Being Diane

by Dennis Adkins

  Chapter 10

  School was the same as always and I wasn't really focused on it. That afternoon after the last bell rang I walked out and waited in the parking lot for Ms. Givens. I really didn't want to do this especially after all that happened yesterday. Then it hit me, a lot has been happening to me since Granddaddy died. Now we were dirt poor and Dad wasn't coming back nor was he going to help, not that he had ever really helped us. I thought that I really needed to get a part time job to help out. I was going to talk to Ralph to see what he thought about it.

  I was so lost in thought that I didn't hear Ms. Givens come walking up to me. “Hey, honey, what are you so deep in thought about? This is the first time that you haven’t watched my every move since I have met you.”

  She gave me such a start that I almost jumped out of my skin. “Don't sneak up on me like that! I was thinking about finding an after school job.” I said.

  “Is there something that you need to tell me?” she asked and handed me the box she was carrying. Then she reached up and moved the hair out of my eyes. “Come on get in and let's get going so we can get through earlier. Chrissy is supposed to meet us there soon.”

  I caught myself looking at her as she got in the car and once again her skirt rode up and this time she didn't pull it down. Today she was wearing panty hose and I liked them very much. I still admired her so much and still melted when she called me “honey”. I was beginning to really enjoy doing schoolwork at her house.

  “Ms. Givens do you think that I am doomed?” I asked.

  She suddenly stopped the car and looked at me with a pained expression. “Sweetheart why would you ask a question like that?”

  “It just seems as though since my Granddaddy died I have had one negative thing after another to happen to me. I feel as though God hates me and I don't know why. I have been beaten, shot and lied about in the last few months. I just wish I had the strength to live through this.” I said.

  She reached over to me and brushed my hair and while she didn't say anything, I could see she was thinking hard about it. “Honey, are you thinking about taking your life?”

  “I really haven't thought about it, but I do ask God to take my life so I won't have to suffer so much.” I said and turned and looked out the window so she wouldn't see me tearing up. The only time in the last few months that I felt happy was when I was at your house the first time.”

  “Was it the clothes, or was it the acceptance that you got while wearing them, or was it something else?” She asked.

  A knock on the window interrupted our conversation and she rolled the window down to greet Mr. Alverez. “Is everything alright here?” He asked her, but was looking at me. I knew he could tell that I was crying.

  “Yes, we were just having a serious little talk about his progress. I think he is concerned that no matter how hard he tries, it is never enough. However I know that he is doing so much better now than before.” explained Ms. Givens.

  “Yes, well, I was just concerned. Dennis I know that you are doing better, all of your teachers have noticed it too. So don't worry you're going to be fine. Oh and I happen to like the name Diane.” and he turned and walked away.

  Both of us stared at him open mouthed and then we both broke out into howls of laughter. Ms. Givens stopped laughing long enough to drive off and as she did, she saw Sally and Annie with the other girls walking down the street. “Should we give them a ride?” she asked me.

  “That's up to you. I mean it's your car.” I said hoping she would stop and offer them a ride. Sally hadn't been around much that day and I was beginning to miss her and the others.

  She stopped beside them and I rolled down my window. The girls all ran up the car talking all at once. “Hi, girls. Dennis demanded that I stop and ask you if you wanted a ride.” I blushed and shot her a 'Oh No You Didn't' look.

  “Sure.” They all said and opened the door and Sally made me scoot to the middle again and she sat in my lap. The rest all piled in the back and front. Carey was sitting next to me and Amy got in right behind me. They were all talking and giggling about one of the guys putting the move on Annie. Sally had her arms around my neck and I was holding onto her waist when she suddenly leaned in and kissed me again. Ms. Givens smacked her on the bottom.

  “That hurt besides I haven't had a chance to kiss him all day.” she whined.

  “Yeah, where have you been? I didn't see you any except in English and a little in History. Then you all ran out together. I thought you didn't want to talk to me.” I said.

  Carey spoke up. “We have been very busy the last two days and part of it involves you, but a lot of it is Annie and her new suitor.”

  “Don't you say a thing Carey Wheeler!” said Annie.

  “So I gather you have a new boyfriend. Who is it?” I asked.

  “It's Gil from the band. He asked her out this weekend to go horseback riding.” injected Carey before Annie could say anything.

  Gil was kind of a nerd, but he, I guess, was very handsome. I also know that he had a genius IQ that was scary. I figured that he would go places in life that the rest of us could only hope to. His parents owned a business in Charlestown and had a small ranch outside of town. He was an only child so he pretty much got all of their attention. They wanted him to go to Harvard and be a lawyer. He told me that he wanted to go to the Air Force Academy and be a band director. Not just a band director but the Air Force Band director. He talked a lot to me in band by the way.

  Annie leaned up and asked, “So tell me, what's he like? Is he weird or anything like that.”

  “Well, he seems real nice to me. We talk in band all the time and he tells me a lot of things about himself. I know that he has been wanting to ask this girl out for a while but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He never told me who it was, but I guess I know now. I can say now, that he has impeccable taste in the ladies.” I said and the girls all giggled and commented on my smooth talk. “So what are you doing that concerns me?”

  Carey reached up under my hand that was on Sally's waist and held it. “We'll tell you when the time is right. Cutie.” and she winked at me and didn't let go of my hand. I didn't think anything about it but she moved it down to Sally's lap and held on.

  “So where are you conspirators going?” asked Ms. Givens. They answered that they were going to Annie’s house to work on cheers. She took them to Annie’s house and let them out. They all said good-bye to us both and walked inside. I watched them go and was amazed at how graceful they all were when they walked.

  I carried the box into Ms. Givens house and put it down on the same chair that it always was in. Then I went to the kitchen table and took my place and started to work. Ms. Givens went and took her heels off and put the pair of slippers that she had loaned me on. She got us a Coke and had an extra glass for Chrissy. I was working on math when Chrissy arrived and her mother came in with her. Chrissy came in and sat down in her place and opened her books.

  “Are you going with us tonight to the new restaurant in Charlestown?” She asked me. “I would love it if you would. Please.”

  “I didn't know anything about it. Sorry.” I said.

  “Well, does that mean that you aren't going?”

  “No, it means I hadn't planned on it and I really don't think I am dressed for it.” I replied, but deep down I really wanted to go, mainly because I hadn't had anything to eat all day. I would be nice to see different places and things though, I thought.

  “You could borrow a pair of jeans from Ms. Givens and a blouse. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Please.” She begged.

  “Okay, I'll ask her if I can borrow them if you will let me get my work done.” and I couldn't help but smile at her. “So do you have a boyfriend yet?”

  She leaned in close and looked around to make sure her mother couldn't hear. “Yes and he's so dreamy. I met him at the football game last week. He played for the other team and I talked to him as they were leaving and he has called twice since. His name is Jeremy, I
think he is going to come to the house on Saturday to meet my parents. You couldn't be there with me when he comes could you?”

  “No, I'm going squirrel hunting with my cousins and my brother on Saturday morning. Sorry, besides I don't think my Mom would let me. Although I would love to.” I said.

  “Oh, well I think I can handle it.” she sighed and went back to work.

  Ms. Givens and Mrs. Killibrew came into the kitchen and sat down. “So what have you girls been talking about while we were talking business?” said Mrs. Killibrew.

  “Oh, nothing. Just girl talk.” said Chrissy and she winked at me.

  Suddenly Mrs. Killibrew turned to me. “Diane? I will call you that because you want to be called that. I know that you were born a male but lately you have been changing to a female. You see my husband is an attorney with Mr. Rosenthal and he found out that you inherited that farm with your Uncle and his sons. It seems as though your given name is Dennis. Can you explain why you are doing this?”

  I was suddenly so scared. I just knew that she was going to pull Chrissy out of the tutoring sessions and tell everybody all about me. I was ruined. Well the truth hurts, however everything has hurt so far. “Mrs. Killibrew I have always felt different and have always liked soft things. The other day was not planned. We really did have an accident and I had to take a bath and Ms. Givens gave me those clothes to wear until mine were clean and dry. Ms. Givens just didn't want you to think that I was a pervert or anything by calling me Dennis. I'm so sorry. I will leave now and do this on some other time.” I said and big tears were starting to form in my eyes again.

  “I am truly apologetic if I have offended you Mrs. Killibrew. Dennis looked and acted so much like a lady that I didn't even think about it.” said Ms. Givens.

  I started gathering up my books to leave when Mrs. Killibrew put her arm around me and stopped me. “No. Sugar you are staying. Chrissy talks about you all the time and it’s all good. She says that you are so nice and well behaved all the time. I just couldn't believe that you were a boy. I want you to stay because you have been a positive influence on her in ways that are immeasurable. I would like for you to do me one favor tonight, though.”

  Through the tears, I saw Defiance standing up on his hind legs on my books and it looked like he had winked at me. “What would you like for me to do?” I asked.

  “Get dressed and go with us tonight. I believe that you would fit into some of Julie's clothes and it would be so nice if you would. Please.” she asked.

  I was floored. Now another adult knew and she wanted me to dress that way. What to do? I was really trying to avoid doing it since I was so confused about it and now people were wanting me to be a female around them. Well I did feel so much better dressed like that, than I did like this. A part of me was screaming “Do it” and another part was screaming “Fag.” I wasn't gay and I knew it, but this was so out of the norm that I was having a lot of trouble dealing with it. Then I blurted out. “Okay. I'll do it for you.”

  She hugged me tight and said. “Thank you God.” Then she let go and I saw that she was crying also, but smiling too.

  “Alright I am going to have to leave for a little while. I have a meeting with the principal of her school to go to and then I will be back in about an hour and a half. And Chrissy why don't you call your two friends and ask them to go with us while I'm gone.” she ordered.

  Ms. Givens and Chrissy were both sitting open mouthed and stunned at what had just transpired. Ms. Givens gathered her composure and escorted Mrs. Killibrew out. When she came back, Chrissy and I hadn't moved we were so shocked. Ms. Givens sat back down and looked at me. “Damn you are full of surprises.” and Defiance squeaked.

  “Well, let's get back to work. Chrissy I want you to read your poem.” Chrissy just sat there staring at me. “Chrissy, did you hear me?” asked Ms. Givens.

  “Uh, yes mam. I'm sorry, I can't believe what just happened. I mean my straight laced and conservative mother just asked a boy to wear a dress. No. That's not right, she just asked Diane to be Diane. This is so cool.” said Chrissy.

  “Well, I guess that she sees what we see in her.” said Ms. Givens. “Now would you please read your poem.” Chrissy got it out and read it. It was very good. She managed to get the right rhythm and thyme. Ms. Givens was very impressed.

  “Alright Diane, it's your turn.”

  “I didn't do as well as she did, can we just let it go?” I begged.

  “No. You have to read yours.” ordered Ms. Givens.

  “Yeah, I read mine now let's hear yours.” said Chrissy.

  “Okay here goes.”

  Suspended tween heaven and earth

  An angel so beautiful and fair.

  Hair that shines like gold in morning sun.

  Eyes of emeralds so clear and bright

  They seek the truth and the light

  A friend for life who makes me seek my life.

  “That is very good. I would like to see you add on to it Next week I want you both to see if you can add on to you poems to make them sing. I think in light of today's happenings Diane needs to take a bath and get ready. Oh my mother sent you a present that I think you will like Diane.” said Ms. Givens.

  I got up and gathered up my books. Ms. Givens went to run the bath and while she was gone, Chrissy suddenly jumped up and threw her arms around my neck and kissed me on the cheek. “Thank you so much. You really have had a positive impact on me and on my Mom.”

  I took the bath and washed my hair and when I got out and dried off I made a turban with a towel and I took the other one and wrapped it around me covering my chest with it like I had seen girls do in the movies. I walked out the bathroom door and Ms. Givens and Chrissy were standing there by the bed. “Diane I need you to put these on.” and they moved revealing a complete outfit. A beautiful yellow shift and new brown suede saddle oxfords. I reached out and touched the dress and felt the material, it was so soft and light. I held it up to me and was overcome by emotion and started to cry but it was out of happiness and not sadness. Ms. Givens and Chrissy both looked at me in confusion.

  “I am so happy. This is wonderful. Thank you. Thank you.” I cried. They both hugged me and held me until I stopped crying. Then I took the clothes into the bathroom and got dressed. When I came out I found the two of them still in the bedroom but now they had curlers and a hair drier. They rolled my hair and then put the drier cap on and turned on the drier. It was very noisy and I didn't hear Sally and Annie come in. They had changed also and when they came in, I was sitting on the end of the bed filing my nails.

  Sally came up to me and pulled the cap up and said. “Hey good looking.”

  I jumped and the two of them pulled me up to see how I looked. Annie whistled at me and Sally threw her arms around me and kissed me. “I don't care what you wear. I think you are great.”

  Then Ms. Givens came in and turned off the drier and started taking the rollers out of my hair. Sally picked up a brush and brushed out my hair and fixed it in a really nice ‘do’. Then they put a little pink eye shadow on me and some mascara on my eyelashes. I still had not seen what I looked like until they turned me around and showed me to the mirror. Damn I looked just like a girl. I looked like a hottie. Then they finished it by showing me how to put on lipstick. They put a lite pink lipstick on me the same color that Sally used and then put some perfume on me. I recognized it as the one that I had smelled on Ms. Givens in the classroom that day. I was in heaven again. I wore white knee socks appropriate for my age with the saddle oxfords, but I still had to learn to walk like a girl and they made me walk back and forth in front of them until I got it right. They told me to glide and don't hold my arms away from my body and swing them back and forth. I had to move my hips back and forth, but not so, that it was noticeable like a streetwalker.

  We were ready to go or so I thought. Ms. Givens stopped me and handed me a small purse and a sweater to wear. “Honey, you have to take a purse with you and you can't go out as coo
l as it is in a sleeveless dress like that. Now I took the liberty of placing some things you will need, like lipstick and a compact in your purse. I also put your billfold in it. Do you have any money?”

  “I have fifty five cents in my pants pocket, but that is all. I really wasn't going to eat anything.” I said.

  “Sweetie, you don't have to pay for a thing so you can order whatever you want. Okay?” she said. “Now do you have any questions before we go?”

  “Yes mam. Why do you call me honey and sweetie?” I asked. “I mean I love it and all it makes me feel really good when you do, but why?”

  “They are terms of endearment and I think you are as sweet as honey anyway. Would you rather I called you by your name?”

  “No. Like I said, I love it. I just don't recall ever being called that.” I replied.

  “Great, then let's go, I think I heard Mrs. Killibrew pull up.” Ms. Givens said and winked at me. “Honey, I just want you to know that you look beautiful tonight and I want you to be careful and don't let some boy try to do anything he shouldn't. Okay?”

  “Yes mam.”

  “That goes for the rest of you too. I want you all on your best behavior at all times. Now let's go.” and she opened the door and shooed us out.