag queens in Florida, where I came of age, pump to achieve an hourglass figure. It could be because it’s too hot to pad down in that climate. They’re sweating their fucking mugs off already, so sticking a couch and a half onto their actual love-seat area is just asking for heatstroke. I decided to do it the old-fashioned way. Squats, hiking, and taking every set of stairs I see helps. I also love donkey kicks, lateral leg raises, and leg presses. Combine those with wearing heels and dancing around at work, and my ass is pretty solid. It’s not hard to put on some music and dance around till you’re sweaty. I like to get high and then do cardio. Pop that pussy so severely that you give yourself an episiotomy (that’s when a lady’s pussy tears while birthing—you’re welcome).

  “If ya can’t tone it, tan it” was my default mode when I was heavier. I’ve been that lazy fucker who rationalizes going to tan instead of going to the gym. For some months I also called my gym dues my swim club dues because I was going to the gym just to use the spa. Decide if you have a gym membership or a hot tub membership. Seriously. And while you’re there, don’t use the shower gels provided. The only thing that stuff’s good for is making your urethra burn when you play hand sandwich with that freeballer in basketball shorts once you stalk him to the shower. The gym is a great spot to make new friends—like freeballer fag—and an even better spot to bring existing friends you want to see naked. Plus, establishing workout dates with anyone keeps you accountable so you actually show up. Smaller, casual group hikes or adult sport leagues, like dodgeball and kickball, are awesome, too. The gay basketball group LambdaBasketball.com has so many hot guys that I would pretend to text and take slo-mo videos of guys doing jump shots. I was the entertainment one year at their annual Sin City Shootout and literally had over two feet of dick between two point guards and a center. Don’t be intimidated by these group sports. And if you are, get stoned as fuck and go. I loved how dodgeballs would sting my face and help me feel alive every Tuesday in the West Hollywood Park, where I played with Team Amazeballs. Say cute stuff, like “Sweat is just fat crying,” and if they laugh, you’ll know they’re an idiot and OK to fuck but not to date.

  Keep your head down so you don’t strain your neck. My wig was gonna fall off otherwise.

  Supplements are great but can be tricky. A cycle or two is cool but may increase chances of cancer, hair loss, and fucked up skin. Imagine putting your hands on someone’s back and feeling one of those big cystic bad boys popping. I can’t deal with whiteheads on my man. Not even doggy. No, sir. A pimply back is no contender for this transgender.

  The easiest way to fool people into thinking you’re in shape when you take your shirt off is to get some ab definition. The best workout for abs is easier than you know. It’s actually walking. Just try walking away from the fridge at those commercials and instead get on the floor and do crunches. Your abs will not show unless your body fat is in proportion to your frame. Abs are basically made in the kitchen. Pilates is my favorite because almost every exercise relies on stabilizing your core. Throw down that dirty bath towel from your shower that morning and get to strengthening your trunk. I used to like jogging too, until someone posted a pic of me sprinting alongside a billboard that said SYPHILIS IS RUNNING RAMPANT IN WEST HOLLYWOOD and tagged me.

  PERSONAL TRAINER TACTICS

  It’s a dog-eat-downward-dog world for personal trainers. Competition for clients is crazy. After working with go-go boys for a decade who all sun-lighted with PT work, I learned a few things:

  Let word get out that you’ll fuck your clients on the tenth session after purchasing a ten-session package. G’head and cross-fit your boss’s slit.

  Add a free five-minute rubdown at the end of the session.

  Tell a client that you need some snapshots taken for a job you need to submit a picture for… ’cause you model and things. Chub up and let him do the dirty work.

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  How to SUCK LESS at

  GYM GEAR

  If I see someone wearing a Willam shirt to the gym, I know (a) they like nice things and (b) they probably swallow. What to wear while working on your fitness is sometimes a crapshoot. You wanna look cute, but you don’t wanna look like you tried. You wanna stay streamlined, but you don’t want it too tight. There’s nothing wrong with wearing short shorts at the gym. It’s all about what you wear with them that makes them offensive. Think athlete, not asslete. Thick thighs do indeed make the dicks rise, but brick mugs only get hugs, so make sure you have a brow on at least if you’re not a natural beauty.

  Put in a little effort, but don’t go overboard. This might be the only time I’d ever advocate brown eyeliner on anyone. Also, ladies, just so you know, leggings are not one size fits all. The “stretch” in stretch pants is not like a personal challenge for you. If you are wearing too small a size, they become sheer like a trampoline in the sun… that nobody wants to jump on. Gentlemen, I would say the gym is the chance to wear what you would wear to cut the lawn—your dad’s lawn, not yours. Try to keep both nipples cove
red. You don’t need armholes down to your belly button. Jockstraps are great for the gym too, because boxers and briefs tend to give the wearer swamp ass rather quickly, and you know less is definitely more down there. Also, muscle shirts are for muscles. So sleeve it up if you’ve got sissy arms.

  This is Dick. See Dick in shorts. See Dick doing biceps and chest presses while also working his core. Can you circle all the balls in the photo? Tweet me @willam and let me know.

  The gym is not the place to take pictures. We do not need to see your gains, bro. If you look good enough to be posting without your clothes, you’re probably also hot enough to get laid and you should just delight in that instead of in look-how-hot-I-am posts about your leg day. If you really need everyone to see how good you look naked, make friends with people who have pools, Soho House memberships, or beachfront property. Pool parties are a great way to get in casual selfies. Make sure you take one of you in the outfit you arrive in and another in whatever you wear when you get wet so you double your picture ventures with regards to #tbt’s and “missing the summer” winter posts as reminders to your friends that you are indeed a thirst monger.

  SUCK LESS AT SOUNDS

  WORKOUT EDITION

  The perfect pump playlist is key for workouts. Adele songs in the gym are about as appropriate as the Black Eyed Peas at the dinner table. You need the perfect kinda jock jams with BPM that keep you moving. Here’s sixty minutes worth.

  “Faith” George Michael

  “Ride for AIDS” Alaska 5000 and me!!!!