So Screwed

by Melissa Marino

  “There’s no easy way out. Marrying someone else was easy. Telling the truth was the hard way. You need to think about that because if there is ever a chance for me, or someone else in the future, you have to be willing to deal with the hard. I would’ve dealt with it. We could have done it together. That’s what couples in, what I thought was, a committed relationship do. Trust each other. You should’ve trusted me enough. You should’ve trusted us enough.”

  “I didn’t know how to do that then. I know that’s not a good explanation, but I couldn’t tell you I owed that kind of money. There was no way to come up with it. And if I didn’t pay Benji, then I don’t even want to think about what he was capable of doing. A buddy of mine got thrown off a building because he couldn’t pay up in time. Again, it’s so delusional I can’t even believe it myself, but at that moment, when trying to put shit back together, I saw a way out. It’s like when you tell a lie, and then have to tell another to cover it up. You want to come clean, but you look at the tangled web you’ve created, and you feel trapped. That was me. When it came down to it, I couldn’t let the lies keep me from what I knew to be true.”

  My skin tingled because it was all so much. “You need fucking therapy, Abel.”

  He tipped what was left in his glass into his mouth, swallowing hard. “I know. I’m getting it now. Also, Gamblers Anonymous.”

  “Did someone make you do that?”

  He shook his head. “No, I needed help. I realized that. Every move I made, walking into that first meeting, finding a therapist and shit was all me.”

  I was glad and surprised. There were a lot of things about this conversation that hadn’t gone how I thought it would have. Maybe he wasn’t the same Abel inside, even though he was on the outside.

  I returned to my own glass, lifting it from the bookcase, leaving a ring behind. “What changed your mind?” I asked, downing the rest of mine.

  “Sorry?”

  “Why didn’t you marry her? It could’ve all been over and done with, but here you are. You’re trying to clean up the mess.”

  “I didn’t marry her because of one simple reason. She wasn’t the one. You’re the one.”

  It burned stronger than the whiskey swirling around my stomach. The heels of my shoes swayed beneath me, but I knew I couldn’t fall apart. I couldn’t let the words that used to mean something to me let me forget.

  He took a step toward me, only one, and paused. “It’s unforgivable. What I did. It’s all on me. I understand if you can’t. I really do. I’m not sure if I’d be able to if the roles were reversed, but it would be unforgivable to myself to not try my damnedest to make you remember why you once loved me.”

  “Forgiving and forgetting are two different things,” I said. “Forgiving I can work on, but I’ll never forget. I don’t know how I can look at you without thinking about it.”

  “Beautiful,” he said. “I miss you. I miss you so much.”

  I missed him, too. I missed all the good things about him, about us, but the bad things clouded over all of it. There was a large part of me that wanted to say, Screw it. He messed up, but it’s over now. But I knew the doubt I had for him would still be there.

  “I…don’t know how to justify this, Abel,” I said. “I don’t. I can’t wrap my mind around forgiving you for this and still being able to respect myself. It’ll always be in the back of my mind. Always.”

  “I’m not asking you to forgive me right now, but please. If you need time, and need me to leave you alone, I’ll do it, for however long you need me to. If you need me to, I don’t know, hell, go to Antarctica, I will. All I know is you’re the one. You’re the one for me, and we were special together. Look at me,” he begged. “We know this was special. We know because we lived it.”

  “I know, but you didn’t trust me. I trusted you and you broke that.”

  “I did and whatever comes from that I’ll have to take. But I can’t forget about us, what we had, and know how special it was.”

  An anger shot right through me, fierce and unexpected, and I wasn’t going to hold back. “You’re right. What we did have was special, and I think that is the hardest part of all of this because now I don’t know what to do with this…feeling…of stupidity I feel like is written all over my forehead. It did seem special, and it was a love I’d never known before. Never in my life did I think such devotion existed. But now, I feel so naive for believing. I feel so damn stupid for believing in the fairy tale, but like those fairy-tale weddings I help plan, it was all an illusion.”

  “And that breaks me apart inside, beautiful. It makes me want to run and hide it hurts so bad, but I’m going to stand here and take it. It’s my penance for what I did. Any other time in my life, I’d try to pin it on someone else or allow others to think, Oh, that’s how Abel is. Not this time.”

  “Why should I believe you?”

  “I don’t know why. Maybe because this has finally made me grow the hell up. Maybe because when I lost you I knew my actions had reactions and I never want to feel that way again. Maybe because I’m getting help to understand all of it. Or maybe because I’m telling you everything, that I’m leaving it all on the table this time. There’s nothing I’m holding back, and I know you can’t trust in that right now, and I need to prove it to you, but it’s everything I have. Everything I have I’m giving to you.”

  His pleading eyes broke through all I was holding together. A lump formed in the back of my throat, and I couldn’t find the words to continue. I came looking for answers, but as I stood there, I had hundreds more questions.

  “I need to go,” I whispered.

  He opened his mouth to respond, but before he did, his jaw snapped shut. “Okay,” he said, nodding. “I’ll walk you out.”

  The silent pauses between us must have lasted longer than I’d thought because as we exited Marshall’s office, the bar was empty. The candles had been extinguished and the bar had been wiped down to a shine. I paused, running my fingers over the smooth surface while I recalled how I fell in love with him here. He was still here, but it was all different.

  “Did you forget something?” he asked.

  My back was to him as I considered if I did forget something. I’d said I wanted to leave, so why couldn’t I?

  “Evelyn?” he asked.

  “You moved?”

  “Ah, yeah. I’m sure Callie filled you in, but it was the right thing to do. I should’ve done it a long time ago. This makes sense considering how much money and…”

  He trailed off, and I wasn’t sure why. I had to turn around to see he was doing his own daydreaming. Night dreaming. Dreaming.

  His gaze was focused above my head when he said in faint voice, “I forgot a lot of things, but mostly I was thinking about you seeing my new place. It’s such a dump, but it doesn’t really bother me.”

  “As long as you’re happy,” I said.

  His eyes shifted as if he remembered where he was, who he was with. “I’m not unhappy, but—”

  “No buts,” I said, stopping him. “That’s enough. And you’re teaching, yes?”

  He smiled, and it was the first time I’d seen his dimples in months. It was also the first time I’d seen anything resembling happiness come from him.

  “Freshman high school English.”

  “I was always afraid you’d end up in high school.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you’re going to have a whole lot of young girls falling in love with you.”

  “I doubt that. I’m pretty hard-core.”

  “A dreamy-looking teacher with wit to match? Come on.”

  The dimples disappeared and he frowned. “Dreamy and wit? You still think that?”

  “I never stopped thinking that.”

  The stare down that followed rivaled any epic battles. Everything around us stood still—time, the earth—except our breathing. With every rise and fall of his chest, my heart beat faster, harder. I’d never know who moved first or why, but we met in the middle.
Two large strides for him, and nearly a sprint for me, before our bodies crashed into each other, creating the most beautiful annihilation.

  Our mouths, our hands, all at once. It was like the day out in the alley, but it was nothing like that. The alley was all in vain and shrouded in torment. Today was a release, a remembrance.

  He lifted me up onto the bar, but our kisses never broke. We’d already had so much broken. I grabbed at his shirt to bring him closer, as close as I could get him, with such force I was sure there’d be scratch marks on his chest left behind by me.

  His lips tasted of bourbon and him. One familiar and the other a recollection backed by a flood of memories.

  He pushed it all into me. Every lie, every regret, and he placed it all on me.

  He gave me it all and I took every single bit of it. I took from his lips and in the fistfuls of his hair I held in my hands. I took his muttered words against my lips, the way he repeated over and over “I’m so, so in love with you.”

  He was so brave, so unafraid. I wanted to push him away for reminding me why I fell in love with him.

  I took it from his tongue moving with mine because he still knew how I liked it.

  I took it all because there was nothing left of me.

  And he fucking owed it to me.

  We were winded and weak not only from the kisses, but from all the things they were backed by. He leaned his head against mine, brushing his fingers up and down the back of my neck. My own touch moved across his stubble, his jaw and down his neck.

  “The dandelion outside?” I whispered.

  “It was the last wish I had.”

  “I need time,” I said.

  “And I’m going to give it to you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  ABEL—

  I never knew I could be so exhausted and so exhilarated at the same time. Working two jobs, along with everything else I had going on, left little time for sleep. As I sat in my car after school, I leaned back against the headrest. The warmth from the late-day sun shining through the windshield would be enough to gently nudge me into sleep, but there were too many other things to do. Grading papers, print shop, meeting, and since it was Thursday, a shortened shift at WET. I’d never known such a hectic schedule, but it all seemed right. The high school I was at offered me a full-time job for the fall teaching Senior English and acting as advisor for the school newspaper. It was a damn dream come true.

  Except it wasn’t.

  She was always the one thing missing.

  I started the car and pulled out of the faculty parking lot, which in and of itself was a trip, considering I didn’t feel old enough to be a teacher. Almost two months since she showed up at WET and not a word from her since. When I’d promised her time, I didn’t know it was an indefinite term. Then again, I didn’t know much about anything as far as we were concerned.

  My phone vibrated, shaking against the loose change in the cup holder, with a call. I hit the answer button, receiving from the speaker.

  “What’s up, Aaron?” I asked.

  “Callie wants to make sure you’re coming for Delilah’s party on Saturday?” he asked. He sounded exasperated, which was probably a result of Callie standing next to him, making sure he was calling me.

  “Yes. I’ll be there. Although I don’t know about the whole Alice in Wonderland thing.”

  “Yeah, well, me neither, but it’s what the girls want. I’m sure you’ll understand some day that giving in to the women in your life is a lot easier than fighting about…Ouch! What the hell was that for?”

  “Hi Callie,” I shouted. “Leave him alone. I’ll be there.”

  There was a brief exchange of muffled words before Aaron returned. “Everything else cool?”

  “Yeah. Everything is cool.”

  A several second pause followed, which I knew meant he was fishing for something.

  He wanted to ask how things were really, if I was keeping myself in check. He wanted to ask how my new place was and if I got the leaky shower fixed yet. He wanted to ask how the teaching was going and if I’d talked to Evelyn. He wanted to ask, but he wanted me to tell him. We were both stubborn pussies.

  “It’ll be good to see you,” he said. “Miss you.”

  I’d been scarce mostly for the excuse of being too busy, but before then it was out of pure embarrassment. Somewhere in the middle and bleeding into the present was I didn’t want to see Evelyn. Excuses got me nowhere before.

  “See you Saturday. Miss you, too,” I said.

  Maybe we were both just plain ol’ pussies.

  We hung up, and I continued to navigate my way to the other side of the city during Chicago rush hour, which lasted from three p.m. to seven p.m. most days. It sucked I’d have to hike it back to get to WET, but I could hit the other places on my list within one metered spot. A coveted parking spot like the one I found outside Lightning Printing was nothing to fuck with.

  “Excuse me,” I said to the woman behind the counter. Her green polo shirt with the business logo on the side of the collar was clearly too big since the open buttons exposed the top of a lacy black bra.

  “Yes?” she answered, tossing her long braided hair over her shoulder.

  “I sent an order over this morning and I think it should be ready.”

  “What’s the last name?”

  “Matthews.”

  She typed something into the computer, her fake teal-painted nails tapping against the keys. “I hope your first name isn’t Matthew,” she said glancing at me out of the corner of her eye.

  “Ah. No,” I said. “Abel.”

  “Good. I like that much better,” she said. She focused on the computer screen before continuing. “Okay. You paid for it already and it’s all set. I’ll go get it.”

  She sauntered off, looking back at me when she did. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive, but I was fairly sure that when Evelyn and I ended shit, she took a piece of my heart with her, along with my libido. I mean, everything was still in working order, but as far as wanting to get it on with anyone, it wasn’t there anymore. A year ago, I’d fuck anything with a pair of tits and a knowing smile.

  “Here you go,” she said, returning with a thick manila envelope. She slid the contents out, running her fingers over the text.

  It bothered me. Those words weren’t for her touch.

  “Do you want to take a look? This is a pretty big…package,” she said, looking me up and down. “There’s no one in the back room if you’d like some privacy.”

  God. Was I that bad? Not only that, but was I that obvious and it worked? Guys didn’t take much work. You offered, we’d take. It was simple. What we never factored in was that falling in love with someone took it all away. It was so amazingly fucked up.

  “No thank you,” I said, turning the stack of papers toward me. I tapped the sides to get it all lined up before carefully edging it back into the envelope. “I’m all set.”

  “Are you?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

  I grabbed the envelope and tucked it under my arm. “Totally and completely.”

  I didn’t wait for a response or reaction because I didn’t care. It probably came across as a douche bag move and I’d have to work on it, but one thing at a time.

  I jogged across the street to Starbucks to grab a triple-shot Venti something with extra-caffeine thing. Glancing at my phone, I was glad it was only 4:27 p.m. It would be tight, but I’d have time to grade the last of the papers I had to do before moving on. Of course as luck would have it, the line was at least ten people deep when I entered. There was one empty chair at the bar facing the street where I could set up, but there was no telling how long it would be there. I unbuttoned my gray cardigan and stepped over to the empty chair, hanging the sweater over the back to call dibs before returning to the line.

  Two girls in front of me, both petite with matching blond hair extensions, were laughing, looking at something on a cell phone. They were also identical in matching black yoga pan
ts with YOU WISH in hot-pink letters across the ass.

  “I mean, his jizz was epic and, like, not in a good way,” the one on the left said. “Like, there was so much of it.”

  “Like what does that even mean?” Right asked.

  “Well, I was only being polite and he was so hot so I didn’t back down when he gave me the head tap he was about to unload, but had I known he was capable of shooting a gun loaded with a pint of Twinkie filling into my mouth, I wouldn’t have been so nice.”

  I snorted because Twinkie filling was one I hadn’t heard before. My laugh must’ve been louder than I’d intended because both girls turned around at the same time, with an oddly similar disgusted expression.

  Shit. If they weren’t twins, then they needed to stop practicing to be the twins from The Shining.

  I cleared my throat and mumbled, “Sorry.”

  “Holy. Shit,” Lefty shouted. “Abel Matthews.”

  “No way,” the other said.

  Crap.

  This wasn’t good.

  “Ah, hey,” I answered. I couldn’t say their names because I couldn’t remember them, but there were body shots, I think, but definitely a threesome with the both of them.

  “Jen,” Right said.

  “Jess.”

  “Of course. Sisters, right?”

  “You know, you were a dick for what happened, standing me up for the sorority formal,” Jess or Jen said. I’d forgotten already. “But you are an even bigger asshole, and a disgusting one at that, for thinking we’re sisters. Do you think sisters do…that?”

  “Yeah?” the other said.

  Could I not catch a break today? It was as if the universe was trying to present me with a sampling of bad behaviors of the past, and with the printer place girl, trying to tempt me with the fruit I didn’t want anymore.

  All I could think was: What the fuck? Is this the This Is Your Life version of my sex life?

  The line moved forward, but the girls stayed put. I glanced out the corner of my eye, and there was a coffee shop full of people watching me getting my balls busted.

  “Are you going to say anything?” Jess/Jen asked.