After the judge sentenced me, I couldn’t keep in my wrath anymore. I knew I took a plea deal, but never in a million years did I think the fucking cracker would give me all that time. I wanted to rip his fucking neck off. Then I glanced at that ho, and she was sitting there like she had no worries in the world. I exploded. I had nothing to lose at this point. I started yelling at that ho. I had to let her know this shit was not over—not by a long shot.
That night in my cell, I broke down. The words of the judge kept playing over and over in my head. This can’t be real. I tried to convince myself it was all a dream—a nightmare. God, what was I going to do? I have a firm to run and clients to defend in court. I couldn’t be locked up with all these sweaty-balls niggas. I needed pussy in my life. Ain’t no way I was goin’ beat dick for all them years. The fuck, man, I thought. This can’t be life. This is not how it’s supposed to be.
Right then, my cell door opened. I sat up to look. A Big Bertha-looking dude walked in.
“Clarke, this is your bunky, CeCe,” the guard smiled.
“What the fuck!” Oh, hell no. How the fuck they goin’ put me in the cell with a faggot-ass nigga? I thought.
Chapter Sixteen
Destiny Clarke
After Hassan got sentenced, I kept getting threatening phone calls. These bitches played on my phone all times of the night, but I didn’t trip. I went to Sprint and got my phone number changed. I wasn’t trying to address them lower-level hoes. As long as they didn’t cross my path and put their hands on me, I was fine.
I woke up extra early and decided to take this trip to see Hassan. Yes, I know. I might look stupid, but it was very important to me. I wanted to look this nigga in the eyes and let him know how much I despised him and how much hurt he had bestowed on me. I decide to put on a nice dress and let my hair down. I made sure my curves were visible.
I parked my car and took the bus over to Rikers Island. I saw I was amongst the other baby mamas, side chicks, the whores, and the wives crew. Only difference was, my visit wasn’t friendly. I waited until they called “visit for Clarke.” I got up to walk to the desk, and that’s when I noticed the little white bitch walking up in full stride. I turned back toward her.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Only one visitor, and that, my dear, would be me. The Mrs.”
“I came over here so he could see his son.”
“And what the fuck that got to do with me? I’m married to the bastard, so that means I will be the one that gets the time.”
I turned away from that retarded-ass bitch, then walked up to the window where Hassan was standing on the other side. His facial expression changed when he noticed it was me.
“What the fuck you doing here? I told you I never wanted to see your ass, ever again.”
“Relax, Hassan. I just wanted to see how my future ex-husband is living. By the looks of your appearance, I think life ain’t too good for you up in here.”
“Ha-ha, you know, Destiny, I should’ve finished you when I had the chance. You are a coldhearted bitch that deserves to die slowly.”
“Cold? You made me this way. I just want to know when did you start hating me.” I stared into his eyes.
“Hate you? Bitch, I never loved you. That dry-ass pussy was horrible, and your fucking mouth was annoying. I’ve always loved Imani. You was only our meal ticket to a better life,” he coldly stated.
I almost fell for that shit. My emotions were starting to show. I swallowed hard and quickly regrouped.
“By the way, you need to get checked for HIV. Also, please know that while you’re cooped up in here, I will be living my life, running your company, and spending your money. Who is the joke on now, baby?” I winked at him.
“I ain’t got no HIV, so I’m good. That nigga you screwing must’ve given that shit to you. It doesn’t matter because you are nothing but a whore. That’s the reason why your daddy was fucking you and your mama at the same time. I know you missed him tearing up that young pussy,” he chuckled.
“At one point, your words would’ve hurt me, but not anymore. And don’t you worry about who was tearing me up. You make sure none of these faggots rip open your asshole. Anyway, I hope you enjoy every bit of your stay. I will never see you again, Hassan Clarke.”
“Don’t be so quick to write me off. I know you killed Imani. I just can’t prove it. But please know, while I sit in this cell, I will be working on my appeal. You won’t get away with this. I promise you will pay.”
“You’re delusional. You keep talking like that, and they goin’ put your ass in the psyche ward.”
“Destiny, I’m going to make you pay, bitch. I promise youuuu,” he screamed.
I walked off before he could get another word in, went through the double doors, and out into the waiting area.
I walked up on his bitch, who was sitting down, looking disappointed. “He’s all yours, honey.” I put my shades on, buttoned my peacoat, and walked out into the brisk air.
Hassan Clarke
I couldn’t believe this bitch had the nerve to show her face up in here after the performance she gave in court. I meant to take her off the visitation list, but it slipped my mind. I was excited when they called me for visitation because Tanya and my baby were on the way. Yes, you heard me right. Tanya had the baby, and I was a proud daddy. Hell, why not? Imani was gone, Destiny’s bitch ass was history, and Tanya was the only one that stuck around. Even though she didn’t have much, she made sure my books were straight, and I had visitation on the regular. So, it’s only fair that I play daddy to the little bastard.
I walked hurriedly back to my cell. Something that Destiny said grabbed my attention. The bitch said I had HIV. I played it off in front of her, but I was shivering on the inside. At first, I thought the bitch was playing a cruel joke on me, so I searched her face. I saw no signs of deception. The minute I got back to the cell, all the emotions filled my soul. Was there any truth to what that bitch said? Only one way to find out....
I wanted to die. The nurse confirmed I was HIV-positive. I wanted to break down in front of her, but I didn’t want to come off like a bitch. The minute I got back to the cell, I collapsed. All I could think about is which one of these dirty bitches gave that shit to me? I knew I lived recklessly, but my dick stayed clean. I know it was one of them, I thought as I bawled out.
I was happy that I was in my cell by myself ’cause I had them move that faggot out after he made a move on me. They had to get me off his ass. I don’t play that fuck-boy shit at all. Pussy was the only thing that had my interest.
I couldn’t take the pain that I was feeling inside. I can’t live like this, not with no HIV. The thought of having bumps, face sinking in, and me losing weight... I just can’t.
“Sorry, Mama. I love you, but I just can’t.”
I grabbed the sheets off my bunk. If this is living, death, here I come.
Chapter Seventeen
Destiny Clarke
The doctor prescribed Atripla to treat my HIV infection. At first, I was nauseated, and often, I was dizzy and drowsy. But after my body got used to the drug, it worked fine. As far as my mental state, after crying for weeks, I decided to get some counseling because I couldn’t handle it. My daughter and I had been through so much shit that we both needed professional help.
The divorce was final, and I got most of everything. I also went to juvenile court and got full custody of my baby. Later, I got a phone call from my lawyer, informing me that Hassan tried to kill himself. I wasn’t surprised at all. Hassan was a coward by nature. He wasn’t so big and bad, after all. I was mad that he didn’t kill himself. I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely safe until that bastard was six feet deep.
Things were starting to get to normal. Did I say normal? What was normal anyway? Here I was, living with herpes and HIV. I knew what the end result could be, but I didn’t focus on any of that. I tried to live day by day and just focus on the happy times with my daughter, Spencer, and Mama.
“Nothing, just thinking. I need to pack up all this junk that I have in this house. I haven’t moved in over twenty years.”
“Well, you can always walk away from it all. Start over fresh, you know?”
“Yea, but . . .”
“But what?” He kissed me on the cheek and walked back into the house.
I never believed in fairy tales and still don’t. However, I believed his love for me was real. He was so different. He was the regular kind of dude I usually dated. Don’t get me wrong. He wasn’t no punk either, and that’s what made him more attractive. My life felt so good these days. There was no one calling me out of my name or asking me for money.
I can’t remember the last time I spent a dollar on anything. Not that I didn’t want to, but because my man made sure I didn’t do it.
I looked up at the sky and smiled. I didn’t know how long I had left on this earth, but I planned on enjoying every bit of it.
“Ma, Ma, it’s a letter from Daddy. He said he’s going back to court and is coming home soon.” Amaiya yelled, waving a letter in her hand.
“Hell no,” I said as I snatched the letter out of her hand.
This bastard just won’t go away, I thought as I started reading the letter.
Chapter Eighteen
Josiah Clarke
A Year Ago . . .
I stood over my mama’s casket, staring down at her. I touched her powdered face as a tear dropped from my eye. I quickly wiped it away, hoping that no one saw it. I stood in a church full of motherfuckers that never gave a fuck about my mama when she was alive. Not a phone call or a visit. Now that she was dead, they were all up in here crying and carrying on, like they were hurting and shit. I was too ready for the bullshit to be over so that I could get down to the real business.
I bent down and planted a long kiss on my mama’s cheek. I then turned around, put my shades on, walked down the aisle, and out of the church. The pain I was feeling was so intense at that point that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. As I stepped outside, I noticed that the rain was pouring down. I looked up to the sky, wondering if those were tears coming down from Mama.
I got into my li’l Toyota Civic that I’d copped a week ago from the money I had hustled. Quickly, I grabbed a blunt that I’d rolled earlier and lit it. I needed something to help ease the pain. I hadn’t been able to sleep or eat since I got the call that she was gone. What was eating me up the most was the fact that she and I had not been talking. I was so fucking mad at her that I kept ignoring her calls. I never thought in a million years that the last time that we got into it would be the last time I laid eyes on her.
I didn’t give a fuck how many times we fought or how many times I told her that I hated her. At the end of the day, she was my mama, and the only person I had in the world. See, I knew my mama was into some shit, lying to niggas and all that, but the shit didn’t matter to me ’cause she always made sure we ate and had a roof over our heads. The shit started to bother me when she kept letting that fuck nigga beat on her, and then days later, she’d take him back. I used to sit in my room, listening to her crying over that nigga. I tried to tell her to leave his ass alone, but she didn’t listen. She allowed that nigga to play her, which resulted in her death.
I took one last pull off the weed, then drove away. This was the day that my life changed. On my dead mama’s grave, I vowed to seek revenge on everyone that caused her harm. Yes, I am Josiah, and I am my mama’s keeper.
Chapter Nineteen
Hassan Clarke
Present Day . . .
I can’t believe that I tried that weak-ass move, attempting to kill myself. After that fucking judge sentenced me to all of that time, I became sick. Nah, I wasn’t physically sick, but mentally. I couldn’t sleep, and the thoughts of being locked up broke me down.
I was grateful that somebody was watching over me and saw fit to keep a nigga alive. I had too much shit on this earth to do, but the most important thing was paying that bitch, Destiny, back in full. I knew in my gut that I didn’t kill Imani, and from experience as a lawyer, I saw guilt written all over Destiny’s face.
See, that wicked bitch had a lot of people fooled, but not me. I saw that bitch for the snake she really was, and the way that she performed in that courtroom only confirmed that her sole purpose was to get rid of Imani and place the blame on me. I didn’t know how she had pulled it off, but I knew that she had something to do with it.
* * *
“Hey, babe,” Tanya said as I walked into the visitation room.
“Hey, babe,” I greeted her.
Over the past few months, Tanya and I had grown closer. After all was said and done, she was the only bitch that stuck around when the shit hit the fan. Although she and that little bastard annoyed me at times with all that whining and shit, I still had to keep her close. She was the only one that made sure I was straight. Mama had been up here to visit, but because I’m not out there, money was kind of tight with her. I tried to tell her that this shit would be over soon, and her baby boy would be home. The look she gave me kind of let me know that she felt like I was feeding her bullshit. The pain that I saw in my mama’s eyes made me feel like a piece of shit. I knew that I had to get up out of here one way or another.
“Hey, babe, you all right?” Tanya interrupted my thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m good. So how you been doing at the new job?”
“Job? If that’s what you call it. Did your lawyer get you your money yet?”
“Damn. You acting like it’s your shit,” I snapped.
I was getting sick and tired of that white bitch asking me about my damn money. She was behaving just like those money-hungry bitches, Imani and Destiny.
“Babe, I didn’t mean to make you upset. Calm down. I just need a little something for Hassim and me. We’ve been struggling, you know.” She started to cry.
This bitch must not know where the fuck I am. Shit, she selfish as hell. All she cares about is herself and that li’l monkey that I’m not even sure is mine, I thought.
“Babe, don’t cry. I tell you over and over that I’m almost out of here. Shit, you might have to do what you have to do ’til I come home. I wouldn’t look at you any less.” I stared at her.
“What are you saying to me, Hassan?” She looked puzzled.
“You know you’re a very attractive girl, and you need money. Shit, a little fucking and sucking here and there ain’t goin’ hurt nothing, as long as the nigga’s paying.”
“Really? You would want the mother of your child to go out and sell her pussy?”
“Ouch, you make that shit sound so bad. Tanya, a woman’s got to do what she’s got to do to feed her offspring. It ain’t as bad as it sounds.”
She looked at me and started crying more. I had no idea why she was acting like that. I mean, the bitch said she was broke, and I was only trying to help her ass out.
“Visitation is up,” I heard the burly guard yell.
Without another word, Tanya walked away from me. I wanted to holler at her, but instead, I kept quiet. I knew her ass couldn’t stay mad at me for long.
Destiny Clarke
God knows I didn’t need any more drama in my life. The day the judge sentenced Hassan, I just knew it was over. Who was I fooling? Something that he said to me when I visited him kept coming back to me, and to make matters worse, Amaiya brought that letter from him to her. I couldn’t say that I was a bit surprised that he was appealing his case. Hassan was a damn good lawyer that fought for others, so I knew he wasn’t going to go down like that. Not without a fight.
“Babe, is something bothering you? It’s damn near 2:00 a.m., and you’re wide awake,” Spencer said as I lay beside him thinking.
“I can’t sleep again. Is there any chance of Hassan getting out of prison? I swear, Spencer, I can’t go through this shit all over again.”
“You want the truth? I’ma give it to yo
u. He can be granted a new trial, and if he does, he may be given bond until his new court date.”
“So, they would just let a criminal walk out of jail?” I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I thought of the possibilities.
“Destiny, listen to me, babe. I swear on my dead mama, if that nigga come anywhere close to you or even breathes on you, I’m going to dead that nigga. I promise you that.” He stared into my eyes. I could tell that he was dead serious by his tone and the look in his eyes.
“Lord, I don’t need this to get that far,” I whispered a prayer in my heart.
I lay there as he squeezed my arm like he was trying to protect me. See, Spencer thought I needed protection from Hassan, but that weak-ass nigga wasn’t my issue. My biggest fear is going to prison. I knew damn well I had killed Imani and framed Hassan, I thought.
Chapter Twenty
Josiah Clarke
“When I was young me and my mama had beef
Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets . . .”
I was definitely in my zone as I searched through my mama’s things. I had my little CD player on repeat, playing Tupac’s song “Mama.” I tried not to break down ’cause a nigga wasn’t weak, but the words of that song had me feeling some type of way. I picked up a picture of us from the coffee table when I was a little boy. Even though I had no memory of that day, the picture said it all. It was back in the day when she was happy and full of life. I looked at the way she hugged me. I knew she felt proud. I threw the picture into the bag and started bawling. It was the first time since her death that I was able to let out any kind of emotions.
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