So Screwed

by Melissa Marino

  “He’s good, sweetie. He’s getting all his shit straightened out. Of course Aaron and their dad, have him on a short leash because of all of the money, but Abel has been going above and beyond. The teaching job is going well, and he’s still working at WET a few nights a week. Plus, since he moved out of the building, it—”

  I snapped my head toward her. “Wait. What? He moved out of the apartment?”

  “Ah. Yeah. It was his idea, too. He figured instead of his parents letting him live there rent-free, he’d move out so Daniel and Leslie could get renters. It’s more than what Abel could repay what his dad fronted for the payoff.”

  I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Every word made less sense than the next.

  “Why do you look like that?” Callie asked. “Didn’t you know he moved out?”

  “No. He never said, not that we had much of a chance to talk about our current living situations. And what are you talking about the money? Why does he owe Aaron and Daniel so much money?”

  Her jaw dropped open, which she immediately covered with her hand. “Are you serious? You don’t know?” she mumbled.

  I slapped her hand. “What?” I shouted loud enough for the people at the nearby tables to turn around.

  “I…don’t know if I should be the one to tell you this. You really should let Abel tell you because—”

  I was going to scream again, but instead of causing a scene, I decided to cause a bit of a smaller one. I leaned over the table and clasped my hand over her mouth. “Listen to me,” I hissed. “You are going to tell me everything. I mean everything. I mean every single damn detail down to the minute. You’re going to do this because you’re my best friend and you don’t want to see me lose my mind. Do you understand?”

  She nodded and I released my grip. Both of us picked up our champagne glasses at the same time and drained what was left in them.

  “What’s that lotion you’re wearing?” she asked. “Is it that stuff from Bliss? The lemon one?”

  I glared at her as she motioned our server over. He stepped over, and Callie circled the table with her index finger. “We’re going to need one more round, Omar.”

  “Ladies going hard-core at brunch,” he said, picking up our empty glasses. “I like it.”

  He winked at me as he walked away, and although a bit on the vertically challenged side, he wasn’t bad. This was the time I knew Abel changed something in me. There was a time I’d be interested. Now? All I could concentrate on was what the hell was going on with him.

  “Yes,” I said. “Bliss. Now, please tell me.”

  She took in a deep breath. “Okay. So, you know how Abel was going to get married to that girl Dafne no one had even ever heard of?”

  “Yes. I seem to recall, Callie,” I answered, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “I’m prefacing. You don’t need to be a bitch about it. Anyway, well, I guess they met when he was playing poker at those underground games. She was there one night when you were gone, and Abel lost big. Like, a lot big.”

  “Are you kidding me? Like, how much money? And how come he never told me?”

  Omar came back, and we paused as he set the drinks down in front of us. He lingered a bit, looking between us, but without saying anything.

  “Thanks,” I said. “We’ll let you know if we need anything.”

  As he stepped away, Callie gave me a dirty look. “Don’t treat servers like that!”

  “Like what?”

  “Rude! That was me for a lot of years.”

  “I wasn’t being rude because he was a server. I was being rude because we’re obviously in the middle of a conversation and he was gawking. Regardless,” I said, picking up my Bellini and taking a large sip. “Continue.”

  “I’m not sure why he didn’t tell you. I guess he was really embarrassed. He had gotten in trouble with gambling before and swore he wouldn’t do it again, but I guess, in an effort to try and go in financially with Aaron with the new bar, he started doing it again to make money. He lost big, and he didn’t want to go to Aaron and tell him, ‘Hey, I owe over $400,000. Can you give me a hand with that?’ He and his dad were going on and on about being proud of him for getting his shit together. I guess he felt he couldn’t go to them and you and tell you what he did.”

  It could’ve been all the sugar from the French toast or all the booze, but hearing $400,000 made me light-headed. “Shit, Callie.”

  “I know. Take a sip because you’ll need it for this next part.”

  This worried me even more, but I did as she said.

  “Okay,” she continued. “Long story short, and to be honest, I can’t tell you all the details because I only know what Aaron told me, and boys always leave out the best parts, but the debt was going to be forgiven if Abel agreed to marry Dafne, who happens to be Benji’s, the head of all the poker games, mistress.”

  “Why the hell would he agree to that?”

  “I guess Benji was threatening to hurt people Abel loved. He couldn’t marry Dafne because he is already married. She’s his side chick. So, with her visa expiring, they needed to figure something out. He was desperate. Done deal.”

  “No. It wasn’t a done deal. He didn’t tell me! He didn’t…anything!”

  “I know. And believe me, when I got him in my claws, I went after him so hard he’ll probably be scarred for life. But now that time has gone by, I can understand why he did it. I’m not saying it was right at all. Not even a little bit. But I understand.”

  “How can you even say that to me?”

  “Because I’ve done things I knew were wrong, and it wasn’t because I didn’t love Aaron. It was because I was trying to protect him.”

  “You fibbing about something is a little different than you getting married to someone else behind his back. And while we’re on the subject, why didn’t he?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe his conscience caught up to him. He came clean to Aaron and that’s how it went down.”

  “I can’t believe any of this. I mean, he was going to marry someone else instead of trusting any of us to help? It’s ridiculous.”

  “I’m not disagreeing with you. It is. Sitting here with you and saying it out loud, it seems impossible, but he didn’t see a way out. Plus, take some time to see it from his perspective. If someone was threatening to hurt or harm any of us, wouldn’t you do whatever you could to make sure that didn’t happen?”

  I hadn’t cried in front of her since the night of the Christmas party when she laid in bed with me. I prided myself on keeping it together, but after what she said, tears began to fall. There was no way of even knowing what part of the story was making me so emotional.

  “I should’ve been his out,” I whispered. “It should have been me.”

  * * *

  There was a certain comfort in knowing the truth, but comfort didn’t replace anger. So much hurt could’ve been avoided if he’d only told the truth. Even now, it would’ve been nice to know the whole thing was a farce so I could’ve stopped blaming myself. I’d said everything I needed to say to him already, but that was before today. There was so much I wanted to get off my chest. It was why I stood outside of WET later that night, or next morning, considering it was close to two a.m.

  I paced back and forth at the corner of the building, a fine mist of rain dampening my hair and coat. It was chilly, but not cold. Or maybe the march I had going at kept me warm enough. It was a safe distance, knowing I’d see him when he exited, but still far away enough. Patrons wandered out, shaky on their feet and voices loud from too much liquor. Anxiety swirled around me, settling into my brain and telling me this was a bad idea. Was I going to be opening a door that should be kept closed? Was I inviting in more confusion and making it even more difficult to completely move on?

  I wasn’t sure so, I knew better than to take a chance. My car was parked on the opposite side of the building, so I had to step across the fading dandelion to get to it. Coincidence was a bitch bec
ause the moment my foot passed the dandelion the hidden door popped open. Tyler saw me and I knew I was caught.

  “Hey, stranger,” he said. “What are you doing out here?”

  “Oh, well. I was going to,” I said, motioning at the door he was holding open, but then wondering what to say. I didn’t know how much or how little the people he worked with knew.

  “Get in here. It’s cold and rainy,” he said.

  “Actually. I was going to head home instead because I was, and then, I…don’t think…and whatever.”

  There was no judgment from him over my babble, but only a warm smile, which led me to believe he knew enough to not pass judgment. “Listen,” he said, leaning against the door. “There’s only a few stragglers left. If you don’t want to go into the bar, I can go get him for you and you won’t have to leave the front.”

  Him.

  It was why I was there. If I walked away again, I’d still have to carry all the thoughts that had been running through my head all day, all these months, with me for a long time. I was tired of carrying.

  “Okay,” I said.

  The florets that guided me to the door were almost gone. As I stepped inside, I wondered if they were going to replace them with something else. I wasn’t prepared for all my senses to remember WET all at the same time. I hadn’t been inside since the night I came with Bridget and most of that evening was a bit fuzzy.

  “Hang tight, Evelyn. I’ll go get him,” Tyler said, unhooking the velvet rope. He disappeared around the corner, but he stepped back. “It’s good to see you.”

  I tried to run my hands through my wet hair, but a messy knot of tangles and hair spray made it impossible. There was no doubt I looked a mess, and while I wasn’t here to impress anyone, I didn’t want anyone to get the impression I wasn’t okay. Weakness wasn’t something I admired in others, nor myself. My hand dug around my bag searching for my lipstick, but with the dim lights, I couldn’t see. Maybe I should’ve come earlier because it was so quiet inside. It made me uneasy. No. I came when I did because I knew he’d be busy otherwise.

  I heard his voice before I saw him. My heart recognized it before my brain. It was funny how that worked.

  I only saw half of him before I saw him completely. He was so tentative with his steps, curving around the corner and into the hallway. His expression was confused, like he couldn’t believe I was there. I couldn’t believe it, either. The beard was coming back in, more like overgrown stubble now, and his face looked how I’d always remembered it. His white button-down was like all the others he usually wore, and while he didn’t look as thin as the last time I saw him, it still was big on him. Unlike the last time few times I saw him when he seemed like a different person, he was Abel again.

  “Hey,” he said, stopping several feet away from me. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. I, well, no, everything isn’t okay. I mean, nothing urgent, but—” I paused to gather my thoughts before continuing. “I need to talk to you. I had brunch with Callie this morning and she told me…everything.”

  His head tilted to the side and he ran his hands through his hair. “Okay, well, I’m about done here. We can step into Marshall’s office.”

  “Won’t he mind?”

  “No. He’s in California for the next few days checking up on the new place.”

  “Why is he there?”

  His fingers were fumbling with the cuffs of his shirt. “He bought out my share,” he said without looking at me.

  The money. Maybe he would’ve given it up anyway, but he was paying his debt. Chipping away at what he could control, the apartment, the bar, in a way he could.

  “I heard you moved, too.”

  “Seems that she did tell you everything, huh?”

  “Don’t be angry at her. I made her tell me.”

  He shrugged. “I’m not angry at her. I would’ve told you myself, but—”

  “But what?”

  “Come on. Let’s go somewhere private,” he said, stepping back to let me through.

  His hand brushed across my back, and even through my coat, feeling that little bit of him made me shiver. I tried not to look around too much as we headed to Marshall’s office. There were too many memories. The nights I sat and watched him work, dazzled by his ability to make every customer smile. The nights Marshall and I would bust his balls and get him going, only to take him home to my bed where I’d lick his wounds. The nights I came with Bridget. The first time when I knew there was more to him than the overtly sexed and slightly inappropriate man. And the last time I was here, vomiting in the bathroom and knowing I’d never been lower.

  Walking into Marshall’s office wasn’t any easier. My mind recalled the night I showed him my “I Need a Stiff One” undies, and Marshall busted us fooling around. We were happy then. Even when he went alpha on me after we left the room, and he went down on me as we drove to his apartment, we were happy. It was love then. I just didn’t know it.

  I took in a deep breath as Abel shut the door behind us, and I heard him do the same. He stepped over to Marshall’s desk and flipped down the hutch on top, retrieving a bottle of bourbon and two glasses.

  “Provisions,” he said, pouring the liquor into the crystal whiskey glasses.

  “That seems like a smart idea. I’m not sure the two-finger pour will be enough, so I wouldn’t put the bottle away if I were you.”

  He handed me a glass. “Not a chance.”

  We stood with our glasses, wondering if we should do the courtesy clink, but it seemed almost too intimate. Instead, he lifted his to his mouth, tilting it slightly as a gesture, before bringing it to his lips. I followed, taking in a large sip, letting the warmth of the liquor hit my veins to take the edge off my nerves. He took longer, and I watched him swallow once, pause, and then take in another.

  It was just enough of the liquid courage I needed.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

  He took one more sip. “I wanted to. I should have.” He shook his head. “No. That’s bullshit. I didn’t tell you then because I was scared out of my mind. I was scared of anyone, of you, getting hurt because of a stupid mistake I made. I was also so fucking embarrassed. I thought you’d hate who I was. It ate away at me. I couldn’t bear the thought of you hating me, and even though in the end what I did was worse. It was all about me, and then it was all about everyone else and me trying to save you. I didn’t figure that in. It was fucked up. I know that now.”

  “You didn’t try. You didn’t do anything except let me find out from Callie.”

  “You’re right. I could stand here and say that wasn’t exactly what happened. Or that it isn’t how I wanted it to happen, that I thought I’d have time to figure out what to tell you. It would all be semantics.”

  “How do you think this makes me feel?”

  He blew out another large breath. “I can’t imagine. From my perspective, I wasn’t going to assume you wanted to know about anything. I wanted you to be able to handle things in your way, in your own time. If this conversation never occurred, I would’ve had to be okay with it. I was leaving it up to you because I didn’t do that before. Maybe it was another mistake, but with it all being laid out in front of me, I’m really trying to do the right thing now.”

  I’d come expecting an argument or, in the very least, a firm denial about his role, but it wasn’t happening. He was owning up, and it was completely unexpected. I decided to push harder. It was almost like it was easy for him, and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

  “So, you chose to get married to someone else over me?”

  “Yes,” he said, bringing his glass to his mouth again. After he swallowed, he continued. “I needed to figure it out on my own, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t go to Aaron or my parents and let them know I messed up again. I was drowning and I was not going to allow any of you to go down with me.”

  I looked down at my shoes, the patent leather still showing droplets of rain. He loved these shoes. “I
would’ve helped you,” I muttered. “I should’ve been the hand.”

  “The money, beautiful. It was so much money. Plus, I didn’t want you to know how much of a failure I really was. My mind was so twisted. I thought you hating me because I was marrying someone else would be an easier redemption than knowing how much I failed as a man. That was worse for me at the time. It was wrong. It was so fucking wrong.”

  It was the first time he’d called me beautiful. I didn’t think he even realized he did it. I’d never forgotten, but what I didn’t recall was how it made my bones ache, made my insides vibrate against every syllable.

  It made me furious.

  I set my glass down on the bookcase next to me. “You know, I hear the words. I hear every single one you’ve said so far. They go around and around my head,” I said, spinning my index finger around my head. “All the time. I turn it over and over, and I can’t make sense of it. So, I’m going to need you to explain to me why I meant so little to you that you could fuck me over so hard you didn’t even think that telling me you were getting married wasn’t the first thing you did.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Evelyn, first off. You didn’t mean little to me,” he said before his eyes opened to mine. “You meant everything. You were, you are, absolutely everything to me. And I wanted to be everything for you. I wanted to be the man you desired in every sense. I wanted to, I don’t know, provide for you, and take care of myself, and take you on vacation, and be strong and ambitious. I love you enough to want to be better, to be who you deserved.”

  “But that’s ridiculous. I didn’t want any of that. You were already all I needed or wanted. Was money ever an issue? Did I ever demand a vacation or jewelry or make you believe I gave a shit about any of that?”

  “No,” he answered calmly. “But it wasn’t about you. That’s what I keep telling you. It was all me. It was twisted and fucked up, but it was how I rationalized it. Hell, even now, me trying to explain my state of mind then, it sounds like I’m trying to justify it. I did, but that was then. I had to take it, and swallow it, and let it sink into my body before I realized it.”