Suck Less: Where There's a Willam, There's a Way
Page 8
“LA Love (La La) [Jodie Harsh Remix]” Fergie
“Tambourine” Eve
“Say Yes” Michelle Williams featuring (yes, featuring) Beyoncé and Kelly Rowland
“Just Like Living in Paradise” David Lee Roth
“Gin in My System” Big Freedia
“Party in the USA” Miley Cyrus
“S&M” Rihanna
“Lifestyles of the Rich andFamous” Good Charlotte
“Back to the ’80s” Aqua
“Three Small Words” Josie and the Pussycats
“Certified Freak” Baby Bash featuring Baeza
“I Seen Beyoncé at Burger King” Cazwell featuring Jonny Makeup
“Thick Thighs” Willam featuring Latrice Royale
“The Girl Is Mine” 99 Souls featuring Destiny’s Child and Brandy
“California Gurls” Katy Perry
“Talk Dirty” Jason Derulo
“Bye Baby” Danity Kane
“Countdown” Beyoncé
“Hella Good” No Doubt
“Gold Digger” Kanye West
For a cool down:
“Alien” Britney
“Reaper” Sia
17
How to SUCK LESS at
FOOD
BABY PEANUT BUTTER PACKS—hard to get out and easy not to eat the whole tub. You can also dip a berry-flavored hair, skin, and nails vitamin in the peanut butter and get a great PB and J bite. I like the ones pictured.
HYDROXYCUT, ADDERALL, SUGAR-FREE ENERGY DRINKS (I like Monster) and 5-HOUR ENERGY SHOTS
BABY FOOD should be thought of as healthy-people pudding. Sure, you could get some Acai Chia Raw Dessert, but that just sounds like a bowl of vegan yard waste. Lil’ Bits by Gerber is delicious.
CHIA SEED PUDDING—1 part chia seeds to 6 parts almond milk mixed with fruit or whatever
ALMOND MILK—I buy one unsweetened chocolate one (zero grams of sugar per cup) and combine it with one presweetened (20 grams of sugar per cup). That way I get to drink it without it tasting like cocoa and cardboard and with half the sugar.
RICE CAKES (brown)
SPINACH in a salad or EGG WHITE omelet.
TURKEY BACON—so good in the toaster oven. Everything is, in fact. Microwaves are the devil. Every morning as a kid I used to put my forehead on the microwave door to watch while my eggs cooked, and look how I turned out.
JERKY—high protein, low carb
TUNA—high protein, low carb
SPOTTED DICK—keep a can on hand in case you need an easy intro for a convo about STDs and protection. Put it by the bed if you’ve got a condition like herpes or HPV that isn’t much of a threat when there’s no outbreak present. So your potential fuck buddy can see it and go “Spotted dick…?” and you can just say “Well, funny you should mention…” Bring it up. You’d wanna know if it was you, even if it’s a 0.01 percent chance of exposure.
Some FRUIT you were gonna wash and eat but you’ll probably just throw out once it starts to get mushy
NUTS IN THE SHELL—the opening of the shells makes it a good conversational snack and it’s less grody than just shoving your dirty mitts into a honey-roasted peanut bowl. My husband used to have a jar full of unshelled pistachios or peanuts on hand for his basketball team buddies, including this one Black Irish dude, who I tried to offer another kinda social nut and then my husband got mad and put the nuts in the trash. (Hi, Patrick!)
If you’re concerned about how quickly you get thickly, you may want to consider an eating disorder. One night I went to bed and realized I had had only soup that day. As I drifted off to sleep and/or passed out due to malnutrition, I was not only hungry but proud. Proud that I had recognized a problem I had, reclassified it as a condition, and used it as a tool to rationalize screwing up my body irreparably. Sure, my yo-yo dieting may lead to some minor organ problems down the road. But if I live to be, like, fifty-eight or fifty-nine instead of, like, in my seventies, it’s fine by me. I’d rather be highly fuckable and get invited to the good parties than old and trying to learn how to work whatever remote control they have in 2064. WTF am I gonna do when I’m old other than be mad about how my diaper makes me look fat while looking at pictures of me young, saying “Shoulda had more sex.” Nope. Not me. If I’m in a diaper it’ll be from rectal prolapse due to dickdowns. This section will contain some medically unsound advice, but it’s drag-queen tested and motherfucker approved.
Further caution: This section isn’t for youths or cutter kids who just want to be loved or whatever. It’s for grown-ass adults who are cool with hurting themselves a little to look cute on Instagram.
I struggle with bulimia. (Mostly spelling it. For some reason, my brain always wants to put two l’s in it.) I don’t want you to think I’m just some advocate for unhealthy lifestyle choices. I totally am, but even more so, I’m a tireless warrior for beauty. So, yeah. That being said, let’s talk about some ugly shit: vomiting. I’m not going to sit here and tell you which foods are hard to upchuck, because that would be irresponsible, especially if they were pizza, pies, or anything starchy or pointy, like tacos. Listing noodles, ice cream, and soup as easy ejections would also be equally horrendous of me. Most damning would be leaking that burp-inducing tonic water and soda bubbles make shoving stuff out the in door easier since burps are just little tiny baby voms… and that’s why I won’t say any of those sorta things.
Water is one of my first tips. I use water as a deterrent. Get in the pool or take a shower. If you eat in the shower or the bathtub, whether skinny or fat, you’re a great big pig person. You’re not a Pigpen, ’cause at least he had the good goddamn sense to eat his dirt in the yard. It’s like how you bring a sandwich to the beach and you’ll abandon it within three bites ’cause you’re crunching on some sand. Same logic. So, yeah. First step: Get your ass in the tub to kill those munchies. And if you’re OK with being one of those pig persons who eats dinner in the shower, go get a hamburger and check into the Beverly Hilton.
Once you’re out of the water, find some reason not to sit down for the next hour, be it a self-tanner, Nair, or cellulite cream. Sitting down means in your head you’ll probably be like “Oh, well, lemme get a nibble,” and that is a call you do not need to answer. Take some fat burners or crack open a Red Bull. Remember, if you get dizzy or light-headed from not eating, that’s Jesus telling you he likes you better thin (show me a fatty in the Bible). Now is a good time to paint your nails or give yourself a nice mani-pedi. The only thing more effective than the scent of nail polish remover as an appetite suppressant is homeless cock cheese.
I only grocery shop after eating a full meal and never stoned. Plan out what you’ll be stuffing into your body, because if you shop hangry (hungry and angry), you’re less likely to exercise control. Investing in a food scale for your kitchen is a great thing to do. Don’t get the one off the floor and try to figure out how heavy your boneless, skinless cutlets are. That’s nasty. I don’t even own that kinda scale. When someone asks what I weigh, I usually just tell them, “One hundred and sexy, give or take a few loads.”
When I go food shopping, I try to stick to the perimeter of the store. The middle is a buncha shit. All big calories with very few nutrients. Think about it—the left, right, and back are usually fresh produce, meats, and liquor. If you took out of a supermarket all the foods that have added sugar, about 20 percent of the store would be left.
Eating the same amount of calories but eliminating refined sugars is the way to go. G’head and eat stuff with fat. Avocados, nuts, and butter (to a degree) are all cool. Due to a back injury, I had to stop working out completely in May of 2015. To compensate for that cardio dip, I changed my eat-whatever-I-want-and-work-out-six-times-a-week regime to eating Paleo foods with good fats and no sugar. I’m happy to report that as of June 2016, I’m the same weight. Granted, I was a bitch and a half on and off for about a month because of sugar withdrawals, but the desire to eat artificially sweet stuff waned. Getting rid of sugar resets your ta
ste buds, if that makes sense.
This sounds drastic, but there are some little hacks to help you get back if cold turkey leaves you murky. There’s this game called Chew and Spit that you do with your mouth where you chew up something and then spit it out. You only taste it while it’s in your mouth, and that’s what you’re after, right? I see nothing wrong with it, especially if you do it near a garden. It’s composting without the shit step.
If you absolutely cannot cut out alcohol, try a buttchug. It’s far more dangerous, but you don’t get all the pesky calories. (Look up a live performance of me doing “Only Anally” for a demo.) You can use any liquor you like, but don’t do it with a Bloody Mary. It looks like a miscarriage.
TRIGGERS
My favorite thing is maple anything. Consequently, I’ve recognized it as a trigger food and don’t keep it in my house. But every year I get this autumnal feeling that a warm scarf and new pair of boots just won’t satisfy. I’m talking pecan pie, pumpkin spice, and all that fall shit. Denying it does no good. I’ll end up just sitting in an IHOP parking lot crying. So, I just grab a handful of maple pecans mixed with regular pecans and munch. They have them in bins at Whole Foods but if you eat them before you get to the front, they’re free.
It makes sense. I’m a die-hard McGriddle maniac, so as an alternative to that, I make an egg white omelet with some maple sausage crumbled into it. It hits a maple note without the syrup-pocket-laden processed biscuit. I bought maple bacon one time, but the whole pack was gone within a weekend because I made pig candy in my oven like a fat ass. (Do not Google “pig candy” unless you have the willpower of a nun.) Jim Beam and Crown Royal both make maple whiskey too, and that tastes like a drunken pancake. I have that only once a year at Burning Man, and if there’s any left by the end of the trip, I play “Here, Courtney, drink this” until it’s gone.
See how I organized my eating disorder into a category that is less of a distinction of chaos and more just a preference? Like, I’m really anal about what I eat. Calling it “anal eating” isn’t necessarily the best idea, but you get what I mean. When I’m craving caramel, I don’t go out and get some Starbucks shit. I put a fuckin’ Werther’s Original in my mouth and have some almond milk. I’ve bought chocolate rice cakes as a substitute for eating a big piece of cake, and it works. You can even dip them in, like, vegan chocolate pudding from Whole Foods, and if you smoke a fat enough blunt before, you’ll forget that you outsmarted your thigh gap’s demise via death-by-chocolate-chub.
Another great way to not binge is to light a candle. Not to pray for control but to get the flavor of whatever you want to eat. Since scent and taste are connected, lighting a good Yankee Candle in pumpkin spice alleviates my need to turn my mouth into a straight-up pie hole. If you want something tropical, light up a mango or coconut one because both those fruits are high in fat. You can also shove a vitamin C drop into a bottle of water and make a quick diet OJ.
Peanut butter pretzels with raspberries will give you that PB and J hit without as many carbs. You can also take some chili-powder coated mango and chew it up with some walnuts. Or dip those berry-flavored hair, skin, and nails vitamins in some honey almond butter like I said before. There. I just did a PB and J three-way for you with no bread at all.
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How to SUCK LESS at
MEAL PLANS
Now, before you get all big-booty Judy on me and toss this book aside to gorge, try drinking a cool glass of water. It’ll fill you up and trick your brain into thinking your stomach is fuller than it is, because it literally is. You just filled it with water. Your brain is super stupid and real easy to fool, because if you’re like me, you always know what the nice lady from Scandal is gonna do. Eating with a knife is a great tip too, and not just to cut your food. Try to eat ice cream with a knife instead of a spoon. You’ll have to take small bites and be super careful and slow, picking out the little chunks of chocolate one by one. You definitely won’t pig out, and with luck it’ll melt by the time you realize you shouldn’t fucking be eating ice cream. Dig out all the good chunks of cookie dough and be left with just a carton of raped and ravaged vanilla.
At this point I need to explain how I gained all this knowledge. I wasn’t allowed to ride a pony when I was ten because the circus man said I would “hurt the horse.” All my cousins and my sister got to ride the pony. I was fuckin’ livid at that man, that pony, and the world. So I had a funnel cake. The next summer I was eleven and an elephant threw poop at me with his trunk. It was mating season at the San Diego Zoo and the pachyderms were pissed. I had to take my shit-encrusted shirt off and walk around topless, embarrassed by my teen tits, for a mortifying ten minutes before we found a gift shop to replace my shirt. I was a fat, fat, very fat kid who used food and humor and my very low threshold for what was morally sound to make me feel OK about being me (now I just stick to two outta three). My football trading card said I was 207 pounds and five foot three. The benefit of being basically a keg with legs was that for a good two years my coach made me the center and boys got to touch my ass while I passed a ball between my legs. They tried to switch me to the defensive line the next year and I would gobble a party pack of Bagel Bites each game-day morning to purposefully be over the weight limit for my age group. I also had ebola (a bowl of cereal, a bowl of pizza, and so on).
This is the face of tranvestite lactose intolerance. I ate six of these with three Lactaid pills and was fine. Pills for your ills.
So, yeah, I know pain. Social settings with food sometimes still scare the bejesus out of me. I’d rather have someone watch me shit than eat. Drugs can help with that by either making you not hungry or numbing your brain into acting normal. I like the latter because party food is usually so fun and each bite gets its own napkin. Some important things to remember when you’re stoned around food is that you are not a pantry. You don’t need all the food in you. It’s never acceptable to tail a waiter at a party or event to see what he comes out with next. He’ll think you’re trying to blow him when you’re actually just angling for a pig in a blanket… Oh, wait… Anyway…
I spent a lot of my youth in the South where unhealthy cooking is pretty much standard. Frying foods, putting cheese on everything and tons of carb-heavy dishes with pasta and breads are to blame for obesity, diabetes, heart disease and even incest (that last one because some people get too fat to leave the house and just touch on whatever’s closest.) Limit your dairy. Remember, Mother Nature created cow’s milk to help baby cows grow big and strong. Not to widen your rump roast.
… DOUCHE COMPLIANT
Soups
Poultry and fish
Semen
Chia seeds
Popsicles
Sushi (ask for “easy on the rice”)
FLAVORITES OF WRONG
Broccoli. Why would you wanna eat something that tastes exactly like what your farts are gonna smell like later?
Edible arrangements. Never get ’em. Who wants to eat fruit after someone else has touched it? For all the same germs without the pesky vitamins, try just dating me or licking a truck-stop hooker’s fingernails.
Chili. Nah-uh. I don’t fuck with no chili. No, sir. Chili is the sworn arch nemesis of bottoms the world over. Corn is Stalin to chili’s Hitler (okra is like that bad guy from Korea). #Fuckfact: If you don’t want to take my advice, at least employ the roll-with-it technique. Basically, you stick it in like normal, but under no circumstances should the penis be removed from where it’s entrenched. Don’t pull out; just carefully move stuff like you’re playing Operation with a sex doll. Honestly, one position might be best if you want to avoid making the room stink.
Condiments. They have a lot of sugar, which equals calories. Ketchup is made of tomato, which is a fruit and super sweet. Mustard and hot sauce are safe, but eighty-six those dressings, relishes, and anything with oil.
Anything at the movies. My husband shovels popcorn so fast that at least a third of it ends up on the floor or his shirt. I’m like “
Baby, slow down. You ain’t even getting it all in your mouth.” He’s usually finished during the first part of the movie, then he ducks out to piss and comes back with a li’l something sweet, like some frozen ice cream mini bites or shit, while I just crunch my ice cubes and pretend they’re organic Popsicle pieces.
Ramen. If you eat prepackaged ramen, you don’t love yourself. Why not just get in the tub and turn the water on real hot for an edible bath bomb? That way the noodles can touch all the parts of your body that’ll be fatter once the ramen is ingested.
19
How to SUCK LESS at
HAVING THE MUNCHIES
Here are some pointers on how to eat stoned:
1. Make a list on what you’re craving before you go stare into the void of the fridge.
2. There is no 2. This was a test.
Wait. I’m stoned and I forgot I had some ideas.
Just because you have no food in the house, that is no reason to resort to Postmates, Seamless, or Eat24. Many people see a take-out menu and instantly get a whole ’nother eating disorder. One where they’re about to eat dis order of wings, dis order of fries, and dis here order of ravioli in a cream sauce even though they wanted it in a marinara (Fuck you, GrubHub). I think preparing your own meal somehow makes it more satisfying, and you’re less likely to overspend because you’re not playing Hungry Hungry Hippos in your head.
If you have a tendency to do a search-and-destroy mission for food while stoned, don’t buy protein bars, because you will eat them like candy bars and rationalize that they’re good for you. For protein, I like to use Grindr or just nibble hard-boiled egg whites. Split the cooked egg down the middle and spoon it out. Eat a little yolk from each half too if you don’t mind the fat or egg farts. Whatever is kinda not cooked is my fave. Like yellow toe cheese. Fuck an omelet. No one has the time to wash a whole fuckin’ pan, and you know it will just sit there ’cause it don’t fit right in the dishwasher or you were gonna let it soak. My best friend used to say that to me. He was “letting it soak.” Wash the fucking pan, faggot. Don’t even look at a bag of Doritos either. Before you know it, you’ll be holding the bag up to your mouth and doing that good ol’ crumbdump move.